The Counselor Movie Review
WTF?
And I’m not talking about the last part of the week. There is an ugly trend in my movie going life in that directors that I used to love when I was just an avid casual movie viewer are losing their luster as I see every film and realize that even the greats are capable of producing crap. Robert Rodriguez, Luc Besson, and even to a lessor extent Martin Scorsese (he should have never gotten involved in the Family even as a producer) have fallen prey to my current film perspective. So far only Quentin Tarantino has proven immune to this (for obvious reasons).
My love of Ridley Scott took a hard punch to the nuts when I realized I didn’t like Prometheus. However, one bad film is not enough to turn me off on a director. Neither is two, but two in a row is a bad trend. This film is not No Country for Old Men. It is not even the Road. It is a prosaic collection of mind numbing dialog and impossible to follow plot twists within plot twists. I’ve seen unnecessarily convoluted before, but this makes those look like they were drawn on a wall with a laser level. I think a director should see some kind of warning sign when you are introducing characters with a back story and development in the last 15 minutes of the film.
Weirdly enough, in spite of the fact that the story was impossible to follow the actual events couldn’t have been more telegraphed if the audience had had Western Union deliver a script a week before viewing. One of the main-ish characters tells a the main dude that he is going to get into trouble being involved with the Mexican drug cartel and sure enough, bad things happen. He tells a story about a horrible execution device in foreshadowing as dark as a mime’s heart and sure enough, we get to see it happen. Predictable doesn’t begin to describe it.
Speaking of stories, if you like characters telling long, rambling tales and dispensing inane homey wisdom at the drop of a hat this is the movie for you. The only reason to like Michael Fassbinders character is he is the only one who is not constantly going off on weird ass irrelevant dialog tangents that do nothing for the story other than clog it down. I spent most of the film struggling to figure out what the hell was going on and having every character tell another creepy sex or dog story made it like trying to untangle a huge ball of yarn while wearing boxing gloves.
Sigh. Acting was pretty good, but that is probably the result of the individual actors talent. Ridley told Cameron Diaz to play a bitchy, sexy, double crossing sociopath and she was able to do it. Fassbinder was told to be a lame tool in over his head and like magic the character appeared. The massively talented cast helped make this film more bearable, but not more watchable.
This film felt like Ridley Scott had a secret, more coherent script in his head that only he could see or understand. That is the only explanation I can think of for the disjointed, incoherent plot. There are twists within twists, and for the life of me I still can’t figure out who the bad guys were supposed to be. Major characters are introduced willy nilly only to die off or vanish into the ether. If you are a fan of knowing what the hell is going on I’d say this is not the movie for you.
The story recap may be my biggest challenge since I started doing these reviews. I didn’t understand a lot of it, and there is a lot of detail to remember. If being confused annoys you skip ahead to the stars and black holes.
The Counselor (no name in the credits, which I find annoying like The Voice or The Kid in Getaway. I am going to just call him Fassbinder, which ironically is more letters to type then Counselor but infinitely less on my jock. Oh, yeah. Michael Fassbinder-X-Men First Class, Prometheus, Inglorious Basterds) is in bed with his hot girlfriend Laura (Penélope Cruz-Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides, Blow, Vanilla Sky) having creepy sex (this pattern would continue for most of the time the two of them got together. Most of the scenes with the two of them sounded like a soft core phone sex operator). He needs a lot of money for some reason (?) and hooks up with old friend and sort of gangster Reiner (Javier Bardem-No Country for Old Men, Skyfall, the Sea Inside), who does something (??) for an unnamed Mexican Cartel. Reiner has a super hot and blatantly evil (I mean more evil than all women are intrinsically. Not that I’m bitter) girlfriend named Malkina (Cameron Diaz-There’s Something About Mary, Shrek, Gangs of New York) who by his own admission is super sexy, super smart, and super evil. She is doing something for Reiner with computer screens (???) and seems to know everything about his business. Fassbinder wants to get in on the drug trade and apparently can for a certain amount of money (?x4. How does this work? Don’t drug dealers get paid by the buyers, not douchy lawyers who don’t do anything but answer the phone?)
Anyway, all the drugs are loaded into a sewage truck and drive from Mexico (I guess) to Chicago (with Arizona plates. Who transports sewage thousands of miles?). They make a stop and remove some kind of critical driving component (?x5). Meanwhile Fassbinder meets with Ruth (Rosie Perez-White Men Can’t Jump, Pineapple Express, Won’t Back Down), some kind of local crime queenpin (?x6) who he is representing for some offense. She asks him to get her son out of jail for a speeding ticket at 206 MPH on a bike. He does and it turns out the son is a crime courier who gets the secret truck component and hides it in his helmet.
Fassbinder hooks up with Westray (Brad Pitt-Fight Club, World War Z, Inglorious Basterds), who does something (?x7) for the drug guys (or someone). Maybe money laundering. About 800 people tell Fassbinder he is in over his head and bad things are going happen eventually.
Some dude who works for someone (?x8) stretches a wire across the road and cuts off Ruth’s sons head to get the mystery truck component. He and another dude steal the truck. Fassbinder, Reiner, and Westray are now in trouble with the bad guys (who are who, exactly? We never see anyone other than the henchman). Things seem to fall apart fast. Some other dudes who work for what sounds like the original drug cartel (maybe. ?x9 I guess) steal the truck in a highway robbery. They repair the truck and send it to Chicago where it ends up where it was supposed to go in the first place I think.
Reiner gets killed in a botched kidnapping. Westray is seduced by a hot blond girl (maybe. The never showed any details) who steals the one password to all his money accounts and gives it to Malkina, who may or may not be behind this whole mess. He gets his head cut off while Fassbinder is trying to find a way to save a kidnapped Laura. Lots of loose ends are left flying while a few get resolved sort of. Honestly it’s all really confusing and would require a couple more viewings to really understand, something I am most definitely not willing to do.
The Stars:
Acting was good all around. Two stars. Camera work and editing about as flawless as one would expect from a truly amazing director. One star. Cameron Diaz looks super hot as a conniving evil bitch. Also she had a really sexy tattoo. One star. Total: four stars.
The black holes:
OMG confusing as hell. Who was stealing from whom? Where are the actual villains? What jobs do any of these guys do? How did any of the characters to any of the stuff they did? Why was in necessary to show Fassbinder flying to Amsterdam to buy the world’s sexiest diamond for his engagement ring to Laura? Three black holes. Boring as hell. IMDB should be ashamed to classify this as Crime/Drama/Thriller as the only thing thrilling in this thing was…actually nothing was thrilling in here. What very limited action there was was perfunctory at best. Lots of scenes of slow moving sewage trucks traveling along dirt roads. Two black holes. Listening to the dialog was like trying to set the world record for eating sawdust; boring, tasteless, and completely without nutritional value. I never want to hear anyone tell any kind of story ever again. Two black holes. In spite of running a grinding 117 minutes it felt like about 100 minutes of expository scenes landed on the cutting room floor. I guess explaining to the audience what the deal is runs second to listening to a wise man tell Fassbinder about a Mexican poet in a 10 minute conversation that can be summed up with the words “You’re screwed”. This film felt weirdly long and short at the same time. One black hole. Rated R and no real nudity. Throw me a frickin’ bone here, people. Give me something more than side boob please. One black hole. Characters popped up and disappeared like the world’s largest Wack-a-Mole. Was it really necessary to give them all a back story and character development? One black hole. What the hell was the deal with the truck component? It looked like you could fix that truck with some baling wire and chewing gum, and if the truck couldn’t drive without the mystery grommet why send it hundreds of miles away by Speedy Delivery Guy? Sorry but that point is really grinding my gears (haw!). Also if the bad guys knew where the truck was couldn’t they have just towed it, or transferred the drugs to another truck? Why no guards on your $20,000,000 worth of cocaine? One black hole. A bunch of other dumb plot holes that might not have seemed so huge had I a clue who was doing what and why. One black hole. Who the hell was Ruth? One black hole. Predicable as the tides. One black hole. The overall message (getting involved with a Mexican drug cartel is a bad idea) was about as obvious and impactful as saying giving yourself a Ghost Pepper Sauce enema is a bad idea. One black hole. Total: 15 black holes.
Wow. 11 total black holes. This might be my worst movie so far this year. It is definitely my most disappointing. Watching a massive collection of talent such as Ridley Scott, Cormac McCarthy, Michael Fassbinder, and Cameron Diaz get together and s&*% the bed is 100,000 times more disappointing than watching Adam Sandler create another comedy a-bomb. It’s like meeting the Tooth Fairy, Santa Claus, and the Easter Bunny in a dark alley and having them curb stomp you and steal your shoes. Worth seeing at all? If following a plot is a secondary goal (or you are some kind of super genius) I suppose. It is pretty and the acting is good. 
If you are going because you love Cormac McCarthy movies you should immediately seek psychological counseling (haw!) but honestly this film will only hurt your love of his work (image courtesy of the funny t-shirt category). I’m going to counsel you to stay away (haw again! I’m on a roll tonight). Date movie? Only if your date is super smart and likes to show you how much better she is at figuring out movie plots or super dumb and used to being confused at movies. If she is in the 85-130 IQ range no way. Bathroom break? This film is so confusing there is not a single scene that would further damage your comprehension by missing so go nuts. There is some resolution in the last 20 minutes so I’d say go in the first 97 minutes. Any time you see the sewage truck is a good time (and possible inspiration).
Thanks for reading. This is one where I hope I can help you not have a bad evening. Follow me on Twitter @Nerdkungfu. If you think I am an idiot or agree with my assessment feel free to comment here, and if you have an off topic suggestion, question, or death threat feel free to email me at [email protected]. Have a great night.
Dave
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