- The mother doesn’t die and Ted is just boring his kids because his wife has already heard all his stories 100,000,000 times. Barney and Robin are together and didn’t divorce just because Robin has a job that requires a lot of travel.
- Ted actually jumped in front of the train at the train station and has totally imagined his wife and kids and the last 20 years. He is actually in a coma waiting to die in the hospital and hallucinating constantly (my personal favorite). Meanwhile the bass player for the wedding band meets a certain nerd blogger and amateur movie reviewer and moves in with him in the Bay Area.
- Ted finally came to grips with the fact that since he has no male genitalia metaphorically he might as well embrace it and finally got his gender reassignment surgery and adopted two kids with his husband. You see this works because HE is now the mother and “How I met your mother” is really a metaphor for him meeting his true self and coming out of the closet. I like this one a lot too.
- He and Barney are now single bitter old men who are big time LARP and fantasy guys and spend their times making up stories about how their lives should have been. The kids are just a department store mannikin and a Resusci Anne Ted stole from a CPR class. Barney stops being cute and starts being super creepy.
- Lily freaks out one night and murders Marshal. Ted adopts their kids while Lily goes to the nut house and is really telling them about the events leading up to their mother going bonkers.
- Ted has been abducted by aliens after impregnating his wife and they have been probing him for years. His life with the kids growing up is all fantasy he has been developing in his head to help him deal with his ongoing vivisection. Meanwhile Marshal becomes obsessed with aliens and finding Ted and now lives in a trailer outside of Rialto, CA and wears a metal hat to protect his brain from the transmissions.
- A series of DNA tests prove that Barney is actually the father of Teds (and Marshals) kids and he is telling them the story before he and Marshal drive over and beat Barney to death with pick axe handles. Robin left Barney after he used a series of their sex tapes to launch his porn web site www.Legend-Derrieres.com.
- Ted is about to commit both his kids to a rehab clinic for massive drug use and is trying to get them to relax, little realizing the very reason they both dove head first into drugs was the massive boredom they experienced listening to his stories over the last 16 years. At the clinic Ted runs into Barney who has been committed for sex addiction.
- Ted discovers that his wife is really a super hero and she has passed on her super genes to the kids a la Incredibles. She and the kids fight crime while Ted tends house in a French maid costume and is trying to convince his kids that at some point he had some form of manhood with this story. The kids really do not buy it and basically treat him like a talking Roomba (the image comes from a great Incredibles logo t shirt we have in our collection). Barney is the super villain.
- The mother does not die.
Brave but not heroic.
I must admit I have fallen into the trap of letting trailers fool me into expecting great. It is something I should be hardened against by now but I guess the fact that I am doing fewer movies per week has lulled me a level of complacency that is dangerous for my fragile mind state. I took a hit when I really didn’t like Intersteller and now this film fails to live up to my (inflated) expectations.
Not to say Big Hero 6 was bad. It was decent. However the producers of this film made it abundantly clear that it was by the same crew that created Wreck-It Ralph, one of my favorite animated films. What they did not make clear is the fact that the director and writers of Wreck-It Ralph had nothing to do with it and that is like saying that the painting you did of your cat sleeping is by the same producers as the Mona Lisa just because you buy your canvas the guy who sells it to Da Vinci. That plus a massive trailer blitz had me hoping to add another masterpiece to my roster of go to animated films.
Is it fair to compare this film to WIR? In one sense no but in the sense that they blasted WIR’s name all over it yes. If you invite comparison you cannot complain when you fail to live up to that comparison. I see this as some idiot in the Old West strapping on a six gun and challenging the fastest gun. When you jump in the ring with a grizzly you cannot complain when you get your guts ripped out.
So is this film good when not compared to WIR? I’d say it’s adequately good. The story kind of blows and if you or your kid finds having a really appealing character die in a fire early on troubling (wait a good guy dies in a Disney film??? How is that even possible? I guess that’s where the PG rating comes from) you will be annoyed but the animation is truly excellent (in an improved Incredibles sort of way. The image is from a great Incredibles logo t shirt I wear once in a while) and the visuals stunning so if your kid understands death (or you ok telling him that Tadashi just “went to stay with Grandma for a while”) he or she will be reasonably entertained.
If you read my last post you might have gleaned that I was a little miffed at the god awful ending the “writers” plumbed out of the depths of their sweatiest ass. In spite all the many reasons they gave me to hate that show (most of them rhyming with “Med Tosby”) they actually managed to get me to care about how it ended (still not sure how that happened) and so when they basically took everything the show was building up towards and shot it into the sun in order to do…something (really, guys, what was the point?) I felt more than a little betrayed. However, like some kind of powerful nerd deity I destroy with one hand and create with the other so rather than just harp on how many balls that ending sucked I will instead come up with some suggestions on what they could have done instead. (SPOILERS incoming)
That’s just off the top of my head. Imagine what I would have come up with had I thought about it for more than an hour. Of course I think an hour is a lot longer than the actual writers used but whatever. If you have a suggestion or a better ending feel free to post it in the comments section.
the Infamous Dave Inman