Star Trek Retrospective: Episode 65 Plato’s Stepchildren
“This shield will come in handy when my phaser is fully charged in public, if you know what I mean.”
This one made number 6 on my list of 10 worst TOS episodes and for good reason. Sure, it had the very first televised interracial kiss but except for that the story was kind of crap. Also the kiss was Kirk and as much a fan as I am of him I can’t help but think that was just grabbing the low hanging fruit. If they really wanted to blow some minds they should have had him kiss Spock.
Here’s the biggest thing that bugs me about that story. McCoy figures out that kironide gave the Platonians their telekinetic powers and Kirk has himself and Spock injected with it. They are able to defeat Parmen and the others and then…forget about the kironide deal? No mention of it was made in the next episode. Wouldn’t that be a discovery worthy of a little more research? Or perhaps strip mine the planet down to the core to collect every gram of kironide and create a legion of super TK guys to give the enemies of the Federation what for? Did the kironide wear off by the time Kirk got sped up in A Wink of an Eye or did he and Spock just think it not sportsmanlike to use? Sorry but it really bugged me.
Also while it is amusing and funny to hear Shatner sing/speak Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds there is no way Spock should ever comprimise his dignity by singing. Most of the things that bug me in Star Trek start when they make Spock act completely out of his established (and very cool) character. Yes I’m looking at you, JJ Abrams.
The image, by the way, comes from the many TOS Star Trek T-shirts in our collection. Did Kirk, McCoy, and Spock keep their gifts?
Dave
That Awkward Moment Review
A chick flick with an all chick cast. Reports of a possible Y chromosome were greatly exaggerated.
Regular readers of my blog will know that I often times use it to bitch about my dating life and lament the difficulties encountered while wooing the fairer sex but honestly I don’t often reflect on the issues faced by single women swimming in the dating pool. This movie completely changed that for me because if the the three Manpons that are the main characters in this film are the barometer of what a hot, eligible single guy is then you girls are in a dating hell I can’t even begin to imagine, and the sad part is I suspect most of you don’t even realize it.
Image courtesy of the That Awkward Moment Official Site
I know I am still developmentally disadvantaged when it comes to being attractive to women but I could write a PhD thesis on all other things manly. I’m not talking about killing bears with a sharpened stick (gave that up years ago) and excreting testosterone through my sweat glands at the gym but rather things like comportment, civility, honor, and honesty. I know how a man should act and these guys act like horny catty jr. high school girls.
This is one of those rare films wherein the director seems to be testing the audience to see how much he can make us hate each and every character in it. The “male” characters feel like they were written by women on a lost Amazonian island who had never met a man but only had them described by a visiting cabal of lesbians and ex strippers. The female characters all have the word “doormat” branded into their foreheads and seem ready to forgive any sin as long as it is committed by a guy as hot as Zac Efron. It is a study in caricatures that would embarrass Mad Magazine and I think I can save you all a lot more reading by summing it up with one statement:
“The best part? Seeing Miles Teller (or his stuntman, but one can dream) getting hit by a car. The worst part? The entire rest of the movie.”
To be fair this is one of those films that is going to roast on the BBQ of hate fueled by my own dating bitterness but honestly I think if I were as good looking and successful with the ladies as Zac Efron I would still see this as a crap movie. I’m kind of perplexed as to whom this movie is being marketed to. Guys will hate it because the three characters have about as much to do with maleness as a hot dog eating contest has to do with balanced nutrition and women will hate it because the three main characters are so reprehensible that they should have been stuffed in a sack and dropped in the river like a bunch of unwanted kittens (except I would never in a million years hurt a kitten). They are every woman’s worst dating nightmare and 10 minutes of regret and redemption at the end of the film does not make up for the fact that you just spent the previous 84 minutes wishing this was the intro of Contagion and all of them (and the supporting characters) were destined to die a horrible twitching death.
In looking over his filmography I suppose it’s fair to say I have not be kind to Zac Efron’s career but for Heaven’s sake throw me a fricken’ bone here dude! New Years Day? The Lorax? The only thing on it that looks remotely more pleasant than replacing your contact lenses with little circles of sandpaper are a couple of episodes of Robot Chicken. I honestly believe you capable of being a decent actor. How about finding a script that can prove it?
Before I get into the meat of this review I want to make one more observation. The writer/director of this flick has not a single writing or directing credit to his name prior. How exactly did he get the studio to give him a budget? He has one producer credit for Movie 43 but that’s it. IMDB empty. I’m honestly curious. I have no directing credits but have written hundreds of reviews. Can I get a job as a writer and/or director? If all you need is this dross I can type out stream of consciousness for a couple hours and film good looking guys who need a shave getting laid in situations that porn movie directors would think too ridiculous to use.
I know the story recap is going to bug the crap out of me so I’m going to do it Speedy Gonzales style. If you really need a recap read the first 15 articles you find from Penthouse Forum but stop before you get to anything remotely good or interesting. Two sexual predators and a wimpy loser are best friends from college. Jason (Zac Efron-the Lorax, the Lucky One, New Years Eve) and Daniel (Miles Teller-Footloose, Project X, 21 and Over) are artists who design women’s book covers and go out every night looking for cheap sex. The loser Mikey (Michael B. Jordan-Fruitvale Station, Chronicle, Hard Ball) is an ER doctor who’s super hot wife Vera (Jessica Lucas-Cloverfield, She’s the Man, Evil Dead) is sleeping with another guy and wants a divorce. The three of them swear to remain single together (apparently forever. No time limit was discussed).
They go trolling for chicks and Jason meets and hooks up with Ellie (Imogen Poots-V for Vendetta, 28 Weeks Later, Fright Night). In a situation that would seem ridiculous in a French sex comedy he comes to the conclusion that she is secretly a hooker and is about to charge him for the sex and bails out. That day he finds out she works for the publisher of the book he is about to do the cover for and specifically not a hooker. He charms her with his wit and looks and they start going out, although for the sake of his oath he has to pretend they are not dating.
Meanwhile Daniel has abandoned his usual plan known as “lying to chicks to get laid” and begins hooking up with his good friend Chelsea (Mackenzie Davis-Breathe In, the F Word, Smashed) but also in the interest of their dumb oath hides the fact from the other two wastes of oxygen. She is apparently a super enabler with the self esteem of a high school cheerleader and is totally cool that he is a complete scuz.
Mikey is taking his divorce hard and tries to work things out with Vera to the point of sleeping with her again but again due to the oath can’t say anything to his compadres and therefore tells them all he is sleeping with random floozies, a statement they treat with the relish one would normally reserve for someone announcing that they had cured cancer.
At that point it’s pretty much Sex in the City with penises (maybe). Jason and Daniel treat their women with the respect of a used tissue and Mikey treats the woman who betrayed his trust and slept around on him like his queen. Jason does some romantic stuff but screws up when he fails to show up at Ellies fathers funeral in fear that she will think there is more going on than is really going on (as a note to the writer of this flesh eating virus I and any human with a soul would go to the funeral of a parent of anyone I considered a friend, much less shared DNA with. It’s moments like this that really drive home the hate nails in the coffin that is this review).
In the last 10 minutes (um, spoiler alert I guess, but if you really want to see this and be “surprised” by how it ends let me know how life is in the suck dimension) everyone reverses themselves. Daniel opts to become a committed boyfriend, Mikey decides that his life actually is better as a man slut who sleeps with a roster of women, and Jason makes himself uncomfortable for a couple hours to prove to Ellie that he can be committed or something. The fact that all three of these douches reverses themselves and ends up on opposites sides of good guy/man whore debate once again completely proves that this film has no message or meaning and invalidates any concept you might have had that there was something to be gained by having watched it.
The stars.
There is a moment where Miles Teller gets hit by a taxi cab Joe Black style that was very amusing and a much needed relief from the pressure of my impending aneurism. One star. All the women were hot (at least in the face. More on that later) and in particular I would like to invite Jessica Lucas to be my wife or at least spend the weekend chained to my radiator. One star. Umm. That’s pretty much it. If I thought the film had more value I would find stuff like “It was filmed in full Technicolor!” but obviously I am not feeling that generous. Two stars total.
The black holes.
You will hate every one of these characters, man or woman, with the passion you have for the man who killed your entire family, stole your parking space, or has torn the labels off all your mattresses. Most movies try to make at least one of the characters sympathetic in order for the audience to connect with him or her but obviously this director thinks audience connection is for amateurs. Two black holes. The “comedy” in the rom-com was stilted, hackneyed, and recycled cliches that had very little humor. 
Penis jokes aplenty (most of which make this wiener dog shirt look Shakespearean in comparison. Image courtesy of the Cheap T Shirt category). Two black holes. The romance in the rom-com felt like it was written by a team of 13 year old boys and 8 year old girls. A little surreal to be honest. One black hole. Because this film had three separate stories no one really felt like the real one and consequently this film had no real beginning, middle, or end. It just bumbled from situation to situation like a bulimic at a buffet with restrooms on every wall. One black hole. It’s got to be bad for me to even notice but the soundtrack and background music literally sounded like it was lifted from 90’s porn. One black hole. If you are male this film will cause your testicles to shrink and be reabsorbed into your body. One black hole. If you are female this film will reinforce every negative stereotype you have about men and in the end make you much more difficult to date, a disaster I put up there with the Hindenburg and Titanic in gravity. If there is one thing I don’t need it’s something making women harder to date. One black hole. Rated R for content and some brief male nudity is the biggest waste of film ever. Dude, dinosaurs had to die to make that film. If you are going to get an R rating because your characters talk about their dicks all day it’s OK to drop the occasional F bomb and maybe show a boob or (dare I dream it?) two. One black hole. In the end a dreary, witless waste of time desperately in need of a fast forward button. Pointless. Two black holes. Total: twelve black holes.
A grand score of 10 black holes. A crap score for a crap movie, yet not bad enough to knock the Legend of Hercules off it’s worst film of the year so far throne. Is there anything worth seeing here? No, not really unless Zac Efron really turns you on and you dream of one day seeing him planking naked penis down on a toilet with a Viagra overdoes (I seriously wish I were joking by the way). YouTube the clip of Miles Teller getting hit by the car and you literally have no reason to see this film entirely. It’s a chick flick that honestly I think chicks will hate. Date movie? Only if this is the last movie on the planet. Even then consider watching the sun set (someone once told me that’s romantic but I’m not sure I believe them) or your clock second hand tick by. Bathroom break? Your options are limitless.
Thanks for reading. I did finally see the Dallas Buyers Club and will probably write it up tomorrow. It will contrast this film in every way if only because it was watchable. Please follow me on Twitter @Nerdkungfu. If you have a comment on this film post them here and off topic questions or suggestions can be sent to [email protected]. Thanks and have a great day.
Dave
Star Trek Retrospective: Episode 67 the Empath
This is another episode that was banned by the BBC for sadistic elements and I don’t necessarily disagree with them. It seems an alien race capable of transportation technology would be capable of creating some kind of VR or cloning creatures for their torture tests. How about using some of the other millions of inhabitants of the Gem’s world rather than shanghai some hapless scientists and our favorite command crew? Sounds way more fair. Also Gem’s planet is one of several inhabited worlds in the system but no one seems to be shedding any tears about the other planets. Where they all inhabited by flatulence monsters?
All that being said I do like this episode a lot if only because it shows the incredible loyalty that Kirk, Spock, and McCoy had for each other. Like I said in a very personal Star Trek post earlier most everything I learned as a kid about honor and loyalty I got from TOS and this episode taught me a lot about how to be a friend.
Also Gem (the lovely Kathryn Hays) was drop dead gorgeous and couldn’t speak at all. The perfect woman, right? And I wonder why I have trouble in my dating life. (problem solved image courtesy of the Funny T Shirt category) She was a regular on As the World Turns and Guiding Light, but honestly my mom only watched Days of Our Lives so I never got to see her perform. Since she didn’t speak in this episode for all I know she had a high helium squeaky dolphin voice. That might have been a little weird.
Dave
Jack Ryan: Shadow Recruit
What’s the deal with all the Jack movies?
Image courtesy of the Official Jack Ryan: Shadow Recruit website.
Yes, this is what I was thinking about as I left the theater. It seems if there were a Baby Name Book for movies the first 60 pages would all be Jack over and over again with the last 10 pages all being variations on “dead”, “night”, “house”, and “love” (read what you will of me from that selection of words). Jack Reacher, Jack and Jill, Jack and the Giant Slayer, Percy Jackson, Kangaroo Jack, You Don’t Know Jack, and my own personal favorite: Jack Reed: Monster Slayer. I’m sure there is some logical, marketed demographic reason for this having to do with a strong one syllable masculine name that ends on a hard -k sound that is supposed to appeal to Americans but based on what I see I would not discount the possibility that Hollywood is overburdened with uncreative bozos who just feed off each other like a human centipede sewn into a circle. (Samurai Jack is the only media Jack worthy of the name. Image courtesy of the TV Show T Shirt category)
Also, does Hollywood never learn from their mistakes? Name a movie with a relatively unknown generic male name that has done well. Remember John Carter and Jack Reacher? Tank city. I might call this borderline stupid if we were talking about different studios and genres, but Jack Reacher and Jack Ryan are both from Paramount and both involve super capable white males doing spy-ish stuff. That goes beyond the pale of stupidity into functionally brain dead zone.
As for the myth that the name Jack Ryan was supposed to be recognized enough to put asses in seats I can tell you that I am 44, have seen all the other John Clancy movies, and couldn’t have told you who the hell Jack Ryan is supposed to be. When I see that name I think Saving Private Ryan and I can promise you that anyone younger than me not only doesn’t know but doesn’t give a crap who he is. Honestly a title like “Super Awesome Spy Guy: Shadow Recruit” would have been 100 times better.
I’ve read a couple Tom Clancy novels and they can be summed up as follows: America rules and the rest of the world sucks and hates us for it. This is the kind of pap that really appeals to white Americans in the flyover states and as such this movie is a tremendous success. Never before has America been more awesome (or whiter. I’ve seen more racial diversity in a gallery of marble statues. The only black guy in the whole thing gets killed early on trying to murder Jack. There was an Asian girl but she had like two lines and spent most of the time working a computer. Stereotype much?) or more threatened by our old nemesis, those dastardly Russians. Look, I’m an American and proud of it but that doesn’t mean I think we are flawless and I resent what I really see as being pandered to. It’s OK for another country to not suck and hate us IMO.
There is another problem I’m seeing in these spy novels adapted to movies and that is the stories are generally so complex that it is nigh impossible to not have gaping plot holes unless you want to add two hours of expository scenes. Clear and Present danger really didn’t have these problems, nor did the Hunt for Red October but in both cases they weren’t really spy movies. I’m just saying as soon as you go spy the need to stay under six hours hurts the continuity of the film.
I also don’t want to give you the idea that I thought this movie was bad. It wasn’t great, but if you want to be entertained by a slightly more complex story, are willing to swallow a plot hole or two, don’t feel the need to have most of the connecting plot explained to you, and have ever pleasured yourself to a picture of a hot girl wrapped in an American flag and caught yourself looking at the flag more than the girl this movie will be right up your alley. For all it’s title failure it is a functional movie and will succeed in it’s goal of entertaining you for a couple hours (Feel free to use that quote as a blurb on the back of your DVD release Paramount. “It is a functional movie and will succeed in it’s goal of entertaining you for a couple hours.” -TheNerdBlog)
The story. Jack Ryan (Chris Pine-Star Trek (bleh), Rise of the Guardians, This Means War) is going to school for his PhD in economics when 9-11 happens and he joins the Marines. His helicopter gets shot down and he spends months in rehab. While there a shadowy CIA guy name Thomas Harper (Kevin Costner-Field of Dreams, Dances with Wolves, Waterworld (am I the only one who kind of liked that movie?)) recruits him to be a financial analyst looking for terrorist holdings on Wall Street. Meanwhile he falls in love with the hottest optometrist ever (sorry Cindy. You are very hot) and they get engaged (Keira Knightley-the whole Pirates of the Caribbean series, Pride and Prejudice, Laggies (?)).
Jack uncovers some weird discrepancies from a Russian company and Harper sends him off to Moscow to investigate. When he arrives his black bodyguard tries to kill him for no discernible reason and Jack drowns him in a bathtub. The next morning he meets the head of the Russian company Victor Cherevin (Kenneth Branagh-Frankenstein, Henry V, Valkyrie) who seems to have forgotten he ordered Jack killed. Cherevin sold all the companies Jack was there to audit, making his trip worthless. Jack invites him to dinner for no discernible reason.
Back at the hotel he finds his fiance hanging out. Harper tells them the need to work together that night so that Jack can sneak out and steals some data having to do with Cherevin’s nefarious plot. I don’t want to spoil this film so I won’t go into details. At that point Jack goes full on James Bond and is pretending he’s 007 until the last few minutes of the film.
The stars.
I thought Kevin Costner was pretty good. He does the sort-of good, sort-of bad guy well. One star. In terms of what makes a movie there were no obvious defects. Film work, editing, continuity, direction, and pacing were decent. One star for not screwing up I guess. The best part was the fight scenes were totally believable. Jack Ryan is not a super man who can kill a guy with a single punch. His one big fist fight early on with the body guard was brutal and desperate. One star. While the film groaned under the weight of the PG-13 rating the director managed to still make the action worth seeing, something of a serous task. One star. In general not a waste of my time (<–another great box blurb! You are welcome). One star. Total: five stars.
The black holes.
There were a few glaring plot holes that were probably explained in the book but didn’t make it to the screen. Why did the body guard try to kill Jack? Why did they wait until the got to the hotel instead of just driving him to a dark alley and shooting him there? When Jack showed up at Cherevin’s office very much alive why didn’t Cherevin make the logical assumption that Jack killed the guy and is a secret agent? In reality he should have tossed Jack off the building for a unhealthy dose of kinetic energy poisoning. One black hole. Also at one point the bank accounts that the Russians were using totaled over $2,000,000,000.00. The GNP of Russia is $3,261,000,000.00. Do they really think we are going to believe that Russia would dedicate 62% of their entire nations earnings on some hair brained scheme that relies on some emo kid driving a van into a sewer? I’m pretty sure the number in the book was much more reasonable but the producers of this flick decided they needed a more impressive sounding number and that none of the audience would have the intellect to look it up. Glad to prove you wrong jackasses. Anyway, one black hole. The uber American Clancy jingoism is a little hard to take although I walked into the theater looking for it so I might be overly sensitive. I’m not wrong the the lack of racial diversity however. One black hole. Total: three black holes.
A grand total of two stars. I will admit I really held myself back on the black holes. This film didn’t feel like a black hole film but I couldn’t find enough reasons to give it stars. Competently made mediocre pap for white middle class America basically. I’m sure your parents will love it. Should you see it? Meh. If you fit into one of the categories I mentioned previously as being good candidates for liking it sure. You will forget it in short order however. I’d say wait for NetFlix or use it for a chance to spend some time with mom and dad without having to talk to them. Date movie? Another big meh. Chris Pine is pretty hot so you will not be doing yourself any favors once you step into the lobby and she can see you clearly. Bathroom break? There’s a scene towards the end when they are on a plane trying to track down the bad guys. If you can live with the idea that eventually they just find them this would be an opportune moment.
Thanks for reading. Lots more to see so keep checking back. Feel free to follow me on Twitter @NerdKungFu. Leave any comments on this film or my review here, and off topic questions or suggestions can be emailed to [email protected]. Talk to you soon.
Dave
Star Trek Retrospective: Episode 68 Elaan of Troyius
Ah, France Nuyen. You were quite the experience for my pre-teen self. You see our area never had much of an Asian population and until I saw her the only real exposure I had had was to George Takei. Thus I had no idea how exotically beautiful a stunning French-Vietnamese woman could be. Since then I have been rejected by women of every race but there is a special place in my heart for the Eurasian mix.
In a sense this is exactly what Gene Roddenberry intended when he created Star Trek. My father was not the most culturally open person on the planet (cough cough) and as a kid I never really met anyone who wasn’t white or Hispanic. However by seeing the multicultural bridge crew as well as all the guest characters it opened my eyes quite a bit to the possibility that there was more in this world than white people and Mexicans. Whatever cultural awareness and open mindedness I possess today (quite a lot IMO, but honestly you can never really judge yourself on such matters) I ascribe to the positive influence of Star Trek (my “good” father).
Odds are I should be discussing this with my therapist rather than you, my beloved readers, but I just looked at that last joke and realized there is more truth in it than I ever acknowledged. My father was a hard man and not terribly available emotionally or otherwise (also he was married five times. The irony is not lost on me) but all the positive traits I believe I have developed-honor, courage in the face of adversity, loyalty, empathy, inquisitiveness, logic-I honestly believe germinated from seeds planted by Star Trek. It was the positive male role model I otherwise lacked. Weird. I am going to have to reflect on that a lot I think. I guess this is why I am such a die hard TOS fan and will defend it with my dying breath.
That button comes from the Star Wars t shirt category. I know, I know. If I could have found a Star Trek image that worked there I would have.
Dave
Ride Along Review
I’m kind of embarrassed to say I found myself laughing at parts.
The cop buddy film is a genre so prevalent that most of the studios in Hollywood must be using them as insulating material. It honestly dates back to the Lone Ranger and Tonto and hasn’t change much since then. Some films get more comical, some more serious, and some might involve a dog or other non human mammal (or alien. Anyone else remember Alien Nation, I Come in Peace, or the Hidden?). It is a formula that appeals to the gestalt Western consciousness and is a very safe foundation upon which to build your house.
The point is Ride Along has jumped on that long and slow moving freight train pioneered by officers Ridzik & Danko, Costanzo & Hughes, Sykes & Francisco, Crokett & Tubbs, Tango & Cash, Starsky & Hutchinson, Tuner & Hooch, Doyle & Russo, J & K, Burnett & Lowrey, Riggs & Murtaugh, and Bomowski & Bomowski and really didn’t ever get off. While on the train it picked up every scene, cliche, joke, and action sequence it could stuff down it’s pants to make it’s own Frankenstein cop movie and animated it by hooking up the star power of Ice Cube and Kevin Hart and flipping the switch. (By the way, as a true test of your pop culture mojo see how many of those partners I just listed you can name the movie or show they are from. It’s a fun challenge. Crockett & Tubbs image courtesy of the TV Show T Shirt category).
That’s not to say it’s bad. The formulas used and borrowed are all good ones and if you haven’t seen a cop buddy film in a while you will probably enjoy it. Also if you gain a sense of smug satisfaction from predicting exactly how the story is going to progress you might just reach know-it-all Nirvana while watching this movie. Within five minutes of the film starting I knew exactly how it was going to play out even to the point of knowing who was going to be injured. You will find more surprise in using the same blue pen you write with every day and discovering that today it is writing with blue ink.
In checking the filmographies of the stars of this film (yes I do research. I don’t just roll my face back and forth across my keyboard while drinking methylated spirits) I was surprised to discover Ice Cube is something of a stealth actor. What do I mean by that? I mean he is an actor who seems to have his role type cast as the bad ass cop or rap star but when you look at what he has done you rediscover that he has actually done a number of really good or out of the box movies. When I think of him Boyz in the Hood is not the first film that pops into mind but is exceptional. Anaconda was a horrible movie but is so bad it’s good, and Ghosts of Mars actually got me laid back in 2001 (as it turns out that is about the only time for this century. I am eagerly anticipating New Years Day 2100) so I have some warm feelings about him as an actor. Nothing caught me off guard with regards to Kevin Hart’s career. I think he is really funny but doesn’t seem ready to do a serious drama yet.
The story. Ben Barber (Kevin Hart-This is the End, the Five Year Engagement, Think Like a Man) works as a security guard at a high school and plays FPS video games incessantly. In spite of all that he has a stunningly hot fiance Angela (Tika Sumpter-Salt, What’s Your Number, The Have’s and the Have Nots). She wants to get her cop brother James (Ice Cube-Boyz in the Hood, 21 Jump Street, Friday) to approve of him but James has (accurately, IMO) determined that Ben is a worthless layabout completely lacking in machismo.
Ben gets accepted into the police academy and tries to use that as a bond with James. James rejects him again but offers to take him on a ride along where they can both rip off lines from Training Day. Meanwhile James is trying to track down local crime kingpin Omar (Lawrence Fishburne-Cherry 2000 (I know. Not the movie he would want to be credited for, but I think it’s awesome), the Matrix, Apocalypse Now). They go out together and comedy hijinx ensues.
Honestly that’s it. By that point I had pretty much written out the whole script in my head. James tries to inject Ben into really annoying but non lethal situations. Ben finds some critical clues with regards to Omar. James gets set up by his friends (John Leguizamo-Kick Ass 2, Ice Age, One for the Money)(Bryan Callen-Warrior, the Hangover, 10 Rules for Sleeping Around) and Ben saves him in the dopiest way possible. Like I said, if you know the answer to the question “Knock knock” is “Who’s there?” this film will hold no unexpected shocks for you.
The stars.
While playing his traditional role as a serious bad ass Ice Cube was not really stretching his acting ability I enjoyed his character and liked him on the screen. One star. Kevin Hart is honestly funny too, although his antics occasionally shifted from funny to uncomfortable. One star. Tika Sumpter is drop dead gorgeous and spent a lot of the film lounging around in t-shirt and underwear (easily the sexiest look for a girl around home, in case any of you ladies are wondering what the secret is to attracting an elite dude such as myself). One star. There were some actual funny moments. One star. Kind of fun in a very formulaic sort of way. One star. Total: five stars.
The black holes.
The story was basically a retread of about 1,000 other buddy cop films. The director avoided even the scent of a risk like it was a skunk smoothie left in the sun for a couple days. One black hole. For me this would have been about 10 times better rated R rather than PG-13. When you see Ice Cube get pissed off you expect some cursing. Seeing him restrain his language is as unnatural and out of place as seeing an elephant trying to ride a skateboard. Also if you are going to film a PG-13 movie don’t insult my libido by having a scene in a strip club but have all the girls fully clothed. That is figuratively trying to have your cake and eating it too (I’ve been literally trying to avoid misuse of the word literally). One black hole. If you happen to not be the type to get turned on by your own precognition the predictability will grind like a fine grit sandpaper bikini. One black hole. Total: three black holes.
A grand total of two stars. Meh-worthy I guess. If you are an Ice Cube or Kevin Hart fan you will not be disappointed, but honestly if you are not there is nothing in here to positively contribute towards the enjoyment of your life. This film pretty much screams Tuesday night Red Box, so wait until you can see it in the comfort of your home or trailer park rec center. Date movie? Sure, why not? There is a love story here sort of and it is funny. None of the violence is over the top (or really interesting) and seeing a guy save the day thanks to the thousands of hours he has played video games may bode well for any argument you have with your girlfriend regarding the direction you have chosen for your life. Bathroom break? Any scene you miss you will have probably already watched on the screen of your imagination, but the scene that stands out as most missable is when James and Ben get to the hospital. Contribution to the plot: 0.00.
Thanks for reading. Lot’s more to see in order to survive the bleak movie season known as January. Not a lot of Oscar nominations surface in this month. Follow me on Twitter @Nerdkungfu (Do it now!). Post comments here on this film or my review (telling me what a sexy genius I am is also welcome) right here and off topic questions or suggestions can be emailed to [email protected]. Talk to you soon.
Dave
Star Trek Retrospective: Episode 66 Wink of an Eye
Note-I screwed up the ordering and originally wrote this and called it Episode 68. Now I need to flagellate myself for sins against Star Trek.
This is one I only saw a couple times as a kid and never really absorbed much. I just went over the plot again and am trying to come up with something interesting to make a comment on but am coming up dry. I will say the timing of the episode (haw!) always struck me as a little bit odd. Given when Spock and McCoy find the Scalosian water in Kirks coffee until the time they find an antidote shouldn’t a couple months have passed for Kirk? Seems off to me.
This is a rare episode where I did not find the Kirk girl to be the woman of my dreams. Deela, Queen of the Scalosians didn’t really have it in the face to turn me on. I’m partial to brunettes and those pale water blue eyes always kind of leave me cold. However I will give them an A for the costume she was wearing. In the years since I have been inundated by images of naked women but at age 8 that one completely bare leg and midriff was an eye opening experience.
I suppose the reason this episode never struck home was even as a kid I thought the Scalosians plan was pretty stupid. You want to accelerate yourself so that you live and die in the time it takes a normal speed human to have dinner? What’s the point of that? It seems they could have dedicated more time and effort to some other trick. If you are super fast how do you grow food? Do plants grow at super speed too? See what I mean? 
Also what was up with that cellular damage being fatal? Don’t you damage yourself every time you take a step on some level? How long do you have until the slightest scratch doesn’t kill you? Definitely a season 3 worthy episode. The I’m Fine shirt I found in our Zombie T Shirt collection BTW.
Dave
I, Frankenstein in 3D Review
Ay yi yi.
January is a fascinating month when it comes to movie releases. This is when all the films that were not really good enough to go head to head with the Xmas releases timidly stick their heads out of their hole in an attempt to sneak a little bit of leftover scraps still on the table only to get caught and eviscerated by the household cat (that would be me in this particular case). What is really interesting to me is that there is even enough money in Hollywood for movies they apparently know are going to suck but still managed to green light.
The studios are rarely wrong in the area of timing and that brings up another question: how can the studio be dumb enough to give the production of a stinker like the Legend of Hercules a $70,000,000 budget based on the script equivalent of the crayon drawings of a slightly above average chimpanzee yet turn into the Stephen Hawking of scheduling when it comes time to release their sewage onto the market? It seems like whoever they have deciding that this film just isn’t strong enough to swim in the adult pool should have been consulted a couple months before production started. Oh, well.
Not that I, Frankenstein is horrifically bad. Based on what I have seen so far (this and Hercules) it is literally the best release of 2014. It is a weird study in contrasts. The quality of the movie bounces back and forth like the needle on a Richter Scale during a 7.2 earthquake. The story is Ass from the Planet Ass in the Asstastic Nebula but for some bizarre reason they cast some exceptional actors and the acting is far superior to the actual dialog. The CGI seems pretty awesome at times and then all of a sudden it looks like you are watching the flying monkeys from the original Wizard of Oz. There are some really awesome action scenes and the world they have created is somewhat intriguing, but they literally overexplain every detail to death and then you realize that the werewolves and vampires (I’m sorry, gargoyles and demons) have been dredged up from the deepest literary pit and have no relationship to anything that makes sense. The plot moves in fits and starts but at least it moves, only to have every smidgen of good will you have garnered ruined in the last two minutes by one of the dopiest hero monologs since the ending of Cave Dwellers. I am a fan of Aaron Eckhart but he would have to absorb the acting talent of every actor in the history of the universe to make his oath to defend humanity against demons sound anything other than laughably annoying.
I would like to bring up another issue that got on my jock in this film. It would be fair to say that if I had a flatter head, some scars, and bolts coming out of my neck I would not need much more to look like the classic Frankenstein (Franky image courtesy of the Horror Movie t shirt category). Where do they get off casting a guy with the body of Adonis and a face that women seem to drool over? Sorry but when they keep calling a guy who looks like an ex Calvin Klein model a “monster” just because he has some scars it is an insult to those of us with average (or challenging) looks. Also, realistically what function is served by this? Do they really think they are going to pull in women to their Frankenstein action movie with him? I see this film as a real failing in forward planning. The main guy is too old to bring in the teeny bopper Twilight fans, too good looking to be believable to the guys who like action films, and the film is too action oriented to appeal to the women who might like to see Aaron Eckhart shirtless. Fail deluxe.
The story. Adam (Aaron Eckhart-Thank You for Smoking, Battle Los Angeles, Olympus has Fallen) starts off telling the story of his creation by Dr. Frankenstein and how he murdered Mrs. Frankenstein and let his creator freeze to death. While burying the good doctor he is attacked by demons who talk about bringing him back alive to Prince Naberius. Suddenly the demons are attacked by three living gargoyles; Gideon (Jai Courtney-A Good Day to Die Hard, Jack Reacher, Spartacus), Ophir (Mahesh Jadu-Taj, the Three Stages of Sasha, Singularity), and Keziah (Caitlin Stasey-All Cheerleaders Die, Evidence, Please Like Me). They pick up Adam and haul him in front of their queen Leonore (Miranda Otto-The Lord of the Rings, What Lies Beneath, War of the Worlds).
They turn out to be the Earthly manifestation of something that may or may not be angels sent to Earth to fight against demons. The demons want Adam for something and Gideon wants to kill him to keep them from him, but Leonore (after explaining every detail of the whole gargoyle/demon thing) opts to let him go after giving him some magic weapons. Adam wants nothing to do with their war but decides to dedicate his life to hunting down and killing demons (how is that from joining the gargoyles in their war exactly?) for some ill defined reason.
Flash forward 200 years and Adam is still running around the world looking for demons to kill. Meanwhile Naberius (Bill Nighy-Hott Fuzz, Shaun of the Dead, About Time) is a very rich something and is experimenting with reanimating the dead. To do this he hires the hottest scientist ever Terra (Killer Elite, Chuck (yes, the blond), The Canyon) who for some reason doesn’t have alarm bells go off when a very evil looking and sounding dude tells her he wants to be able to reanimate corpses for humanitarian reasons.
(As another aside, sorry but this girl does not pull off the nerdy scientist very well. I know, I’m a big sexist jerk but honestly she looks and acts like the evil demons head of Marketing, not R&D. I’ll buy a woman scientist in a heartbeat but when they clearly look like the just got dressed from their Maxim photo shoot I can feel my suspension of disbelief gasping for oxygen.)
So Adam shows up in the City of Location Unknown (seriously, what city was this? It all started over 200 years ago and seemed to be somewhere in Europe but the few humans had British accents and the cop looked like a NYPD officer), where no one ever notices things like giant flying gargoyles and thousands of demons attacking a local Gothic building of unknown provenance and bursting into flame when the gargoyles attack them with medieval weapons. They pick him up and chain him to a chair for no apparent reason. The demons attack, and force Dr. Frankensteins notebook out of them in exchange for Leonore.
Honestly this plot is pretty predictable. Naberius wants to use either Adam or the notebook to build thousands more Frankensteins. Apparently if you are reanimated you have no soul and a demon can possess you. There are a lot of cool fight scenes and the movie ends with the stupidest monolog ever.
The stars.
I can’t say the acting is exceptionally good but it far exceeded the boundaries set by the story and dialog. I think it’s just that they hired a bunch of really good actors. None of them did what I would consider a stellar performance when compared to any of their other work but overall the acting was actually kind of pleasant. One star. Most of the action scenes were pretty good, with some excellent transition from flying to ground combat. Looks like the fight choreographer really thought about what combat with flying statues would look like. One star. At the moments when the hamsters running the CGI wheel were well fed the CGI was really good. One star. While extremely derivative of Underworld (as in the clump of hair I just pulled out in frustration at another movie with a $65 million budget spending $114 and a case of Old English on the writing is derivative of my scalp) the world created was at least an interesting concept. One star. Bill Nighy was his usual awesome self. He plays possible the best villain out there. One star. The blond was at least easy on the eyes, although you see more of Aaron Eckharts body than hers. One star. At the end I didn’t feel like it was a total waste of 93 minutes of my life. One star. Total: seven stars.
The black holes.
The story was kind of dopey without any reason for the audience to connect to it. Who are these gargoyles and why should we care exactly? What is Adams motivation to do anything at all? This film also fell into the scope trap I talk about a lot. Destruction of the human race? Do they really think that I am going to believe that is how the film will end? If I can’t believe that the film producers would ever let the bad guys plan come to fruition how can I care about anything the good guys do? One black hole. If you are going to do a movie about the Frankenstein monster and call him a monster the whole time can you not at least make him look a little monstrous and not like an extra from a Gold’s Gym advert? One black hole. When the hamsters powering the CGI wheel ran out of food they died and stank up the screen with their bloated corpses, giving us creature movement that would have embarrassed the original Clash of the Titans. One black hole. The film sat right on the fence about being about the character of the Frankenstein monster, this hypothetical war between demons and gargoyles (can we just call them angels? For God’s sake commit to something and take a chance. Otherwise call them gargoyles and orcs, or insectoids, or Flying Spaghetti Monsters. It’s about the same), and just a dopey action film. One black hole. The PG-13 rating was a serious anchor on this film , with both demons and gargoyles dying in kid friendly evapo-explosions (kids should never see corpses or blood. That might damage their fragile little brains), only one female showing no skin below her knee, and all the other wet blanket aspects that a movie that should be going for an R rating but opts to try to make more money brings to the screen. One black hole. The whole plot is predictable and very by the numbers. It kind of just plods along like a horse pulling a plow and has about the same level of surprise and suspense. One black hole. Way too much dialog for an action movie. I normally applaud having things laid out but at a couple points I wanted to yell STFU to the screen. One black hole. While I suppose most of you could assume this will be my feeling in any 3D film but the 3D added nothing to the movie except an extra $3 for the ticket. One black hole. And finally the really insanely bad monolog at the end where Adam Frankenstein swears an oath to no one to defend humanity against the demons while posing on a church roof really made me want to burst my own eardrums with a knitting needle. One black hole. Total: nine black holes.
So two black holes, which puts it on the down side of mediocre. Better than the last film I did, making it my current contender for best film of 2014. I honestly don’t think it will hold that slot past this weekend. Worth seeing? I suppose if there literally isn’t anything else you want to see. There are good parts that you will enjoy but honestly other than occupying two hours of your life will add nothing else. Odds are you will have forgotten this film two weeks later. Date movie? Not really. The only thing that would appeal to your date would be Aaron Eckharts washboard abs and I don’t think you want to put yourself in that contest. Bathroom break? There is a scene where the hot blond is stitching up Adams shoulder that is 100% worthless filler. Go nuts.
Thanks for reading as always. Lots more to see this weekend. I need to get caught up and expect to have more funny reviews soon. Follow me on Twitter if you can @Nerdkungfu. If you have comments on this review or movie feel free to post them here. If you have off topic questions or suggestions email them to me at [email protected]. Thanks and have a great day.
Dave
The 15 Worst Films of 2013
I hope you brought eye protection because there will be a lot of bile flying around on this one.
I know I was only supposed to do the worst 10 to match my best 10 from last post but honestly the field was so thick with candidates I didn’t think I could limit myself. Remember writing these posts is more for my benefit than anyone else and after most of last year I have a lot of pent up movie frustration to expunge in a literary orgy of tortured metaphors, run on sentences, and analogies to horrible sexual, scatological, and blasphemous images.
Once again I can only list the films I saw. I’m sure there are plenty out there that make these films look cinematographic masterpieces rather than the pond scum that they are but I don’t have the time or inclination to seek them out. I will also say that while most of these movies truly do suck they serve some function if only to give us perspective. Without these 15 films to set the bar low enough to trip a wiener dog the worst film last year would have been Parker or Stand Up Guys. The scripts of those films should have been used as radiation shielding at Fukushima but it did have a few watch-worthy moments and if you were passed out in front of your TV the subliminal suckage your subconscious mind absorbed would not have been TOO damaging. There’s always a low man on the totem pole and if you can’t identify him it’s probably you.
15. G.I. Joe Retaliation. Imagine if you will a reproductive artist creates the ultimate sculpture of a giant pile of poo. It is flawless in every detail, with just the right proportion of corn to excrement and moisture glistening in the carefully positioned lighting in way guaranteed to bring a tear to the eye of any coprophile. Literally a polished turd so perfect and flawless you can almost smell it. Well, that is pretty much what G.I. Joe Retaliation was; a perfect, flawless representation of the sewage outflow of Hollywood action movies. Well executed, but at the end of the day it’s still based on s&$&.
14. Jack the Giant Slayer. Some films take classic literature and tell a cool story with neat twists that makes you appreciate the classic tale with a warm satisfied sense of childhood nostalgia. Others take the stories and molest them in ways no amount of therapy or drinking will ever blot from your memory. This is definitely the latter type. I have a problem with great literature being beaten into a shape that appeals to the brain softening “creative” people of certain companies who’s name may or man not rhyme with “fisney”. This movie would worth your time if you feel the need to see Ian McShane in his douchiest role ever (until they cast him as Douchy McDouchalot, the lead singer of the Douchetones). Normally a crappy period piece at least has some redemption available in the costumes but outfits in this film would embarrass a troupe of transvestite circus clowns.
13. 21 & Over. This one ended up at 13 but to be honest it could have ended anywhere. I know I watched it. I know I wrote 1,343 words about the experience. I think there was an Asian guy and two naked white guys in it. However, except for those details I can’t for the life of me recall this film. I had to read my own review in detail in order to even consider it. Now, I wouldn’t call myself an expert on film theory or legitimate film criticism but it seems to me a movie that is so forgettable that I can’t remember a single scene from it six months later just might be a bad one. I’m just saying. Anyway, it’s foggy nature puts it in the relatively harmless position of number 13, but if I were actually able to recall it odds are it would have ended up lower.
12. Spring Breakers. I’m now at the point that I reach every year while writing this where I want to make every film left the number one worst movie. The funny thing is I don’t have such a hard time with the best films. I will give this film some credit for at least attempting something out of the box and having some white trash nudity, but realistically this film was a laughable joke that wasn’t actually funny. However if you are into scenes being repeated ad nauseam and chicks in bikinis dancing in slow motion while some frat boy squirts water all over them then this or the latest Girls Gone Wild is the film for you.
11. A Good Day to Die Hard. This film may very well show up again when it comes time to hand out the special awards (cough cough Franchise Killer of the Year cough cough). Hollywood in many ways is resembling a vampire stuck forever in an old mausoleum, breaking open caskets to suck on the dry bones of past films in the desperate attempt to find the slightest hint of moisture and blood remaining. John McClane was a staple of my youth. This film is a staple in my taco. This is why if you are going to do a sequel to a classic it is worth talking to the director of the classic if only so he can tell you what you are doing to the series it tantamount to a body cavity search. Or at least watch the original.
10. After Earth. Sci fi movies should never be done by people who aren’t actually sci fi fans. I mean, you wouldn’t go see your lawyer to have your gall bladder removed, would you? Similarly you wouldn’t go to a science fiction movie to unwittingly learn about a religion popular among celebrities invented by a writer if some mediocre sci fi novels that involves the spirits of dead aliens would you? I see this movie as evidence that Will Smith grossly overestimates his and his families star power. The thought process seems to be “Sure, we can write a boring script filled with plot holes, bad science, weird ideology, and have it star my box office unproven son while I yell at him over a radio and it will be successful because I AM A CINEMA GOD!” Well I guess you are not. Also this film has pretty put the final nail in the coffin of my admiration of M. Night Shyamalan (which started dying as the final credits for Unbreakable began to roll).
9. Machete Kills. This film was supposed to be a spoof on bad film making but it seems to have forgotten the spoof part. The first Machete was a fun spoof. This is just all the pain of a bad film with none of the humor. I mean, all the potential good of this very concept had already been milked dry in the first one, leaving us with the corpse to watch decay for two hours. Also someone grab Robert Rodriguez and tell him a crappy joke doesn’t get funnier when you redo it 4-5 times.
8. R.I.P.D. Now I’m at the point where I have to decide which movies would literally cause me less pain to watch a second time and of the eight remaining films on my list this one is only a modest beating. Honestly this film is more boring than painful (although it is also painful) so I guess if I needed a massive dose of Ambien and couldn’t find a street dealer it would work in a pinch. Also if the last thing on your bucket list is to see Rooster Cogburn join the Ghostbusters this would let you die in peace. However it is in all ways awful and deserves to be buried in a shallow grave outside of Kettleman City California.
7. The Counselor. Can’t I just take this and the next six films and call them all the worst films of 2013? Ridley Scott, what happened to you? Honestly this film sounds like the opening scene to a Ridley Scott remake of Invasion of the Body Snatchers wherein an acclaimed director comes out with a dull, convoluted, and pointless film much to the confoundment of his fans and a humble reviewer of a very minor blog is compelled to investigate, discovering the current Ridley Scott to have been grown in a pod in his garden and the real Ridley Scott is now Soylent Green. I wasn’t looking for another Aliens necessarily but at the same time I didn’t expect to see the Heaven’s Gate of the 21st century.
6. Hansel & Gretal. This and the next five films collectively could be considered a crime against humanity if shown back to back so the actual order is really kind of irrelevant. The reasons this film is number 6 rather than 3 or 2 is because there was one really, really excellent nude scene and because while the movie sucked like 10,000 Romora eels at least I liked the concept. Kind of a Brothers Grimm version of Vampire$ (the book not the movie. Thinking of the Vampire$ movie just made me throw up a little in my mouth. Thanks a lot, Hansel & Gretel). Also I find it amusing that Jeremy Renner is now a big star but had this stinker back in his closet and the studio opted to capitalize on his recent fame by embarrassing the crap out of him. BTW in answer to the question that I know is burning through her mind yes Gemma Arterton I will marry you in spite of your participation in subjecting me to this monstrosity. In fact it seems the least you can do.
5. A Big Wedding. A big failure, really. We are really scraping the bottom of the barrel (and yet, I still have four movies to talk about). This has everything I hate about assemblage story telling along with all of the assorted stories being ass too. This film is like cutting up 14 of the worst episodes of Threes Company and randomly sewing them together like the Movie Centipede. The reasons why it is number 5 and not number 1 is first off like Hansuck & Regretal it had the most pleasantly surprising nude scene ever (it was like being force to grind up broken glass by chewing on it only to find one of glass fragments you just destroyed your mouth with was actually a decent diamond) and for the fact that this is the only film in my top 5 that did not sully the world of nerd interests. It was not sci fi, supernatural, or interesting.
4. Getaway. I guess pointless, convoluted, plot hole infested stories is a thing for me as 3 of my 15 could accurately be described as such. This one takes it to a new level. I’m not sure what brain parasite ate into Ethan Hawke in order to make him think this script was worth doing but he should get a brain flush immediately (also known as firing his agent). Also, I guess every year I need to have one star end up twice on this list. Last year it was Ryan Reynolds (who only appears once here, a 50% improvement! Well done Ryan) and this year it is Selena Gomez. I honestly don’t hate her as an actor but she is drawn to bad films like a baby seal to the business end of a club and in this one she felt as natural and unforced as Tom Servo, Crow, and Joel do in any episode of MST3K (with the exception that I would have been very glad to see the Satellite of Love crew in this bomb). Also if you are going to force in some eye candy can you have her wear something other than a hoodie?
3. Percy Jackson and the Sea of Monsters. Ha ha ha. There are days when I really love doing this, and when handed teenie bopper tripe like this and the next two films (you might see a pattern in my bottom three films) I start to salivate like Jason Voorhees stumbling across a college cheerleader camp (Friday the 13th image from the Horror Movie T Shirt category BTW). It is saying a lot when I tell you that this movie was actually worse than Percy Jackson and the Lightning Thief. I think Hollywood is perplexed as to why all their attempts to ignite a new vampire-ish teenage franchise keeps falling on it’s face like a drunk with a broken beer bottle stuck in the back of it’s head but I think I have an answer. This stems from my experience in the skateboard market. You see until the last cycle skateboarding tended to follow a 7 year cycle where a bunch of kids would get into it for a time making it the biggest thing out there only to have most of them realize that skateboarding is hard, dangerous, and hurts (the last cycle was extended by one thing: Tony Hawk Pro Skater. It’s way easier to dress like a skateboarder and play a video game about it than actually get on a board). It troughs out until the next group of testosterone rediscovers it. I think all the morons who fell for Twilight have had their fill and all the younger kids who would be those morons are so turned off by the first group that they refuse to get into it. I’d say Hollywoods best bet would be to let the sparkly vampire genre lie fallow for another 6-7 years and try again. Meanwhile let the Hunger Games have it’s day. Really, though, there can be only one.
2. The Mortal Instruments: City of Bones. See everything I just said about Percy Jackson and then multiply that times some of the most odious characters since Divine from Pink Flamingos. While Percy Jackson gets a bit of applause for the effort behind it, this film I would happily see get run over by a combine. Also, with a $60 million budget you would think they could do fake tattoos that didn’t look like a high school kid doodling on his arm with a Marks-a-lot. The entire cast should be wedgied daily, with the blond main kid getting a covered wagon. In my review I gave a list of reasons why this film sucks that resembles the invite list of the worlds biggest wedding. I know most of Hollywood is either completely brain damaged or thinks we the audience are but is a decent story and some direction so hard to accomplish? It’s not like there aren’t examples of what a good movie should be. Next time rent a couple of Scorsese films and when it comes time to make your film do what he does.
1. The Host. You don’t have to be Nostradamus to have predicted that this film would be my number one. It’s the perfect storm as far as I’m concerned: a story style I hate written by an author I have contempt for for an audience I despise in a genre I love. For me she is like Cruella Deville except instead of making her fur coat out of her own Dalmatians she came to my house, skinned my puppy alive in front of me, and sewed it into her jacket still bleeding. Fortunately I was able to let the air out of her movie by illustrating in graphic detail exactly how much it sucked. If this film were placed in a time capsule and opened in 5,000 years by Doctor Who he would probably come back here and give the Daleks a detailed map of how to get to Earth. Awful in every regard unless you are really turned on by cute but bland chicks (where else have we seen that formula used…?).
So that’s my list. Do I feel better now that I have dumped on these cinema surgical remnants? Yes. Yes I do. Have I made the world a better place because of all the reviews I did last year? Well, since I’m sure no one in Hollywood would ever deign to read my blog or ever take any of my criticism to heart in one sense no, not at all. On the other hand if even one of you, my beloved readers, opted to see a great film or avoid an eye raping thanks to what I have written over this last year then yes I believe I have. So my special awards are still to come up and I have a big backlog of new movies to see (I was in LA this last weekend and didn’t get to see anything) so look for more reviews coming up soon. If you have any comments on this list or these movies feel free to post them here and if you have any off topic questions or suggestions email me at [email protected]. Thanks and have a great week.
Dave
The 10 Best Films of 2013
A tribute to another year dedicated to the self aggrandizement of my own opinion.
So another 365 days filled with mostly mediocre cinema pap and the occasional true gem or turd. Last year I reviewed 93 films, which is weird as it didn’t seem like that many. However as I was going over my list I was struck by how many of them quickly faded into the the background noise of my mind. Only the real good or sucktastic films stand out; the middle hump of the curve blends together into a bland porridge of competent yet boring or incompetent yet interesting story decisions, poor rating choices, or regurgitation of other, better films. I was surprised at how many films I had to read my own story recap to remember what it was about.
My average score was 1.77 stars, which means anything between a -3 (three black holes) or 5 stars I consider to be in the mediocre range. A few years ago I took a statistics class (don’t ask me why) and for a few minutes I thought about finding my textbooks and calculating a standard deviation but then I remembered I really didn’t get into this to do math (and also I’m pretty lazy) so I will forgo the detailed statistical analysis.
My final ranking is not a direct result of the actual scores. Those numbers are a handy guide, but often times the warm afterglow of a good film or the smoldering canker of a bad one can strongly influence my scoring and it only through the filter of months of reflection, a certain amount of therapy, and the periodic alcohol induced discognitive seizure can I fairly make these assessments. I plan to do 3 and possibly 4 posts on this: this one will be top 10, next post will be bottom 10, and the next 1 or 2 will be “special” awards (my own homemade Oscars, although I don’t have a cool trophy, award name, awards ceremony with hundreds of movie stars, millions in advertizing revenue, or set awards categories. Other than that it’s exactly the same).
Oh, and I suppose this would normally go without saying but I can only list the movies that I actually watched and wrote reviews for. Odds are extremely likely I should have seen 12 Years a Slave or Grudge Match, but in spite of any reports you may have heard about my recent deification I really cannot see every movie out there and have to make movie decisions based on my time, money, interest, and what I believe you, my beloved readers, are interested in. Please don’t waste my time with comments about how dare I not include Inside Llewyn Davis on my list.
I’m also linking all these reviews so if you are really, really bored (or bed ridden) feel free to read and enjoy!
10. The Hunger Games: Catching Fire. 12 stars, 4 black holes. If you had told me a few years ago that a film designed to appeal to moronic teenage girls a la Twilight would make my top 10 for the years I probably would have gouged out both my eyes to avoid seeing it. However, when I think back to movies I saw this is one of the few films that actually got my pulse moving. It was, for lack of a better term, exciting and as such managed to edge out Kick Ass 2, Iron Man 3, and Man of Steel. Those movies were fun but they all failed to have me connect or care about the main characters like Hunger Games did. Plus I have a soft spot for sequels that manage to not have numbers in them and films where young people kill each other.
9. Pacific Rim. 12 stars, 5 black holes. This one and number 8 are going to be proof that I am not a typical reviewer. This film made my list not because it was a great story, had good acting, was a cinematographic masterpiece, or had a point but rather because it was just plain awesome. I mean, sure the dialog and acting will have you wishing for the sweet kiss of a trepanners drill bit but all you have to remember is that every few minutes you will be seeing GIANT ROBOTS FIGHTING GODZILLA MONSTERS! I mean come on! How can that not rock? Also if you are the type who gets some kind of pathetic ego boost by predicting with 100% accuracy exactly how a story is going to progress this film is true low hanging fruit (plus we could probably be friends).
8. Riddick. 9 stars, 2 black holes. OK, this is my last indulgence on this list but the fact is somehow I have become a Riddick fan boy and cannot let it go by. Muscled, taciturn, gruff, bald, with cool sunglasses? What’s not to love? In a completely straight, bromance sort of way of course. I also have a deep appreciation of a sci fi film that is actually about sci fi rather than using it to sell some political, religious, or ideological agenda which as a sci fi nerd is the equivalent of being touched inappropriately in my bathing suit area. This film also featured Katee Sackhoff topless but if that is not enough to convince you of its awesomeness I have two words that will: flying motorcycles.
7. Rush. 10 Stars, 3 black holes. Time to get serious I guess. I really appreciated Ron Howard on this film. A good director tells a story, a great director inserts you into his characters lives. This film definitely did the latter. What was great was I thought going in the movie was going to be about James Hunt and his life but in truth it was more about Nikki Lauda. Both characters were engaging but by the end of it I felt myself more invested in Nikki. Serious, scientific intellectual who survives a horrific crash and gives up on something for love trumps party frat boy IMO.
6. The World’s End. 12 stars, 2 black holes. I am a Simon Pegg fan and enjoyed this film a great deal. One thing I love about his films is they often times start off as one story but by the end are a completely different one. I would say this one is not as good as Hott Fuzz or Shaun of the Dead but is better than Paul. Incidentally if you like Simon Pegg Netflicks a BBC show called Spaced. It’s pretty amazing.
5. Blue Jasmine. 9 stars, 4 black holes. This is a perfect example of how I don’t let the numbers dictate my placement. This film was brilliant and Kate Blanchett was amazing. On the other hand, this film is a complete bummer. You don’t leave the theater feeling inspired or uplifted. You leave the theater looking for a bed to lie in for a few days. I also was bugged by the fact that the story supposedly took place in San Francisco yet all the characters are completely New York or New Jersey stereotypes. This is why this film will not get my best film of the year. Also to be perfectly honest I find a lot of Woody Allen’s personal life to be extremely troubling and have a hard time enjoying the success of scumbags.
4. American Hustle. 11 stars, 4 black holes. I had to overcome my own personal dislike of the 70’s aesthetic in this film. However, I cannot deny it’s excellent execution and the acting that each of the performers brought to the screen. In truth I have been having a hard time ordering my top four. Any one of them seem great at a given time. However, in order to get the placement I asked myself “If I were stuck on a plane and had time to watch 3 of these 4 movies which is the one that I would be most willing to skip?” At that point it seemed pretty obvious to me.
3. Gravity. I have a lot of friends who were ambivalent about this movie but most of the haters seemed to have an axe to grind with either Sandra Bullock, George Clooney, or both. I was riveted to my seat and loved every second of it (especially the Sandra Bullock underwear scenes). I just suspect these two have a really good eye for scripts and know how to pick winners. I also like that they didn’t overwrite the script.
2. Her. 14 stars, 3 black holes. Like a Strippergram waiting in the bushes for me to come home after a long, hard day this movie caught me off guard and was an extremely pleasant surprise. Great character development, awesome visuals, and an intriguing story with high societal relevance. It was a sci fi character study as good as any other and you really feel tremendous sympathy for both the main character and his AI. My only warning is if you happen to see it as a bitter single bachelor this film can hit you kind of hard. Not that I would know anything about that.
1. The Wolf of Wall Street. 13 stars, 3 black holes. No big surprise here. I know I had some issues with this story, it’s length, and the morality of pretty much every character in it but when I think of 2013 and which movie I would like to see a second time this is the one that pops into mind. Leonardo Di Caprio holds your attention like your eyeballs are superglued to the screen, the story flows in it’s development, and there is a ton of gratuitous nudity. Martin Scorsese knows what he is doing and wrings a powerful performance out of even the most minor character. (the saxophone werewolf image I found in the vintage t shirt collection. I couldn’t find any stock broker t shirts)
So that’s my list. I will say thank God for the last month of movies. Three of my top four I have seen in the last few weeks. Before that 2013 was looking like the Fukushima of cinema years. Also, just to keep this list in perspective as compared to any of the thousands of more “legitimate” reviewers 6 of my 10 are science fiction films, so take that for what you will. If you are truly a nerd than I think that will enhance my reviewing credibility.
Thanks for reading. Please follow me on Twitter @Nerdkungfu. Comments on this list are invited and can be left right here. Off topic suggestions or questions can be emailed to [email protected]. Next post will be my 10 Worst of 2013 and to be honest I think I could probably do the 20 worst. It was a banner year for crap films.
Dave
