Single, Lonely, and Miserable again this Christmas? Here are some things that help me deal with it.
Astute readers may have perceived that I have been really focused on the movie blogs and have kind of let the dating advice fall by the wayside. This is mainly due to the fact that I haven’t really had the time or money to date, and when I do I seem to fail horribly at it. Thus, I am having a hard time believing in myself enough to give qualified advice.
However, being single and miserable is something I am a Jedi Master at, so here are a few things that might help you get through yet another bleak Christmas of staring morosely at the mistletoe again.
1. Binge drinking. Yes, nothing helps you forget your loneliness and despondence like the the sweet kiss of alcohol poisoning. Go for the gusto this year. Blind, stinking drunk. New Years Eve is the obvious candidate for this, but let’s not forget that Christmas Eve party! Also, getting smash drunk at the local pub may actually help cure your loneliness, while injecting some new and exciting situations into your life. On the other hand, if you are of a melodramatic persuasion and want to make a poignant statement, drink alone on Xmas day in hopes that one of your happier friends will call you to wish a Merry Christmas and you can bum them out a little. (Drinking shirt image courtesy of the Cheap T Shirts category)
2. Video games. This is a old nerd fallback, but it works for a reason. Take some of your misery and frustration out on anonymous losers from around the world. In my mind the guy I just dropped a sticky bomb onto is always a happy, successful man on his way home to his loving wife and kids, only to get caught up in my murderous rampage. Of course, odds are anyone else playing video games on Xmas day is also a single nerd loser, but a man can dream.
3. Buy yourself stuff. Yes, it’s people, not things, that are important in life. However, if you don’t have people then a certain amount of satisfaction can be had from things. Try to find out how much your married coworker spent on his kids toys and spend that same amount on toys for yourself. Then, when you get back to work and he or she is groaning about their credit card bills you can whip out your brand new iPad 2 and show them how a player plays.
4. Create a Holiday card designed to make your married friends miserable. You know those jackasses who insist on sending you a picture of their entire lovely stupid family in front of their Christmas tree? Get a picture of yourself doing something super cool only a single person could do and send that out. Surfing in Bali. Skiing in Vail. Binge drinking in the local bar. Playing video games. Enjoying some new toys. Every married person may or may not be happy with their lovely family, but there is always a big part of them that misses the freedom to just bail out of town on a weekend and visit the Santa Cruz Mystery Spot. And if you didn’t take a fabulous vacation this year and are more the type to sit on your couch all weekend then get good at Photoshop.
5. Peruse some online dating sites. Yes, nothing says single miserable loser like someone sending notes to people on Plenty of Fish on Christmas day. However, remember that if someone else is also on POF to make that observation then that person is more or less in the same boat. Could it be you have found your soul mate? Also, if nothing else I have found just skimming through personals is nice way to kill time without really using your frontal lobe.
6. Try to milk the mistletoe cow. Get one of those hats that has a stick pointing out the front and some mistletoe hanging off it. Either that or go to a Christmas party with a sack full of the stuff and carpet the ceiling. Its got to work at some point, right?
7. Work. If you are going to be miserably anyway, why not use this time to your benefit? Add up all your receipts for the year. Clean your apartment. Get a head start on the next report you need to do for the boss. Add more shirts to your struggling t-shirt website. Then, when you get back to the office and everyone else is talking about how happy their dumb kids were with whatever junk they got, you can drop something super cool onto your boss’s desk and convince him or her that you are exactly the lifeless, dedicated loser he or she needs in charge of something.
8. Hang out with your other single friends. Misery loves company.
9. Try to guilt your married friends to set you up on blind dates. This sort of thing seems to hit home with your married friends harder now than ever before. They are perfectly content to watch you be a lone wolf during, say, April, but the prospect of a friend of theirs single in December galls them. The weird thing for me is something like 50% of adults are single these days, yet none of my paired friends seem to know any. How does that work, exactly?
10. Tell all your married friends that being married is a lifestyle, not a requirement. Yes, trying to convince people that they would be happier single will actually make you feel better about being single. It is a weird phenomenon.
11. Spend a day remembering all the miserable, bad relationships you’ve had in your life. Contrast is the secret to happiness. If you are starting to feel the single blues, just think back to the boyfriend who kept borrowing money from you while cheating, or the girlfriend who hit you in the head with a travel alarm clock. If you have never had a girlfriend or boyfriend then rent Fatal Attraction, Love Stinks, and Sid and Nancy. Also go back and read some of my dating advice posts.
12. Write a bitter, sarcastic blog about it.
That’s pretty much it for today. Thanks for reading. Movie tonight, so a review tomorrow. Follow me on Twitter @NerdKungFu. Talk to you all soon.
Dave
Young Adult Movie Review
There’s Something About Mary meets Leaving Las Vegas.
We were supposed to see Mission Impossible last night, but it sold out two hours before the showing. We then bought tickets for The Sitter, but thought about it and realized we’d rather drive bamboo slivers under our fingernails. We finally settle on Young Adult, and to be honest I kind of wish we’d seen the Sitter.
I don’t know. Was it bad? Not really. Was it funny? In parts, if macabre gallows humor dispensed by despicable people is your thing. So what’s my problem with it?
I guess I had two problems. SPOILER ALTER. First off, the main character, Mavis Gary (Charlize Therone – the Devil’s Advocate, Monster, Hancock, the Italian Job) doesn’t so much as describe a story arc as loop in a full circle. In other words, in a movie filled with personal realizations and sudden moments of clarity, she manages to end the movie in exactly the same place, after spending 90 of the 94 minutes moving towards a change in life. She starts the movie a stuck up, shallow, self centered, addicted, psychotic prom queen living a miserable life by herself in Minneapolis and more or less ends up there. As a guy with bitter memories of high school I have a certain fondness for the popular kids finally getting their comeuppance, but after a few awkward moments she kind of just keeps chugging along. The second issue is the lack of tone from the film. Half the time it is a dark comedy with clever, interesting people and the other half of the time it is a woman screaming a desperate cry for help that all the people around her manage to completely miss. One could say the humor was there to facilitate the dark story, but one could also say the darkness was to enhance the comedy. I couldn’t decide if I should be laughing or crying through most of it.
Anyway, the story. Mavis is a ghost writer for a young adult novel series that it is pretty obviously about herself in high school. She is miserable and alone, except for one night stands, and it is established early on that her life is circling the drain. She gets the announcement that her ex BF just had a baby and decides the sane thing to do is to go back to the small town she grew up in and stalk him away from his wife and child. Once in town she runs into one of the geeks she never talked to in high school, Matt (Patton Oswalt – Ratatouille, King of Queens, Magnolia), who was crippled in a hate crime in high school. She gets hammered and tells him her plan. He is the only voice of reason in this entire movie as he constantly tells her she is crazy and needs help. Stalking hijinks ensue. 
Her ex BF Buddy (Patrick Wilson – Watchmen, Hard Candy, Insidious. I know. I should have gotten a Nite Owl image, as he played Nite Owl. I just like Dr. Manhattan better. Image courtesy of the Movie T Shirt category) seems completely oblivious to her ham handed approaches and hangs out with her. Oblivious seems to be the word to describe most of the characters in this film, as his wife also seems to miss everything, as well as the parents, even when Mavis flat out says “I have a drinking problem” to their faces.
The stars. I will say Charlize Theron can play a bitch. One star. In fact, all the acting was good. One star. Dialog well written. One star. There were many humorous moments that, when taken out of the context of the movie message, were very funny. Two stars. They managed to capture the small Midwestern town extremely well. One star. And one more star for what is probably a decent movie going experience. Total: six stars.
The black holes. The whole lack of tone thing. One black hole. The story arc that went from nowhere to nowhere. One black hole. Every supporting characters incomprehensible motivations (why exactly would the wife invite the ex-GF to anything involving their family?) and inability to see a problem that is slapping them in the face. One black hole. The lack of consequences for Mavis’s pretty reprehensible behavior. One black hole. Total: four black holes.
Two stars total. You can always spot when I am conflicted on a movie when I don’t give a lot of stars or black holes. I don’t know. Decent movie? Yes. Will you feel good watching it? No. There is nothing in the end to really feel good about. Also either you were popular in high school and will hate what is happening to the popular girl or you were like me and will hate that she doesn’t pay for it. Probably a decent date movie, as none of the guys are over the top amazing and she will probably appreciate the main characters motivations more than you will. Nothing in here really requires a large screen, however, so just wait for NetFlix.
That’s it. It’s late and I played Warhammer all day, so I am beat. I am going to watch an episode of Breaking Bad and go to sleep. Follow me on Twitter @NerdKungFu. Thanks for reading. Talk to you soon.
Dave
Sherlock Holmes: a Game of Shadows Movie Review
Pretty damned good.
It is always nice to see something decent after being subjected to the film equivalent of a flesh eating virus. Thursday night I dragged myself to New Years Eve, and truly regretted it. Last night I went to see Sherlock Holmes and was reminded that there is still some good in the world (of movies). This movie is in all ways entertaining and exciting, with great writing, dialog, acting, and action.
It is, of course, a grandiose story of Sherlock Holmes, the greatest fictional detective ever (actually, I would claim Batman as the greatest fictional detective ever, but that’s just a personal preference. Batman image courtesy of the Batman T Shirt category) and his friend Dr. Watson. They are attempting to prevent the infamous Moriarty from literally destroying Western Civilization.
I’m not going to get too deep into the story, as I spent literally hours yesterday writing up that dumb New Years movie and have a lot to do today, but it starts off with Holmes (Robert Downey Jr.-Iron Man, of course) dealing with the impending marriage of his long time companion Dr. Watson (Jude Law-actually, some good movies here that no one but me likes. The Road to Perdition, Cold Mountain, and Enemy at the Gates to name a few). Meanwhile, he rescues a hot Gypsy fortune teller (Naomi Rapace-the Girl with the Dragon Tattoo et al) who’s brother is involved in a secret plan cooked up by Moriarty (Jared Harris-Natural Born Killers, Resident Evil Apocalypse). They are aided by Holmes’ brother Mycroft (Stephen Fry-V for Vendetta, a bunch of other roles calling for a smarmy over-educated pasty white guy). I expect you all to see this film, so I don’t want to throw too much into this. Stuff blows up, Holmes deduces stuff, and a lot of fairly cool action occurs.
The stars. I know I’m a sucker for English accents, but the dialog couldn’t be more perfect. The language and diction was perfectly in period of the late 19th century England. Two stars. Well written story. Two stories. Excellent performances by literally everyone. Two stars. They did this really cool quick cut sequences thing to show how Sherlock Holmes’s deductive brain worked. One star. There were some shooting and running slow motion action scenes that were really cool. One star. A couple of really cool plot twists. One star. There was a ton of really funny humor seamlessly mixed into the dialog. One star. The onscreen relationship between Watson and Holmes felt really real and genuine. I know this is just a reflection of the excellent acting talents of Robert and Jude, but still it was refreshing to see. One star. Mycroft was outstanding in every scene he was in. One star. So was Moriarty. One star. And two bonus stars for a good movie experience. Total: fourteen stars.
The black holes. This is just a reflection of my own stupidity, but the combination of Robert Downey Jr. fast deliver plus the English accent meant I kept missing what I felt were either funny or plot critical points. One black hole, although that’s really for my slow brain. I felt the whole Dr. Watson marriage and his wife’s character were kind of unnecessary. I don’t think they added much to the story, especially once the wife more or less fell off the screen. One black hole. That’s it. Two black holes.
In the vexing but not black hole worthy, I really only have one and it galls me like a burning coal in my gut to say this, but I honestly think this movie would have been better in 3D. Gah, I can’t believe I just wrote that! I hate 3D. However, there were a number of scenes involving artillery shells, knives, and bullets that would have looked cool in 3D. OK, I said it. I’m going to go flagellate myself after finishing this review in punishment.
So a grand total of twelve stars and my recommendation that you see it in the theater. Some of the epic scenes will lose impact on a smaller screen. Good date movie, as your date will probably be entertained by the clever English dialog. Also she could possibly fill you in on any of the dialog you missed (going to the movies by yourself sucks. Trust me, I know).
Sorry about the short review, but when I like a movie I don’t usually find a lot to write about. I am happy to report that the movie I unleashed all the bile in my life upon yesterday, New Years Eve, tanked horribly and is being counted as a film failure in spite of the celebrity lineup. Well, done, America. You reaffirm my faith in humanity. Follow me on Twitter @NerdKungFu. Thanks for reading. Talk to you soon.
Dave
New Years Eve Movie Review
There aren’t enough synonyms for “trite” in the English language to allow me to review this movie.
Actually, I kind of like to think of this movie as an experiment in alternative script writing methods that went horribly wrong and, like all bad science experiments is destined to rise up and destroy us all. You see, most bad movies take a crappy story idea and run it into the ground. What the writer of this bomb did (Katherine Fugate-Valentine’s Day, Room in Rome, the Prince and Me (grammar is optional in movie title writing, really)) was take ten bad stories, interweave them into a tapestry of horribleness, and then drape it all over the screen like a death shroud. The funny thing is each story in turn actually magnifies the bland horribleness of the previous one in an exponential manner, so that by the time you get to the 10th sub story you get horrible to the ninth degree.
The whole story chain is weird. The system is a blatant vehicle to cram as many celebrities into one bad movie as possible. The laundry list is endless. Michelle Pfeiffer, Robert DeNiro, Zac Effron, Halle Barry, Alyssa Milano, Jessica Biel, Katherine Heigl, Seth Meyers, Ashton Kutcher, Jon Bon Jovi(?), and Sarah Jessica Parker to name a few. In my mind’s eye I see this movie as the “rock soup” approach to film making. Here’s how I think it works. They get the first star, say Sarah Jessica Parker for example. They write a crappy little drama about her and her daughter. Then they approach the next on the list and say “Hey, we’ve got Sarah Jessica Parker”. The next celebrity joins in and so they write a crappy drama for him or her. Rinse and repeat, and at the end you have a crappy pot of soup made only with a rock!
Of course, with ten different stories in 118 minutes (was it really that long? Felt more like four hours) none of the characters get to in any way develop, or give us any reason to connect with any of them, or for that matter in any way give a crap about anything that happens on the screen. The crappyness of the script might have shot right past the thinking part of each of the actors brains, but it obviously lodged deep into the brain stem and and subconsciously inspired them each to phone in their performances. The acting felt so much like a first or second rehearsal I kept looking to see if the stars actually had scripts in their hands they were reading from. It looks like another draw for each of these people is the fact that they could probably film their respective parts in about a week.
The strange thing (and this is in no way an endorsement or encouragement of this movie) is if you are forced to watch this movie you actually get a little interested in the individual stories, if only to see which of them is going to end the most horribly (the Sarah Jessica Parker one IMO). It’s like watching a leper marathon; you know it is going to be bad to watch and terrible things are going to happen, but you really can’t help but watch if only to see which participant has the most body parts fall off.
One last thing on the multiple story chains is I didn’t realize they had the hydra-like ability to spawn other story chains. You finally get one of them concluded and somehow another one spontaneously germinates. I’d say it grinds, but this whole movie was such a grind that by the time I got to that part most of my gears were stripped.
Anyway, I can’t really get to into the story without submitting the entire script, so I will just recap each of the stories that stuck in my head enough to talk about it. Robert DeNiro is in a hospital dying of cancer (and while his performance was far sub par of what I would expect from him, at least he looked like he was dying) and Halle Barry is his nurse, who also has a husband in the military overseas. Michelle Pfeiffer is a mousy spinster secretary who quits her job in a huff and bribes Zac Effron to make her bucket list come true in the next ten hours. Jessica Biel is pregnant and her wimpy husband Seth Meyers wants her to give birth right after midnight to win some cash prize but are in competition with some other couple. Katherine Heigl is a caterer who is contracted to do food for a huge music industry party, and her ex boyfriend rockstar “Jensen” (played by an almost lifelike Jon Bon Jovi robot of some kind), who is the uber-prosaic music entertainment for the party and the Times Square deal, wants to win her back with emotionless dialog. One of “Jensen’s” background singers, Lea Michelle, gets stuck in an elevator with loser hipster comic book artist Grinch Ashton Kutcher (loser hipster is not much of an acting stretch for him, IMO) and proceeds to teach him something important about the true meaning of New Years Eve. Sara Jessica Parker reprises her Sex and the City roll with a 15 year old daughter, who wants to run around unsupervised through New York. Meanwhile, her long lost love interest Josh Duhamel plays one of the music company owners and apparently the hottest thing in NYC until he decides to meet Sarah at midnight. That’s most of what I can remember. Oh, yeah. Hillary Swank plays the woman in charge of the ball dropping who has to deal with an edge-of-the-seat situation when a fuse in the ball goes out, and then turns out to be the estranged daughter of Robert DiNero.
Honestly, that’s it for story. There is no actual conflict in any of these stories except for the whole “giant ball fuse” business. No one does any one thing remotely interesting. It was like watching 10 bad after school specials all edited together.
The stars. Honestly, I would normally give one for a guys like Robert DiNero, but he didn’t exactly light up the screen. I would also do one for some of the hot women in this, but for the most part they were bundled up for December in NYC and not that good looking. Also, I don’t know what this movie was doing with a PG-13 rating. It was so tame it was almost a G in my opinion. The only time any one of the characters even implied that sex ever occurred between humans was at the end when Katherine Heigl said something about it with the Bon Jovi-bot, and that image is going to take some drinking to get rid of. I’ve never not given any stars to a movie before. I guess I could give them one for the morbid curiosity the movie generated when I wanted to see which ending would suck the most. Kind of like how you don’t want to look at a car wreck when you drive by but cant help yourself. Total: one star.
The black holes. I’ll give 1/2 a black hole for each stupid sub plot, and call the extra ones spawned at the end a wash. Five black holes. The dialog was god awful. Two black holes. In addition to the dialog from the main characters sucking, the writers felt compelled to inject background dialog that made me want to murder puppies (I would never actually hurt a dog, BTW). One more black hole. A movie with no protagonist, antagonist, conflict, story, or point. Two black holes. Acting reminiscent of the Robin Hood play I had a bit part in back in second grade (I was guard #3. My one line was “I don’t like the forest”. Why can I remember that but not my social security number?). One black hole. Opening the movie with the odious Ryan Seacrest and having him resurface later like a flush that didn’t quite go all the way down. One black hole. Having two different musical numbers coalesce out of the ether like a torpedo launched from an underwater submarine. One black hole. Creating a fictional super star (“Jensen”) in a movie flush with real celebrities acting as themselves. One black hole. Pat endings so sugary sweet they could possibly kill every diabetic in the world. One black hole. The dumbest, slowest car crash in the history of movie making. One black hole. Total: 16 black holes.
So, a whopping 15 black holes, possibly the worst I have given this year. Was it really that awful? Yes. Yes it was. Can some enjoyment be had from it? Maybe, if you are stupid. Or perhaps have a serious case of ADHD. Good date movie? Sure, if your date is stupid or has a serious case of ADHD. Honestly, this movie should not only never be seen again by another human, but the 500+ stars of the film should band together with pitchforks and torches and burn the windmill in which the mad scientist/director Gary Marshal has set up his lab with his assistant/writer Katherine (Igor) Fugate. (A.D.D. image courtesy of the funny t-shirt category)
Wow. This isn’t my longest review, but it definitely took the longest to write. I wish I could just write “It Sucks” and hit the publish button. Oh, well. More movies this weekend. Follow me on Twitter @NerdKungFu. Thanks for reading. Don’t see this movie.
Dave
Top 25 Coolest Movie and TV Vehicles
I forget how I got onto this. I was talking to a friend and the idea hit me. There are some super cool vehicles out there, including a few that seem to be ignored by other list makers. I was originally going to go with top 10, but after talking it over with several groups realized I can’t cut it down that far. 25 it has to be. I’ll keep each blurb to a minimum.
25. Chitty Chitty Bang Bang from Chitty Chitty Bang Bang. I have often wished my 2005 Ford Crown Vic would somehow gain the ability to both fly and float. Six of these were made, custom with a Ford 3000 V6 engine.
24. Herbie from the Love Bug. I have to toss a nod to this one, even though Beetles bug me, mainly because the guy across the street drove one and I’d have to push start it every time we wanted to go somewhere. Also, one time he ran over my foot while I was trying to push it. 1963 Volkswagon Beetle Type 1.
23. Goblin Truck from Maximum Overdrive. This movie definitely taught me to look both ways before crossing the street. Also, to fear goblins. 1977 White-Western Star 4864.
22. Van from Cheech and Chong. Living in Oakland as I do, movies about the illegality of marijuana have kind of lost steam given there are medicinal shops on every block. However, a great movie. Ironically, when they edited it for television the pot mysteriously transformed into diamonds. 1963 Chevrolet P-10 Step Van.
21. Shaggin Wagon from Dumb and Dumber. Remember when Jim Carrey did really funny movies that didn’t involve dancing penguins? 1984 Ford Econoline (Dumb and Dumber image courtesy of the Movie T-Shirts category)
20. Coupe from American Graffiti. I am disinclined to give any kind of props to George Lucas for reasons that should be obvious to any thinking nerd, but this movie was pretty cool and the car even cooler. 1932 Ford Coupe.
19. ETC01 from Ghostbusters. I loved this movie, and when I saw the car converted drive out of the firehouse I laughed my ass off. 1591 Cadillac Miller-Meteor.
18. Batmobile from 1989 Batman. I know, everyone loves the Tumbler, but I think this was the coolest car they did for any of the more recent movies. The fact that it had twin Gatling guns is a huge plus. Custom made out of two Impala Chassis, Chevy V8 engine, and a ton of custom body work.
17. Greased Lightning from Grease. There aren’t many dance/singing movies I can stomach, but this is one of them. 1948 Ford De Lux.
16. Gran Torino from Starsky and Hutch. Bet you thought I was going to say from the movie Gran Torino. This car has been the cool car from a bunch of different movies. It was also the beater car in the Big Lewbowski. 1976 Gran Torino.
15. Ferrari from Ferris Bueller. Another flashback to when a guy had a film career. This car not only ruled in being cool but also in how it finally met it’s end. 1961 Ferrari 250 GT California Spider.
14. A Team van from the A Team. It always amazes me that I enjoyed this show so much, when you really consider how bad it really was. If I recall correctly this fan was BA’s personal property and got totally wrecked in pretty much every episode. 1983 GMC G Series.
13. Bluesmobile from the Blues Brothers. I drive a car often used by police, and get a lot of cop car jokes from my so called friends. However, there is no way my car could ever be as cool as this one. 1974 Dodge Monaco Sedan.
12. K.I.T.T. from Knight Rider. If I had a car that could drive itself, that would make texting while driving a lot easier. Heck, I’d probably play video games. 1982 Pontiac Trans Am.
11. the Spinner from Bladerunner. Who doesn’t want a flying car? Original design.
10. Batmobile from the Batman TV show. OK, if any one vehicle can encompass the entirety of camp and ridiculousness that was the show, it was the car. 1955 Ford Lincoln Futura (concept car).
9. Pussywagon from Kill Bill. Not only was it a killer truck, but she didn’t just dump it first chance she got. 1997 Chevrolet 2500 Silverado Fleetside.
8. Deathmobile from Animal House. Remember when this car got totally wrecked on the road trip and then broke out of the parade float as carnage incarnate? 1964 Lincoln Continental MK2.
7. Pork Chop Express from Big Trouble in Little China. Cool truck, cool logo. 1988 FLC120 Freightliner.
6. AT-AT from Empire Strikes Back. Never said this was all cars. It’s obvious the good director before Lucas took over said “I want something slow, menacing, and terrifyingly ominous, like a slow moving tidal wave”. Looks like he got his wish. Of course, than can be taken down with string, so kind of disappointing in that regard. Kuat Drive Yards AT-AT.
5. General Lee from the Dukes of Hazard. Honestly, even more than Knight Rider this is the car that defined the show. I always wondered why Bo and Luke never opened the doors, however. 1969 Dodge Charger RT.
4. M577 Armored Personel Carrier from Aliens. Too bad they never got to fight with this bad boy. Really cool. M577 APC.
3. Christine from Christine. Ever want to be afraid of a car? 1958 Plymouth Fury.
2. DeLorean from Back to the Future. What’s better than a car that flies? How about a car that flies and can travel through time? 1981 DeLorean DMC12.
1. MFP Interceptor from the Road Warrior. I know, there are a lot of people who will disagree with me on this, but if ever I became rich through luck, crime, or hard work, this is the car I would reproduce and tool around in, including the fuel tanks. 1973 Ford Falcon XB GT Coupe (only sold in Australia).
I was going to include the tank from Tank Girl, but then realized that it was a Patton when she found it and turned into a Sherman when she was driving around. Continuity issues bug me.
That’s it. I have a headache and want to go play Minecraft. Thanks for reading. More reviews coming up this week. Follow me on Twitter @NerdKungFu. Thanks for reading.
Dave
Goodbye, Harry Morgan
So Harry Morgan died today at the age of 96. This is actually really sad for me, as I watched a lot of M.A.S.H. as a kid. I loved that show. Honestly, I can’t put my finger on why, as I was always more into military shows with more actual combat. At first I just liked it because it was about the Army, but as I got older I really got into the characters and the horrific situation they were in. Shows where they were doing endless hours working on horrifically injured men, surrounded by blood and gore, really spoke to me. I won’t get into the details of my miserable childhood, but something about those guys somehow in my childhood mind spoke to the daily grind of dealing with all the jackasses who I went to school with and who dared to call themselves my peers (when they weren’t kicking my ass), as well as some other stuff having to do with my family. (M.A.S.H. 4077th image courtesy of the Television T Shirt category)
Anyway, I loved all the characters. Radar was always my favorite, but honestly I like Col. Potter the next most. He was the father figure I always wished I had, tough but fair. I like his aspect as a career officer, and enjoyed him most when he was yelling at people. Honestly, I never missed Henry Blake much when he left, or for that matter Trapper John. The best shows were with BJ, Col. Potter, and Radar.
So this show was a big part of my childhood. Not on the level of Star Trek, which was about the life and friends I wished I had had, but rather about the life and friends I actually had. Harry Morgan was always great. In addition to M.A.S.H., he starred on Dragnet, the great Third Rock from the Sun, an episode of Twilight Zone, the Jeff Foxworthy Show, and a bunch of parts on shows like the Simpsons and the Love Boat. He did make the mistake of starring in the ill fated After Mash, but I forgive him for that for all the years of fun he has given me.
So he passed. I am glad he lived to the grand old age of 96, and will miss him.
Thanks for reading. Follow me on Twitter @NerdKungFu. I’m headed to LA to hang out with a bunch of my old college friends this weekend. I will try to get a post or two up, especially if I can see some of the movies coming out this weekend. Talk to you soon.
Dave
The 10 Best and 5 Worst Mel Gibson Movies
Yes, nothing new in movies this week that really intrigues me, so I thought I would work on something else. Mel Gibson has taken a lot of abuse lately, and some might even call it justified, what with his drunk driving, spousal abuse, and racist rants. I can honestly say I would think very hard about spending money to see one of his movies currently. However, I have enjoyed many of his films in the past, and when I was doing my 5 Worst Kurt Russell film list I came across one that Mel was in as well. You’ll see it in a bit.
So these are, in my opinion, his best and worst of what he has done and I have seen. As always, feel free to disagree or point out things I might have missed, but I feel pretty good about this list. Best first.
10. Ransom-Mel owns an airline and his son is kidnapped. I remember liking the way Mel’s character handled this situation, by taking the ransom money and turning it into a bounty on the heads of the kidnappers. Not really exceptional, but worth watching.
9. We Were Soldiers-the story of the first major battle of the Vietnam war. Mel plays Lt. Col. Hal Moore, commander of the newly created Air Cav of the US Army. This movie was cool in that it showed the battle from both the American side and the Vietnamese side. The action was pretty brutal, so don’t get to attached to any of the supporting characters, if you know what I mean. Sam Elliot as Sgt. Maj. Basil Plumley was really cool too. However, the battle scenes kept cutting back to the wives of the soldiers having to deliver the death notices to the other wives in a manner that was jarring like editing scenes cut from Scarface into the Sound of Music. Also, don’t death notifications take more than 30 seconds for the war department to process? Still, good movie.
8. Hamlet-I’m not a big Shakespeare fan, to be honest. Maybe it’s because I have a hard time staying awake during plays, which is ironic as I have no problem staying awake during the most boring of films. However, I found this rendition with Mel playing Hamlet to be really engaging.
7. Conspiracy Theory-ever want to see Mel play a paranoid schizophrenic? Now you can. Actually, I love this movie because the writers obviously knew my cousin Matt and based the story around him. Whenever I have to answer the question “Any history of insanity in your family?” I have to mentally rewrite my family history. (Paranoia shirt image courtesy of the Funny T Shirt category)
6. Payback–I love noir and dark stories, and trust me, this one is dark. Mel plays a criminal who is betrayed by his former partners and spends the rest of the movie trying to get his $70,000 like an even more psychotic version of the paperboy from Better Off Dead. Gruesome and dark, this is one of those movies you enjoy in spite of the fact that you have very little sympathy for any of the characters.
5. Mad Max-some of the lists I have seen have this one at the top, and I will say it has a really cool ending, but as much as I enjoyed it, there were others I enjoyed more. I think I found the motivation a little too simplistic. Also, as a fan of Max the idea of him with a happy family even at the beginning of the movie seems wrong. There should be no happiness in Max’s life. He should always be a shell shocked waste case, like he was in the next two.
4. Braveheart-painted blue ass a go go. What a great film. Mel plays William Wallace, Scottish patriot and all around bad ass. Great battle scenes, good humor, and an evisceration scene that had me loosing my popcorn, if you know what I mean.
3. Lethal Weapon-remember a few lines ago when I said Max should always be a shell shocked waste case? This is because this is the roll Mel plays best. Here he is Martin Riggs, burned out Vietnam vet with a death wish. That “nothing to lose” aspect of his personality makes him truly kick some ass. The last few minutes of the movie, where he decided there was stuff in life worth living for, felt really out of character and kind of continued in the next three sequels. Great movie, nonetheless.
2. Gallipoli-ever have the feeling that your life is just too good and happy and you want to bring it down a few dozen notches? Then this is the movie for you. One of his earliest roles, he plays an ANZAC soldier in the assault on Gallipoli during WWI. However, as depressing as it is, the movie is great and you will enjoy it. Just make sure you have your anti-depressants handy for the last 10 minutes of the film. Also, by the end of the movie you will hate the British officer class.
1. The Road Warrior-not only my favorite Mel Gibson films, but one of my top 10 of all time. Who doesn’t love a apocalyptic wasteland with Mohawk biker gangs running around doing horrible things to all the remaining good people? Actually, while this movie is in all ways cool, it is the driving sequences that make it happen. Check out my blog post about the best movie chases scenes of all time for more details on that. This is the movie that made me fall in love with double barreled sawed off shotguns (very illegal, btw). If I ever get enough money to buy a muscle car, it will be the MFP Interceptor from this movie (for the record, it’s a 1973 Ford Falcon XB Coupe, a car only available in Australia. It had a Concorde front end. The supercharger poking out of the hood was for looks only). Ironically, the filmmakers sold the Interceptor for scrap, but fortunately it was saved by a fan of the movie.
So there it is. However, as Winter follows Fall, as good opposes evil, and as yin matches yang we have to have the bad films to go with the good. Here you go.
5. Bird on a Wire-I remember walking out of this film wondering what the hell just happened. This was three years after Lethal Weapon and I was hoping to see Martin Riggs kicking ass. Instead I saw Mel Gibson with a bad 80’s Flock of Seagulls haircut and a goofy smile on his face. I put the blame for the silliness of this movie on Goldie Hawn, who I find really hard to take seriously in any serious film.
4. Signs-I know. Alien invasion movie. I should love it. But the big M. Knight Shyamalan twist (SPOILER ALERT) is the aliens are poisoned by water! Yes, let’s invade a planet that is 70% covered with a toxic substance and fight the natives who are 90% made of said toxic substance. It’s hard to take seriously an enemy I can literally kill with spitballs. This is like the US invading Iraq, except instead of sand the country is made of radioactive waste. Also, this is another movie where you get to spend 100 minutes praying for something to happen.
3. Tequila Sunrise-hey, what’s bad for Kurt Russell is bad for Mel Gibson. Check out my Kurt Russell post for more details on this convoluted dog.
2. What Women Want-jeez, talk about pandering. This so called “movie” is just painful on multiple levels, at least from a male perspective, and honestly if I were a woman I think I would be really offended by the simplistic treatment of stereotypical women. Also, it should be pretty clear from the phone conversation tape his ex girlfriend made that Mel Gibson really DOESN’T know what women want.
1. The Patriot-oi, what a piece of crap this was. OK, I know I’m a nut about historical accuracy in movies, but this one didn’t even try. Instead, we got a super USA propaganda piece that managed to completely skirt around the issues of slaves and the fact that the Continental Army managed to win not a single battle during the course of the Revolutionary War. We got our asses kicked from one end of the country to the other, and only won because the British decided the war was costing too much money. Hey, a win’s a win, but still. This film is painfully one dimensional and ultimately kind of stupid.
That’s it. Post here if you think I am an idiot for any of these (or any other thing, for that matter). Thanks for reading. I would go see a cheap movie and review it tonight, but there is nothing out I haven’t seen except for Happy Feet 2, and I really can’t force myself to watch dancing penguins (this is why I didn’t see Mr. Popper’s Penguins). Also, I didn’t see the first one and feel I might miss some of the nuance of the sequel for the lack of it (ha ha haha ha). I’ve got an idea for tomorrow but if I don’t get it together will just do the Star Trek thing. Thanks for reading. Follow me on Twitter @NerdKungFu. Talk to you soon.
Dave
Ever wonder about the Goonies?
I am kind of slammed this week and don’t have time to work on the new Star Trek post, but over the weekend was working on inventory and came across this movie t shirt and it got me thinking about the Goonies again. I saw it for like the 10th time a few months ago, and every time I see it or something like this shirt there is a question that constantly bugs me.
Here it is. One Eyed Willie, the pirate captain who’s treasure the kids are going after, looked to have been one of the most successful pirates of all time based on the massive pile if “rich stuff” he had on his ship. If so, why would he not go off and actually spend some of the money on rum and wenches? Why, instead, did he spend the last 30 years of his life or so building death traps to keep inquisitive kids from getting to his massive pile of gold? And then, in the all time greatest move dedicated to proving a worthless point, he uses his own corpse to build his final self destruct trap? I mean, really. Does he not have any life besides building death traps? And with all that money, couldn’t he have bought material for traps more elaborate than rocks, vines, and sticks? How about some iron hinges?
It actually gets you thinking about buried pirate treasure in general. Why would a pirate with a huge chest of gold bury it and then leave it where any random idiot could potentially stumble upon. How about taking some of that treasure, using it to buy an island, build a castle on it, and buy the most impenetrable safe the 18th century can produce? Hire a bunch of scurvy sea dogs and turn them into land dogs to watch your treasure.
Actually, that kind of makes me think about Scrooge McDuck. He has a massive money bin where he rolls around in his dough instead of spending it on things he might enjoy in life. For that matter, how does a huge pile of cash in a vault actually keep him rich? Has he never heard of a bank? Some of them actually pay you money for keeping your money in them. It’s called interest. For that matter, you could potentially invest your money and make even more money, although these days a big pile of cash in a vault doesn’t sound like the dumbest plan ever. That reminds me of a Richie Rich comic I read where the family had a problem of too much cash and not enough room to store it all. Even as a kid of appropriate age for Richie Rich I understood the concept of banks. Just kind of annoying, really.
Back to the Goonies. Remeber at the end of the movie when One Eyed Willies ship sailed off uncrewed into the sunset, leaving the kids with some gems they lifted? No one in that shanty town owned a power boat? If reports got out of a boat floating in the ocean loaded with “rich stuff” there would be about 100,000 guys in rowboats looking for the damned thing.
Sorry for the weird tangential rant, but these are the kinds of questions that keep me up at night. I really gotta run. Post here if you have any answers to these questions, and follow me on Twitter @NerdKungFu. Movie stuff next time, I promise. Talk to you soon
Dave
I am Singh Movie Review
Like this movie, I am at a loss when trying to come up with a clever point.
So this weekend has been one of the worst for new movies. I guess all the studios simultaneously decided this was the weekend to not really bother. Honestly, a mistake in my opinion. None of the recent movies have what I perceive as real theater staying power, and a good release this weekend would have probably dominated. I suppose Breaking Dawn might still be pulling in idiots, but that’s about it.
So, when the mainstream field is left fallow, that is my opportunity to visit my old friend, foreign and independent films. Honestly, I like a lot of the more “indy” films, but you are really rolling the dice, especially when presented with any Bollywood films. They rarely just produce a moderately good entertaining film. Either you get something brilliant, or you get a script generated by the “million monkeys on a million typewriters” school of story telling.
However, the last Bollywood film I saw was Robot, so I figured “How bad could I am Singh really be?
Unfortunately, about 20 minutes into the film I was praying for an attack by a giant snake made up of hundreds of identical robots. This movie presents me with a conundrum, however. On the one hand, it’s like the writers hacked into my brain, downloaded my personal list of boneheaded movie moves that really bug the hell out of me, and used that as the script. Bad voice over monologues that don’t contribute, 4th wall breaking monologues that also don’t explain things, beating an already beaten dead horse into the ground, trying to make me feel guilty for stuff I had nothing to do with and directly oppose, wooden acting from the English speaking actors, stereotypes ground so far into the earth that they resurfaced just outside Beijing, really bad grammar in the foreign language to English subtitles, really bad grammar in the English to English subtitles (yes, they did that), casting that blatantly points out the director’s obvious fetish for a particular type of woman (basically, blondes who look like Sharon Stone. There were seven different white women I counted who looked so much alike I wasn’t sure if they weren’t all played by the same woman with different hair, including two lawyers, a doctor, a stripper, and a cop), choreographed song and dance numbers with surreal lyrics dutifully subtitled, pointless flash-somethings (I can’t call them flash backs or flash forwards. More like a flash sideways, to people and events that had nothing to do with the story), a courtroom drama that seems to indicate that the writers have no idea how American courts work (or, for that matter, have ever seen another courtroom drama on TV or movies), sluggish story with long, fairly pointless speeches that rhymed remarkable with “tating the sobvious”, forcing me to watch the Twin Towers fall down again, using 9-11 to sell a story, and casting British actors who can’t really bury their accents deep enough to play Americans. On the other hand, when I could put all that behind me and treat this movie as an insight into Indian and Sikh culture, as well as a look at how India might perceive America, it actually got kind of interesting. It’s like a big cake made out of mixed bark and soap chips covered with a delicious frosting.
Anyway, the movie. I think I can sum it up by saying “Don’t discriminated against all Muslims and Sikhs because they wear turbans like the terrorists responsible for 9-11”. The story starts off with an guy living a pretty cushy life in India when he is woken up by a call from his mother telling him his brother is dead and his father is in the hospital. He flies to LA and discovers they have all been the victims of a brutal hate crime by Neo Nazis so cartoonish and over the top I thought they might be CGI generated. He embarks on a quest to find his brother’s killer and also locate his other brother, who is missing. He runs into immediate, pointless resistance from the Pasadena police force in the form of another cartoonish racist cop and finds that his brother was arrested, suspected of killing his brother in spite of witnesses to the contrary. He runs into some of his bother’s friends, who tell him about a rash of hate crimes perpetrated against anyone Muslim or wearing a turban.
I’m going to do an aside here and talk a little about the months immediately following 9-11. There were a number of hate crimes perpetrated, but in all cases that I know of the local police and FBI were relatively quick to investigate and intervene. Maybe it’s because I live in California and never really saw anything grievous here, but since this story is set in California I think it OK to have an issue with this. In no cases do I know of the local police aiding and abetting the criminals.
Anyway, misinterpreted American culture hijinks ensues. The racists surface occasionally only to prove how cowardly they are. We get subjected to the same speech over and over again. The Sikhs and Muslims remain true to the non violent tenants of their beliefs. A number of sub plots that are really all just rehashing of the main plot surface. A few cool messages about he importance of friendship and family, justice, and racial and religious tolerance are forced down our throats, pumped out, and the forced down again ad nauseum.
The stars. I’ll usually give a star for a foreign or independent film, so one star. Those good messages I talked about, while rubbed into our faces for a monstrous 150 minutes, were actually delivered. One star. A somewhat good insight into Indian and Sikh culture. One star. An idea of how India and perhaps some of the rest of the world perceives America was handed out. One star. I kind of liked the Sikh cop character, even if he was as over the top as the rest of them. One star. I always enjoy seeing white people portrayed as the bad guy. One star. Total: six stars.
The black holes. I am going to try to be kind in these, as I understand a lot of them could be the result of different cultural perspectives, but I have to be honest. Driving a painfully obvious point home, parking it’s car, and making it dinner. One black hole. American stereotypes so painfully obvious it literally hurt my brain. One black hole. The directors obvious blonde fetish. One black hole. The opening and closing monologues made me wish someone would fly a plane into the theater I was in. One black hole. Long, boring, repetitive speeches that just kept on repeating the main theme. One black hole. The film maker failed to hire a single native English speaker to view the movie once to make sure the sub titles weren’t developmentally disadvantaged. One black hole. The American acting and dialog looked and felt like they were also speaking a foreign language (the fact that they subtitled the English into poorer grammar English contributed to this). One black hole. All the weird flash somethings. I’m sure they would be far more significant and less black hole worthy if I were actually Indian, but I spent most of them asking “What the f…?”. One black hole. Three different song and dance numbers. One black hole. Use of odd camera angles that at first looked kind of brilliant but by the end of the film made my eyes cross. One black hole. A complete lack of research into how the American criminal justice system works. One black hole. Using 9-11 to sell the story and forcing me to watch the towers collapse again (I watched it live on the news, and really try not to think about it. That day still haunts me). One black hole. Overall lacking more than the most obvious point. One black hole. Total: thirteen black holes.
So a total of seven black holes. Slumdog Millionaire it is not. I don’t really see a reason to watch this in a theater. Honestly, I don’t really see a reason to see it at home, unless you are really into Bollywood and Indian culture. This could be something to throw on the TV while folding your laundry or whatever. Unfortunately the subtitles require you to stay focused on the screen. I don’t really have a read how this would work as a date film. Might be OK if your date is more hippy 
dippy and appreciates your cultural open mindedness, but if not she could be really bored with it and by extension you. Take her to see Hugo IMO (Hugo Automaton image courtesy of the Movie T Shirt category).
That’s it for now. Not sure what I will do next. I should probably finish up my Star Trek Retrospective. I was thinking about it and am going to probably skip Insurrection, mainly because the entire movie plays like a an extended episode of TNG and, to be honest, I really can’t remember much about it one way or another. I will instead dive into Nemesis, a film I have some definite opinions on, and will finally finish up with the 2009 Star Trek and explain why anyone who likes that movie the best out of all the Star Trek franchise is either not a true fan or is a true idiot, or both.
Thanks for reading. Follow me on Twitter @NerdKungFu. Talk to you soon.
Dave
Arthur Christmas in 3D Movie Review
Better than the trailer makes it out to be.
I’ll admit, I enjoy cartoons and will see a movie that catches my eye, even if it’s made for kids. I do feel kind of creepy being in a theater with a bunch of children and bored parents, but this was nothing like the last Winnie the Pooh experience. As a rule, when I go to a kids film I sit by myself and don’t talk to or look at anyone in hopes no one notices me.
Actually, now that I think about it, that is my policy for pretty much all the movies I see. My life sucks.
Anyway, I was not really gung ho to see this movie, mainly because the trailers managed to unsell it for me. Another example of failure in marketing. The trailers really made it looks at the same time both sappy sweet and over the top silly. In truth it was neither of those. It was fun, clever, entertaining, and above all well executed. As a rule I suspend my usual star/black hole rating system for kids movies, as dropping black holes on a film designed to entertain seven year olds is a move that would give the Grinch pause. That being said, I honestly wouldn’t have found a lot of black holes to give it. Maybe it’s just a little too polished. Other than that it’s pretty good. It’s no Kiss Saves Christmas, but still fun to watch.
It started off on a bad note, however, by subjecting me and the soft brained impressionable youth of America to a “music” video by girly man/boy Justin Bieber singing a “rock” version of some Christmas carol. Is there anything remotely masculine about that guy? I know he’s like 17 or something but by the time was that age I had been in fights with more guys than I had friends, played football, wrestled, set fire to a shockingly large amount of private property, spent seven months in a Bolivian prison, and had facial hair. The ironic part is he is adored by girls his age while I was the dating equivalent of athletes foot. The other part that drove me nuts was during the video, when they were not performing their “dance” routine, they were treating us to clips from the MOVIE WE WERE ABOUT TO WATCH! Really? Is a blank screen and a cone of silence that much to ask for? Seriously, whoever was in charge of marketing for this film should be taken behind the woodshed and shot.
Anyway, once I got over the suck part and into the movie proper, it warmed up nicely. It is Christmas Eve and Santa is making his run around the world, delivering presents with the help of about 1,000,000,000 elves and a high tech super sleigh that looks like an Apple store threw up all over it. We are treated to high tech Mission Impossible cut scenes as the elves zip line down from the S1 and B&E their way through the world, delivering gifts to good children. Santa is really more of a figurehead, as the entire high tech operation is being run by his oldest son, Steve, a macho guy who runs things with military efficiency and all the warmth and holiday spirit of a roadkill. Meanwhile, his younger brother Arthur, a bumbling klutz, stumbles around messing things up while trying to read all the childrens letters and relate the relevant contents to Santa and Steve.
Steve dreams of being the next Santa (apparently, rather than being an immortal “jolly old elf” Santa is an inherited position, passed from father to son. Incidentally, the current Santas real name is Malcolm. Meanwhile, during a particularly intricate operation, a gift for a young girl named Gwen gets lost. No one realizes that until after everything is shut down. At that point both Santa and Steve kind of blow it off and it’s up to Arthur to deliver the gift. He recruits his grandfather, a former Santa and curmudgeonly old bastard, to help him. They find the old sleigh and reindeer, and head off. They are joined by Bryony, an elf who specializes in gift wrapping. She is actually my favorite character.
Anyway, Xmas chaos ensues. The world is convinced that aliens are invading. Certain characters are reminded of the true meaning of Christmas. You end up feeling good at the end.
Like I said, I won’t do the whole stars and black holes for a kid movie. I will say that 3D, while normally horrible for the average film, works really well for CGI cartoons. The best way to judge a kids movie, IMO, is by how the kids in the theater are reacting to it and in this case they were laughing their asses off. Great movie for kids. It’s clever enough to keep the parents engaged, although I don’t think it has enough meat on it to be worth seeing without kids (unless you plan to review it).
Thanks for reading. I’m off to watch the Last Starfighter at Bad Movie Night. Follow me on Twitter @NerdKungFu.
By the way, I’m hearing some seriously scary things out of the new Batman movie. As much as I am attracted to Anne Hathaway (and really, I am) I have said from the start I don’t think she could ever pull off Catwoman. Word is she is kind of butchering it, and wears a utility belt with an iPhone carrier. Also, Christopher Nolan is apparently channeling the spirit of Joel Schumacher from Batman and Robin by taking the highly intelligent South American super villain Bane and turning him into a muscle bound thug. Really, if you want a thug just do Killer Croc. It’s not rocket science. My best friend keeps telling me to keep the faith in that Christopher Nolan has yet to fail us, but this whole deal is really starting to smell of suck. Maybe he wants to ruin the Batman franchise for the next director, like Sam Raime did with Spiderman 3. I swear if Bruce Wayne goes emo and does a moody swing dance number while Catwoman sings I will beat the first person to tell me they liked the movie to a pulp.
I’m kidding about that, of course. I am a pretty non violent guy. Besides, why take my anger out on some hapless moron when I can use this blog to burn the director to my hearts content. I don’t know. It could be good. I’m just worried. I’ll try to keep up to date on what is going on, and talk about what I hear on future posts. Also, if the movie does both suck and blow, you can count on me to explain why and how in excruciating detail right here. Thanks again. Talk to you soon. Catwoman image, by the way, courtesy of the Batman T Shirt category.
Dave
