Nerd Movie Reviews

Dracula Untold Review Part 2

The PG-13 action was particularly galling.  Somehow Hollywood has come to the conclusion that if they mash all the action into an incomprehensible scrum of quick cuts and uber dense CGI shots we the audience might not notice that no one seems to be bleeding or losing significant anatomy.  The veins of every casualty in this film could have been filled with Kool Aid as far as I could tell and on the rare occasion they were forced to show blood (you know, that pesky vampire drinking thing) it looks like the props guy ran down to the nearest Napa Auto Parts as it all had the consistency and color of 10/40 motor oil.  Black and viscous.  All this to cater to the kiddie winks.  Let me clue you parents in on something.  Your kids have no business being at a movie about Dracula or anyone who’s nickname is “the Impaler”.  In fact I think your kids should be at home watching Barney videos until the day they turn 18 and then join the army (either that or locked in the Skinner box of your choice.  Thanks, dad.  Dracula image courtesy of the horror movie t shirt collection).

The plot holes were numerous and annoying.  So the dark, head vampire is trapped in a cave at the top of Broken Tooth mountain and can never leave, yet somehow managed to sustain himself on human blood for centuries and decorate his home in a skull and broken bone motif like he found the legendary Ikea “Desecrated Corpse” collection.  Um, how did he get all those fools up to his dark and foreboding man hole?  Vlad had to literally free climb a cliff but the vamp ate a battalion of Turkish scouts the week before.  Was there an escalator on the other side of the mountain with a sign adverting great hot wings Vlad didn’t know about?  So the vamp is trapped in the cave until he finds some sucker to take on his “curse” of immortality, super speed, super strength, and the ability to transform into a swarm of bats (um, can someone email the definition of the word curse to the writers please).  Gee, how about the hundreds of skulls you have been playing bocce ball with for centuries?  Surely one of them at one time was inside the head of a living human who might be willing to live forever, freeing you of your imprisonment.

Incidentally, do you know how long it takes to mobilize a medieval army of 100,000 men and march them from Turkey to Transylvania?  If so can you write Legendary Pictures and tell them because they seem to think it can be done in three days.  Also if you are doing a historical movie about the Turkish army it is OK to have them look Turkish, not like a Aryan Army rally.  They are so afraid of offending the Turks (and by extension the Muslims) that most of the Turkish cast looked like they rounded up a collection of A&F models.  The film also couldn’t seem to decide on an accent for any part of the late 14th century subjecting us to American, British, Russian, very indeterminate Arabic, and at one point I swear German.  The casting director clearly just wanted accents and didn’t care what kind.  I wish someone who spoke fluent Klingon had applied.

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