The Nerdy Awards: The Best and Worst Movies of 2011 Part 1
Time to get into this. First of all, this is actually the best and worst movies of 2011 that I actually saw and reviewed, for the most part. If I missed something you think is supposed to be here, my apologies. I am going to do this Oscar style by listing the candidates for my fake awards and then let you know the winner. I think each post in this series I will give a few of my bitter joke awards and end up with one or two good one.
The “Who Brought This Guy Award” for the most unnecessary, worthless, or unasked for sequel of the year. The candidates are: the Twilight Saga Breaking Dawn Part I, Johnny English Reborn, Columbiana, and The Hangover Part II. Johnny English seems to be the obvious choice, but when you think about it the reasons for this sequel make total sense: ripping off as many foreign viewers as possible. The bitterness that resides deep in the heart of the voting Academy (one member, me) makes me inclined to go with the Hangover, but I think if the movie going audience had been poled prior to this abortion being released most people would have said a sequel was a good idea. Yes, the winner of the Who Brought This Guy Award goes to Columbiana. It was originally written as a sequel to the Professional, a film that in no way ever needed a sequel. Also it was pretty miserable as a stand alone movie.
The “Invasion of the Body Snatchers” award for the flattest, most robot-like emotionless performance(s) of the year. The candidates are Nicholas Cage for Season of the Witch and Drive Angry, Ryan Gosling for Drive, Robert the tire from Rubber, the dead cosmonaut from Apollo 18, and Atom the fighting robot from Real Steel. The winner, barely beating out the dead cosmonaut, has to be Nicholas Cage. Congratulations.
The “Accidentally drank from the Drano can instead of my beer award” (AKA the George Inman (my father) memorial award) for the movie that I thought was going be great and instead felt like I was being shot naked with a paintball gun for two hours. The candidates are The Green Hornet, The Green Lantern, Conan the Barbarian, Battle Los Angeles, The Hangover Part II, the Killer Elite, and The Adventures of Tintin. In terms of biggest level of anticipation followed by biggest fall, this Nerdy can only go to the Green Lantern. I had so much hope for this movie, and was so bitterly disappointed. (Green Lantern image courtesy of the Comic Book t shirt category)
The “Purposely drank from the Drano can” award for the movie that I totally expected to suck and it did. The candidates are New Years Eve, Jack and Jill, Footloose, Bucky Larson: Born to Be a Star, What’s Your Number, the Change Up, and I am Number Four. This Nerdy is near and dear to my heart, as it is my chance to feel good about how smart and perceptive I am. Bucky Larson was a contender, but I have to give it to Jack and Jill, the movie equivalent of passing a baseball sized kidney stone.
The “Dave is an idiot” award for the movie I expected to suck and turned out great. The candidates are Fast Five, Bridesmaids, Friends with Benefits, Our Idiot Brother, Don’t be Afraid of the Dark, Warrior, and the Thing. Honestly, I am going to have to go with the Thing. I thought it was going to be another mediocre remake of a great movie, and instead it was a brilliant prequel to a great movie. Kudos.
The “I wish I had a hot car and girlfriend” award for the best driving movie. This year there were only three eligible. Drive, Drive Angry, and Fast Five. I am going to have to give this Nerdy to Fast Five. I was really surprised how much I enjoyed it. The other two were retrospectively a boring arsty noir film and a bad grindhouse spoof.
That’s it for today. Warhammer tonight and I have to compose a new list. More awards tomorrow. Thanks for reading. Follow me on Twitter @NerdKungFu. By the way, I saw the trailer for the Hobbit and, while it looks decent like detecting a lump in my testicles I am starting to see signs that the cancer of remaking great stories to suit Hollywood creeping its way into this film. It’s been years since I read the Hobbit, but I don’t recall Bilbo Baggins spending a lot of time in Elrond looking at the Shards of Narsil. He was there, but it was pretty brief. Also, I couldn’t be sure but I think they stuck a human into the party besides Gandalf with the dwarfs. Also someone told me they managed to crowbar Arwen into the the story. You know, in a story as rich as the Hobbit I think it’s OK to not have a pretty face in there worthlessly. I don’t know if any of this is true, but I hope they aren’t going to ruin this in order to make a few more bucks. I’ll let you know what else I hear.
Dave
We Bought a Zoo Movie Review
The sappiness dial on this movie goes up to 11.
Yes, this movie was sappy like Natalie Portman is hot or the general movie going population is dumb. Does that hurt the movie? In one sense yes. However, if you saw any of the trailers and expected to be anything other than heartwarmed then your problems with perceptions run so deep you wouldn’t notice that your hair was on fire until someone shot you in the face with a fire extinguisher. This movie will play your emotional heartstrings like a cheap ukelele, evoking sadness, happiness, cuteness, frustration and (in the case of Scarlett Johansson and, assuming you are into men, Matt Damon) horniness. (11 Dial image courtesy of the Funny T Shirt category)
The story is, as the title subtlety implies, about a family that buys a zoo. It starts off with the father (Matt Damon-Good Will Hunting, the whole Bourne series) and his kids dealing with the recent death of his wife (Stephanie Szostak-the Devil Wears Prada, Dinner for Schmucks). His annoying 14 year old son (Colin Ford-Jack and the Beanstalk, Push) is dealing by acting out in passive aggressive ways and by drawing disturbing pictures all the time. His daughter Rosie (Maggie Elizabeth Jones-Footloose) seems better adjusted but prone to telling strangers that her mommy died.
Let me just go on an aside and talk a bit about Maggie Elizabeth Jones. In this movie she is comprise of 100% pure weapons-grade cuteness. I can’t stress that enough. She is so cute your face will hurt from smiling every time she is on the screen or says something. Until she turns into another annoying teenage actress she will probably have a lock on every super cute child role for the next six years, and deservedly so. I am not really into other people’s kids, but was smiling every time she said something.
Anyway, the son Dylan gets booted out of school for stealing and the father Benjamin (who by the way, is being stalked by every hot woman in whatever town he lives in. I guess being a hot single widower with super cute kids is quite the turn on for women) decides they need a new start. He ends up buying the zoo based on his love of the house. He opts to get the zoo running again and meets the staff, including the super hot zookeeper Kelly Foster (Scarlett Johansson-Match Point, Iron Man 2, the Prestige) who falls into the Hollywood pit of the amazing girl who dedicated her life to animals rather than dating and getting a life, as well as a host of flat, two dimensional stereotypes ( just imagine the kind of hippies who want to work on a zoo for no money and you will have them nailed down). Her younger 13 year old sister Lilly (Elle Fanning-Super 8, Deja Vu, the Door in the Floor) lives there too and gains a crush for emo-Dylan. At that point the story more or less follows the very typical family-business-struggling-in-the-face-of-adversity Hollywood script. They are obstructed by a cartoonish antagonist in the form of USDA inspector Walter Ferris (John Micheal Higgins-Wag the Dog, Fun With Dick and Jane, Bad Teacher) who has to certify them before they open and a host of other incidental problems.
The stars. The movie does what it set out to do, which is yank your emotions around like a fish on a line before landing you in the heartwarming boat. One star. Rosie was painfully cute. One star. Good dialog. One star. Good direction. One star. The main characters in the form of Benjamin and Kelly felt really real, although their on screen romance felt a little artificial. One star. Lots of cute animals to look at. One star. At the end of the film you feel good and don’t feel like your time and money were wasted. Two stars. Total: eight stars.
The black holes. As real as Benjamin and Kelly felt, almost all the supporting characters felt really flat and artificial. The supporting characters in the Muppets felt more real. One black hole. Pacing really seemed to drag at times. One black hole. The story was predictable enough to set your clock to. One black hole. Total: three black holes.
A grand total of five stars. Not bad. Worth seeing with the qualifier that you are not looking for any chases, fights, explosions, or surprises of any kind. It really earns it’s PG rating. I don’t think any of the scenes are of such cinematographic brilliance that they require a large screen, so NetFlix is fine. On the other hand, this is a brilliant date movie, as your girl will love it and the little girl will have her thinking about a family for sure.
That’s it for now. I am working on my Nerdy Awards and think I will start them over the weekend. Nothing to see tonight, but I might actually do some nerd dating advice tomorrow. Some things that happened over New Years kind of got me thinking about it again. Look for that tomorrow. Follow me on Twitter @NerdKungFu. Thanks for reading. Talk to you soon.
Dave
Happy New Year.
And a 2011 movie recap.
So I have been working on my movie awards (the Nerdies) and in preparation for this created a data base of all the movies I reviewed last year. It was a lot. 90 movies, to be precise. Kind of a staggering amount, and I saw a lot of crap and a lot of good stuff. If you are interested in any of these reviews (most are pretty good in my less than humble opinion) you can choose the month on the right and scroll until you find it, or just search it out on Google. Here is the list:
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War Horse Movie Review
Decent movie, but don’t see this if you actually love horses.
This movie was actually better than I expected. Sure, it’s Spielberg, but I had just been disappointed with Tintin and as masterful a storyteller as he is, he has a tendency to let his story dip into the sappy zone and hover there, like in E.T. However, while the sap was there (lots of young boys snuggling horses) the story, after a sluggish start, really drew you in.
Spielberg appears to be using this production as a tool to show the horror of WWI like he did with Saving Private Ryan. However, in spite of a much more terrible war (WWI was way more brutal than WWII. WWI is why they created war crimes) it does not come even close to how well Private Ryan did. The blame for this I put firmly on the PG-13 rating Spielberg bends bars to maintain. I am not one of those guys who feels the need for gore and blood in everything, but the impact of a battle scene loses something when nothing brutal is shown. Guys get shot and just fall to the ground. One of the main characters gets caught in a gas attack and in the next scene, instead of showing him lying in a cot coughing himself to death (mustard gas) he has a bandage over his eyes. There was none of the horrific desperate attempts to hold your own entrails in, or guys getting their limbs blown off. It was almost sanitized, like a video game, and that sensitization kind of washes away a lot of the impact.
However, as kind as Spielberg was to his human characters he makes it up in his treatment of the horses. Through a series of really good puppets and camera work with very little CGI he shows all kinds of horrible things happening to horses. To be honest it was more than a little stomach turning, and I had to look away during a couple scenes. A horse is a noble creature, and should not be shown in extreme pain and horrible situations. I can’t actually call anything that happened animal cruelty, as none if it was malicious or intentional, but just really hard to watch. This goes out to my horse loving friend Lauren in particular. Don’t see this if you have a love of horses.
Anyway, the movie, with a few spoilers. It follows the life of Joey, a thoroughbred horse born on a Scottish farm prior to WWI. His birth is witnessed by young Albert Narracott (Jeremy Irvine-no other film roles), who takes an instant bond with him. The horse goes up for auction and Alby’s drunken father Ted (Peter Mullan-Trainspotting, My Name is Joe, Boy A) makes the mistake of buying him for a very large amount. This is going to cause them to lose the farm, literally, unless Alby can train Joey to pull a plow and can then plow the most rock filled field in all of Scotland. He does so and all seems well until the crop is ruined from a storm. Ted is forced to sell Joey to a cavalry officer (Tom Hiddleston-Loki from Thor, Midnight in Paris, Conspiracy), who takes him to France where he learns what happens when sword wielding cavalry charges machine guns. Joey is captured by the Germans and put to use hauling ambulances. He then goes through a long series of owner changing, from two German deserters, a French jam maker and his granddaughter, and a German artillery officer who seems to relish putting down injured horses. He finally breaks free in a panic and runs out into No Man’s Land and gets caught up in the one scene I had the hardest time watching. He gets rescued by a Scottish corporal with the help of a German infantryman (a love of horses supersedes the need to kill each other) and is eventually reunited with Alby, who apparently joined the infantry while all this was going on. Some other drama goes on before the end.
The stars. Decent if sappy story. One star. Amazing camera work and visuals. Two stars. While not graphic enough to really impact, the fighting did illustrate a lot of the horror of WWI. One star. The uniforms and equipment seemed correct, including the German spiked Kaiser helmets, and the entire film was very well within period. One star. This is something only a treadhead would appreciated, but they actually did show a rhomboid tank (I think it was a MkV Heavy, but they didn’t really show it off entirely). I don’t know if they found a functional unit (there are a few in the world) or just built a replica, but really cool. One star. The horse handling, puppets and special effects were stunning. One star. I don’t want to get into it too much, but this movie did manage to draw out an emotional response from me. One star. Overall good movie. Two stars. Total: nine stars.
The black holes. Stomach wrenching horse-in-pain scenes. One black hole. For the most part, all the characters seemed flat and uninteresting. I don’t know if this was the writing or the fact there doesn’t actually seem to be a real protagonist. The focal character changes every 15 minutes or so, never allowing you to connect with any of them, and Joey the horse does not show enough of a distinctive personality to really connect with. For the most part he acts like a horse and a horse is a horse (of course, of course). One black hole. Each sub-character seemed to have a whole new sub plot that disappeared with that character. One black hole. What could have been a great R rated war movie got a PG-13 rating tied to its feet. One black hole. Total: four black holes.
So a grand total of five stars. Decent movie in all regards, and well worth watching. I will also say that the visuals are amazing, and if you don’t see it in a huge theater you will not get the full effect. Go out and see it. I don’t know how this would work as a date movie. Sure, it has horses, but it also has a lot of other stuff that might turn a girl off. She might respond well to the ending, but I personally don’t like to leave stuff like that to chance.
That’s it for now. I have a freakishly busy weekend coming up (party, party, dinner with friends) and don’t know if I will get to see anything. It might be Monday before I blog again. (Party Like a Vulcan image courtesy of the Star Trek T Shirts). Thanks again for reading. Talk to you soon.
Dave
The Darkest Hour in 3D Movie Review
Is finding a non-moronic reason for aliens to invade the Earth really such a challenge for Hollywood?
This may sound weird, but in my opinion the best reason to invade a movie has come up with in 2011 has got to be Skyline. Stealing human brains to operate the biomechanical constructs makes sense to me. It is a resource you can only get here. The Darkest Hour suffers from the same problem that plagued Battle LA: the aliens are here to steal resources that are easily available any number of other places in the universe that don’t have the pesky natives fighting back all the time.
I don’t know. I guess this premise was slightly more plausible than stealing water, but even so if you are even going to give us a reason spend a little more time thinking about the mechanics of it. Any race capable of traveling light years to Earth should not have a huge problem with asteroid mining and so on.
Anyway, that is my true geek issue with this movie. There are other, more general reasons but that is mine. The movie starts out with two young software engineers (Emile Hirsch-Into the Wild, Milk, Speed Racer, the Girl Next Door and Max Minghella-the Ides of March, Social Network, Agora) flying to Moscow to pitch some kind of social media service to some ill defined Russian group (government? Corporation? Russian mafia?) only to find they are being totally ripped off by their Swedish former business partner (Joel Kinnaman-the Killing, Easy Money). They decide to blow off steam the way any rational human would-by getting hammered and hopefully laid at a sleazy Russian nightclub. There they meet two girls from America and Britain (heartbreaker Olivia Thirlby-Juno, No Strings Attached, the Wackness(?) and hot blonde Rachel Taylor-Transformers, Bottle Shock, Shutter) and talk the night away. Then, sparkly Christmas tree lights land and go invisible. They kill everyone they come into contact with in a very PG-13 friendly instant dissolve. They are invisible but activate light bulbs whenever they get near so you can sort of see them coming, at least in urban areas.
The kids hide in a storage room for a few days, and then have to trek across Moscow. People get dissolved. They discover the only really interesting character in the movie, a Russian electrician (Dato Bakhtadze-Crash, Wanted) who invents a microwave gun that can disrupt the alien shields. Then he gets killed. The group in joined by yet another hot young person (Veronika Ozerova-no other credits) who adds nothing nothing to the group except a sexy Russian accent (“Boris! We have to get moose and squirrel!”). For some reason I hope she does well, if only because this is her first film and she is pretty cute. Anyway, more stuff happens. Toward the end of the film the writers started channeling Independence Day. I mean, they figure out how to make the aliens visible and vulnerable to regular guns, and that is supposedly enough of a fighting edge to let the humans actively resist. They still don’t really address the fact that until the aliens get shot by the gun they are mostly invisible, a tactical advantage on the order of bringing a gun to a knife fight. If you see the movie you will see what I mean. After an hour and a half of plodding but in tone sci fi movie progression in the last ten minute the plot takes a left turn into Cheesy Valley and founds a township there.
Anyway, the stars. Sci fi movie. One star. 
The aliens, when you finally see them, are pretty cool looking although highly derivative (cough cough ripped off cough cough) of Alien (Alien image courtesy of the Sci Fi T-Shirt category). One star. Olivia Thirlby was driving me crazy throughout the movie. If anyone were to ask me what type of girl gets me the most, it’s hers. One star. In spite of some other issues that will come up later in the black hole region, I thought the actors all did an admirable job with the material they were given. One star. Some interesting scientific concepts used here. None of them really possible given the actual laws of thermodynamics, but interesting nevertheless. One star. You don’t see a lot of movies filmed in Moscow that aren’t spy films. One star. Overall pacing was good. One star. Total: seven stars.
The black holes. Cheesy ending. One black hole. Stupid reason for the aliens to invade. One black hole. A complete lack of character development from anyone. There was a little bit before the start of the invasion, but it actually made me dislike the characters more than like them. They were all painfully flat and one dimensional. I felt no real connection with any of them and therefore did not really care when they died. One black hole. Somehow a movie featuring invisible aliens did very little to terrify me. It’s like when you see a campy movie where the guy is boxing someone invisible (Cave Dwellers starring Miles O’Keefe, for example). You just can’t really take it seriously, and you suspect the scene is there to spare the movie makers the cost of hiring another villain, or in this case spending more on complicated CGI. In this sci fi horror film I felt little to no horror. Two black holes. This script was a blatant tool to get young hotties on the screen. It’s OK to have someone older than 25 on a screen once in a while. Sometimes their wisdom and experience can offset the brashness of the younger people, and by contrast actually make the young hotties even more hot (let’s just say I was feeling my age watching this, and a movie should not alienate (haw!) parts of the audience if they want to build any kind of loyalty). The one old guy died within 10 minutes of appearing, and in truth he was the most interesting character. One black hole. Remember all that lack of character development I was just bitching about? Well, the movie felt kind of short overall. I know I have been spoiled with good, long films lately but 89 minutes felt kind of short. Seems they could have padded it out with something more on the characters. One black hole. A few glaring plot holes. One black hole. I have kind of stopped bitching about poor 3D and the headache I get watching it, but a weird thing happened in this movie. It was filmed in Moscow, which should make for some cool visuals camera work. However, the 3D managed to make all that look like they filmed the whole thing on a sound stage with green screen and painted on backdrops. I don’t think it added much to the film, and in fact hurt it. One black hole. Total: nine black holes.
So a grand total of two black holes. Not nosebleed inducingly bad. You can enjoy it if you just want to see stuff get wrecked and can stomach a lot of cheese. Also, if you saw Skyline and Battle LA this year you might as well complete the mediocre alien invasion triumvirate. Personally I think there is a lot of other stuff out there that is better. The new Mission Impossible and Sherlock Holmes are both hard to not like. Date movie? Probably not. I don’t see any girl really being into this film unless she is a total geek. Pick your battles. This one is not worth the effort to drag her to the show.
Thanks for reading. Follow me on Twitter @NerdKungFu. Lots more movies coming out, so more to see soon. I have a busy schedule this weekend (Party!) but will try to squeeze in a couple more. Talk to you all soon.
Dave
The Adventures of Tintin in 3D Movie Review
Kind of boring as a film, but kind of interesting as a case study in schizophrenic movie making.
I hope everyone had a wonderful holiday. Any family get together where the assorted factions amoung my cousins don’t melt down like Chernobyl is a winner in my book. Plus my mom got me complete Star Trek TOS season 2, so count me happy.
Anyway, Tintin. I am in general a Spielberg fan. In fact, I just gave his filmography a look and, except for the first two Transformers movies I love pretty much everything he has ever done. This is not even a case of having done something long ago and riding that into the ground. He recently worked on Real Steel, Super 8, True Grit, and Falling Skies, all of which I have enjoyed immensely. Also, Tintin is based on a comic, which is usually win in my book. So, why then didn’t I love this movie?
Well, to be brutally honest, Tintin the character is kind of boring and two dimensional. I enjoyed Snowy the dog a lot more, and I hate animal characters. Tintin looks like young Howdy Doody got his wish and was transformed into a real little boy. The problem is he is then thrust against gritty, harsh, realistic guys and the disparity is jarring. His motivation to do anything at all is highly questionable. He shows no real emotion and I felt no real connection with his character, which more or less robbed the film of any tension when faced with a life threatening situation. I felt a better connection with Captain Haddock, and felt my pulse quicken a bit when he was involved in an epic sword duel with the baddy. Fortunately, just before my eyes were in serious danger of opening all the way Tintin swung in on a rope and robbed the situation of all tension, allowing me to return to my previously torpid state.
The other problem I had with this movie was I couldn’t figure out who this movie was made for. It seemed at first for kids. Swashbuckling adventure with a young boy and his dog, some really goofy comic relief characters, simplistic story, and no motivation whatsoever says children all over. They really went out of their way in the first half to maintain that PG rating. A guy gets riddled with bullets and is only injured. Another guy falls off a moving ship and gets caught up in some rigging. Bullets miss easy targets in a manner that would embarrass the A-Team producers. Then, all of a sudden we are faced with the brutal and horrific execution of a ships crew (tossed overboard into shark infested water) and the death of the first villain (run through with a sword and left to drown on a sinking ship). It was like they spliced two minutes of the Human Centipede into Winnie the Pooh. Also, the running joke throughout the movie was about a probably terminal case of alcoholism that Captain Haddock was suffering from. The previously child-simple story takes a turn for the extremely complicated. I still can’t decide who that movie was made for, and honestly that is a bad sign.
I can say one thing about who this movie is for, and that is clearly males. There is literally one female character in the entire film, and that is Tintins landlady who has about three lines total. Other than that it’s a total sausage fest. I’m not looking for eye candy in what may or may not be a children’s film (or, for that matter, a cartoon), but it seems foolish to not include any single character for 50% of the potential viewing audience to identify with. I actually find myself in a weird place on this point. On the one hand I despise movies that force characters into existing stories in order to broaden the appeal. On the other hand I really felt this movie would have benefited from a little more estrogen on screen. Take that for what you will.
Anyway, the movie. Tintin is a famous boy reporter who buys a model ship of the famous Deus Ex Machina, I mean the Unicorn. Some other characters offer him large sums of money for it, but he refuses based on his love of this model ship (I guess. His apartment shows no sign of any interest in anything model related, ship or otherwise. I guess he imprinted it (Twilight joke there, fans) Otherwise there is no reason shown that he wouldn’t have flogged it for a serious profit). Turns out there is 1/3 of a secret message from an old ship captain about a lost treasure. Tintin gets his ship stolen but has the message. He gets kidnapped by some merchant marines and then the adventure begins! He meets up with the chronically comedically drunk Captain Haddock (seriously, this guy puts away enough booze to kill my Irish grandfather) and they escape the ship in a life boat. The adventure follows a pretty standard Indiana Jones plot from there, if Indiana was an annoying kid and was also channeling Benjamin Franklin Gates from National Treasure. Repressed memories surface that in fact have nothing to do with actual finding of the treasure, only pad out the screen time. Stuff gets blown up. Tintin and Haddock engage in things that should have had them in jail for life. The story drives through the some gaping plot holes to arrive at a pretty pat ending.
I normally don’t do the stars/black holes things for kids movies, but the ambiguity behind the intended audience on this is allowing me some leeway on it. Stars first. Comic book movie. One star. The animation was really good. Overall really impressive visually. One star. Excellent motion capture, mainly by the great Andy Serkis (Ceaser from Planet of the Apes and Gollum from the Lord of the Rings). One star. A few exciting and/or humorous moments. One star. Snowy the dog was cool. One star. Total: four stars.
The black holes. Tintin as a character failed to interest me in the slightest. I couldn’t have cared if he if he fell off a cliff. One black hole. The pacing dragged at times like a front wheel drive car missing it’s rear axle. One black hole. The whole kids/adult movie question. One black hole. Failure to provide me the slightest hint of why Tintin was doing anything. One black hole. The story was so full of deus ex machina it was brushing it’s teeth with the stuff. One black hole. The ending included a less than subtle pitch for the inevitable sequel. One black hole. No female characters of any kind in a film that really felt the need. One black hole. Ultimately, a film that was sold as really exciting and fun that was actually pretty boring. One black hole. Total: eight black holes.
A grand total of four black holes. Pretty mediocre. I know, this movie has done amazing things in Europe and all my European friends will probably yell at me for it, but let’s face the fact: Europeans are weird (Normal People Worry Me image courtesy of the Funny T Shirt category). 
Tintin has been hugely successful as a comic book in Europe for years and never even approached the surface here in the US. Worth seeing? Not really. Not kiddy enough for your kids and not adult enough for an adult. Maybe if you are European or have a deep appreciation of bad European entertainment. On the other hand, this could actually work for the right girl as a date movie. She may well be impressed that you like something so Euro and pretend to like it herself in spite of being bored to tears. This may translate into her pretending to like you in spite of being bored to tears in an attempt to look like she has traveled farther than Bakersfield in her life. It’s worth a shot. Be sure to talk about all the subtle nuance on the screen and use the line “Americans always have a hard time appreciating the European aesthetic” at least once after the movie.
That’s it. There is a ton of new stuff out this week, so look for a new review tomorrow. Follow me on Twitter @NerdKungFu. Thanks for reading. Talk to you soon.
Dave
The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo Review
Not as depressing as I thought it would be.
This is a good lesson relearned about not listening to people about movies before going to see them. A lot of my friends have read the book, and told me horrific stories about how depressing and chock full of rape it was. To be honest, I was at times disgusted and horrified, but at other times really, really interested and intrigued. It was a good story with good direction that kept me hooked even when it did what I would call running off the rails in a lesser film.
I just did a little research and suddenly realized a major reason why I liked this movie. The director, David Fincher, also directed my all time favorite movie, Fight Club. He also directed Se7en, the Curious Case of Benjamin Button, and the Social Network, movies that I have avoided but now will have to seriously take a look at. If you are male and have not seen Fight Club then order one of those memory improvement courses to try to remember what your testicles look like. (Fight Club image courtesy of the Movie T Shirt category)
Anyway, this movie is a perfect example of what happens when you take a great book and make a movie of it without tweaking the story too much to suit your own needs or inflated ego. Daniel Craig (Casino Royale, Quantum of Solace, Layer Cake) plays Mikael Blomkvist, Swedish journalist who has just been disgraced by a libel case involving a rich businessman. His situation has caught the attention of another rich businessman, Henrick Vanger (Christopher Plummer-Up, a Beautiful Mind, the Sound of Music), who hires him to to investigate the disappearance and presumed murder of his granddaughter Harriot 40 years before. Prior to hiring Mikael Vanger had him investigated by Lisbeth Salander (Rooney Mara-the Social Network, Nightmare on Elm Street (2010), Youth in Revolt. Weird. She’s the daughter of the owner of the New York Giants. I should hate her for being born rich and then having an acting career, but I like her in this movie a lot), a troubled young girl who is extremely anti social but a brilliant technical investigator, who incidentally has a dragon tattoo.
I’m not going to get into the story too much, as this is a mystery movie and dropping even a hint of a spoiler would quality me for the third level of Hell. Lisbeth gets drawn into the investigation. There are about eight different subplots that not only don’t detract or fragment the main story, but actually greatly enhance it. There is one extremely brutal rape scene that I literally closed my eyes for parts of. I don’t need to see stuff like that. However, it was kind of integral so I won’t hit them too harshly on it. Otherwise, really interesting and intelligent investigation with a cool ending. The other strange thing is once the movie seems over, it keeps going for 2o minutes. Normally that drives me nuts, but it worked really well here. I guess it has to do with the fact that this movie is about the girl, not Daniel Craig really. Once you wrap your head around that fact you can let the run on story go.
The stars. Rooney Mara was unbelievable as the Girl. Two stars. Daniel Craig was good too. One star. In fact all the supporting cast was really good. One star. Great story that expanded as the story progressed. Two stars. Mystery films often times suffer from a lack of proper pacing (fast slow slow slow FAST done etc.) but this one was very well paced. Two stars. No attempt to dumb it down for idiots. One star. I don’t know what the deal is, but Lisbeth started the movie really unappealing, both physically and socially, but I was totally in love with her character by the end of it. One star for excellent character development. Some nice nudity not involving rape. One star. Overall great film, well worth watching. Two stars. Total: fourteen stars.
The black holes. Brutal rape scene, as well as a lot of other discussed and implied rape. It seemed like every woman in Sweden gets raped. Two black holes. A certain amount of frustration with some of the resolution by the end of the movie. One black hole. No one could settle on an accent to run with. Some had Swedish. Some had British. Some had American. Seemed a roll of the dice every time you found a new character. One black hole. Again, the movie is going to pay for my soft American brain, but during the investigation I found it hard to keep track of which suspect was doing what. There were a huge number of old photographs used and honestly I couldn’t tell one suspect from another in them. One black hole. Total: five black holes.
So a grand total of nine stars. This movie is pretty amazing. I think everyone should see it. It is good in the theater, but if you happen to miss it it will be almost as good on a large TV screen. Definitely not a good date movie, what with all the rape and everything. Also, while it is not as depressing as I thought it was going to be, it was definitely depressing. I am especially glad to have seen it as I know there are two more coming in the series. I am looking forward to them.
Thanks for reading. By the way, I saw the trailer for the Avengers and it looks pretty amazing. I hope I’m not being sucked in by good marketing. On the other hand, the rumors I keep hearing from the new Batman movie are giving me the chills. Please, Christopher Nolan, don’t choke on this one. Follow me on Twitter @NerdKungFu. Talk to you soon.
Dave
Mission Impossible Ghost Protocol Review
Impossible to not enjoy it.
Another Tuesday, another $5 movie. Thank you Regal. Yes, as much as I enjoy dumping all over main stream movies, I have to say I quite enjoyed this film. I think I can sum it up in three words: great chase scenes. Director Brad Bird (the Iron Giant, the Incredibles, Up, Ratattoule) has revealed a hidden talent for really amazing chase scenes that make most other chase scenes look like three-legged races. Furthermore, not only are they exciting and fun, but he manages to merge them into the story seamlessly. They don’t at all feel forced into the screenplay in an attempt to showcase his ego. Really well done.
Before any of you call to see if I contracted brain fever, yes there were issues with this movie and I will get into them shortly. Just overall a fun time.
Also, what is up with Tom Cruise? And for once I mean that question in a good way. I don’t know if it’s makeup, CGI, Just For Men, healthy living and exercise, or the magic power of the Church of Scientology, but he looks like he hasn’t aged a day in the last ten years. It’s bizarre.
Anyway, the movie. Tom Cruise (Minority Report, Top Gun, Jerry McGuire) reprises his role as Ethan Hunt, IMF super spy. He starts the movie with a really cool prison break scene where he and a disheveled guy bust out of a Russian gulag. He has been rescued by two other IMF agents, the great Simon Pegg 
(Paul, Hot Fuzz, Shaun of the Dead. Shaun image courtesy of the Zombie T Shirts catagory) and the hot Paula Patton (Precious, Deja Vu). Their mission is to break into the Kremlin and gather intel on some guy who literally wants to blow up the world (more on that later). Really cool high technology spy stuff happens. They get betrayed and the President has to enable the Ghost Protocol and disavow them entirely. The team is joined by disgraced agent Brandt (Jeremy Renner – the Hurt Locker, 28 Weeks Later) and have to save the world.
Literally. The bad guy (Michael Nyqvist – the Girl with the Dragon Tattoo, Abduction) wants to start a nuclear war. I don’t want to get too far into the story, as it is good and I expect you all to see it. Spy hijinks ensue. Stuff gets blown up, people get chased, cars get wrecked, there is a pretty cool cat fight (Paula Patton versus Lea Seydoux – Inglorious Bastards, Robin Hood, Midnight in Paris), and none of the action or technology suspended my disbelief so high that it hurt my brain. There is a serious vertigo scene, so if that affects you maybe go to the restroom at that moment. It won’t catch you by surprise.
The stars. Great chase scenes. One star. Overall good story, with a level of complexity normally missing from mainstream movies. They also managed to avoid the burning need to explain everything to the audience, which I appreciate. You could follow the story but you had to pay attention. Two stars. Simon Pegg. One star. The two women were hot. One star. Although it galls me like a hot poker you-know-where, Tom Cruise was pretty good. One star. Overall the action was really good, and they didn’t resort to the quick-cut fighting that bugs me. One star for hiring a fight choreographer. The movie delivered the rarest gift a jaded movie critic can receive: actual excitement. There were a few scenes where I was literally gripping my armrests. The vertigo scene in particular. Two stars. A PG-13 rating that felt appropriate and didn’t need to go up or down. One star. Pacing was awesome. It was 133 minutes that felt like an hour in a good way. One star. Two bonus stars for overall great movie experience. Total: thirteen stars.
The black holes. The most obvious, glaringly stupid one has to be the motivation for the villain. He plans to start a nuclear war because he thinks it would be fun or something. That’s it? There is no political or monetary motivation you could add in to make him more believable? Two black holes. This next one is kind of petty, but one of the things I have always enjoyed from the entire Mission Impossible franchise is the theme music. From the TV show I think it really brought the whole thing home, and added a lot of excitement to any of the shows or movies. In Ghost Protocol there is about a 20 second clip of a modified version of it and that’s it. It’s like they were under contract to use it and did so grudgingly. One black hole. There were a number of tangential plot devices that I felt could have either been expanded upon or dropped entirely. One black hole. In particular there was a seduction scene involving an Indian billionaire that I felt was completely worthless. One black hole for that. Total: five black holes.
In the irksome but not black hole worthy category, I have one. Before 9/11 whenever something catastrophically bad had to happen to an American city it was always New York. After 9/11 New York became sacrosanct and now whenever something has to suck on an apocalyptic scale it always seems to be San Francisco, the city I live 20 minutes from. San Francisco is about as far from the mainstream politics of America as a major city can get. Have movie makers never heard of Chicago, Detroit, Miami, or Los Angeles? Not that I wish ill on any of those cities, but when you really look at it’s value as a military or terror target San Francisco is kind of stupid. I guess it has a distinctive skyline and that’s what Hollywood is looking for.
Final total of eight stars, a great score. If you like fun and excitement see this movie. Do it in a theater as I honestly believe there are a few scenes that would lose significant impact if watched at home. Kind of weak as a date movie in my opinion, as Tom Cruise is still considered hot and a lot of women have been fantasizing about him for years. If you do take a date to see this be sure to talk about how crazy Tom Cruise is.
Thanks for reading. I am starting to work my my end of the year movie awards, and coming up with funny titles and categories like “The Who Brought This Guy Award” for the most unnecessary sequel of the year. Please offer suggestions and comments. I am always looking for input. Follow me on Twitter @NerdKungFu. Thanks again, and have a great Holiday.
Dave
Single, Lonely, and Miserable again this Christmas? Here are some things that help me deal with it.
Astute readers may have perceived that I have been really focused on the movie blogs and have kind of let the dating advice fall by the wayside. This is mainly due to the fact that I haven’t really had the time or money to date, and when I do I seem to fail horribly at it. Thus, I am having a hard time believing in myself enough to give qualified advice.
However, being single and miserable is something I am a Jedi Master at, so here are a few things that might help you get through yet another bleak Christmas of staring morosely at the mistletoe again.
1. Binge drinking. Yes, nothing helps you forget your loneliness and despondence like the the sweet kiss of alcohol poisoning. Go for the gusto this year. Blind, stinking drunk. New Years Eve is the obvious candidate for this, but let’s not forget that Christmas Eve party! Also, getting smash drunk at the local pub may actually help cure your loneliness, while injecting some new and exciting situations into your life. On the other hand, if you are of a melodramatic persuasion and want to make a poignant statement, drink alone on Xmas day in hopes that one of your happier friends will call you to wish a Merry Christmas and you can bum them out a little. (Drinking shirt image courtesy of the Cheap T Shirts category)
2. Video games. This is a old nerd fallback, but it works for a reason. Take some of your misery and frustration out on anonymous losers from around the world. In my mind the guy I just dropped a sticky bomb onto is always a happy, successful man on his way home to his loving wife and kids, only to get caught up in my murderous rampage. Of course, odds are anyone else playing video games on Xmas day is also a single nerd loser, but a man can dream.
3. Buy yourself stuff. Yes, it’s people, not things, that are important in life. However, if you don’t have people then a certain amount of satisfaction can be had from things. Try to find out how much your married coworker spent on his kids toys and spend that same amount on toys for yourself. Then, when you get back to work and he or she is groaning about their credit card bills you can whip out your brand new iPad 2 and show them how a player plays.
4. Create a Holiday card designed to make your married friends miserable. You know those jackasses who insist on sending you a picture of their entire lovely stupid family in front of their Christmas tree? Get a picture of yourself doing something super cool only a single person could do and send that out. Surfing in Bali. Skiing in Vail. Binge drinking in the local bar. Playing video games. Enjoying some new toys. Every married person may or may not be happy with their lovely family, but there is always a big part of them that misses the freedom to just bail out of town on a weekend and visit the Santa Cruz Mystery Spot. And if you didn’t take a fabulous vacation this year and are more the type to sit on your couch all weekend then get good at Photoshop.
5. Peruse some online dating sites. Yes, nothing says single miserable loser like someone sending notes to people on Plenty of Fish on Christmas day. However, remember that if someone else is also on POF to make that observation then that person is more or less in the same boat. Could it be you have found your soul mate? Also, if nothing else I have found just skimming through personals is nice way to kill time without really using your frontal lobe.
6. Try to milk the mistletoe cow. Get one of those hats that has a stick pointing out the front and some mistletoe hanging off it. Either that or go to a Christmas party with a sack full of the stuff and carpet the ceiling. Its got to work at some point, right?
7. Work. If you are going to be miserably anyway, why not use this time to your benefit? Add up all your receipts for the year. Clean your apartment. Get a head start on the next report you need to do for the boss. Add more shirts to your struggling t-shirt website. Then, when you get back to the office and everyone else is talking about how happy their dumb kids were with whatever junk they got, you can drop something super cool onto your boss’s desk and convince him or her that you are exactly the lifeless, dedicated loser he or she needs in charge of something.
8. Hang out with your other single friends. Misery loves company.
9. Try to guilt your married friends to set you up on blind dates. This sort of thing seems to hit home with your married friends harder now than ever before. They are perfectly content to watch you be a lone wolf during, say, April, but the prospect of a friend of theirs single in December galls them. The weird thing for me is something like 50% of adults are single these days, yet none of my paired friends seem to know any. How does that work, exactly?
10. Tell all your married friends that being married is a lifestyle, not a requirement. Yes, trying to convince people that they would be happier single will actually make you feel better about being single. It is a weird phenomenon.
11. Spend a day remembering all the miserable, bad relationships you’ve had in your life. Contrast is the secret to happiness. If you are starting to feel the single blues, just think back to the boyfriend who kept borrowing money from you while cheating, or the girlfriend who hit you in the head with a travel alarm clock. If you have never had a girlfriend or boyfriend then rent Fatal Attraction, Love Stinks, and Sid and Nancy. Also go back and read some of my dating advice posts.
12. Write a bitter, sarcastic blog about it.
That’s pretty much it for today. Thanks for reading. Movie tonight, so a review tomorrow. Follow me on Twitter @NerdKungFu. Talk to you all soon.
Dave
Young Adult Movie Review
There’s Something About Mary meets Leaving Las Vegas.
We were supposed to see Mission Impossible last night, but it sold out two hours before the showing. We then bought tickets for The Sitter, but thought about it and realized we’d rather drive bamboo slivers under our fingernails. We finally settle on Young Adult, and to be honest I kind of wish we’d seen the Sitter.
I don’t know. Was it bad? Not really. Was it funny? In parts, if macabre gallows humor dispensed by despicable people is your thing. So what’s my problem with it?
I guess I had two problems. SPOILER ALTER. First off, the main character, Mavis Gary (Charlize Therone – the Devil’s Advocate, Monster, Hancock, the Italian Job) doesn’t so much as describe a story arc as loop in a full circle. In other words, in a movie filled with personal realizations and sudden moments of clarity, she manages to end the movie in exactly the same place, after spending 90 of the 94 minutes moving towards a change in life. She starts the movie a stuck up, shallow, self centered, addicted, psychotic prom queen living a miserable life by herself in Minneapolis and more or less ends up there. As a guy with bitter memories of high school I have a certain fondness for the popular kids finally getting their comeuppance, but after a few awkward moments she kind of just keeps chugging along. The second issue is the lack of tone from the film. Half the time it is a dark comedy with clever, interesting people and the other half of the time it is a woman screaming a desperate cry for help that all the people around her manage to completely miss. One could say the humor was there to facilitate the dark story, but one could also say the darkness was to enhance the comedy. I couldn’t decide if I should be laughing or crying through most of it.
Anyway, the story. Mavis is a ghost writer for a young adult novel series that it is pretty obviously about herself in high school. She is miserable and alone, except for one night stands, and it is established early on that her life is circling the drain. She gets the announcement that her ex BF just had a baby and decides the sane thing to do is to go back to the small town she grew up in and stalk him away from his wife and child. Once in town she runs into one of the geeks she never talked to in high school, Matt (Patton Oswalt – Ratatouille, King of Queens, Magnolia), who was crippled in a hate crime in high school. She gets hammered and tells him her plan. He is the only voice of reason in this entire movie as he constantly tells her she is crazy and needs help. Stalking hijinks ensue. 
Her ex BF Buddy (Patrick Wilson – Watchmen, Hard Candy, Insidious. I know. I should have gotten a Nite Owl image, as he played Nite Owl. I just like Dr. Manhattan better. Image courtesy of the Movie T Shirt category) seems completely oblivious to her ham handed approaches and hangs out with her. Oblivious seems to be the word to describe most of the characters in this film, as his wife also seems to miss everything, as well as the parents, even when Mavis flat out says “I have a drinking problem” to their faces.
The stars. I will say Charlize Theron can play a bitch. One star. In fact, all the acting was good. One star. Dialog well written. One star. There were many humorous moments that, when taken out of the context of the movie message, were very funny. Two stars. They managed to capture the small Midwestern town extremely well. One star. And one more star for what is probably a decent movie going experience. Total: six stars.
The black holes. The whole lack of tone thing. One black hole. The story arc that went from nowhere to nowhere. One black hole. Every supporting characters incomprehensible motivations (why exactly would the wife invite the ex-GF to anything involving their family?) and inability to see a problem that is slapping them in the face. One black hole. The lack of consequences for Mavis’s pretty reprehensible behavior. One black hole. Total: four black holes.
Two stars total. You can always spot when I am conflicted on a movie when I don’t give a lot of stars or black holes. I don’t know. Decent movie? Yes. Will you feel good watching it? No. There is nothing in the end to really feel good about. Also either you were popular in high school and will hate what is happening to the popular girl or you were like me and will hate that she doesn’t pay for it. Probably a decent date movie, as none of the guys are over the top amazing and she will probably appreciate the main characters motivations more than you will. Nothing in here really requires a large screen, however, so just wait for NetFlix.
That’s it. It’s late and I played Warhammer all day, so I am beat. I am going to watch an episode of Breaking Bad and go to sleep. Follow me on Twitter @NerdKungFu. Thanks for reading. Talk to you soon.
Dave
