Guardians of the Awesome.
First off let me apologize for not writing anything in the last month. The lead up to San Diego Comic Con followed immediately by the Las Vegas Star Trek convention really took it out of me and I have been scrambling to get caught up since getting back. While on the road I was a couple films and tried to write them up but tended to fall asleep at my keyboard. Thus I have the first paragraph of my Planet of the Apes and Earth to Echo reviews sitting in my drafts folder (amazing and cute but meh respectively). The worst part about being so absent is the last review I did was for Tammy and anyone coming to my blog for the first time has to deal with that broken sump pump.
So rather than go back and finish the two I have on deck I thought I would jump in with something epic, Guardians of the Galaxy. I will be honest. I had my doubts going in. I am a big Chris Pratt fan but never really saw him as an action guy (OK, sure Zero Dark Thirty and he was an awesome action guy in the Lego Movie, but still all I see is his goofy character in Parks and Rec) and the use of bad 70’s music seemed to imply that the studio was accidentally remaking Ice Pirates without realizing it. However, had I had the mental werewithal to do some actual research beforehand (hahahahaha yeah like that’s going to happen even when I’m well rested) I would have realized it was directed by Peter Gunn. Sure he did do Movie 43 and the Scooby Doo live action film (also Lollypop Chainsaw, the video game confluence of hot chicks in skimpy Catholic school uniforms and zombies. Actually when I write that sentence out it the game sounds a lot less lame than it did in my head) but one movie he did that really stands out and has relevance in this genre is Super. If you haven’t seen it I highly recommend it. It is not the movie you expect and you will not feel a lot better after seeing it but it is awesome nevertheless.
(actually Peter Gunn also wrote the screenplay for Tromeo and Juliet, putting him on another level of amazing IMO)
The point is I think Peter is good enough to execute a great comic book movie and here he proves it. It seems like the directors I like the best in mainstream film all started off doing lo budget garbage. The guys who cut their teeth working for the big studios all seem to suck (cough cough Bay cough cough).
So this movie is in all ways pretty amazing. What I loved most about it wasn’t the great action or special effects but rather the characters. Joss Whedon has had a very positive influence on Marvel studios and honestly this cast of characters and the ship has a very strong Firefly vibe to it (also Nathan Fillian made a cameo in it. See if you can spot him. Mal image courtesy of the Firefly T Shirt category). When asked which of the character I love the best I’m like a five year old. “Star Lord? He’s my favorite. Drax? Oh yeah, HE’S my favorite. Groot? Well, really he’s my favorite. Although maybe it’s Rocket.” Each one had a depth and interest that is lacking in a lot of so called character movies. They all work well together and you get a great feel of cohesion from the cast.
It’s interesting to me that Marvel (or Disney, if you want to get technical) has managed to figure out that when they go deep, deep into the source material and actually produce films based on the comic books they get much better movies than those that are merely “inspired” by their sources. Source material generally has great stories and characters that have been beloved and developed for years, not invented by a couple of coked up college dropouts with a word processor over a weekend. I guess this is a benefit of working for the biggest, most authoritarian entertainment production company in the universe. If there is one thing Disney understands it’s how to protect a franchise. Would that other franchises that may or may not rhyme with Tar Strek, Miderspan, or Franstormers learned that lesson. I doubt there is room for crappy creative ego or character re-imagining when you are under the thumb of the Mouse, and I’m sure any producer or director who said something like “You know what we should do? Instead of having Groot be a walking plant let’s make him a walking pipe cleaner man! The kids will love it!” got a size 16 white rodent boot broken off in his or her ass faster than HR could print out a pink slip. It’s odd that after all my years of railing against Disney I now find myself loving them.
So the story is great, but if you are not familiar with the Infinity Gauntlet and the events leading up to it you might miss a lot. Fortunately the core story holds up very well and the amazing characters will keep you fully engaged. It starts off with young Peter Quill on Earth being brought into the hospital bed to watch his mother die of cancer (I assume). She gives him a gift and tells him one day his father will find him. Peter runs outside and immediately abducted by aliens.
Skip forward 26 years and Peter Quill (Chris Pratt-the Lego Movie, Delivery Man, Parks and Rec) is now Star Lord, an outlaw with a slew of cool equipment including a fold out helmet I would give a lot to have. He is on a desolate planet looking for a weird orb while listening to his 26 year old tape Walkman playing hits of the 70’s. He gets the orb but almost gets pinched by some bad guys working for a guy named Ronan (Lee Pace-the Hobbit, Breaking Dawn Part 2, Lincoln) but gets away on his ship.
Turns out he is stealing the object and ripping off his sociopathic former partner Yondu Udonta (Michael Rooker-the Walking Dead, Jumper, Cliffhanger). He takes the orb to his buyer but the buyer backs out when he learns that Ronan is involved. On his way out he is attacked by a raccoon named Rocket (Bradly Cooper-the Hangover, Limitless, American Hustle) and Rockets giant plant friend Groot (Vin Diesel-Saving Private Ryan, Fast Five, Riddick), who are after the bounty put out by Yondo, and Gamora (Zoe Saldana-Star Trek Into Darkness, Colombiana, Avatar) the adopted daughter of Thanos (if you don’t know who Thanos is don’t worry about it) working for Ronin. They get into a scuffle and are all arrested by the Nova Corps led by Dey (John C. Reilly-Wreck It Ralph, Talladega Nights, Step Brothers).
They get tossed into prison and meet up with Drax (Dave Bautista-Riddick, WWE Smackdown, the Man with the Iron Fists). Drax hates Ronan and wants to kill Gamora but Peter convinces him to wait for Ronan to come kill her. The group teams up when Gamora tells them she has a buyer for the orb that will pay them enough to be rich forever. They all break out and get to the Collector (Benicio Del Toro-the Usual Suspect, Traffic, Savages) who opens up the orb and shows them it is one of the dreaded Infinity Gems.
Things go haywire and Peter is convinced he needs to turn the gem over to the Nova Corps. Ronan wants the gem in order to destroy his enemies. Things get blown up, guys get their asses beat down, and the movie progresses with an amazingly refreshing pace.
Great story that is extremely coherent (something of a singularity these days). Two stars. I loved every one of the characters and as jaded and beaten down as I am it’s rare that I love even one in a movie. Three stars. Comic book movie. One star. Great effects and CGI. One star. The soundtrack worked brilliantly. One star. Pacing was unbelievable. 121 minutes that felt like an hour. One star. I really enjoyed Michael Rooker in this even if he was just playing his usual character. I guess I really enjoy that character. One star. About 100,000,000 Easter Eggs, which made it a lot of fun. One star. I love films that stick to the source material and don’t “Hollywood” it up. One star. In general a super fun and exciting film. Three stars. Total: 15 stars (??!?!!).
The black holes:
If you aren’t up to speed on the Infinity Gauntlet story a lot of this might slip through your fingers. This could prove frustrating if you want to follow the story but if so go read some trades you lazy sod. I am sick of films over-explaining things to the non-fans. Nevertheless it rates one black hole. I was a little disappointed in how little Thanos was used. I thought he could have made another appearance or two and even thought I saw a big one coming towards the end. One black hole. Total: two black holes.
Wow. 13 stars. I can’t tell you to go see this film with more emphasis. It truly rocks. See it on the biggest IMAX 3D you can find. Date movie? Who cares? This film is so great your date could be a supermodel in a bikini two sizes too small for her and you wouldn’t even notice. Odds are you are better off going with your bros but if you do bring a date and she doesn’t love it the fact is the relationship was never meant to be. Better that you find out now. Bathroom break? Hell no. It is worth risking severe damage to your bladder or wear an adult diaper to not miss a minute of this film.
So thanks for your patience and for reading. I will try to get caught up soon and will be seeing a lot of films over the next two weeks. Follow me on Twitter @Nerdkungfu. Please post your comments here or email me with off topic questions or suggestions. Looks like I am going to have to see the new TMNT film (ugh) tonight so look for that review tomorrow. Talk to you soon.
the Infamous Dave Inmam
BTW the IMAX I went to for this film had assigned seating and the bastard sitting next to me had B.O. that could kill 1,000 elves. I suffered through it (once the movie got rolling I could have been on fire and not noticed) but if you happen to be that bastard burn your stupid hat, shave off your hipster beard, stop smoking, and Google deodorant. You just may learn something about personal hygiene that will have people hating you less.
Sea of Suck.
One of the may lies I tell myself frequently (along with I am not a self delusional megalomaniac and the only reason I am still single is I haven’t met the right girl yet) is that I am actually impartial in these reviews and allow each film to stand on it’s own merits regardless of how much it’s predecessor, director, or source material may or may not suck.
Like most of my comfort lies this is sort of true but sort of not. I do try to stay impartial, but when handed a film by Lucas, McG, or anything with sparkly vampires I tend to show up at the theater with my canines sharpened, salivating at the smell of fresh blood in the air. At this point I when I start off a review with something like this I usually say something like “But this one surprised me and made me ashamed of my natural predilection” but honestly, my instinct was pretty spot on. There was blood in the water and when I followed the trail I found a fat, badly wounded sea lion to chomp on.
My predispostion stems from making the mistake of watching Percy Jackson and the Lightning Thief. That movie also suckled at the suck teat, but honestly it was a more solid effort than this garbage. At least all the actors made an effort and tried to look like they cared. In this film the actors all looked like they had been rejected by a Thunderbirds casting call. I honestly can’t imagine any director going with the performances delivered. The whole thing had a very Ed Wood style to it. “Act scared! More scared. Too much scared! Now act sad. Cut! That’s a wrap! Next scene!”
So this movie is left with all the crap that clogged down the last film (the story equivalent of getting kicked in the head by a horse, a base premise that suspends your disbelief so high it needs oxygen masks, and a desperation to be the next Harry Potter so tangible you can almost hear the director demanding that the prop guy design some Greek flying brooms) without any of the parts that made the first movie not quite a grilled cheese and razor blade sandwich. Normally to get a shift in acting talent this severe you have to go with a new cast, but it looks like the crew took one look at the script and opted to do the whole movie on dog tranquilizers.
Speaking of Harry Potter (and attempting to recreate that magic) they cast a new guy as Percy’s brother who looks like his real brother was Ron Weasley. Honestly, that’s just pandering. They kind of missed the point of Harry Potter and the humor level in those films when they opted to add in slapstick humor with metronome-like regularity. I also had a nice reminder of the difference in movie ratings. It’s often you will find me railing at a PG-13 when the action pretty clearly called for R, but this movie had me yearning for the good old days of PG-13. I’ve seen more violent and dangerous pillow fights.
I do feel like a bit of an ass bitching about too much deus ex machina in a movie about gods, but it looks like the writer learned about deus ex machina but was never told that it is a lazy writers tool to move the story along and therefore bad. It’s like if you house trained your dog by giving him a treat every time he craps on the carpet. The crew needs to find a mysterious island and has no way of finding it? Let’s have three blind witches give them literal map coordinates. Scooby Doo would be embarrassed by that. They need to get from a dock to a ship out at sea? They pray to Poseidon and he sends a giant water horse to carry them. I have never seen it so blatant before. In the great words of Gunnery Sergent Hartman from Full Metal Jacket “If God would have wanted you up there he would have miracled your ass up there by now, wouldn’t he?” In this case the god did want them out to the ship.
Sigh. I could go on, so I will. The special effects ranged from halfway decent CGI to mediocre CGI all the way down to a corpse puppet that looked suspiciously like the Cryptkeepers wife (I’m not kidding). At some point they ran wanted to spice up the scenery so when they got to the mythic island where the cyclops guarding the Golden Fleece (which, by the way, is actually a fleece, not a gold threaded baby blanket) they find…an abandoned amusement park (again, no joke). The writers must have hit a “Buy one cliche, get 49 more free” sale and spent their life savings (including the inevitable trope of having the black guy dress up in drag). The villains plan was so painfully stupid you pitied him more for his learning disability than hated him for being evil. The CGI characters who spoke must have had the voices done by whatever jackass was hanging around the studio that morning. I think subconsciously the director understood what he was creating because at one point he had the main characters get sucked down in what can only be described as a giant toilet.
I really don’t want to do the story recap so I will buzz through. Percy is living at Camp Half Breed (isn’t the term Half Breed racist? I thought it referred negatively to a half Native American) with the other demigods, being annoyed by some new chick who is the daughter of Mars. The magic tree that protects the camp gets poisoned and a mechanical bull (looking extremely like one of my beloved Juggernauts from Warhammer) breaks in. Turns out they need the Golden Fleece to save the tree or be killed by something (apparently everyone in the universe that isn’t a part of their super guy camp hates them (including me)). The Mars chick is sent out but Percy, the blond girl from the last one, the black Satre, and Percy’s Ron Weasley looking Cyclops half brother (apparently if a god has sex with a nymph you end up with a cyclops. Does that mean that all cyclops’s are demigods?) go after it themselves. The Satre gets kidnapped by the bad guy from the last film leaving Percy, Ron, and the chick to complete the task (why does that party mix sound so familiar Harry?).
The bad guy’s plan is to use the Golden Fleece to resurrect Chronos, the original Titan known for eating all his children and have the guy destroy all the gods of Olympus and the world too (I guess the dude thought Chronos would stop at his grand children. See what I mean about a stupid plan?). They travel the world (where they apparently have friends in every city in the universe) and eventually end up on the amusement park island where they play keep away with Fleece from a cyclops who speaks like an Oxford don. Eventually Chronos is raised, only to be killed like 30 seconds later by Percy (why were they all afraid of this guy again?).
Really there is only one, and that is Nathan Fillion as Hermes. I’m not sure what the hell he was doing in this film but seeing him was like a breath of fresh air after spending all day trapped in a rancid sewer (Nathan image courtesy of the Firefly T Shirt category). One star. Total: one star.
The black holes.
Being slapped across the face over and over again by the hand of god. One black hole. Acting like everyone was sleep deprived. One black hole. A plot that can be called a story only because we don’t have a word stupid enough to accurately describe it. Two black holes. Harry Potter rip off. One black hole. All those little things I listed four paragraphs ago. I count five items, with a bonus for the amusement park. Six stars. All the horrible comedy bits, especially the three blind sister taxi drivers. One black hole. I especially hated the new cyclops guy and wanted to see him die. One star. I didn’t talk about it much, but this film is kind of a step backwards in terms of racial equality as well as loving yourself for who you are (the cyclops seems really concerned with hiding his one eye instead of ever embracing it). One black hole. Total: fourteen black holes.
So a grand total of thirteen black holes. Not an auspicious number. Is there anything worth seeing? No, not really. I can’t even comment on the hotness of the girls in this film as a draw. I’ve seen nuns show more skin. This film is tanking at the box office and it’s easy to see why. I’d say give it a pass. Date movie? If your date is or has the mentality of an eleven year old girl maybe, although please go to jail. Bathroom break? There is not a single second of this film that is not an excellent time to run out and take a dump, so if you have the trots this might be the perfect film for you.
Thanks for reading. Headed to Vegas tomorrow so nothing going on blog wise until Thursday when the new Simon Pegg film comes out. Looks good. Follow me on Twitter @Nerdkungfu, like me on Facebook, and if you have a comment for this film or my review post it here. Feel free to email me with any off topic questions or comments to firstname.lastname@example.org. Talk to you soon.
Like a gigantic guy doing a cannonball into a kiddie pool, a big movie release like Iron Man 3 tends to tsunami all the other movie releases out of the way. For those of us destined to watch several movies per week this can sometimes lead to a dearth of options. However, I appreciate it as these weekends are often a good chance to get caught up on independent films that would otherwise slip my net.
Thus we come to Mud, a Stand by Me-esque coming of age story with snakes and bounty hunters. Independent films I try to treat differently from movies with an actual budget, yet ironically they often come out better than multi million dollar fiascoes like the Last Stand. When the credits are rolling you come to realize that all the star power and slick special effects mean nothing if the writing sucks, and a good story with good acting will shine through all the budget limitations in the world.
That’s not to say this movie has bad production or lacks star power. I was kind of surprised at the cast, including Matthew McConaughey and Reece Witherspoon. The acting, direction, and camera work had the same production values as any number of bigger Hollywood films. On the other hand I’m not going to say the story and writing were flawless. It was good, and a fun, interesting story but there were a number of sub plots that did little but add to the considerable 130 minute run time and secondary characters that were either worthlessly emphasized or not emphasized enough. I will say however that most movies tend to fall back into the wailing mass that is my movie memory in short order and this one has caused me to reflect on it quite a bit. Take that for what you will.
The story is of two young boys Ellis (Tye Sheridan-the Tree of Life) and Neckbone (Jacob Lofland-first movie credit) living on the Mississippi delta. They sneak out on a small boat to check out a boat wreck stuck up in a tree on a small island. While there they meet Mud (Matthew McConaughey-Magic Mike, the Lincoln Lawyer, a Time to Kill), a drifter living in the boat. Mud offers them the boat when he leaves if they bring him so food. Ellis is intrigued by Mud.
Back home Ellis goes to work with his father (Ray McKinnon-the Blind Side, O Brother Where Art Thou, Apollo 13) delivering fish. His father is not going to win any father of the year awards and is having trouble with his wife (Sarah Paulson-Serenity, Down with Love, What Women Want (she was the doctor in the hologram from Serentity. Firefly image courtesy of the Firefly T Shirt category)). She wants to move to town but if she does they will lose the houseboat they live on and his livelihood. Ellis does not want to leave. He goes back to the island with some canned food for Mud.
Turns out Mud is wanted for killing a man. Mud tells Ellis a story about how this man hurt his girlfriend Juniper (Reece Witherspoon-Walk the Line, This Means War, Legally Blond) and he shot him. He is back in town to meet up with her. Meanwhile he decides he needs the boat to make his escape and works a deal for the repair supplies he needs in exchange for his pistol. Neckbone wants the gun but Ellis is more into the story of romance. It is established that he wants to believe in love as his parents are splitting up.
Bounty hunters hired by the dead man’s father (Joe Don Baker-if you want to laugh your ass of find the MST3K cover of Mitchel. Golden Eye, Cape Fear, Tomorrow Never Dies) and brother (Paul Sparks-Edge of Darkness, Trust Me, Boardwalk Empire) are all over the town. Juniper shows up and hangs out at a hotel. At that point the kids go on a Easter Egg hunt, more or less stealing the supplies Mud needs to get the boat out of the tree and in the water without sinking. He asks his old father figure Tom (Sam Shepard-the Right Stuff, Black Hawk Down, Safe House) for help but is refused. Meanwhile Ellis is dealing with his family breaking up and a tertiary romance with a girl in his town (Bonnie Sturdivant-Ol’ Daddy, the Great Mistake). Neckbone’s uncle (Michael Shannon-Bad Boys II, Vanilla Sky, Pearl Harbor) shows up to dispense some Delta wisdom and show what a good guy he is. At that point the plot thread frays into a bunch of sub plots until it all comes to a head.
Matthew McConaughey kind of kicked ass acting-wise. One star. The entire cast actually did a great job, especially the two kids. Two stars. The story was not your typical Hollywood crap, which I appreciate. Two stars. I kind of have a secret love of Southern culture and it was well displayed here. One star. I like movies that show kids doing stuff like we used to do as a kid, which is run around unsupervised and getting into trouble (in the perfect world in my head anyone who utters the phrase “play date” in a non disparaging manner will simply be sterilized for the good of humanity). One black hole. Overall a good movie, and one that has stuck with me. Two stars. Total: nine stars.
The black holes:
Not a lot really. I will give one for the numerous and unnecessary sub plots and minor characters, and for all the secondary characters who should have had more development time (Ellis’s parents, for example). One black hole. Somehow the last ten minutes shifted gears from a cool character story into an action film. One black hole. I could give one for this movie seemingly padded out and running long, but I suspect the director was purposely using that as a tool to show the slower life style of Southern river culture. Also the characters kept me from feeling it too much so I will forgo. Total: two black holes.
A grand total of seven stars. An excellent movie overall. It’s not going to blow up like Argo did but it is kind of in the same indy camp. If you can see it please do. Nothing here requires a big screen but see it in a theater if you can, if only to help encourage more good indy films. Date movie? Absolutely. This movie will warm her heart, and since the best looking guy in the film is a smelly homeless man you should far pretty will in comparison. Just be careful if she is a big Magic Mike fan. Bathroom break? The May Pearl romance is the most worthless and undeveloped of the sub plots so any of the scenes involving her and Ellis can be missed with no real problem.
Thanks for reading. More coming out this weekend, including the Great Gatsby and Peeples. I will see them both and get you a review ASAP. Follow me on Twitter @Nerdkungfu. If you have comments on this film or my review feel free to leave it here. Off topic questions and suggestions can be emailed to email@example.com. Talk to you soon.
Just continuing with my thoughts on genres and specific movies with regards to how they will work for movie night.
Horror-it is something of an urban myth that all women react to horror movies with a need to be held and an increase in libido. This can be true of some women, but a lot of others might be so creeped out that they just want to lock all the doors and sleep with the lights on, especially if the movie in question featured a young couple making love while the monster sneaks up to impale them both on a sharpened lacrosse stick. If she suggests a horror film than odds are good that she is in the former camp, but if she doesn’t you should not be the one to do it. Also, be aware of the gore factor. I can’t imagine any woman wanting to do anything remotely physical or intimate after watching Dead Alive.
Artsy foreign films-regardless of who suggests these, your date and your future relationship have just been smeared with the pungent oil of pretentiousness. If she suggests it and you like foreign films than by all means go with it. Just plan on being the couple all your friends secretly hate. If she suggest them and you don’t like them, do a quick mental calculation of how horny you are for her versus how much inane artsy film school prattle you can stomach in an evening. If you suggest it and she doesn’t like them know that she is doing the same exact calculation, only odds are she is a lot less horny. Also, subtitled films tend to require more attention from the two of you, giving you less opportunity to pay attention to each other. Furthermore, be aware that you can never really predict what a foreign art film is about from the title. Man Bites Dog really isn’t about dogs, and has a grim violence level that will most likely put her off. City of Lost Children really isn’t about children, and the surrealness of it does not make for great date material. Do your research.
Artsy domestic films-a weird phenomenon is when trying to think of movies to suggest, your brain will tend to fall back onto the artsier films in some kind of attempt to impress her with your depth, rather than just pulling out something you will both enjoy. The fact is most artsy films do not make a lot of money for a reason. I won’t say that reason rhymes with “muck”, but you really have to be of the right mindset and mood to appreciate movies made for the art of it. Don’t get me wrong. I love artsy independent films. I just would not suggest one of them for a first time hanging out with a girl.
Firefly-believe it or not, Firefly episodes make for a great date, as well as an awesome coolness test for your date. Even if she has never seen it before, it is hard not to love it. If she sees it and loves it you will have a great date and will have helped to create a new fan. If she sees it and doesn’t like it then kick her ass out of your newly cleaned apartment for being a soulless, evil robot probably bent on extracting your life essence in a painful and protracted process. You are better off without her. If she is the one to suggest this then when you finally screw things up be sure to send her phone number to me (Jayne image courtesy of the Firefly t shirt category).
Actually, any decent Joss Whedan will work.
That’s it for tonight. More tomorrow.
OK, last night at bad movie night we saw Unbreakable, which I actually like a lot, so I don’t feel the need to bitch about it. Back to the dating stuff.
You have filtered through a large number (I hope) of postings and used my advice to interpret some of the info and photos posted. You have selected one who seems interesting, attractive, and real (by that I mean she is likely an actual human being, not some Easter European scam artist or someone offering you money from a Nigerian prince. Use your brain. Why would a woman who looks like a super model need to find guys on a web site?). Time to send that critical first email. What to include in this magical missive?
The fact is, most women who are even remotely attractive will have their email inbox blow up like a 300lb guy stuffed into a size 6 wetsuit. The bottom line is you have to really stand out in some way, and do it within the first three lines of the email as if you have not she will stop reading. The easiest way to catch her interest is with a hot photo of yourself, but unless you have some major speech or personality disorder bordering on dysfunctional yet still look stunning I would be willing to bet you don’t have any of those based on the fact that you are reading this blog for dating advice and not working as an underwear model. However, know that a photo or lack thereof is the first filter most women use to separate the wheat from the chaff, so if you don’t send a picture you can more or less guarantee not hearing back from her.
Honestly, this is just another version of the pick up lines I talked about several months ago and you can readily apply most of those rules to this situation. I have found my best bet is to go with observational humor. Since you aren’t experiencing a common situation to observe you can only make a joke about the one thing you have any information on: her. Examine her listing and look for something unusual or odd that she has an interest in. Make a joke about it that is funny but not too mean. If you can crowbar in a depreciating comment about yourself that works too. This is a great move in that it shows her how funny you are and more importantly that you actually read her post and aren’t just spamming every human with two X chromosomes you can find. Here are a few examples (not necessarily good ones, but you can get the idea).
She says she likes water polo. You say “I tried water polo once but my horse died”
She loves dancing. “I love dancing, but I have to warn you I dance like a big white guy” This really only works if you are actually a big white guy.
She loves to cook. “I don’t cook much. The best thing I can make is a good reservation.” This works because if she really likes to cook she will want to cook for you. Never pass up on a free meal, especially at her place.
The last trip she took was to France. “Rumor has it there is a place in France where the ladies wear no pants. Would you care to comment?”
She says she loves cats. “I like cats quite a bit myself, but as a rule don’t date anyone who owns more than two.”
Anyway, you should get the idea. Even if she is kind of offended a little she will be intrigued by the bad boy who makes fun of her interests and want to meet you. Either that she will just delete your email in a huff and you are spared the pain of dating a humorless uptight prig.
Also be sure to say something about yourself, but not a lot. Remember that whole “Familiarity breeds contempt” rule I listed under opening conversations. That rule holds even more true here, as she will be making gross generalized assumptions about you based on minimal actual evidence. Here is an example of what I would consider a decent opening email.
“Hi (her name here). I saw your listing on (whatever dating site) and found it intriguing (<–this is a good word to use. Everyone likes to think they are intriguing). I noticed you are into (whatever hobby she listed here that you actually have tried or at least know a little about). I love (that hobby) as well. I also noticed that you like (whatever weird thing you are going to bag on). I once tried it but (insert witty joke here).
I am (insert marital status, orientation, race, age, and gender here, preferably in letter form such as SWM) and am into (whatever hobby doesn’t make you look like a weird introverted geek). I think it would be cool to chat and get to know you a little more. I have included a photo of me at (whatever event you took the photo of. I would say a relatives wedding usually works really well. Not a Star Trek convention). I am the one on the (side) wearing the (specific clothing). Let me know if you are interested. I can be reached by (email or IM service. No phone number or she will think you are a potential stalker). Talk to you soon.
(Your name here)
P.S. (Additional innocuous joke of some kind)”
That pretty much is the formula. Of course vary it a bit. Mix it up. Then, once you have sent that, go back to your dating service and send out about 20 more every day until you get a girlfriend, as odds are very high that you will never hear from her. However, if you send out 10,000 emails and get one girlfriend you are ahead of the game. Also, wrap this up by about 8pm and try to go out and meet a girl in person. Don’t get all (or more) introverted and agoraphobic.
That’s it for today. More on online dating tomorrow, unless I find something else to talk about.
Yesterday’s question, Jayne Cobb versus John McClane, has kind of thrown me for a loop as I happen to love both characters. Also I think they are really evenly matched. However, I believe Vera has both the range and the hitting power to outshoot the MP5 McClane had in Die Hard, so I am going to have to bet on Jayne in a close match. (Jayne image courtesy of the Firefly t shirts)
For today let’s get historical. As any fan of Fight Club knows, given any historical figure to fight Tyler Durden would chose to Abraham Lincoln. Who would win?