Star Trek Movie Retrospective: Star Trek Generations
The warning stroke of the Star Trek franchise.
I can’t keep putting it off. I promised I would do the entire series and am at the dross of Star Trek. This is like dinner as a kid, when I would rush to eat all the delicious mac and cheese and be left staring at a bowl of steamed spinach and broccoli. The fun is over. Time to put the work in.
Ugh. Where to begin. I suppose I should just do what I have been doing so far and talk about what happened in 1994. Tonya Harding went nuts. Nelson Mandala became president of South Africa. The US invades Haiti. The Northridge earthquake hits LA (I slept through it). OJ is arrested for the murder of his wife and her lover. A Finnish ferry sinks, killing over 900. NAFTA is signed. Most of Montana burns up in a wildfire. No one else in the US notices. Java is released as a programming language. The Channel Tunnel is dug. Other movies included the Lion King, Forest Gump, Dumb and Dumber, the Mask, Clear and Present Danger, and Pulp Fiction. Popular music included Beastie Boys, Snoop Dogg, Rod Stewart, Sting, Bon Jovi, Aerosmith, Pearl Jam, Alice in Chains, Rolling Stones, Celine Dion, Sheryl Crow, and Boys II Men. Television was Law & Order, Ren & Stimpy, Beavis & Butthead, Mighty Morphin Power Rangers, Frasier, Star Trek DS9, and the great X-files (one day ask me about my Scully fantasies).
(Generations image courtesy of the Star Trek t shirt category)
While TV was doing OK, I think it pretty obvious that movies and music had both hit a slump. Paramount needs another hit Star Trek film. However, as the last one has more or less shown, the cast is well past their prime and not likely to appeal to the modern generation (haw!). The obvious solution would be to create a Next Generation movie. However, anti-movie producer Rick Berman failed to have enough faith in the TV show he produced for years to believe it could stand on it’s own, and like attaching water wings to a young (or severely disabled) child managed to convince the TOS stars with the least respect for their characters, Walter Koenig, James Doohan, and of course, Bill Shatner, to step in and make their TOS roles look even stupider.
So, the story. A giant space ribbon is tearing ass across the galaxy and sucks up Captain Kirk or something. Still not sure what happened there. Later, Picard comes across Malcom McDowell (remember that really cool movie he did a while ago about a violent sociopath? The movie with the great story that made sense and came from a book. I’m talking about Tank Girl, of course), who wants to get sucked back into the Nexus (the name of the ribbon) again because for some mysterious reason that is like Heaven, where you can do or be anything you want (my plan is to become an erotic dancer named Destiny). The only way he can do that is to attract the ribbon, and the only way to do that is to blow up a star with a populated planet around it. Picard and his crew do what they can to stop him, but fail.
So Picard gets sucked into the Nexus, where he gets bored of Heaven pretty quick. He runs into Guinan, still wearing the dumb hats, who explains that she is not really there but is a shadow and Picard can exit the Nexus anywhere he chooses, at any time he chooses. So he wants to go back to stop Malcom, but needs help. He recruits Captain Kirk, who was happy just chopping wood. Together they get into the lamest geriatric fight action sequence of all time (think a less coherent Bum Fight). Kirk dies, but Picard succeeds. Then, Picard leaves Kirk’s body to the rats as he goes rushing off to more adventure.
That’s pretty much it. I don’t want to get too deep into the what it had and didn’t have, although the value of what it didn’t have grossly outweighs what it did. What is specifially didn’t have was Mr. Spock or Dr. McCoy. Leonard Nimoy and DeForrest Kelley both either had too much integrity or they hired a third grader to read the script and let them know it was a steaming pile of crap. Uhura managed to miss it too. Sulu they only got by promoting him.
What the movie had was some massive, gaping plot holes you could fly the Enterprise through. Let me go into a couple.
OK. You are Captain Picard. You are in the Nexus, and need to stop Malcolm McDowell. You can come out at any point you wish. Why would you pull an old man out of retirement and then appear 2 minutes before Malcolm launches his doomsday rocket? Why would you not show up three days earlier on the bridge of the Enterprise and just throw his ass into the brig right then and there? Or paste his little base from orbit? Or transport to the surface with like 100,000 security guys? How dumb are you, man? He could have saved his brother’s life too
What the hell was Worf doing on the Enterprise? Wasn’t he supposed to be on DS9? And if he somehow transfered back, why was he still wearing his DS9 uniform, along with about half the crew? Was the costume budget so small they had to recycle old uniforms from other shows?
So Malcolm is about to launch his death rocket. According to Worf, it will impact the sun in something like 11 seconds. Assuming, since everyone can breath on the planet, it is a class M world similar to earth, that means it is 8 light minutes from the sun. This rocket would have to be able to do warp 46 to get there that fast. Lazy writers piss me off.
Why didn’t Picard recruit like 100 people to help him? For that matter, if time has no meaning in the Nexus why not enjoy a few million years of happiness and hair before dealing with the problems at home?
The planet’s ionosphere prevented the Enterprise’s sensor from detecting Picard? How lame are these sensors? This planet has an ionosphere. Also, given that we can now read a credit card from space couldn’t you just have the computer visually look at most of the surface, searching for the distinctive reflection off Picard’s shiny pate? How about getting off your lazy, bearded ass (yes, Riker, you) and send down a couple shuttles to look around a bit? I mean, it’s just the captain, right? He’s not really critical to the operation of the ship. No way he has broken a leg and is currently dying of thirst.
Why would Picard pick Kirk anyway? It’s not like he needed Kirk’s years of experience. He basically needed a red shirt to distract Malcolm and die while Picard saves the day, which is pretty much what Kirk did. While I do find irony in Kirk finally going down like a red shirt, it still bugs me that Picard didn’t recruit some kind of young combat guy or something.
What was the point of Data and his emotion chip, other than to completely annoy and distract the audience from the rest of the plot? Actually, now that I think about it, given the quality of the rest of the plot I don’t know if that was such a bad move. Still, it sucked.
If after Picard failed the first time and he and Malcolm were both in the Nexus, what was to prevent Malcolm from going back in time and killing Picard as a child, then jumping back into the Nexus at the first point he encountered it? For that matter, why didn’t he just fly up to it in a ship and shoot himself at it inside a photon torpedo?
Why did Picard leave Kirk, a galaxy wide hero known across Star Fleet, buried under a pile of rocks? His ship was about to pick him up. Are coffins so expensive in space? How about a nice memorial and tomb for him? I hope your final wish was to be eaten by alien worms on a forsaken planet, James.
What’s the deal with everyone in the universe being totally familiar with Tri-Lithium when it is an experimental compound the Romulans (not well known for sharing secrets) were experimenting with? Also, if it is such a rare, exoctic material, why did they have to come up with such a common sounding name? Lithium is pretty commonplace, and Tri-Lithium sounds like you just packed three of them together. Why not a Romulan name?
Did any of you ever watch the TV series? Apparently none of the movie producers did. Remember when Picard had to change his pants after being given a 12,000 year old “curlin nescar” (I don’t know how it’s spelled) and has a whole speech about how priceless it was? Well, why then would he drop it on the floor of his wrecked ready room and leave it for future archeologists after picking up his stupid photo album? For that matter, why the hell was his photo album and curlin nescar (Curling NASCAR? Maybe it had something to do with that weird Olympic sport where you sweep the ice combined with stock car racing) in the ready room and not his quarters? Isn’t that where he is supposed to keep important personal items?
Actually, the list goes on and on. The script was stupidly and lazily written, the TOS charactes were really out of place, Shatner’s overacting totally clashed with Picard’s Shakespearean training, Data acted completely out of character, and more or less the movie experience sucked. Of course, was it the worst of the Star Trek movies? Nope. It was more the harbinger of more pain to come.
Follow me on Twitter @Nerdkungfu. Thanks for reading. Talk to you soon.
Dave
Bucky Larson: Born to Be a Star Movie Review
It’s not every day you get to spend 97 minutes praying for a merciful death.
Can someone give me a clue what exactly happened to Adam Sandler? Did he fall on his head? Stop taking his funny medication? Been abducted by aliens and replaced with a doppelganger, human in all appearances but intellectually and culturally an extraterrestrial, from an alien planet where they find semen jokes funny and not at all cringe-worthy? He has had 24 different film and TV roles since the Waterboy and none of them are even remotely funny. A case could be made that Punch Drunk Love was an attempt at a serious career, but I found the movie disjointed and honestly funnier than You Don’t Mess With the Zohan. The trailers for his upcoming movie, Jack and Jill, where he plays his own twin sister (always a winning move), makes being trapped Chilean coal mine for months look like a pleasant alternative. I love the fact that he calls his production studio Happy Madison, in an attempt to make you think one of his current movies is on par with two of his decent ones.
So, Bucky Larson: Born to Be a Star. Adam is not in it, but wrote it and you can smell his hands all over the script. The story is of young Bucky Larson (Nick Swardson, who has been in a ton of junk. The only thing that caught my eye was 30 Minutes or Less and a bit role in Blades of Glory. Otherwise it’s all stuff like Just Go With It), a bucktoothed hayseed from Iowa with a salad bowl haircut. He discovers his parents were porn stars in the 70’s and decides he needs to move to LA to follow in their footsteps (Debbie Does Dallas image courtesy of the movie t shirts).
God, even recounting the story is painful. I’m going to blaze through it. Turns out Bucky has a micro phallus. He meets a director who discovers everyone loves him as a star because he is so small he makes ordinary guys look huge. He meets a super hot waitress (Christina Ricci – Sleepy Hollow, Speed Racer (ugh), Grey’s Anatomy, Pan Am) who works in a crappy diner, dreams of being a waitress, and has a fear of soup. She is also a virgin and yet somehow totally cool with Bucky getting into porn. There is some kind of antagonist, but the conflict is so non-consequential it doesn’t even register. An awkward romance progresses, and the only issues in it have nothing to do with any of the normal crap and more to do with a misunderstanding. Love reigns supreme at the end. My brain feels like I lost 8 IQ points as the movie progressed.
The stars. Umm. Geez. Christina Ricci was hot, although her character made me want to projectile vomit. One star. There were a couple secondary characters who were 100 times more engaging than Bucky, his girlfriend, and his parents put together. Specifially the porn director, his nephew, the porn producer, and the antagonist porn star (Don Johnson, Tyler Spindel, Ido Mosseri, and Stephen Dorff respectively). One star. There was some bare breast, but in a movie about porn there was hardly any, and it was mostly eclipsed by having to look at Bucky’s face all the time. One star. Total: three stars.
The black holes. Forced me to look at the Bucky Larson face the whole movie. Sorry, but that is not something that gets easier over time. It actually gets worse. One black hole. Having to see Bucky naked full frontal. One black hole. About 100,000,000 micro phallus jokes. One black hole. There was no real story at all. Once Bucky got to LA there was no real conflict or issues. Two black holes. Bucky’s parents were super annoying in all regards. One black hole. Bucky’s friends made me wish that bullying was still cool. As a group they all deserved about 100 wedgies a day. One black hole. Christina Ricci’s character was so unbelievable in all regards that she made the giant penguin from Billy Madison look like a viable supporting character. One black hole. The dialog was painful. One black hole. The story had little to do with any kind of reality. One black hole. The ending flew out of the ether. One black hole. Two more black holes for completely wasting two hours of my life. Total: 13 black holes.
So a total of ten black holes. Do not see this movie. Do not rent this movie. If you happen to be walking by a theater showing this movie and you see it is on fire, do not call 911. Trust me, odds are anyone watching it would rather burn to death and you are doing them a favor (I’m kidding, of course. Please call 911. Just don’t expect the people inside to thank you). Just let it rot on the pile of bad Adam Sandler films like Big Daddy, the Zookeeper, and Grown-ups.
Good sized Warhammer tournament coming up this weekend, and I’m pretty sure my friends are all planning on drinking afterwards, so I don’t know if I will get any movies watched. Follow me on Twitter @NerdKungFu. I have been doing more Tweets, a lot of them nerd movie related.
I think tomorrow I might do more of my Star Trek retrospective. Talk to you soon.
Dave
Straw Dogs Movie Review
Hollywood faces a dilemma. You see, with the rising multicultural awareness and political correctness we have enjoyed over the last fifteen years or so, there is no longer a go to race we can paint as the villain. For years it was Native Americans (then called Indians), but the slow realization that we more or less were the real bad guy in that dynamic and the fact that they were never really a threat and perhaps not as bloodthirsty or dangerous as they were painted to be kind of killed it. With WWII we had Germans and Japanese for a while, but now the Japanese are like another state and we are hoping the Germans can keep the EU from economic collapse. For a while it was the Vietnamese, but the guilt and shame we feel about that war and they way we treated our returning veterans doesn’t make for a real feel good situation (look at how Rambo returning to Vietnam was received). In theory it could be the Iraqis or the Afghanis, but since we are trying to build stable governments there from locals that are friendly to the US we can’t really demonize them as a race. Really it should be the Chinese, but since we count on them to manufacture 80% of our country and they are also responsible for a lot of overseas movie sales we can’t really alienate them. And the one group who actually could be seen to deserve being the villain in a lot of situations, white people, is the group for the most part Hollywood is trying to sell it’s product to.
Who, then, to make the bad guy? Well, the answer is pretty obvious. Redneck hillbilly white trash. Poor in culture, hygiene, and tolerance of outsiders with a bent towards drunken violence and a tendency to own a lot of guns, they are the clear cut winner in the “What marginalized group can we ostracize without getting into trouble with the rest of them?” contest. The funny thing is, most white trash really don’t have that much of a problem with it. They kind of see things in movies and are for the most part cool with it in ways no other group would be. It’s a weird phenomenon. (Trailer park image courtesy of the funny t shirts category)
So, Straw Dogs. I know it’s yet another remake of a film shot in 1971 staring Dustin Hoffman, and a few of the reviews I saw try to compare the two, but I never saw the original and therefore will review this film on it’s own merits. I think the movie had issues from start to finish, the main one being I couldn’t figure out who to have sympathy with. In theory it was the protagonists, Hollywood script writer David Sumner (James Marsden – Cyclops from X-Men, Superman Returns) and actress wife Amy (Kate Bosworth – Superman Returns, 21, Win a Date with Tad Hamilton (?), the Warrior’s Way (ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. I forgot she was in that one. God awful)). They are the outsiders coming into town and getting abused. However, he comes across as way too good for the locals and does everything in his power to alienate them, including bailing out of church service mid sermon in order to take a nap in his $100,000 car. It’s like he taped his own “Kick Me” sign on his back as he rolled into town. She is originally from the town, but does all she can to stir up trouble. I totally support a woman’s right to dress as she sees fit, but at some point you have to take reality into check. I don’t care where you are living, if you have a crew of men including your ex boyfriend working on your property try wearing something other than super short short shorts and a braless tank top, if only out of respect for them. She also manages to avoid visiting any of her old friends, which kind of pisses them off. In a way, you could have some sympathy for the local yokels who later attack them, headed by Charlie (Alexander Skarsgard – Zoolander, True Blood), as they really were just minding their hillbilly business, but then they turn out to be rapists. There is a developmentally challenged young man you could be sympathetic to, but then he actually commits the crime everyone was afraid he would (blatant rip off of Of Mice and Men). There is a young girl who you might care about, but she is obviously trying to create problems for the challenged guy. The guy I felt most sympathetic for was the local Sheriff (Laz Alonso – Avatar, Fast and Furious 2009, Jarhead) as he seemed to be trying to keep the peace in a really tough situation, but even he seemed to not want to really take any kind of stand. By the end of the movie it becomes apparent who you are supposed to be rooting for, but the murky nature of what was going on really drained a lot of my sympathy.
Anyway, this movie starts off with David Sumner and hot wife Amy coming to Blackwater, Mississippi. She spent most of her childhood trying to escape this backwater and really doesn’t want to come back, but he seems to think it would be a great place for him to work on his script about Stalingrad (absolutely no foreshadowing there. I guess subtlety is not director Rod Lurie’s strong point). Also, he must think forcing your wife to relive childhood trauma is good for a relationship. Anyway, her father passed on and they are going to live in his old place. The barn was damaged by Katrina and he hires Charlie and his crew of white trash stereotypes to rebuild it. Turns out Charlie was Amy’s ex boyfriend, something 30 seconds of conversation might have established before offering him the job. Charlie and crew do the whole creepy eye thing with Amy, which bugs her at first but then, after a fight with David, encourages by undressing in front of an open window. She and her husband bumble about town alienating the locals. Eventually they have to fire the crew.
I’ll say that up until here I was with the movie. Seemed a little annoying, but solidly in the 3-5 star range for me. Then, while most of the work crew take David in a snipe hunt (if you don’t know what that is Google it) we get to the horrific, graphic multiple rape scene. I am pretty sure this scene was part of the 1971 version and kept in for artistic integrity, but it really threw the whole film off the rails and into a deep canyon. The scene itself was eye gougingly, skin crawlingly creepy and awful as possible. The worst part was the progression. At first it looks like it could happen, but you keep thinking, “OK, David’s going to come home and interrupt, or the guy is going to feel like he made his point and cut out.” But no, it keeps progressing to it’s as bad as you can imaging ending. Then, another guy comes in for anther one. Sorry, but as I mentioned yesterday in my Drive review violence against women is something that I do not abide, and rape is so disgusting an act that it makes me ashamed to be at all associated with men capable of that, even genetically. Then, to make matters worse, Amy does the rape victim thing and does not report it to anyone, not even her husband.
Other stuff happens. The very predictable sub plot of the developmentally challenged kid comes to fruition. David and Amy end up besieged in their house by Charlie and his crew. Stuff blows up. David uses a lot of ingenuity to shoot, burn, nail, and at one point bear trap the hated white trash foe. The end.
The stars. Good acting from the entire cast. One star. The dialog and screenplay was well written. One star. Filming and editing was really good. Some of the hunting scenes were really well shot. One star. Kate Bosworth was looking really hot (although given what happened to her character I feel dirty saying so). One star. In spite of Hollywood’s attempt to demonize them, I find Southern culture and accents charming. Everyone is so polite. One star. Total: five stars.
The black holes. Horrible, graphic rape scene (come on guys. We weren’t making the Accused here. I’m going to have to play a lot of video games to wash those images out of my brain). Four black holes. Every interaction David and Amy had with locals had an obvious “We are going to kick your ass” undertone that neither of them seemed capable of perceiving. One black hole for stupidity. The last 20 minutes of violence, while entertaining (and, to be honest, cathartic), took on a Wile E Coyote slapstick comedy note that was not really in tune with the rest of the movie. One black hole. The whole not sure who to be sympathetic to thing. One black hole. And one more black hole for exploiting every southern white trash stereotype possible. Total: Eight black holes.
So a total of three black holes, a pretty bad score. Unfortunately the actors did a better job than this, and if the writers had tightened things up a bit and done something different with one scene it probably would have scored in the stars region. It was kind of entertaining if you can ignore a couple things. See it on your TV, as most of the film work does not require a big screen to see it.
Follow me on Twitter @NerdKungFu for laughs and annoying questions. I’m going to try to see something tonight or tomorrow. Maybe I’ll suffer through that Bucky Larson fiasco. Should be fun to review.
Drive Movie Review
Overall pretty good, although not without it’s issues, which I will get into in a minute. Incidentally, I seem to have picked up a movie viewing partner, at least for the non violent or horror films. She liked it as well, but was bitter about the lack of Ryan Gosling without his shirt off. No, we are not a couple, nor are we likely to be.
The movie starts off great, with the completely unnamed protagonist (which bugs me, by the way. Even the tire in Rubber got a name. It just smacks of pretension) Ryan Gosling delivering very specific and chilling instructions to a client who is hiring him to drive a getaway vehicle for a robbery. While I question the need any petty B&E criminal might have to hire a professional driver they don’t know when there are millions of people who can drive in LA, it does lead us into a really cool cop chase/stealth sequence through the streets of downtown LA (actually most of the film seemed to be shot within six blocks of this cruddy studio apartment I had when I lived in the sphincter of Los Angeles). After that, the film pacing slips from third gear (expect a lot of car and driving jokes in this review) into park as we go through 25 minutes of sluggish character and plot development. I say character development as there is no other term for it, but due to the fact that except for his job description speech (which he delivers twice) Ryan Gosling does not say more than five words at a time for the entire rest of the movie. He gives a new face to the term taciturn.
It seems cool at first, but eventually you just want to shake him until he gives us something. We go the entire movie learning nothing about him, his past, or his motivations. We find out that he works as a Hollywood stunt driver and auto mechanic. He is an excellent driver. The end. His actions seem inconsistent as well. One minute he is risking his life to help his neighbor and love interest get her ex con husband out of debt to some bad people, and the next he is punching another girl in the face. You gain nothing about him as a human, and during the course of the film seems as inanimate as one of the cars he drives.
Anyway, the driver has a friend who is trying to set him up in the stock car business, and is borrowing money from gangsters. Meanwhile, he is falling in love (maybe. His actions and facial expressions could mean anything) with his neighbor, the super cute and innocent looking Carey Mulligan (not a lot of stuff I’m familiar with. Pride and Predjudice, I guess. She had a role for a while on Dr. Who. David Tennant image courtesy of the TV show t shirts), who has a kid who bonds with him as well. Unfortunately the baby daddy (played 
really well by Oscar Isaac. You might remember him as Blue from Sucker Punch) is in prison for some ill defined crime and once he gets out has to rob a pawn shop for guys he owes money from. At that point the movie gets a little confusing. The crime goes perfectly to a point but there is some other car there to stop their getaway. The husband gets killed but the driver and some girl accomplice get away from the other car. They try to figure out what is going on and the driver punches the girl in the face in order to get her to tell him what she knows. Somehow one of the gangsters (Ron Perlman, one of my favorites. I’m glad to see he finally found a script that didn’t totally suck) they got involved with for the stock car deal wanted them to rob the pawn shop of some money from a different East Coast gangster. It is implied he sent the second car to screw with them but there is never any attempt to really explain what it was doing there, except for adding an exciting chase and crash sequence. Now they all want each other dead. Gangster like hijinks ensues. The driver (again without any explanation of where he comes from) proves to be an expert with a wide array of weapons and violence. The movie ends on kind of a cool, interesting note.
The stars. Good cast from top to bottom. I like every actor in here and bought them all at face value. Two stars. Attempt at a more complicated non-linear plot. One star. While there was less driving in the movie than the title would imply, what driving there was was well executed and cool. One star. While Ryan Gosling could have had a mannequin stand in for most of his scenes, the acting from everyone else was really good. One star. The ending was very cool and not what you would expect. One star. Cool noir feel. One star. A number of pretty cool cars throughout the film. One star. Some completely pointless gratuitous nudity (every gangster should be headquartered in a strip club in my opinion). One star. They didn’t hold back on the violence or try to spare anyone in the interest of softening the film. This movie earned its R rating. One star. Total: ten stars.
The black holes. A couple really glaring plot holes, especially the whole “why the hell was that second car at the robbery?” one that kept me up last night. If the guys in it worked for the East Coast mobsters then why didn’t they stop the robbery? If they worked for Ron Perlman than their presence literally made zero sense, as he was due to collect the loot anyway and could have killed the robbers at his convenience. It’s like a splinter in my brain. Two black holes. The pacing was really weird. Started off moderately fast, slowed down to a crawl, picked up for a while, slowed down again, picked up, and then kind of petered out at the end. One black hole. The whole “I’m never going to say a word about my past, opinions, feelings, or anything” really started to grind on me once in a while. It would be OK for the driver character to say something human once during the movie, like “Ouch” as his buddy is picking shotgun pellets out of his arm with no anesthetic. The Terminator had more emotion. One black hole. They did the whole “I’m going to ram your car twice with mine at night, once hard enough to T-bone your parked car off a cliff, and show no damage to my front grill. Both headlights will remain perfectly functional” thing. One black hole. Ryan Gosling’s character kind of lost a lot of sympathy from me when he punched that girl in the face and then choked her until she told him what she knew (sorry, but violence against women, like cruelty to animals, really puts me off my feed). It would have worked if he were supposed to be the bad guy. One black hole. Total: six black holes.
In the irksome but not black hole worthy category I have a few. For a movie that did the first hour with no violence whatsoever, when they finally got it going it was as violent and horrible as anything I have ever seen. The disparity kind of derailed the whole movie for me. It just shifted the tone a lot. I won’t black hole it, as I think the issue was just a lack of opportunity to show that level of violence in the first half, but there it is. Also, the loving romance between Carey Mulligan and ex con Oscar Isaac felt really fake and force. I don’t know a woman in the world who would have hung out for him. If you see the movie you will understand what I mean. Finally, for a movie called “Drive” there didn’t seem to be a lot of driving going on, and a lot of what there was seemed to be leisurely cruising around LA. Say what you will about movies like the Fast and the Furious, but when they claim to be driving films they include a ton of driving.
So a total of four stars. Not bad, not great. If you are a fan of Ryan Gosling you might be disappointing, as he spent most of the movie wearing a puffy 80’s style jacket and not really saying anything (most of the style and sound track was very 80’s). If you like driving you might be disappointing, as the driving sequences don’t really drive the film. If you like clever gangster movies you might be disappointed as the story seems to not really connect a lot. However, if you find pleasure in all three you could very well enjoy yourself. I’d say its worth watching. Nothing really draws you in to a big screen, so NetFlix it. I don’t recommend this for a date, as one second you are watching a passionate kiss and the next you are literally watching some guy get his head stomped flat.
Follow me on Twitter @NerdKungFu. I’m trying to say more on there. I plan to see Straw Dogs tonight so look for that review tomorrow. Talk to you soon.
Dave
The 10 Best Star Trek TOS Episodes
So no movie to review, and I have been promising to finish my Star Trek movie retrospective, but the problem is I am up to Generations and have been repressing that one like a childhood memory of molestation. I have had a tough couple weeks, especially in the dating world, and have decided to do something that I know will put me in a good mood and a smile on my face: my top 10 best TOS episodes of all time.
The hardest part was actually narrowing it down to 10. My short list had 22 on it (and to be honest, my long list has 79 if you know what I mean) and I have spent a lot of time thinking about the episodes and what they all mean to me. You will notice I am more inclined to go with the darker episodes, so don’t hate spam me with questions like “Why didn’t you have The Trouble with Tribbles or Shore Leave on here?” Those were fun, but the cute episodes I consider pretty light weight compared to these others.
10. The Conscience of the King. This one doesn’t appear on a lot of top 10 lists, but I loved it. Dark and sinister, with Kodos the Executioner trying to repress his past and redeem himself in raising a pure daughter in the arts, with characters from his past wanting to hunt him down. I think my favorite scene is when Kirk has Anton Karidian read the proclamation Kodos made at the execution of the colonists, although his death scene at the end of the episode was great too. “The revolution is successful, but survival depends on drastic measures. Your continued existence represents a threat to the well-being of society. Your lives mean slow death to the more valued members of the colony. Therefore I have no alternatvie but to sentence you to death. Your execution is so ordered. Signed, Kodos, governor of Tarsus Four.”
9. The Gamesters of Triskelion. I know. Kind of dopey and campy. But as a kid I used to love the Star Trek fight scenes, and this one is full of it. Also, if you want to see Kirk at his macho, over the top best, this is the episode to use. Plus, I had many a young teenage fantasy about the green haired girl in the silver lame’ bikini. (episode images all courtesy of the Star Trek t shirt category). Plus, this episode introduced us to Quatloos, a form of currency I plan to use to replace all other money when I conquer this pathetic planet.
8. Charlie X. Wow, even putting these in order is hard. I have a good idea what is going to be my number one and two, but this one was hard to place. Poor Charlie. Honestly, nothing wrong with him other than the normal hormones all teenage boys are subject too. That and unimaginable power with no behavior governor. Anyone else get bothered by the fact that the Thasians were able to return Yeoman Rand but Yeoman Tina Lawton seems to remain an iguana and the guy in the gym, Sam, remains lost in the nether? It goes to show you don’t have to be on an away mission to suffer the fate of all no name red shirts. Anyway, when I was first really into Star Trek I was feeling pretty alienated from all my peers (plus a bunch of other guys who really weren’t my peers at all), so the plight of Charlie at the end really spoke to me. When he fades out of sight at the end I feel really sad.
7. The Galileo Seven. This one was all Spock, all the time. He is in command and it is his call to deal with his dwindling crew and the giant creatures attacking them. You get to see into his logical mind deeper than most episodes. I especially loved his argument at the end of the episode where he makes the claim that he had logically concluded that the only recourse left was to act in an illogical manner. Awesome.
6. the City on the Edge of Forever. I told you at the beginning the I am drawn to the darker episodes, and there is absolutely nothing happy about this one. Dark and grim, with Kirk having to make horrible choices in order to protect the future as he knew it. Also, I would like to mention that everyone acknowledges Star Trek for inventing the cell phone, but the fact is they also came up with the iPad (or just tablet) in this one. Spock uses his tricorder to record the historic tracts the Guardian is showing him and then later replays them on the screen. Steve Jobs, Gene Roddenberry has beat you out once again.
5. Amok Time. Yes, I know. This is the penultimate episode and should be higher up, but my placement is for this is not about this one being bad as the next four being amazing. Greatest fight scene of all time, and proof that Kirk can lose to someone (Spock actually beats his ass on two separate occasions). Still not sure how they got that script past Shatner’s ego. Anyway, some really cool Spock moment. I love the cello music they play whenever he is doing all his Vulcan meditation.
4. Arena. Does it say something about my brain that three of these 10 are about personal combat? I really was born in the wrong millennium. Anyway, Arena is all good with no fluff. The Gorn captain is so cool, and Kirk gets to show all his best shoulder rolls and flying kicks, to no effect. What do you really think kicking a walking alligator is going to do? Kirk gets to explore his resourcefulness, and in the end proves what noble creatures humans are at heart.
3. Spectre of the Gun. Wow. Star Trek managed to find a way to get cowboys in space in a cool way (eat your heart out, Joss Whedan). Not only that, but they did it during the dreadful third season (we don’t need to talk about Abraham Lincoln in space). The whole virtual reality concept was literally decades ahead of its time, and really led to an amazing story. They added a little camp at the end when Kirk feels the need to beat the hell out of what is effectively a figment of his own imagination, but the scene where the crew is standing in front of the Earps as bullets pass harmlessly through them will always remain with me. (I am, by the way, a huge Firefly fan. I’m just saying Star Trek beat them to it)
2. Space Seed. Even putting aside the fact that this episode led us to the Wrath of Khan, this was such an awesome story that it makes my face hurt from smiling thinking about it. The great Khan Noonien Singh (great name, by the way. If any of you are having a child soon I recommend considering it) in all his super human glory. This show also featured excellent examples of the crew’s discipline and loyalty. Even Lt. McGivers comes around once the love glow faded and she remembered her duty.
1. Balance of Terror. When the TOS episodes started to become available in DvD but before you could buy entire seasons, this was one of the few I bought. I could watch this episode over and over again. Great space battles (in all their Das Boot glory) but more importantly, a steady buildup of tension that very few other shows or movies can possibly match. First time I watched this I was rooted to the screen, my whole body tingling. Not only that, but you really feel a connection with the Romulan commander unlike any other villain in the series. When he is forced to eject the body of the Centurion I was honestly moved.
Furthermore, this episode deals with stuff normally excluded from the shows, including Federation politics and inter species racism. As an aside, the Romulan commander was played by Mark Leonard. He later played two other different Star Trek rolls, being the only actor to portray three different characters in the series. Can you name the other two?
Anyway, I know there is any amount of argument that could go on here. This is the list for me, however. Feel free to respond here or sent me a message on Twitter @Nerdkungfu (follow me too, dammit. I need followers). I am willing to discuss episodes until the cows come home.
Dave
Warrior Movie Review
Shoot at the walls of heartache Bang! Bang!
Sorry, couldn’t resist that one. It was either that or “Warriors! Come out and playyyay.” Anyway, last night’s date ended early, which may or may not bode ill, although given my current track record is not a promising sign, and I stopped off at Jack London Square to watch this movie. I had seen trailers and it looked like a bad Rocky remake, only with MMA. I have not been a huge MMA fan to date. I mean sure, like any primitive testosterone enhanced American male I enjoy watching guys beat the hell out of each other, but I don’t actively follow it. I would rather watch that than boxing, but that’s pretty much the extent of it. (Drago image courtesy of the movie t-shirt category, and is kind of appropriate given this movie features a scary Russian fighter too).
So I went into this film not expecting much. I mean, Nick Nolte is an actor I enjoy, but the other guys looked kind of dopey and the title alone was enough to give me the bad review writing itch. But then, as the movie progressed and led to the climax, I experienced one of the rarest things an embittered, soulless movie critic such as myself can: excitement.
Yes, this movie was exciting. I got totally drawn in to the characters. I found myself rooting for both of the main protagonists, wondering how each was going to beat their next, progressively nastier opponent, and even the sub plot dealing with Nick Nolte’s character trying to reconcile his relationship with is two estranged sons had me in neck deep. I followed the training sequences avidly (this isn’t a stretch for me. Any martial arts movie should have training sequences) and even bought the wife and stupid high school kids as really decent supporting characters.
I don’t know why we are having so many good movies coming out in late August/early September. Traditionally this is the doldrums of movie making.
Anyway, the story. Muscle bound Tom Hardy (actually really good film biography here. I was surprised. Inception, Layer Cake (great film), Rocknrolla) as Tommy Conlon shows up on his father’s (Nick Nolte) door after being gone for 15 years or so. He left with his mother, who died penniless, and now blames his father for her death. The father, Paddy, trained Tom and his brother Brendon in wrestling. They have some awkward, mumbling conversation and Tommy bails out. Meanwhile, his estranged brother Brendon (Joel Edgerton – less impressive biography here. You might remember him as young Uncle Owen from Star Wars Episode II and III. Other than than kind of junk) is a high school physics teacher in danger of losing his house to the bank after financing heart surgery for his daughter. He is making money fighting at local strip bars and gets suspended for it. They both hear about the biggest MMA fight in the world with a $5MM prize and decide to train for it (turns out Tommy is committed to helping out the family of his friend killed while they both served in Iraq in the Marines). Tommy trains with Paddy and Brendon with an old friend Frank (Frank Grillo – Guiding Light, Minority Report, Edge of Darkness). Brendon is dealing with his hot wife ((Jennifer Morrison – House M.D., Star Trek 2009, Mr. and Mrs. Smith) who doesn’t want him to fight, as he got hurt doing it before.
Anyway, there is a big montage of training that works really well. The sub plots weave kind of seamlessly into the story without getting in the way or being annoyingly distracting. Both guys are fighting for a noble cause, and you end up not sure who you want to see win. I found myself rooting for both. The story is a little on the predicable side, but the action and characters are exciting enough to keep your mind off that.
The stars. Really, really exciting (most exciting for since Unstoppable). Two stars. Even though all the guys spoke like they had a mouthful of marbles, they still (or because of) managed to deliver very real characters whom I firmly believed. Well done IMO. One star. Good supporting characters. One star. Good sub plots. One star. Nick Nolte. One star. I know this probably has a lot to do with my own history, but the whole father/son reconciliation thing really spoke to me. One star. The fight sequences toward the end were very well shot and drew the audience in. You really felt the hits. One star. The ending really worked, and didn’t at all try to get sappy. One star. Overall the story never bugged me too much, and made sense. One star. Total: ten stars.
The black holes. I find it hard to believe that all it takes for two completely unknown fighters to get entered into the worlds largest MMA fight is a couple of phone calls. One black hole. The writer and director blatantly strived to manipulate my emotions (and for the most part succeeded). I know that is their job, but sometimes I find myself annoyed by such heavy handed approaches. One black hole. You know, I’m wracking my brain and can’t really come up with anything else (and even that last one was a stretch). Pacing was good. Dialog was good. Film work adequate. Two black holes total.
So a grand total of eight stars and my hearty recommendation that you go see it in the theater. The fight scenes really have a great impact on the larger screen. You could wait, but I don’t think it would be as good on a TV.
I think that’s it for new movies until next weekend, although I supposed I have to see Bucky Larson at some point. I am dreading that film like a root canal. Next weekend we have some cool stuff coming out like Drive, Straw Dogs, and I Don’t Know How She Does It (what I don’t know is if Sarah Jessica Parker will still look hot at 46 and playing a working mother, but we’ll see). Follow me on Twitter @NerdKungFu. Thanks for reading this! Talk to you soon.
Dave
Contagion movie review
Ever feel like you don’t have enough germophobia in your life? Contagion has the cure.
So tonight it was Contagion, a movie about a plague that kills millions and causes Purell sales to skyrocket. Overall a decent flick, if a little dry and, ironically, low impact. What do I mean? Let’s find out.
The movie starts off with Beth Emhoff (Gwyneth Paltrow) coming home from a wild trip to Hong Kong filled with drinking, casino gambling, and adultery. She comes home not feeling well and falls over to shuffle off this mortal coil, followed shortly by her young son. Her cuckold husband, Mitch (Matt Damon) is somehow immune. Meanwhile, the camera runs around the world showing major metropolitan cities where people traveling from China are infecting their local communities. We cut to several CDC lab scenes and officials, including Lawrence Fishburne as Dr. Cheever, the head. Plague chaos and medical research ensues. A local blogger manages to disrupt things by claiming a homeopathic remedy is the cure and runs around San Francisco in a homemade bubble suit (never underestimate the power of a well crafted blog. Of course, for this blog underestimate all you want. Also, did they really have to make the crazy conspiracy nut reside in San Francisco? Weren’t their other stereotypes they could exploit?).
This movie was well written and directed. The most interesting part for me was the progressive degeneration and break down of society they showed, although I think a few steps ended up on the cutting room floor as at one point the chaos went from fairly concerning to chaos on a massive scale in one scene change. The science seemed pretty solid as well, with nothing obviously stupid being done. The movie did manage to illustrate how the US has a really hard time moving quickly when dealing with drugs and vaccines that have to get out to the population in a timely manner, and there were undertones of pharmaceutical companies intending to exploit the health needs for profit, something I firmly believe they would do without hesitation.
Why, then, do I say kind of low impact? The fact is, after the two initial deaths, for the most part none of the main characters died or were connected to people who died, in spite of any number of secondary characters introduced seemingly to provide fodder to make the movie more poignant. There were a couple of mass grave scenes, but nothing that really looked like more than a bunch of carpet remnants being buried. One doctor died, but the guy who was supposed to care didn’t even mention her again. Basically the deaths took on a number aspect with little to no real emotional impact. It started to feel like racking up kills in a video game. The movie tended to be pretty dry anyway, with no violence to speak of or any kind of real conflict between characters.
Of course, I spent a lot of the movie hoping the corpses would get up and start trying to eat the flesh of the living, so maybe I’m a little skewed here. I guess not all deadly diseases can be as cool as the T Virus (image courtesy of the video game t shirt category).
The stars. Very well and intelligently written. Two stars. Nobody did anything stupid that made me want to scream. One star. Acted very well across the board. One star. Marion Cotillard (the hot French girl from Inception), who is one of my favorite actresses and hopefully my future wife, spent the movie looking pretty good. One star. The progression of anarchy and the CDC and government responses to the epidemic felt very real and well thought out. One star. Good science. One star. The research episodes appealed in the same way CSI seems cool. One star. Overall a good movie. One star. Total: nine stars.
The black holes. The whole “death lacking impact” thing I just mentioned. One black hole. The CDC seemed to spend a lot of time trying to figure out where the disease came from rather than working on a cure, and as part of that pursuit spent a lot of time looking at security footage that looked exactly like it had been shot by the same film crew that did the normal scenes. Most movies at least try to make security footage look grainy and black and white, without sound and/or full effects. One black hole. They laughingly list the population of San Francisco as 3.6 million people. Most people don’t know this, but it is actually a fairly small city, with a population at last census of 808,976 people. I guess they were trying to increase the effect of an outbreak in SF. They can’t even claim to be using the population of the entire Bay Area, as that exceeds 7.6 million. They were doing this thing where they listed the population of each area and probably felt something that low would feel less impactful, but it took me literally 10 seconds to look up and that kind of lazy writing always bugs me. One black hole. Total: three black holes.
There were a couple in the irksome category. First off, I can’t decide if this movie was too gory or not gory enough. We get treated to a semi-graphic autopsy of Gwyneth Paltrow (would you like some surrealism with your coffee?) but other than people foaming at the mouth don’t see much. I think the lack of gore, while appealing to my desire to see movies not rely on that banal Hollywood crutch, kind of aided the lack of emotional content. A couple scenes of people coughing up their lungs while dying a painful, prolonged death might have brought it home more. I also found a few of the many sub plots kind of unnecessary. Not enough to hurt the plot. Just kind of dead time on the screen.
So a final tally of six stars, a very respectable score. I think if you are into medical dramas or CSI style crime investigation you will really enjoy it. However, there is nothing visually that really cries out for a big screen so if you want to save a few bucks wait for NetFlix. Not at all a good date film, as your date will not want to have anything to do with human contact after this film, and odds are neither will you. To be honest I went to the bathroom afterwards and really washed my hands. I think I will now give my bathroom and kitchen the scrubbing of a lifetime. OCD, here I come!
Follow me on Twitter, where you can stay in touch with no chance of any kind of disease transmission @Nerdkungfu. Warrior next, I think, if I can muster up the testosterone. Thanks for reading this.
Warhammer Fantasy Battle 8th Edition doesn’t suck as much as I thought at first
So over the weekend I hung out with some people who called into question my geek credibility. Their logic was, sure, Dave’s into Star Trek, Star Wars, comic books, video games, anything science fiction, zombies, ninjas, pirates, and cowboys, but he doesn’t have huge coke bottle glasses (the cake, I mean logo, is a lie), bathe regularly, and can actually have a normal conversation without geeking out totally. I, of course, took rapid offense to this assertation and decided the best way to re-establish my position in the nerd world by ranting about the geekiest hobby I have: Warhammer.
For those of you not familiar, is a miniature war game that was invented over 30 years ago in England. It features orks, dragons, elves, zombies, ogres, humans, vampires, lizard men, evil sorcerers, good sorcerers, and a race of half man/half rats called Skaven. It is played with little toy soldiers (hence forth referred to as miniatures, thank you very much) that each player has to buy, assemble, and paint in order to present a coherent army of 80-300 miniatures. Tape measures and dice are used to determine how the battle goes. It is absolutely as geeky as humanly possible, and I love it to the point that I travel across the country to play in tournaments (for the record, I am currently ranked 13th in the country). Next trip will be San Antonio, TX in November for the Alamo Grand Tournament.
Anyway, if you are a lay person that is as far as you really need to read, as I am going to get into it deeply in the next few paragraphs. Unless you are some kind of sociologist trying to write a paper on sub cultures (the Jane Goodall of nerds) you can probably skip to the last paragraph, where I plan to bitch about my dating life some more.
So the big news from last year was the release of 8th edition, and to be honest I was pretty bitter about it. It seemed to eliminate the maneuver as a major factor in game winning, and relied on magic and army composition. Premeasuring meant there was no advantage to being accurate in your guesses. The MSU build seemed dead, which tended to make for really fun, interesting games, and the magic phase so grossly overpowered (especially with the original rules for the Power Scroll) that you could win a game with a single roll of the dice. Steadfast seemed to eliminate the need to turn flanks, and everyone was going straight for huge, gross horde formation builds.
Some of that still seems valid. Magic is grossly overpowered, and a big horde deathstar is something to be avoided like the plague. However, I have discovered in recent months that you can still use maneuver to force your opponent into untenable situations. Furthermore, when someone shows up with 3-4 huge deployables I have learned that you can spend most of the game avoiding whatever is bad with redirection and pick off the easy meat. Since the break between a win and a draw is now only 100 points if you pay attention all you need to do is score one unit and keep him from scoring a bunch of yours. It is a different kind of maneuver game, but maneuver nonetheless.
The one thing I am really starting to see is a major difference between players who were considered good in 7th ed and what can best be described as the new breed of players in 8th. If you didn’t learn maneuver back when it really meant something you will naturally just want to do the huge blocks and have done with it.
I do still miss a lot of 7th ed. The random nature of spells and other stuff can have a good player lose to a lucky bad player. However, I am finding more to like about 8th than I first thought I would. Also, with the massive army creep going on across the board, when you beat someone using a softer list you end up feeling really good about it. Also, I am finding really cool synchronicities in a well balanced army that is missing from the huge formation builds.
Anyway, I said I was going to bitch about my dating life, but upon reflection it’s not that bad. The one girl I am seeing seems inclined to give me a let’s be friends speech, but if you can sniff it coming you can be mentally prepared. Also, she is pretty cool, and I don’t know if I would mind just being friends. Of course if she starts dating someone else I will probably have some kind of meltdown, as if there is one thing I hate it’s being the eunuch man-friend to someone who wants to bitch at me about how her BF is a jerk and/or loser (somehow they all seem to want to tell me what a great guy I am and how I will meet someone, but when faced with the possibility of having to actually date me they don’t want to “ruin the friendship”. Why, then, is it every annoyingly happy couple wants to tell you how they started off as friends? Seems like most girls want that on some level. I think it’s the hypocrisy that gets me more than anything). I think I am going out with another girl tomorrow night who I happen to know carries a sonic screwdriver in her purse. Sounds potentially awesome (Talk Nerdy To Me image courtesy of the nerd t-shirt category). Wish me luck on that one.
Movie Review: The Guard
So the date I had Thursday was one of the best I’ve ever had. I had some comments on what I think is going on, but just decided I don’t want to shoot from the hip and screw things up until I have a better grip on what the deal is. She is a great girl, and I hope once she gets over her ex she figures out that I am a great guy.
Anyway, the movie we saw was The Guard, is an Irish film that was ridiculously funny and charming. In fact, it was probably the best date movie we could have picked out. I laughed my ass off, and we had a lot to talk about afterward. I do recommend it highly.
The story is of an Irish policeman (apparently called Guards over there, or Garda) named Gerry Boyle (Brendan Gleeson – Gangs of New York, Troy, Mad-Eye Moody from Harry Potter) who is grizzled and unorthodox. He apparently does drugs a lot, regularly hires hookers, and has ties to the IRA. Somehow he still retains a core of integrity with regards to his job. He gets paired up with uptight FBI agent Wendell Everett (Don Cheadle – Iron Man 2, a bunch of other crap including Hotel for Dogs. Iron Man image courtesy of the Marvel comic t shirt category) who is on the trail of international drug smugglers who are looking to land their product on the Irish coast. Boyle comes across as a racist, ignorant Irishman but as the movie progresses you realize it is a front to hide his sharp mind.
Pretty much every character is hilarious, and they all play together well. Most of the rest of the Garda is somehow corrupt and is bribed to look the other way. Boyle runs through the movie like a wrecking ball with a devil may care attitude that I appreciated. Everett has all kinds of problems with him but in the end appreciates what he is. Drug bust hijinks ensues. Some guys get shot (not as many in most American cop films). You spend about 1/3rd of the movie trying to figure out what the last guy said in his Irish brogue.
The stars. Brendan Gleeson was awesome and funny. Two stars. All the rest of the characters were pretty cool, including the American and the drug smugglers. One star. Good story and dialog. Two stars. Set in Ireland. One star. They kept the gun play to a minimum. One star. All the humor was really tongue in cheek and required you to pay attention. One star. Two really hot Irish prostitutes made a gratuitous but appreciated appearance, and there was a wife who was super hot too. One star. Overall a good movie. One star. Total: ten stars.
The black holes. There were points where the Irish accented English could have used a subtitle, causing me to think I missed a lot. One black hole. The last ten minutes devolved into a typical gun action cop movie. One black hole. While it may or may not be true, the movie did not paint Irish cops in a very positive light. One black hole. Total: three black holes.
So a total of seven stars, a great score. I really enjoyed this film and think I will try to see it again some time to try to pick up on the stuff I might have missed. I might suggest it to my friends for movie night as well. The shooting wasn’t exceptional IMO, so in spite of having the chance to film amazing gorgeous Irish countryside the film tends to focus on the characters and be a little on the bland side. Not enough to warrant a black hole, but enough to say it would be OK to watch on your screen at home. NetFlix it.
The 10 Worst Comic Book Movies
I was at movie night with my friends tonight (the movie was Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are Undead, truly awful but in a funny way) and the topic of comic book movies came up during the pizza break. I gave it some thought on the way home and decided to compose a list of the really bad ones. I am going to stick to the main stream stuff, since if I start adding secondary characters like the Spirit, TMNT, and Barbed Wire this list could get to be 100 strong. This is all in my opinion, so feel free to disagree and argue all you want.
10. Fantastic Four-sorry, Jessica Alba is not the Invisible Woman. Mistreated in all ways, starting with making Ben Grim look like they a wax figurine they left in the sun too long. This movie basically tore into the great legacy of the first family of Marvel and excreted a steaming pile of cellulite pretending to be a coherent film.
9. Judge Dredd-I think this story is another one that suffers more from bad casting than from bad writing and direction (although it had those too). Sylvester Stallone has a hard time pulling any role other than Rambo or Rocky (although I thought he was great in Copland) and he really couldn’t pull off Dredd. More importantly, in my mind, is the fact that Judge Dredd the comic is a grim and humorless look at the dark and bleak future. Why, then, did the producers feel the need to forcefully inject a comic relief character (Rob Schneider) as the bumbling criminal sidekick who hides in a robot and is pulled out covered in spaghetti? Did the writers actually read any of the Judge Dredd comics?
8. Daredevil-another terrible casting job, but this one was overshadowed by the incompetent writing and direction. Ben Afleck sucked in here, but he was also given a crap script to work with. I harbor a special hatred for this movie as it infected us with horrible sequel Electra. This movie would have made this list, but I wanted to stay away from secondary characters. Jennifer Garner is pretty hot, but a quick look at her film biography makes it look like she is trying to wallpaper the Great Wall of China with pages from bad movie scripts.
7. The Punisher-this one hits me square in the heart, as the Punisher was always one of my favorite comics. However, being a fan boy only heightened my sense of outrage when I saw how they butchered the Frank Castle story. Also, if you want to go back even further in the history of bad movie casting, the original movie starred none other than Dolph Lundgren. I was a fan of his from Universal Soldier, and felt he really made the movie happen in the Expendables, but in this movie he only took a sinking ship and filled the hold with lead bars.
6. X-Men Origins: Woverine-I had a mental debate over which was the worst; this one or X-Men Last Stand. Based on the fact that Last Stand at least made a token effort to stay true to the original story (by like 5% more. I know it still butchered it) I had to go with Origins. Weapon X was a great mini series (although there is some serious debate as to a lack of origin for Wolverine was actually part of his charm) that got chopped into fertilizer and spread on a field of crapcorn. However, as mad as I was at the treatment of Logan in this bomb, it was nothing compared to the way Deadpool was molested. Talk about unfair treatment. There is another character whom I felt got worse treatment (we’ll talk about him when I get to his worst movie) but this one almost took the cake. Also, could they have miscast Gambit more? The only way they could have done worse is if they had cast him with a one legged Asian woman. Again, read the damned comic once or twice. (Deadpool image courtesy of the Marvel Comic t shirt category)
5. Ghost Rider-so Nicholas Cage is supposed to be a massive Ghost Rider fan, right? To the point that has a Ghost Rider tattoo. As a fan, wouldn’t you think he would at some point look at the script and say something like “Hey, you guys are kind of taking a great comic book character and making him into total crap”? I know I would. The story sucked, the back story sucked, and the fact that they couldn’t decide if they were doing Golden Age Ghost Rider, 90’s Ghost Rider, or Spirits of Vengeance sucked. Also, what the hell was the deal of him only being able to manifest at night? Where did that come from? Sounds like a convenient plot device designed to add drama and tension in place of an actually good script. Also, Johnny Blaze was blond.
4. Spiderman 3-I can sum up this movie in three words: emo Peter Parker. However, we can also talk about how one of the most amazing origin/conflict stories of all time, Venom, was compressed and mutilated into a five minute line to introduce yet another villain into an already sub-moronic script. Sorry, but the real Venom story could be a four hour two part movie. They did it for Harry Potter and Kill Bill. Then they stuck Harry Osborne onto a flying snowboard with no Goblin mask. The only villain that didn’t make me hurl was Sandman. I thought he was kind of cool, and would have been great as the solo villain. Also, Sam Raimi, I will always love you for the Evil Dead I and II, but burn in hell for making me listen to Kirsten Dunst sing.
3. Green Lantern-if you want to get a more detailed description of my issues with this film, check out the review I did for it a couple months back. However, this is yet another example of death by bad casting. Ryan Reynolds should focus on playing sleazy low life losers and leave the super heroes to people for whom acting is more than smirking at the camera. Plus the story sucked, they more or less glossed over the whole training and Green Lantern Corps business, and the villain was about as threatening as a big rain cloud coming at you. Yes, I put this movie as stupider than Spiderman 3, if only because Spiderman had one villain who was semi cool.
2. Catwoman-did the creative control people at DC have some kind of brain aneurysm and forget that Catwoman was a secondary semi-villain and love interest to Batman, not a resurrected crime fighter? I know, I said no secondary characters, but this movie sucked so bad I can’t let it pass. Also, if any of the X-Men movies taught us anything, it’s that Hallie Barry is not suited to being a super-anything and should focus on movies where she can show her breasts, like Operation Swordfish and Monsters Ball. Also, I’d like to give this movie a lifetime achievement award for the worst fight choreography of all time. There is no way a girl who weighs about 102 pounds can run onto the prone body of a fully grown man and ride him like a surfboard across a floor no matter how waxy. The physics just don’t allow it.
1. Batman and Robin-ugh. This dog. OK, this is the movie that in my opinion most destroys a comic book character, and that character is Bane. In the comics he is a super smart criminal from South America who uses drugs to enhance his physical abilities as he fights. In the movie he is just a grunting thug henchmen for Poison Ivy. Sorry, but if you are going to have Bane a movie you can only do the Breaking the Bat story line. Also, this movie proves the fact that there is such a thing a villain over saturation in a film. The greatest thing about Batman is not so much Batman the crime fighter as it is the amazing Rogues Gallery he has to fight against. Bane, Poison Ivy, Mr. Freeze; any of these have fascinating stories that could be fleshed out into a great film alone. However, Hollywood whore Joel Schumacher was literally meeting with toy manufacturers during production to see how many different toys he could shove into this farce, so I guess the more villains the more action figures, right? It is a sad state of affairs when I have to say the villain I liked the best was Mr. Freeze, as Arnold did an absolutely horrid job of it but was slightly less intolerable than any of the others. Also, what the hell was the deal with him needing diamonds to fuel his suit? Possible the worst and most unnecessary plot device of all time. Diamonds are an inert material, and there isn’t any stretch of science or science fiction short of cold fusion that implies they could be used for power in any way. Furthermore, assuming such technology actually existed, you can buy industrial grade and artificial diamonds by the pound that are in all ways chemically identical to jewelers diamonds. What, because Mr. Freeze creates ice we had to have him motivated by something else clear? It is literally insulting. I could go on listing issues here (Bat-nipples, implied homoeroticism (not a problem, but this was never a thing in the comic), guys skating on ice but clearly on rollerblades, etc.), but will instead wrap up by saying this movie killed the Batman franchise for eight years and won 11 Razzie awards. Nice job, Joel.
I have what may or may not be considered a date tomorrow night, and the girl wants to see a movie, so with luck I will have something new to review soon. Without luck I will have to sit through One Day again and probably kill myself on the way home by sucking on my car tailpipe. More movies coming out this weekend, including Warrior, Contagion, and Bucky Larson, so I should have some good stuff coming up. By the way, if any of you have a clue how to get invited to see movies early as a reviewer post something here or send me a message @Nerdkungfu (you can follow me too if you like).
