Nerd Movie Reviews

Parker Review

Same movie, different poster

I think we need two different movie rating scales in our society. The first would be for all the normal movies, with things like Argo at the top and and Jack and Jill at the bottom. The second would be exclusively for Jason Statham movies. You see, his movies kind of defy qualification when compared to other movies. They are usually awful, but weirdly fun and entertaining. Kind of like picking at a big scab. It hurts, and you know you are just going to bleed again and you will probably end up with a worse scar, but you just can’t help yourself.

On the Jason Statham scale of movie judging, Parker is not particularly good. Statham films are usually pretty thin on story, plot, character development, believable action, and acting challenges for Jason but this one is diaphanous to the point of invisibility. I can’t help but feel like this film was either written or directed by a bubble baby; someone who as never actually seen a movie but has had them described to them. I’d also say that the person doing the describing must come from France or some other country that has contempt for American culture as every bad American stereotype possible is trotted out and held up for ridicule.

That’s probably not fair. The screenplay writer also wrote Black Swan and worked on Carnivale (great series if you don’t mind stories getting shut down incomplete). The director did Ray and the Devil’s Advocate. Both of them seem qualified. Perhaps they watched a Stratham marathon as prep and realized that actually putting effort into this project would be an exercise in futility. Or maybe the studios have been studying Stratham films for a while and realize that a certain amount of suck equals box office success (if so, fail deluxe. Parker netted $7MM first weekend and cost $30MM to make).

The story. I’m going to do a quick one sentence summary to see if this sounds like any other Jason Statham movies: Jason Statham plays a criminal with a code of ethics who is betrayed by less moral criminals and spends the rest of the film seeking revenge with the aid of a super hot girl. Sounds like about 326% of them if you count all the movies he is likely to to do in the next ten years. The longer version is Jason plays Parker, an expert armed robber (or safe cracker, or martial artist, or something. There’s nothing in this film he’s not good at except Texan accents). He hires on with a crew of American stereotypes (bald sociopathic head villain (Michael Chiklis-Spirited Away, the Commish, the Shield), fat black sidekick (Wendell Pierce-Ray, Horrible Bosses, the Wire), the hillbilly white trash gadget expert (Clifton Collins, Jr.-Star Trek 2009, Tigerland, the Mindhunters), and the greasy mafia goomba (Michah Hauptman-Iron Man, A Bag of Hammers, S.W.A.T. Firefight). Geez, did they turn past the forth page of the Stereotype Spotters Handbook?). He was introduced to them by his girlfriends father Hurley (Nick Nolte-Cape Fear, the Thin Red Line, Warrior). His girlfriend (Emma Booth-Blood Creek, the Boys are Back, Introducing the Dwights) is some kind of trauma nurse or something. Anyway, the crew robs the Ohio State Fair (white trash stereotypse a go go) and uses a fire vehicle to escape. During the robbery Parker tells a bunch of witnesses his rules for robbing people, which if you have seen the trailer you know already.

Anyway, during the ride out the head villain offers Parker a chance at a bigger job. Parker bows out, so they shoot him to keep his part of the loot. Parker survives and walks out of the hospital with two bullet wounds, uses some trivial detective techniques (anyone watching this film notice how the entire plot would shrivel up and die if the bar owner Parker interrogates for 30 seconds said “Orlando” instead of “West Palm”, thus saving the life of his brother) to figure out where the next job is going to be. Once he arrives in West Palm Beach Florida he gets struggling real estate broker Leslie (Jennifer Lopez-Out of Sight, Maid in Manhattan, Monster-in-Law) to help him find the crew. By the way, at this point in the movie my ears started to bleed listening to Jason Statham try to do a Texas accent. Bring ear plugs.

Leslie figures out that Jason isn’t from Texas (a three year old could have figured that out) and inserts herself into the plan for a cut. The bad guys are going to rob some jewelry using a fire truck (hey, if it was exciting the first time it has to be exciting the second time, right? Coming up with new plot devices is a pain). Jason, in spite of two bullet wounds, two stab wounds, and who knows what else manages to shoot, stab, and bludgeon his way to righteous revenge. (sorry if that was a bit of a spoiler, but if by this point in the movie you hadn’t figured out how the plot was going to go I’m surprised you can even read.  Wicked Smart image courtesy of the Funny T-Shirts category).

The stars. In spite of being the movie equivalent of chewing on packing foam, I can’t deny there is something fun about Statham movies. One star. JLo is super easy on the eyes and managed to deliver the only credible performance in the film (although that might be greatly enhanced by the mediocrity of the rest of the cast). One star. The comic relief character (Leslie’s mom. Patti LuPone-the Heist, Driving Miss Daisy, Witness) was everything one could hope for in an action movie comic relief character: funny, appropriate, and brief. One star. If you are a fan of Jason Stathams monotone English character this film will fill your cup. One star. Total: four stars.

The black holes. All the problems associated with most Statham movies: weak story, one dimensional characters, and Jasons Terminator-like ability to take a lickin’ and keep on tickin’. Two black holes. Excitement through repetition. One black hole. Milking the stereotype cow dry. I understand that a lot of these films make their money in foreign markets and those markets like to laugh at Americans but if you are going to debut and hope to make money here consider your primary audience. As an American watching the filmakers make fun of Americans to make Chinese audiences laughs makes me want to find them and give them a wedgie that stretches up over the back of their head and covers their eyes (in high school that was called a “covered wagon”. Very painful). One black hole. A house of cards style plot that only seemed to advance through the most tenuous of random coincidences. One black hole. Total: five black holes.

A grand total of one black hole. Should you see this? I’m going to say yes for the same reason I say to a good friend “Smell this” after opening a bottle of rancid pickled eggs. There is definitely stuff to entertain you, and if your movie standards are low enough you should really enjoy it. However, if you are the type to punch your “smell this” friend then perhaps you should give it a pass. In spite of being an action film there isn’t anything I would say needs to be seen on a big screen so NetFlix the hell out of it. Date movie? Probably not. Nothing in here is likely to put your date off unless she is truly a delicate flower but her respect for you might suffer a bit when she sees your taste in film. Bathroom break? There isn’t much in here that is critical to your understanding of the plot, so take your pick. I’d say the scene where Leslie is running around showing Parker houses feels like a clip of Cribs inserted randomly into the film and could readily be missed.

Thanks for reading. I finally saw Lincoln and am working up a review for it. More to see soon. I’m also seeing a midnight showing of Warm Bodies and am excited about it. Looks cool. Feel free to post comments on this film or my review at the bottom of this page (if you don’t see a comment section click here). Off topic questions and questions can be emailed to [email protected]. Follow me on Twitter @Nerdkungfu. Talk to you soon.

Dave

 

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