What is the deal with the Umbrella Corporation?
So I haven’t seen anything new recently and am really too busy to compose one of my lists (as hard as it may be for you to believe, I actually do some research on my stuff), but last night while working on an inventory I came across this Resident Evil t shirt for the Umbrella Corporation and it reminded me of a question that has plagued me ever since I finished RE2: what exactly is the business plan and profit model for the Umbrella Corp?
Think about it for a minute. Umbrella is a huge biotech firm. That means they have investors and a board of directors, as well as auditors and so on. Basically, people who make sure the company makes a profit. However, there doesn’t seem to be any kind of plan to make any kind of money here. As far as I can see, here is Umbrella’s plan:
Step 1: Create super virus that will kill most of the population of the planet and turn them into zombies.
Step 2: Kill all your own employees (this might actually be a cost savings maneuver, as you would save a fortune in unemployment and retirement payments. Still, seems a little extreme)
Step 3: Release T Virus into the world and kill most of the population. Then turn them into zombies so they can eat the survivors.
Step 4: (secret)
Step 5: Profit.
So, I run my own company and while I am kind of a small amateur I have learned one very important lesson: zombies rarely buy things and give you money for your goods. In fact, zombies are probably the worst customer demographic available. They don’t have jobs and their only disposable income is whatever change is rattling around in the pockets of the rags they are wearing. On the other hand, they have other use for money so theoretically could spend 100% of it on t shirts, but really even newborn babies are better customers as their parents will spend money on food and so on. So how does killing off most of the planet turn into money? What is the mysterious step 4?
So at some point there has to be a stockholder meeting or something. Do the directors actually report what’s going on? “We managed to turn 87% of the human population into zombies, so profits for this quarter are trending down. However, our uncontrollable super soldier program is progressing nicely so if we can find a country with enough survivors to form an army we should see a nice profit from that.”
On the same note, what is up with creating super soldiers with the intellect and attitude of a raging bull on meth? Is there some kind of plan to train Nemesis to not go berserk and kill everything in sight first time he is released, or is this some other aspect of the mysterious “death and destruction make profit” program? Maybe some kind of apocalyptic death cult is paying them to destroy the world. But then, even if they are paying you a ton of money, where are you going to go to spend it? Do you really want to spend a week on vacation at Zombie Disney World? Going to buy a palatial estate surrounded by the undead?
Anyway, these are the questions that keep me up at night. By the way, I would like to mention that I started off playing RE2 first and was kind of freaked out by it. Then I went back and played RE1. In spite of worse graphics that game scared the bejesus out of me. Story or sound effects, I guess. Ever notice that modern games, in spite of more amazing graphics and details, then to be just plain shorter in content? You could spend a week wandering around Raccoon City in RE2, but these days you only get a few hours at best. I guess all those incredibly detailed graphics take up a lot of memory. Either that or video game companies are trending towards the lazy.
By the way, those of you who are purist and want to yell at me for talking about a video game when for the last few months I have been purely on movies, let me remind you that Resident Evil is also a series of movies staring Milla Jovovich. Also, while I personally focused on movies and love them, this blog started off with nerd dating advice and is really about whatever catches my nerd interest. One of these days I am going to start a detailed discussion of army building and table tactics for Warhammer Fantasy Battle (something I know a lot about). No way will that cost me readers.
Anyway, thanks for reading. If you have any insight as to what Umbrella does for money be sure to post a comment here. Follow and message me on Twitter @NerdKungFu. Thanks again. I should see something tonight and write up a good review tomorrow. Talk to you soon.
Dave
The Descendants Movie Review
I will say to start that this movie title is causing my brain some confusion, as in my mind the Descendants will always be a punk rock band I still listen to a lot. Some of their songs include My Dad Sucks, Weinerschnitzel, Suburban Home, Kabuki Girl, and I Don’t Want to Grow Up. It’s hard to place them in what kind of punk rock they are exactly. Sort of if the Vandals and the Dead Milkmen married and had a baby that actually sang punk rock songs instead of songs about being punk rock. Hard core with a sense of gallows humor, I guess.
Anyway, the Descendants the movie. This is the latest George Clooney film. I am sort of a fan of George Clooney, mainly for Oh, Brother, Where Art Thou?, but honestly he will have to do about 10 more films of that quality to ever make up for 
starring in Batman and Robin (Batman and Robin image courtesy of the Batman T Shirt category). Yes, the Batnipple Batman. Looking over his filmography he seems to have no barometer for what a good script is. For every Oh, Brother or Confessions of a Dangerous Mind he has he seems to have a Spy Kids or Ocean’s Eleven (Twelve, Thirteen…). It’s like he has someone rank scripts by quality and then picks them with a metronome.
So I guess this could be considered one of his better films. It definitely features him coming to grips with stuff, and having emotions and all that. His acting is indeed excellent, as is the supporting cast. The dramatic scenes are gripping and real, yet there is a nice undertone of humor in the grief shown on screen.
It is the story of Mathew King, Hawaiian lawyer and head of a family trust that holds 25,000 of pristine Kauai real estate. His wife was just in a boating accident and lies in a coma in the hospital. He has to wrangle his two troubled daughters while dealing with her impending death (she has a living will) and the fact that she was cheating on him. Meanwhile, as the head of the trust he has to decide what to do with the huge property. He goes on a journey across the island letting relatives know what is going on while looking for answers as to who his wife was cheating with with his daughters (Shailene Woodley-the Secret Life of the American Teenager, An American Girl Adventure and Amara Miller-no other credits) and an annoying surfer kid named Sid (Nick Krause-How to Eat Fried Worms, Stoned Age) who tags along as the older girl’s friend (or boyfriend. Not really clear).
So there is a ton of good character development and fairly engrossing emotional scenes. Overall a decent film, but if I were to offer one major criticism (and, as any regular reader knows, I will) it’s that the film seems to lack focus. It is called the Descendants mainly because King and his fairly huge family are supposed to be direct descendants of King Kamehameha, and the main drama seems to want to revolve around the dispensation of the land the family holds, but that whole aspect of the film has to sit at the back of the bus. The obvious main focus is the coma and impending death of Kings wife and the mother of his daughters, but that seems to get shunted aside to make room for his quest to find her lover. Meanwhile, the subplot of dealing with the fact that his daughters are troubled and looking to end up arrested dries up and blows away. The search for her former lover drives the movie for a while, but then it turns out the lover is somehow involved into the whole giant real estate deal and we are back to the start of the film and the property deal. The whole plot feels kind of like what I would imagine life in Hawaii to be like: a day of wandering aimlessly around an extremely pleasant area while accomplishing not a whole lot. However, if we consider the plot as merely a vehicle for the emotional conveyance than I suppose it works.
The stars. Excellent acting all around, especially George Clooney. Furthermore, the writers worked the script to give him and his daughters more opportunity to display that acting. Two stars. The emotions really drew you in, and you progressed emotionally with the characters. Two stars. Hawaii was beautiful. One star. Instead of showing Hawaii as an amazing paradise for tourists, they showed it as a day to day working environment, with a Hawaiian twist that played well. One star. The humor that flavored the movie worked well. One star. There were a couple of really great scenes, like King running down the hill in his sandals and Sid getting punched out by the grandfather for being an ass. One star. None of the writing or screenplay was directed at the lowest level of American culture (i.e. no hot hula girls dancing or “getting lei’d” jokes). One star. Total: nine stars.
The black holes. The whole script lacking focus thing. One black hole. The movie didn’t so much as end as it ran out of steam and petered out. One black hole. While the acting was good and the emotions clearly delivered, none of the emotional scenes drew me in enough to really have a major impact. I was a little teary watching J Edgar and didn’t get hit once during this film. One black hole. Towards the end Clooney’s character takes a moral stand and makes a speech that seemed to have no foreshadowing whatsoever and more or less coalesced out of the ether. One black hole. This may be a personal issue, but given the current status of our economic and social times I find a film centered around a rich family figuring out the best dispensation of their hundreds of millions of dollars in property to be in really poor taste. One black hole. Total: five black holes.
So a total of four stars. Not bad, IMO, but not really worth rushing out to see. If you are a huge Clooney fan maybe, but otherwise just rent it. In spite of being filmed in one of the most beautiful places on Earth there is nothing on the screen that requires a huge theater. Decent for a date, I guess, as it has a lot of emotional stuff women respond to, but even at age 50 George Clooney will look about 100 times hotter than you ever will so you could potentially suffer in comparison. Especially since he is doing the hot single dad thing.
Thanks for reading. I might go see Arthur Christmas today, but have a lot going on right now. Things are ramping up at work so I might not have the time I did to do so many of these. If I don’t see it I will try to do a list I have been working on. Follow me on Twitter @NerdKungFu. Thanks again, and have a great day.
Dave
Hugo 3D Movie Review
Martin Scorsese throws a nod towards Steam Punk.
I find myself in a weird spot reviewing this movie. I mean, who am I to review the work of a true movie making genius like Martin Scorsese? He is responsible for so many of my favorite films, including Taxi Driver, Goodfellas, Shutter Island, and The Aviator. Of course, he has done a lot of stuff no one has ever heard of, including a ton of documentaries. However, for a movie amateur like myself to offer criticism feels like I am hanging around giving advice to a brain surgeon.
But then I remember that I have an obligation to deliver my unbiased and honest opinion to you, my beloved reader. Fortunately, Hugo is a decently fun movie, and even if I didn’t know Scorsese had directed it I would have enjoyed it. It was fun, well acted, extremely well directed, and overall a quality movie experience. Like pretty much 100% of the movies I nit pick apart it has a few items I can take issue with, but overall pretty cool. I think one of the things that really works for me on this film is it is so different from any of Martin Scorsese’s other films. It’s great to see a director head into something new.
It is the story of young Hugo (Asa Butterfield-the Boy in the Striped Pajamas, the Return of Nanny MacPhee), the son of a clockmaker who has been orphaned and now lives in a Paris train station, winding and maintaining the clocks. His only legacy of his father is a mysterious steam punk automaton that was rescued from a museum store room and is in need of repair (steam punk Sonic image courtesy of the Video Game T Shirts). He gets caught trying to steal parts from a grumpy toy shop owner named Papa George (the great Ben Kingsley-Sexy Beast, Ghandi, Shutter Island, Schindler’s List), who confiscates Hugo’s fathers notebook. He gets Hugo to work for him repairing windup toys to make up for the stolen goods. Meanwhile Hugo befriends George’s goddaughter Isabelle (played most excellently by Chloe Grace Moretz, the Hitgirl from Kick Ass. She was also the vampire from Let Me In. What a talented young actress. I am sure we will see some amazing things from her in the future), who is something of a bookworm and looking for adventure. She sees the potential with Hugo and together they work on the mystery of the mechanical man.
I don’t want to get too much into the story, as I don’t want to hand out any spoilers. Hugo is beset by the station inspector (Sasha Baron Cohen-Borat, Sweeney Todd, Bruno, Ali G) who adds an element of danger to the story. Papa George has a mysterious past that he wants to keep secret. Clocks get wound. Mysteries are solved.
The stars. All around quality film. Direction, story, and overall experience excellent. Two stars. The acting was awesome, although how could you expect any less from Ben Kingsley? Chloe was decent too, although occasionally she and Asa seemed to have forced the scenes. Two stars. The camera work and visual were really, really good. Two stars. The story overall was very immersive. You really felt like you were in the Montparnasse train station in the 30’s. One star. Steam punk-ish. One star. Based in part on a true story. One star. Total: nine stars.
Now, though it galls me to do this, I have to award the black holes. The biggest one is going to have to be the fact that 3D sucks. It really did nothing to in any way enhance this film, and it is obvious Martin Scorsese, being new to the 3D art form, was looking for and writing in extra visuals to better display the 3D effects. Unfortunately this really did nothing but aggravate the next two black holes I am about to give. One black hole. The movie, perhaps due to the extra visuals, seemed to really drag at points. The fun of watching Hugo wind his was through the massive gears and cogs of all the clocks in the station kind of loses it’s magic when we have to watch it a second and third time. Plot progression seemed really slow. One black hole. The movie, supposedly for kids, runs a whopping 127 minutes. I saw more than one family have to leave early after the kids got bored of watching gears spin, and even I had to take a bathroom break about 3/4 of the way through (the ocean tanker sized Diet Coke did not help). One black hole. Finally, while Sasha Baron Cohen was probably the best actor in the film, his role as the menacing station inspector was significantly compromised by his comedic bearing and delivery. It literally felt like Hugo was being chased by Inspector Clouseau, and it is tough to feel concern for anyone in that situation. The rest of the movie is actually really poignant and serious with whimsical element, but every time Sasha got on screen the slapstick-o-meter dipped deeply into the red. One black hole. Total: four black holes.
So a grand total of five stars. Not bad, but not awesome. Hugo is a fun, quality movie. But it in no way compares to Shutter Island or Goodfellas. Worth seeing? Yes. Worth seeing in a theater? Yes. Worth seeing twice in a theater? Probably not, unless you are into the 3D art form or the movie history portrayed. Good date movie? Sure, as long as your date is a visual person. Not my first choice.
Thanks for reading, and don’t hate me for not gushing all over this film. I really am a Scorsese fan. Just not his best film. Perhaps he was so distracted by the details of 3D he couldn’t apply as much focus as usual on the other aspects of the film. Short review, but that’s what usually happens when I enjoy the film. I will write up the Descendants tomorrow, and hopefully see something else then for Monday. Maybe Arthur Christmas. Follow me on Twitter @NerdKungFu. Talk to you soon.
Dave
The Muppets Movie Review
For once, my sense of nostalgia managed to beat down my sense of cynicism.
Odds are I should have seen Hugo, as that would have helped maintain my nerd credibility, but the fact is I used to watch the Muppets as a kid and loved it. If there is a puppet character on the planet greater than Gonzo the Great then I will eat one my my t-shirts. I loved almost all of them. Dr. Bunsen Honeydew, Beeker, Scooter, the Swedish Chef, Animal, Link Hogthrob, Lew Zealand (and his boomerang fish), Sam the Eagle, Statler and Waldorf; just listing them here puts a smile on my face. Ironically it was the main characters who annoyed me. Miss Piggy drove me berzerk, Fozzie the Bear I wanted to stuff into a microwave, and even Kermit the Frog bugged me. I liked him, but he was such a wimp sometimes it drove me nuts. Also, the romance between a hideous hog in a blond wig and makeup and a bug eyed frog kind of made me cringe.
However, the secondary characters always carried me through, and before you really get into this review understand that I will be writing it while viewing through rose colored nostalgia glasses. To be honest, I laughed my ass off throughout the film. For those of you who are regular readers and see this as completely divergent from my normal style rest assured that the next horrible script that comes across the screen I will jump on twice as hard for all the good things I say about this one.
Anyway, this movie starts off badly, actually, with the introduction of a new Muppet character named Walter, who is growing up in Smalltown USA with the two script anchors, his brother Gary (Jason Segel – How I Met Your Mother, 
Forgetting Sarah Marshal, Despicable Me. How I Met Your Mother image courtesy of the TV Show T Shirt category) and Gary’s girlfriend Mary (Amy Adams- Enchanted, the Fighter, Catch Me if You Can). Walter is a super Muppet fan, while Gary is is big brother who keeps more or less neglecting his girlfriend in order to help take care of his brother. They are taking a bus trip to LA to visit Muppet studios. At this point my early warning suckage alarm was blaring in my ear. However, while on the tour of the abandoned, decrepit, crumbling Muppet Studio Walter sneaks into Kermit’s old office and overhears a meeting between the great duo of Statler and Waldorf, in the process of selling the studio off to Tex Richman (Chris Cooper-American Beauty, the Bourne Identity, the Patriot) who plans to demolish the place and drill for oil. After finally giving the plot a kick start Walter tracks down Kermit and convinces him to reunite the whole gang to do a telethon to save the studio. At that point we go into a series of funny “where are they now” scenes the eventually morphs into a montage. I don’t want to give a lot away, but the one that made me laugh the hardest was seeing Scooter working at Google. Hilarious.
They managed to convince a TV executive (Super hot Rashida Jones-Parks and Recreation, the Social Network, I Love You, Man. She was looking a lot better than she did as a lesbian in Our Idiot Brother) to give them two hours to run their show. Muppet hijinks ensue. Jack Black (School of Rock, Tropic Thunder) gets kidnapped to be the celebrity host and managed to not annoy me. A ton of celebrity cameos surface to operate the telethon phones. Zach Galifianakis plays a local homeless man (not much of an acting stretch, although I like him a lot). The cameo list is really impressive, and it’s not just a bunch of washed up losers. Really cool.
The story progresses. The show has some great Muppet skits. I laughed a lot. The characters frequently break the fourth walls in really clever and funny ways. I left the theater smiling.
The stars. The Muppets. Two stars. Story, characters, and dialog mostly true to the original show. Three stars. A PG film that felt appropriate at PG. One star. A couple of scenes in particular, especially the Gonzo the Great recruitment scene and the Scooter thing, had me really laughing. One star. A few of the skits for the final show were worthy of the original show, just done with higher production values. One star. The celebrity cameos actually added a lot rather than slowing things down. One star. All puppets. No attempt to render in CGI or make them cartoons, live action cartoons, or anything in between (that would have ruined this film on about 14 levels. Suck it, Alvin and the Chipmunks). One star. Overall, super fun. Two stars. Total: twelve stars.
Now the black holes. I will admit that there were issues with this film that I would have pushed a lesser film off a subway platform for, but my enjoyment of the movie has helped me do a mental wash over most of them. I will focus on the really glaring ones. The biggest flaw this movie suffers from is the same one that plagues all of the Transformers movies: too much of humans, not enough of Muppets (or, in the case of Transformers, robots). If you recall the show the humans were always at most ancillary characters who mostly there just to highlight how cool the Muppets were (IMO), and there was never more than one. Here, there are entire scenes and horrible song and dance numbers featuring only humans. Two black holes. Introducing a new Muppet as the protagonist who is really kind of bland and boring, with nothing notably about him at all. This is what happens when you don’t have Jim Henson involved. One black hole. That’s it. Three black holes.
So a grand total of nine black holes, and my hearty endorsement. Go see this film. Take your kids. They will love it. If you grew up in the 80’s this will rock for you, and the humor is sophisticated enough to keep an adult entertained. Good date movie? Absolutely. If your date isn’t laughing, feeling good, and having her inhibitions lowered by this film leave her at the theater as odds are she is really a serial killer looking to gut and make a new skin suit out of you as soon as you get alone.
Thanks for reading. I will probably see Hugo tonight at the Grand Lake Cinema and write it up tomorrow. I also saw the Descendants and have some funny thoughts about that film, but I there is so much good stuff out right now I think I will save it for Sunday. Follow me on Twitter @NerdKungFu. Thanks again. Talk to you all later.
Dave
Farewell, Anne McCaffrey
Anne McCaffrey holds a weird place in my heart. She was not my favorite, as I tend to go more of harder military sci fi and her stuff felt very soft, even feminine, to me. However, this is a result of her intention rather than any failing in her writing. I like to think that she saw the universe as a place where strife existed but peace and love could as well.
The reason she is special to me is that she was instrumental in my developing a love of science fiction through an act of kindness. As a kid we were very poor (food stamp poor) and the only books I could get were the $.10 paperbacks from the local thrift store. This unfortunately meant that reading a series was nigh impossible, as I would find the third and fifth in a series, but never the first and second and never in any kind of order. I had not read much science fiction when I had the fortune to come across a copy of the Dragonriders of Pern, first in the Dragonrider series. I read it and it was kind of mind blowing for my youthful brain. Telepathic dragons who get ridden by guys and fight space worms? The ability to bond with a friend for life who would love you unconditionally? All on an alien planet far from the PTSD inducing life that was my home and school world? Sign me up please!
The problem, as aforementioned, was that it would be many a moon before I saw another in the series. However, one of my mom’s friends was over visiting and notice me reading my copy for like the fifth time. She went home and a week later stopped by with the entire series to date, laid out in order. Seems she was a fan. It was wonderful. I consumed the entire series in about two weeks and proceeded re reread the series for most of the rest of the year. At that point I started saving up whatever money I could get (mostly from collecting aluminum cans like a homeless person, although this was before it became popular with the homeless. However, as a result I have experience as a dumpster diver) and buying sci fi novels instead of candy or junk. I always kept an eye out for McCaffrey novels. I read the Ship that Sang, an anthology Anne edited, and was introduced to several other authors. I read the Crystal Singer series and was introduced to the concept of of hot women in space singing for crystals (the cover art was pretty good on that one. Hey, it was the early ’80s).
By that time my love of reading and science fiction was firmly entrenched in my mind and continues to this day. Over time my taste shifted over towards more military stuff, as well as stories with more tragic characters or endings (ever read Iann Banks?). I remember in 6th grade we had an assignment to read 300 pages of a novel (our parents would sign off for each book we finished) in a single semester. I found that laughable and set a personal goal of 10,000 pages, which I achieved (and cemented my place as a loser nerd with my classmates. Maybe I should have set a goal of learning to throw a football). Reading has been my friend for my entire life and a big part of that I lay thankfully at the feet of Anne McCaffrey.
I was extremely saddened to learn of her death yesterday, and hope her legacy carries through and inspires other young people to love reading. I also hope that if they make a movie out of her books they follow the pattern set by the Lord of the Rings trilogy rather than Green Lantern pattern. There have been some very well done movies made from novels lately, and I hope the same movie makers are the ones to get a hold of the Dragonriders. Anne McCaffrey’s legacy deserves the best.
(Lord of the Fail image courtesy of the Funny T Shirt category)
Thanks for reading. I might go see a movie on Thanksgiving (cough cough no life cough cough), so I should have something to write about this weekend. Follow me on Twitter @NerdKungFu. Thanks again, and talk to you all later.
Dave
The Twilight Saga Breaking Dawn Part 1 Movie Review
Bare chestapalooza.
Yes, I saw it last night and yes, I felt my testosterone level drop as the title credits rolled across the screen. I was with a friend who loves Twilight (and who probably hates me now for the snide comments I was making throughout the film) and a bunch of other women and browbeaten boyfriends.
I am probably going to throw a few spoilers out here, so if you are for some freakish reason a fan who is going to see the film but haven’t read the books (illiterate, maybe? I can’t figure out any other reason. But then, what are you doing here?) maybe skip to the conclusion. Something I heard a couple years ago that is the author of the books, Stephanie Meyer, is an uber Mormon (magic underwear?) who not only hates the idea of premarital sex but sex in general. I know this sounds weird in a story that seems to capitalize on hot, young hairless guys who lack enough money to buy shirts, but when you think about it the main protagonist, Bella, remains a virgin until she gets married (at age 18) where on her wedding night has painful, bodily injuring sex exactly once and gets into the most horribly painful unwanted pregnancy since Eraserhead. Talk about punishment. When you think about it, seems like a certain morality agenda is being forced down the throats of young women worldwide, with some serious damage being done to women’s liberation along the way (Bella is, in almost all circumstances, the passive vessel for all of the what can laughingly be called masculinity on the screen).
Anyway, is the movie good or bad? Depends on your perspective. If you are a fan I’m sure you can enjoy it. If you are more like me and really only hold a passing interest in the cultural phenomenon generated by the series than it kind of seems sluggish and pointless, with a lot of really mediocre acting and dialog. I think the best way to describe this film is with the word “filled”, as in it is full of filler. You see, as far as I can tell the book Breaking Dawn was not really significantly longer than any of the others, yet somehow the studio has decided they need to make it into a four hour epic (Part 1 was 117 minutes). Every scene seems horribly stretched and elongated to no purpose, with a ton of flashbacks to scenes lifted from 15 minutes earlier. It’s like if you were making an energy bar and wanted to increase the size and weight by throwing in handfuls of sawdust into the mix. I spent the first 45 minutes praying for ANYTHING to happen (and by anything I mean I would have been happy if the Earth had fallen into the sun). Stretching a 2 hour movie into two parts is a way of doubling your revenue, but it really doesn’t add anything to the experience and, honestly, if it works here will set an ugly precedent for future sequels.
Anyway, the movie starts off with Jacob (Taylor Lautner-all the Twilight films plus the horrible Abduction (check out the review I did for that dog)) ripping off his shirt (surprise, surprise. Yes, ladies, he has his shirt off within five seconds of the opening credits ending) and running off into the woods as a wolf, dropping his invitation to Bella and Edwards wedding (Kristin Stewart-wow. She’s got nothing really besides the Twilight series. I guess bland doesn’t translate well to films designed to appeal to groups besides teenage girls. Edward is of course Robert Pattinson, whom I blasted in my review for Water for Elephants. Looks like his new emotion chip failed again). A bunch of other people whom I am sure would be important to me had I seen more than one of the other Twilight films get invitations too. We get subjected to more of the same chemistry-less romance between Bella and Edward and Edward runs off to his bachelor party that we don’t get to see (what to vampire bachelors who don’t actually drink human blood do at a bachelor party? Sounds like a quiet evening at the library to me). The wedding scene seemed to go on for 83,000 years and was overall kind of awkward and painful. Then a flight to Brazil and a romantic beach bungalow (what do these vampires do for money, anyway? None of them seem to have a job, unless being overly good looking pays) where the two of them have sex exactly once and spend the rest of the honeymoon playing chess (no joke. I wish I was joking). Edward is afraid he will hurt Bella because he bruised her or something during that first night.
Bella gets painfully pregnant and starts showing within a couple weeks (isn’t part of being a vampire that your cells are effectively dead, or perhaps crystallized? How, then, can vampire sperm cells fertilize an ovum? And what aspect of that union means the fetus will develop in a month?). They fly back to their estate in Washington (home of Starbucks. I’m not saying that Starbucks is run by vampires, but the evidence is stacking up) where the other main vampire/robot Carlisle (Peter Facinelli, another guy who has nothing else going on, unless playing Zan from the Wonder Twins in a film short counts for something. Everything else is garbage) announces that the fetus, who for some reason has put a lead shield or something around the womb preventing xray or ultrasound (???) from showing it, will probably kill Bella. She refuses to have the child aborted and has to drink human blood, in spite of still being human. Meanwhile, the werewolves come to the conclusion that the baby will be a monster and threat to them for reasons they opted to not really share with the audience. Once again we are treated (subjected) to vampire on werewolf action where no one of any significance dies. Vampire havoc ensues. You are finally given some action, although it is short lived and ultimately kind of pointless.
Before I get into the stars and black holes, I have a few questions I want to ask of any Twilight fans out there. First of all, if you are a vampire and your plush vampire house is surrounded by werewolves who significantly outnumber you, wouldn’t you look for some kind of equalizer? And by that I mean guns. Is there some rule that vampires can’t use guns at all? They seem to have unlimited money. A couple of SPAS 12’s would have put a hurt on the wolves as they came bounding towards you. For that matter, if you have the resources just mount an M2 .50 cal on the roof and surround your house with Claymores. That would put paid to the wolves pretty quick, and it’s not like local law enforcement has any interest in what goes on in the woods.
The second question is when did the Twilight series turn into a Saga? Crowbarring that into the title really bugged me, like adding Part 2 to the Hangover. Saga is a Norse term for an epic tale. Sorry, but there is nothing epic about watching Bella and Edward having “romantic” scenes with all the natural chemistry of a sugar cube being dissolved in water while Jacob skulks around outside.
Thirdly, what ever happened to the vampires sparkling in daylight? This is actually a point that grinds me like nothing else about this series, but if you are going to make it a point of the film please try to maintain it. Don’t just drop it (Sparkly vampire image courtesy of the Horror Movie T Shirt category).
Fourth, what the hell was the deal with those creepy looking vamps and the hot girl during the credits? I know those guys are the bosses from Italy, but what exactly was up with the girl? She didn’t seem to do anything wrong. Also, one thing I kind of liked about Twilight (there are words that I thought I would never type) is they managed to stay away from the Emo vampires, and then at the end there they are. Is there a minimum Emo requirement for any vampire movie?
Fifth, they seem to make sure you see Jacob and the rest of the werewolves rip out of their clothes every time they transform in an attempt to help show how wild and savage they are, but where do they get clothes for their next human scene? The wolves surrounding the house clearly left their territory in wolf form, but when they need to talk all of a sudden it’s like they found a lost truck full of Abercrombie and Fitch merchandise. Do they have secret caches of clothing hidden all over the place? Does the magic that transforms them back to human give them clothes again? I could actually buy that, as it was a premise in a Harry Dresden novel, but why then show the clothes ripping off? Muscle shirts a go go. For that matter, what do the werewolves do for a living as well? Their wardrobe budget would bankrupt a small European country.
Anyway, I could go on, but better get to the stars. I don’t know if this is a accurate assessment, as my liking his acting is only in comparison to the sub mediocre acting from everyone else, but I kind of liked Taylor Lautner’s performance. At least he showed emotion once in a while. One star. The flash back to the 30’s when Edward was killing humans was kind of cool, I guess. One star. I can’t think of anything specific, but will award two stars for not sucking as bad as I thought it was going to suck. Total: four stars.
The black holes. The plot had more holes than a golf course. One black hole. Horrible, deadpan, emotionless, drab acting from almost everyone. One black hole. Long, boring scenes that accomplished nothing. One black hole. Stretching one two hour film into 2 two hour films in a blatant attempt to take advantage of your gullible fans. One black hole. Filler added by recycling scenes from earlier in the movie just to run out the clock. One black hole. A decided lack of motivation on the part of the werewolves. A little more thought and/or expository dialog would have been appreciated. One black hole. The writer seemed to pull the ending from so deep in her ass that she must have bumped her tonsils on the way out. One second you are gearing up for the final, epic battle where someone might have actually been in mortal danger, and the next everyone goes home and orders pizza. One black hole. Robert Pattinson’s eyebrows. One black hole (petty, I know. But still. They are almost hypnotic in how they draw your eyes). Deus Ex Machina set to full power. One black hole. Thinly disguised religious morality message. One black hole. Total: ten black holes.
So a grand total of six black holes. Honestly, before you hate spam me I could have been a lot harsher. On a bad day each of those questions I asked earlier would have been another black hole. And again, if you are a fan I am sure you will find the love for this film. Just do your suffering boyfriend a favor and go with your girlfriends. Date movie? Maybe. I think a lot of girls might look at you weird if you expressed an interest in seeing this. Not the most macho choice you could make.
Thanks for reading this particularly long review. Feel free to post comments here, and as long as you don’t cuss I will approve them and try to respond. Follow me on Twitter @NerdKungFu. More coming up soon. Cheap movie night so I should be able to see something. Talk to you soon.
Dave
How the government can help with unemployment and possibly fix the economy.
So something came up and I didn’t see a movie last night. I don’t really have anything on deck right now, and thought I might share some thoughts I have had recently regarding our current economic situation.
I normally don’t get political, but like most Americans have been worried about what we are doing with our economy and do believe that if you don’t do what you can to fix a situation than you deserve the results. I am also not any kind of expert in economics or politics, but I work alone, and therefore have a lot of time to think. I have come up with a plan that I believe has the duel benefit of helping people in our struggling economy and helping companies as well, thus resulting in an idea that should appeal to both sides of the political water, if for different reasons. (Ben Franklin image courtesy of the Political T Shirt category).
The problem we have had with the stimulus money is that (obviously) it went to people who don’t actually stimulate anything. Banks are not exactly lining up on my site to buy t-shirts, and as they keep sending jobs overseas it really doesn’t do much at all. Sure, some decent construction jobs were handed out, but the problem is those are all temporary situations. Eventually the bridge will get finished and all those guys will be out of work again.
What we need is stimulus into jobs where Americans actually manufacture stuff and then that stuff gets sold to other Americans. Sure, we tried that with cars by bailing out some incompetent care manufacturers, but no one I know is looking to buy a new car. The jobs we need are the ones that make all the little widgets that are current being mass produced overseas, mostly in China. Electronics, consumer goods, novelty items; you name it, our country used to make it and the companies making them made a profit. Why don’t we still do these sorts of things? Well, the obvious answers are corporate greed in an increasingly competitive market. However, the underlying reason is cost of labor. Americans just cost too much to hire and pay. As a country our workforce has priced themselves out of the job market and are therefore now unemployed.
So what is the answer? Glad you asked. What I would do if I were president and Congress (or had some kind of mind control device) is I would create a program called the General Labor Pool. Similar in theory to the labor programs started by President Roosevelt during the other Depression, the difference would be that anyone on unemployment insurance would actually be enrolled in this program and be required to report for work for however many hours a week was deemed appropriate. Not a full 40, as this would allow them time to look for work. But instead of sweeping up public buildings and the like, the people in the General Labor Pool would be hired out to private companies at significant labor discounts.
You see, instead of paying the unemployment insurance to the individual people, the money would be sent to any company hiring them to offset the cost of their wages. This idea has many benefits.
1. The companies participating would get a ready pool of employees at rates that would make it economically feasible to manufacture (or phone support, etc) here in the US rather than overseas. Furthermore, as labor is usually the number one cost to most companies this would give them the ability and incentive to actually grow and hire even more (previously unemployed) people.
2. The formally unemployed people would actually be making more money than they would be while unemployed, allowing them to buy things like shoes and clothes, thus supporting floundering retail business in local communities, and thus allowing those retailers to hire more people and place orders for more goods, hopefully manufactured by other recently rehired Americans.
3. People would be working, and not sitting around getting depressed and watching TV.
4. Since we are paying unemployment insurance anyway, it really doesn’t cost us anything. It’s more like a job placement fee.
Once the unemployment runs out there might have to be some kind of other incentive to keep people employed. However, if the company let go of the people every three months and hired more people from the same company, would that be so bad? Working for three months is not a bad deal, and odds are there will be another company looking to hire that same person through the same program.
Look, I’m probably some kind of idiot and there are probably 100 reasons why this plan won’t work, but to be honest I don’t really see any of them. It all seems pretty obvious to me. It helps the working person, so Democrats should be happy. It helps companies, so Republicans should be happy. If you can think of a reason why it wouldn’t work feel free to post a reply here. If you can think of a reason it would work do the same, and maybe write your Congressman.
Thanks for reading my plan. I promise tomorrow I will be back on the humorous movie reviews, with a full frontal charge at the newest Twilight movie. Follow me on Twitter @NerdKungFu. Talk to you soon.
Dave
J Edgar Movie Review
Do you like brooding? Than this is the movie for you.
I am a fan of Clint Eastwood movies. I think he is a talented movie director who gets the most out of his actors, whom he has cast with expert precision. That being said, I don’t think J Edgar was his best effort.
To be sure, it is entertaining, and Leonardo DiCaprio (Inception, Titanic. Titanic image courtesy of the Funny T Shirt category) delivers a stellar performance, with excellent dialog, supporting cast, and visuals that transport you back to the periods in question. The problem is I felt I was watching two different movies at the same time. The first one was a History Channel documentary about the creation of the FBI with no real connection from period event to period event. The second was a character study of a miserably closeted megalomaniac who let his obsession with Communists rule his life. The movie started out more documentary and in time shifted more towards the character study, but finished up floundering around looking for an ending more tangible than “and then he died and was dead happily ever after.”
This was not a feel good movie in any way. For the most part all the main characters are miserable throughout the film, especially Hoover, and the documentary of the FBI makes a lot of American history look dark, and even manages to cast aspersion onto some of the great triumphs of the FBI. I actually applaud this dedication to the art of movie making, rather than the art of creating worthless pap for the mindless consumption of the American population. However, know going in that you will likely not come out feeling any better when the credits roll.
The story is, of course, the history of the FBI as told from the perspective of the founder, J Edgar Hoover. It goes through founding as a branch of the Department of Justice and highlights some of the more infamous cases, particularly the Lindbergh baby. It details how Hoover got the Bureau started, and each step of the steady increase of power they enjoyed. During the course of the movie we see details of his paranoia regarding Communists, his need for acknowledgement and adulation, and most significantly his lifelong suppression of his true sexuality. This was most strongly manifested with his relationship with his best friend Clyde Tolson (Arnie Hammer-the Social Network) who was also deep in the closet. It is also reflected in his relationship with his spinster assistant Helen Gandy (Naomi Watts-King Kong, the Ring, Mulholland Drive) and his controlling mother (Judi Dench-Quantum of Solace, Casino Royale).
Don’t get me wrong. This movie was good in many ways, and an order of magnitude better than most these days. The problem is the fact that it views like reading someones diary. Each chapter is almost a complete story in and of itself, with the overriding theme being repressed homosexuality. That self imposed repression turns into the worst part about this movie, as you sit there willing any person on screen to do anything at all to make themselves happy. It tends to make the movie very frustrating to watch.
The stars. The acting from everyone, especially Leonardo DiCaprio, was excellent. Three stars. Good dialog with effective direction and filming. One star. Very much in period. You really feel like you are in the 30’s, especially when Hoover takes over the smoking lounge for his crime lab and one of the evicted agents asks “Where shall we smoke?”. One star. No attempt was made to “happy up” the ending in order to suit the tastes of the unwashed masses. One star. The story was a very interesting piece of American history. One star. A detailed character study and illustration of the stress and frustration of not accepting your own sexuality. One star. Total: eight stars.
The black holes. Frustrating. One black hole. The whole documentary style story telling thing. One black hole. The ending felt horribly unresolved and incomplete. In spite of going 137 minutes the film felt about 15 minutes short. One black hole. There were a few points where the pacing seemed to drag on. A heavier hand on the editing might have been called for. One black hole. Total: four black holes.
So a total of four stars. Not bad, but it could have been a lot better. I was actually expecting more from a Clint Eastwood film. It’s no Gran Torino. However, worth watching. I don’t know how it would do as a date film, unless you are gay, in which case you and your partner will probably leave the film with an overwhelming sense of gratitude that you are out. If you are a fan of 20th century American history I think you might well enjoy it. Worth seeing, but maybe wait for video.
After watching the upper crust of film making I think I need to lower my brain down, and will therefore see A Very Harold & Kumar 3D Christmas this afternoon. Look for that review tomorrow. Thanks for reading. Follow me on Twitter @NerdKungFu. Talk to you later.
Dave
Jack and Jill Movie Review
So bad it could be considered a crime against humanity.
I know I went off on a huge “What happened to Adam Sandler’s career?” diatribe when I wrote my review for the Zookeeper, but really, what happened to Adam Sandler’s career? How did he go from the Waterboy, Billy Madison, Happy Gilmore, and even serious comedies like Punch Drunk Love to playing, not a cop pretending to be a woman but an actual woman, and himself in a non funny piece of tripe laced with toxic humor that would embarrass a third grader? Is this what happens when comedians sell out? Is this what happened to Jay Leno? All great comedy is laced with tragedy, so maybe the comfort, success and wealth he has enjoyed has permanently damaged his ability to perceive funny. Either that or he fell off a ladder onto his head and this is what serious brain damage looks like.
I will say I did derive a certain amount of satisfaction from the fact that I totally expected it to suck, but based on the trailers any idiot could see that coming. That’s like seeing your dentist pull out the extra big drill and saying “this is going to suck”. However, even I was surprised at how deep the suckage delved. Odds are during the last year and a half of doing these review I have probably overused the phrase “praying for a merciful death”, but during this movie I was really hoping for the sweet kiss of oblivion, or at least a nice restful coma.
What’s really sad is it not that it’s totally bad, but that it’s not totally bad. By that I mean if it was just so bad it was actually comical I could sit back and enjoy how bad it was, like Killer Klowns from Outer Space (Klowns image courtesy of the horror movie t shirt category). No, instead we get ghostly images of a decent film. Kind of like seeing a good foundation in a house that is rotting apart and build on a toxic waste dump. There are a few funny moments (mostly involving any of the secondary characters). Al Pacino (more on his participation in the bomb later) was entertaining. The kids were cute and the adopted Indian one was amusing (Elodie Tougne and Rohan Chand. I hope the fact that this movie was each their first role doesn’t relegate them both to reality TV hell). Katie Holmes player her typical bland, no personality supporting wife but does it well and is easy on the eyes. There were a couple other sub plots and minor characters that had potential. But these elements are like small pockets of air you suck on while trapped under the ice, desperately looking for the ice hole.
The thing (literally) that dominated every moment of the film and you dread seeing throughout it is Sandler’s female character, Jill. She is gross, shrill, whiny, repulsive, and in all ways so fake looking and sounding that she sucks whatever talent or decent dialog is flying around the screen into a black hole that nothing returns from. I liken her character to a parasitic worm that bores its way into your head through your ear hole and spends 91 minutes eating tunnels through your brain, stimulated the occasional pain center or muscle spasm while steadily diminishing your intellectual capacity.
Let me make sure I have explained the character of Jill accurately enough. It’s like if a once talented comedian created an otherwise inoffensive romantic comedy and then, at the last minute, made one of the main characters a walking turd monster. Not a cute one like Mr. Hanky, but an actual, human sized creature made of excrement with arms, legs, and a mouth, and then had everyone else act like it did not look, smell, or feel like crap. Then he gave it a voice that made fingernails on a chalkboard sound like the sound of gentle rain and dialog that made you wish you never learned to understand English, or any other language for that matter. That is the character of Jill.
The weird question that kept rattling through my worm infested brain, however, was not what happened to Adam Sandler, or how any studio was dumb enough to green light this thing, or why there were two other people in the theater with me, but rather what kind of blackmail material must Adam Sandler have on Al Pacino to get him to agree to do this travesty? I mean, is Al that desperate to get on screen? Does he have a secret yearning to do comedy? Aren’t there 1,000,000,000 better scripts he could possibly work with? It’s one thing for an actor to take a role that make him look kind of like a twit. It’s another thing to take a role that kind of makes him look like a twit and give him a romantic interest that no human, man or woman, gay, straight, or anywhere in between, would ever have an interest in. Then, it’s an even bigger thing to take that twit role with the horrid love interest and play it AS HIMSELF! Yes, Al Pacino does not play a weird guy with issues and an interest in a drag queen that makes Divine look feminine. No, he plays Al Pacino with serious issues and an interest in Adam Sandler in a dress. I don’t think there is enough money in the world to make this worth his while. I am a lot less expensive to hire than Al Pacino, but there would have to be a lot of money in it for me to do something like tattoo “loser” across my forehead, which is what I see this role as doing for Al.
So, the movie. Jack and Jill are twins. Jill is everything I just described, plus a nice side helping of serious codependency issues. Jack is an obnoxiously rich and successful (again? Really?) owner of an ad agency that needs Al Pacino to whore himself out for Dunken Donuts. Jill is coming to town for Thanksgiving. She shows up, makes things uncomfortable for everyone (especially the audience), and leaves a Godzilla like path of destruction behind her. Jack and Jill (just putting those words together makes me want to forget that I ever went to kindergarten) have a fight, and in order to make it up to her Jack brings her to a Laker game that he knows Al Pacino is going to be at. Al blows him off, but meets Jill and falls head over heels in love with her. I really don’t want to get to much into the story, as it is giving me a series case of PTSD, but chaos ensues, lessons are learned, and endings are trite and happy.
The stars. Al Pacino was entertaining at times, especially when he was bitching out Jack on the phone. One star. That Indian kid was cute and responsible for most of the laughs. One star. That’s it. Two stars.
The black holes. Adam Sandler has created arguable the worst comedic character ever. Three black holes. I want to give a black hole for every time I wished I was in another theater or possibly another planet with no breathable atmosphere, but I didn’t keep track so I will cut it back to four black holes. Excrement and fart humor. One black hole. A comedy with nothing in it actually funny. Two black holes. Gratuitous product placement. One black hole. Some of the scenes that were supposed to be some kind of development really dragged on for no reason (the theater scene in particular). One black hole. A bunch of semi-cool minor characters and sub plots that disappeared after a couple scenes. One black hole. Miserable dialog. It seems the writers don’t know how to write anything that isn’t whining. One black hole. And finally, two more black holes for taking a five minute Saturday Night Live skit and stretching it into 91 minutes.
So a grand total of 14 black holes. I’m not even going try to be funny here. Please don’t see this film. The only way we can stop the deluge of of crap pouring out of Hollywood is to not support it in any way. This movie has to fail miserable, or we will see sequels and copies until our brains shrivel up and look like giant raisins. Now, if we could only get the foreign markets to stop supporting this drivel we might be able to make a difference.
By the way, for the record Rotten Tomatoes gave this dog a score of 4.7%. I didn’t think a movie could get so low. I thought it was more like the SATs where you get 400 points just for showing up.
Anyway, thanks for reading and sharing my pain. Follow me on Twitter @NerdKungFu. I’m starting to thing about what I am going to do after the New Year. I want to do some kind of award series for best and worst movie, best gratuitous nude scene, worst action sequence, etc. I need a name for my award, like the Nerdy’s or something. If you have a suggestion post it here or Tweet me. I’m also taking suggestions for humorous award categories. Also, if any of you have a clue how I can start seeing movies before they come out legally (i.e. any studio people reading this and want to have me review your film etc) feel free to post, although after this review I don’t know if any studio will ever want me to see one of their films. I have given good scores too. I liked Tower Heist. I swear!
Dave
Movie Review: The Immortals 3D
This movie was actually shot in 3B. 3 beers and it looks pretty good.
Thank you Doug and Bob Mackenzie. So I haven’t done a lot of reviews lately mainly because I was broke all last week. On a completely unrelated note does anyone know how an amateur movie review can get free screenings from the studios or theaters? If you happen to have a clue let me know. However, yesterday was pay day and I celebrated by seeing the Immortals 3D, another Greek epic staring shirtless, chest hairless pretty boys and Mickey Roarke.
I can honestly say I wasn’t disappointed, mainly because I kind of expected it to suck. Yes, I know it was produced by Mark Canton, the producer of the 300, but he also produced Red Planet, Piranha 3D, and Jack Frost. Honestly, 300 is the only credit worth anything, and I didn’t see any other guys crossing over, so assuming lightning is going to strike twice for the same guy (without Frank Miller, by the way) is kind of like assuming you can remake the amazing tasting margarita you had last week when all you have is the ice. The trailers made it look more like another Percy Jackson and the Lightning Thief than the 300, which it more or less was. The lack of an amazing, Frank Miller-esque story kind of turned all the rated R action into more of a joke than anything else (the only credit the writers have worth anything was the Royal Tenenbaums, but that doesn’t exactly scream epic battle movie).
(300 image courtesy of the movie t shirt category)
The movie was plague by issues. For a story that drove straight ahead like a freight train, it was shockingly lacking a point. The acting played out like a civil war in the Screen Actors Guild between the oppressive monotone Valium cartel and the plucky, scenery chewing over the top acting revolutionaries. The CGI scenery and backdrops looked like they were all photocopied from the pages of Heavy Metal magazine (there’s a 70/80’s nerd reference), and the 3D effects were laughable and actually hurt the visuals. Honestly, if you are going to make a 3D movie do us a favor and shoot it in 3D. Don’t 3D it up in post and charge me more money for a souvenir pair of headache inducing glasses.
Anyway, the story. I might go a little spoiler heavy here, so skip a couple paragraphs if that bothers you. Micky Roarke plays King Hyperion, the evil king of some country who is bent on destroying the gods for the death of his family. Ironically, in spite of the fact that he was supposed to be evil I found him to be the most appealing character, the one with the most development, and in the end the guy I was rooting for. At least he had a motivation I could relate to. He intends to do so by releasing the Titans, ancient enemy of the gods who are imprisoned in a BDSM cage. How he assumes an old enemy the gods beat once are going to kill them the second time around is beyond me, as is the motivation for the gods to keep the Titans alive after defeating them. Anyway, this is all foretold by the Virgin Oracle (Freida Pinto, the super hot veterinarian from Rise of the Planet of the Apes) and her three decoys. Anyway, Hyperion is tearing ass across Greece and about to come to a village nestled cozily into the side of a massive cliff. This is home of Thesius, the “hero” (played by Henry Caville, the next Superman in the upcoming Man of Steel where, is a shocking fit of originality, he goes toe to toe with General Zod). For the rest of this review I shall refer to Thesius as Blandy McBlanderson (Blandy son of Bland), as his acting, notability, and screen presence could not only put you to sleep but possibly induce a coma. He should have been a Navy Seal, as he so blends in with the scenery you completely forget he is on screen.
Anyway, Blandy is a bastard (literally) and lives in poverty with his mother in the cliff village. I normally talk about dues ex machina when I see the hand of God pushing the plot along, but in this movie the gods not only do what they can to help but have speaking and action rolls. Hyperion conquers the village, kills Blandys mother, and casts him into the salt mines or something. Meanwhile there is some kind of subplot involving Lysander (Joseph Morgan, from the Vampire Diaries), who betrays the Greeks and joins Hyperion only to be rewarded by being castrated and having most of his face torn off. It seems like there is something going to happen but then it just ends with no point. Blandy goes to work carrying beams and, like all filthy slaves, is allowed to drink from a beautiful, crystal clear fountain right next to the very beautiful Virgin Oracle, who is Hyperions prisoner. She is so valuable (she apparently knows where the magic bow that can release the Titans is located) that Hyperion assigns like three guys to watch her and the slaves in this one tower village. Naturally, they all escape. Greek battle hijinks ensues. The good guys somehow survive a tar tsunami. The Virgin Oracle gives it up to Blandy so fast it makes your eyes spin (as does the completely gratuitous nude scene. Ever seen a bare ass closeup on a screen 40 feet tall? Kind of weird, actually. Pretty sure it was a body double). Meanwhile her decoys suffer horribly. The gods apparently have some rule against helping mortals (that doesn’t sound like Greek mythology to me. Back then the gods were in mortals business like a nosy church lady living next door) that Zues enforces with lethal enthusiasm. Apparently he posed as an old man and trained Blandy, but that doesn’t count. The one thing he wants Blandy to do is keep the Titans from escaping, which Blandy fails miserably at. Lots of “Immortals” die. You spend the final simultaneous three fight scenes more or less rooting for both sides (Micky Roarke has a lot more appeal than Blandy, the Titans have been in serious bondage for thousands of year and the gods are complete jerks, and the Greek mortals are such non-entities that you couldn’t care less who won that fight).
Anyway, the stars. Greek mythology movie. One star. Mickey Roarke. One star. The action was pretty good (could have used more of it IMO). Two stars. Super hot Frieda Pinto, and a nice nude scene. One star. The sneaking suspicion that had I been even a little drunk or stoned this movie would have seemed brilliant. Two stars. In spite of the lack of specific stars, the movie overall was at least sort of entertaining. One star. Total: seven stars.
The black holes. Story without a point. One black hole. None of the characters made me feel any kind of connection or appeal except for Mickey Roarke, and he was supposed to be the bad guy. One black hole. Set design as done by a twelve year old. One black hole The CGI and 3D effects were actually kind of lame, and really hurt the action. One black hole. The gore was clearly fake, and kind of hurt the action. I honestly think they could have done better with clay and fake blood. One black hole. Really, really, really, really dumb costume designs. Seriously. The people on screen were either wearing slave rags, armor, or hats that would embarrass a troupe of drag queens on LSD. One black hole. While I understand the need to have everything in English (although for some reason the four Oracle girls spoke Greek), no attempt was made to make the language or wording appropriate for the subject matter. All the actors sounded like customers at the Beverly Center. One black hole. A bunch of “oh, duh” moments and the inspirational speech Blandy delivers to the Greeks toward the end had me laughing. It was also pretty pointless. One black hole. Total: seven black holes.
So a perfect zero. Not surprising based on how I felt leaving the film. If your local theater is down the street from a bar and or you can down a sixer of Shiner Bock before heading into the movie you should really enjoy it. If you ARE going to see it I would say go to a theater, as the battle scenes will get lost on a smaller screen. However, don’t waste your money on the 3D. Not a good date movie at all. See it with your drunk friends.
Thanks for reading. Follow me on Twitter @NerdKungFu. My movie budget is nicely expanded this week, so I should get more in soon. Talk to you later.
Dave
