Movie Review: A Big Wedding
…and Four Big Funerals.
During the course of seeing and reviewing so many movies over the last four years I believe I have managed to develop an appreciation for films outside of my preferred genres. Chick flicks are no longer as alien to me as the actual women who watch them and I am secure enough in my own manhood to watch and enjoy a good “feel good” movie without feeling like my man parts are being absorbed back into my body. I believe this has given me the perspective to fairly judge a good chick flick from a bad one.
Thus I hope you trust me in that my dislike of this film does not stem from my massively overpowering machismo but rather from the fact that is is a crap movie. It is essentially a mediocre Three’s Company episode stretched out into 89 minutes and padded with some big name actors. For some bizarre reason they opted to go for an R rating with cuss words and one (granted, highly appreciated) nude scene. For the life of me I can’t figure out the logic behind that. The target demographic for this film appears to be sexagenarian women (possibly with Alzheimer’s, although I don’t know if that part was intentional) and I couldn’t imagine a group more likely to be offended by the occasional (and fully superfluous) F bomb.
More than anything this movie reminded me of the stupendously bad New Years Eve, even more so because it starred Robert De Niro and Katherine Heigl (I am a De Niro fan, and actually like Katherine a lot. I think she is a talented actress and is shockingly hot. She just seems attracted to bad movie scripts like a fly to a pest strip). It had the same issues of multiple stories involving grossly underdeveloped characters, coma inducing plots, motivations that made it seem like the entire cast were all Barbie dolls being played with by the worlds stupidest giant little girl, and happy endings pulled from the darkest nether regions of the writers ass. I have no problem with happy endings (a fact that may come as a shock to many of my friends) but having everyone just forgive each other in the last 10 minutes like someone pumped the room full of aerosol Ecstasy bugs.
This isn’t the sort of bad that has me transform into a critic werewolf and shred it from stem to stern (Werewolf image courtesy of the Funny T Shirt category). It is more the type of bad that has me wishing they would let me watch these films prior to the final cut and listen to my advice (while the producers and director were all wearing a dog shock collar that I controlled). The acting was actually very good from everyone (with this cast I don’t know how you could get a bad performance), there were a few funny moments, and the one nude scene was like opening a Christmas present that you thought was going to be more socks but turned out to be a really hot nude scene. If this had been a made for TV movie it would have been perfectly adequate.
Before I go on I’d like to say that while the acting was really good there isn’t a single character in this film I didn’t hate with the burning passion of 10,000 suns. Each one was more annoying than the last. Even the hot women I wanted to see suffer horribly. They collectively had the believability and likability of used car salesman who moonlights as a cannibal serial killer (hmm. Interesting movie idea…). If the film had found a reason to call in an airstrike on the wedding itself I would have called this the best movie of 2013.
The story. Ellie (Diane Keaton-the Godfather, Murphy Brown, Annie Hall) returns to her former home (accompanied by a monolog that sticks around just long enough to really annoy but then disappears forever. Kind of a lose/win) for her adopted sons wedding. There she interrupts her ex husband Don (Robert Di Niro-Goodfellas, the Godfather, Meet the Parents) in the middle of an intimate act with his long term girlfriend Bebe (Susan Sarandon-Thelma and Louise, Dead Man Walking, the Rocky Horror Picture Show). He is an unlikable dirt bag. Anyway, their kids Lyla (Katherine Heigl-One for the Money, New Years Eve, Knocked Up), Jared (Topher Grace-Spider Man 3, Predators, the Giant Mechanical Man (?)), and adopted son Alejandro (Ben Barnes-the Chronicles of Narnia, Dorian Grey, Easy Virtue) show up with their assorted sub plots. Lyla is a bitchy lawyer who can’t have babies and is going through a divorce (but doesn’t drink and is vomiting in what could be one of the lamest in movie spoilers ever), Jared is a hot 29 year old doctor virgin (remember when believability was a crucial element to a plot point? The writers of this film don’t). Alejandro (Al) is getting married to a super hot girl (Amanda Seyfried-Les Miserables, In Time, Mamma Mia) whose parents are rich (sort of) racist WASPs (although technically they are Catholic).
Meanwhile Al’s birth mother Madonna (Patricia Rae-Maria Full of Grace, Swim Fan, Detachment) is a hard core Catholic (oh, I see what they did with her name. Not as clever as they thought it was IMO) who views divorce as a cardinal sin so Al has to get his parents to pretend they are married much to the dismay of Bebe. She arrives with Al’s super hot sister Nuria (Ana Ayora-Marley & Me, In the Presence of Evil, Meddling Mom) who wants to get laid while in America and targets Jared.
Ugh. The plot threads twist and intertwine in a way that would embarrass a soap opera writer. Jared decides that now is the perfect time to lose his virginity just as Ellie convinces Nuria that she needs to be romanced (involving poetry, apparently). Ellie and Don hook back up for no apparent reason. Turns out Ellie cheated on Don first but Don also cheated on Ellie with Bebe. Missy’s mom Muffin (no joke. Christine Ebersole-One Life to Live, Mac and Me, Amadeus) is a lesbian and her husband is the guy Ellie cheated with. Bebe and Ellie were best friends before. Jared finally gets with Nuria while Al and Missy elope and Lyla reconnects with her husband in the last ten minutes. Gah. My brain hurts just trying to recall all this garbage.
The stars.
Acting was pretty damned good all around. Everyone seemed willing to give a lame script their best efforts and I applaud them for their work ethic. One star. The nude scene was like a much needed bathroom break on a long, long road trip. One star. The priest was played by Robin Williams and he was freaking brilliant (as usual). Had this film had the wit to focus more on him it would not have been such a crapfest. One star. Total: three stars.
The black holes.
Convoluted, twisty plot threads that annoyed the hell out of me and never gave the audience any one thing to really sink their teeth into. In addition each plot painfully predictable. Two black holes. Character motivation that was as believable as a homeless guy panhandling outside of a liqueur store trying to tell you he needs money for food. One black hole. The characters to a man and woman made me hate the human race (at least all the parts of it involved with the production of this film). As much as I am a fan of De Niro his character in particular had me chewing on my arm rest. Two black holes. A bonus black hole for the 29 year old virgin doctor. One black hole. None of the characters got even close to adequate development, leaving us with a bunch of people we are moderately familiar with and don’t give a damn about. One black hole. The curse words that helped this film earn it’s R rating felt forced and unnecessary. One black hole. Charging me money for a film I should be seeing on Lifetime mid afternoon when I stay home sick with the flu. One black hole. Total: nine black holes.
A grand total of six black holes. Anything redeeming here? Like I said, Robin Williams was funny and there were a few amusing moments. If your grandmother was a hippy in the 60’s and still talks like it she might think this amusing. I am not going to recommend this one for my mother. If you do want to see it this thing has NetFlix written all over it in giant neon letters. Date movie? If your date is a huge Love Boat and Thelma and Louise fan maybe. Should she suggest it agree since if she has the slightest shred of humanity she will feel guilty for subjecting you to this dross and will most likely give you compensatory sex. Bathroom break? Try to not miss any of the Robin Williams scenes but other than that go at any time. There is only one nude scene so once you are past that the opportunities are endless.
Thanks for reading. I have tickets to a late night showing of Iron Man tonight and am really excited. Having just watched this will only enhance my viewing experience so hopefully I will have a massive glowing review for you tomorrow morning. Follow me on Twitter @Nerdkungfu. If you have comments on this film I pity you as it means you have seen it but feel free to leave them at the bottom. Off topic questions and suggestions can be emailed to [email protected]. Talk to you soon.
Dave
