Spring Breakers Movie Review
Words literally fail me.
After a nights rest I am not going to say what I originally was going to: that unless any new movies cause their audience to commit mass seppuku before the third act than we have a winner for the worst film of 2013. In the traditional sense of what makes a movie a movie (plot, story, character development, a point) this film manages to have nothing. It is essentially an extended Girls Gone Wild video mated with one of those first person shooter video games where you can unlock the option to skin all the characters as hot girls in bikinis.
Where all other viewers (and to a certain extent myself) are giving this film a bye is the fact that it is directed by Harmony Korine, the guy to did Kids at age 19. His credibility is causing everyone to desperately seek any artistic merit whatsoever like an homeless alcoholic going through the trash behind a bar, sucking at every empty bottle in hopes of finding a little bit of booze. As a former art student I can tell you that you can find artistic meaning and purpose in anything if you want to badly enough. Thus most reviewers are finding something worthwhile in this film; however I would submit that if it were not for Harmony Korine they would be trashing this film like a half a turkey left outside for a week.
So like all other pretentious reviewers I have found some artistic value to this film. It does do some pretty amazing camera work, especially in the area of showing hot young women writhing topless in a bikini while booze is poured all over them and the sun glistens from their perfect skin like hot sexy little diamonds and…I’m sorry was I typing something? The one thing that managed to break in this movie was my respect for women. I can’t figure out if Korine is doing something tongue-in-cheek with regards to the exploitation of women’s bodies in film or just likes to shoot hot chicks in bikinis. In either case huge swaths of this film play out like a porn shoot with a budget and a slow motion effect.
The other part most other reviewers are lauding is the performance of James Franco. I will say he nailed his Cajun gangster character but once you go over his accent, grill, and tattoos you are left with a flat two dimensional character who reeks of artifice. Ever see one of those homemade YouTube videos where some wannabe gangster talks about what a hustler and pimp he is and how many guns and ho’s he has? Well, imagine that for 45 minutes and make him white and you have Franco’s character.
Flat characters are endemic in this film. The four girls could be called the brunette Christian girl and Blond Bimbo’s 1, 2, and 3. The Christian girl has a modest amount of depth, but the other three are as flat, uninteresting, and interchangeable as three machine washers. The funny thing is the girl with the most character is shuffled off the movie early and as soon as one of the other three actually develops a little interest she hops on the bus. The remaining two I defy anyone to tell me how I was supposed to distinguish from each other.
The weird thing about this movie is I can’t really tell who it was about. At first it seems like it was about the Faith, the Christian girl (oh, I see what they did there. Clever) as she was the only one who seemed to have anything going on or any kind of angst about the situation, but she buses home about halfway through the film. The other three girls are pretty much gangster bimbo robots. You might think it’s about Alien but he is portrayed more as an antagonist and really only serves to propel the girls from place to place. It’s surreal.
I will give Korine props for probably coming in way under budget on this film as he seems to have only shot about half of the needed scenes and filled up the rest with flash-somethings all taken from other scenes already shown or about to be shown. Flash backs, flash forwards, and flash sideways cut scenes are used to fill up every monolog and even action or plot scenes. The net effect is to make the film really repetitive, especially when the same monologs and scene sequences are used over and over again. This is where the artistic appreciation comes in and I believe I have seen similar videos back in art school.
The story, for what it is. Spoilers incoming but if you are going to this film for the story you should probably just go stick your head in a sewage pipe. Four hot girls Faith, Candy, Brit, and Cotty (Selena Gomez-Hotel Transylvania, Monte Carlo, Another Cinderella Story, Vanessa Hudgens-Sucker Punch, High School Musical, Thirteen, Ashley Benson-Bring it On; in it to Win it, Pretty Little Liars, 13 Going on 30, Rachel Korine-Mister Lonely, the 4th Dimension, Lotus Community Workshop) go to the most boring college since my own Dullsville alma mater UC Irvine. Faith is the good Christian girl while the other three are exactly the slutty bimbos every college boy dreams his classmates are. They dream of going to St. Petersburg Florida for spring break but are short on cash. The three bimbos opt to rob a chicken joint with squirt guns and a hammer and off the four go (Image courtesy of the Movie T Shirt category). At that point watch any Carson Daly Spring Break special and you have the next 30 minutes of film. Eventually the girls get arrested for partying too hard and get bailed out by local rap star and drug dealer Alien (James Franco-Oz the Great and Powerful, Spider Man, Rise of the Planet of the Apes) who wants them for sex or something (character motivation is apparently an alien concept to Mr. Korine). They hang out with him for a while as he shows off how much drugs, money, and guns he has until Faith gets (correctly) creeped out and heads home. The other three join Alien in a crime spree which seems to mostly involve dancing in bikinis with guns and robbing tourists. Implied sex occurs, which is weird since the rest of the movie seems to have no problems showing off naked women. Meanwhile Aliens old best friend Archie (Gucci Mane-Beef 4. That’s about it. I guess he’s some kind of rap star or something?) is now his enemy and decides to kill him. They do a drive by and one of the girls gets shot in the arm. She actually gets a little interesting at that point but before she clutters up the screen with any pesky character development gets on another bus to head home. The two remaining girls and Alien go after Archie and Alien gets shot before the two girls get involved in a gun fight with a dozen gangsters that is so ridiculous you can’t help but laugh out loud. The end.
If that story seems a little short that’s because most of the film is filled up with flash backs and repetition.
The stars. I’ll give one for James Franco. He did a decent job. One star. The four girls were very easy on the eyes. One star. Lots of nudity (although you will see a significant disparity between the hotness of the girls who take their tops off and the girls who do not). One star. The former artist in me has to give one for at least attempting to do something artistic (if that is what Korine was actually trying to do and not, as I suspect, just messing around and laughing at the audience). One star. Four stars.
The black holes. No real story. One black hole. No characters to really identify with, and as soon as you start to that character wanders off the screen. Two black holes. A complete failure in establishing tone. I think this movie was supposed to be a serious film with some kind of meaning but the audience literally spent most of the movie laughing their asses off. One black hole. With the exception of Franco most of the acting was flat and mediocre, with none of the girls doing anything to establish any kind of separate identity. It was like watching a hot blond creature with three heads. One black hole. Repetitive as hell. One black hole. The action sequence at the end (that by that point I was dying for) broke all ability to suspend disbelief and firmly cemented this film in the ridiculous zone. One black hole. None of the characters seem to have any kind of motivation to do anything other than PARTEEEEEE! One black hole. Total: eight black holes.
So four black holes. Is it worth seeing? If I am wrong and there is significant artistic merit or if you just want to watch topless women dance in the sun in slow motion then yes. However, I will liken my movie going experience to this: have you ever ridden shotgun with someone who drives significantly faster or slower or just does things different from the way you do and you spend the whole trip wishing you had a steering wheel, gas, and brake on your side? That’s pretty much how I felt while sitting in the theater, although had I had a steering wheel I might have just driven this thing off the nearest cliff. Date movie? Hell no. Bathroom break? The repetitive nature of the film means you can pretty much cut out anywhere you like, but if you are looking for a particularly worthless scene (that’s like looking for a particularly boring part of West Texas) the scene where Alien sits at his piano and starts singing a Brittney Spears song (no joke) goes on forever and has no bearing on anything.
Thanks for reading. I’m headed to WonderCon in Anaheim this weekend so I might not have a lot of writing time, which sucks as there is a lot of stuff to see this weekend. I’ll try to have something to write for Monday. Follow me on Twitter @NerdKungFu. Comments on this film or my review can be left at the bottom of this page and off topic questions or suggestions can be emailed to [email protected].
By the way, I’m not myself a huge fan of the theater but I heard about a live play that is some kind of Sci Fi crime drama involving virtual reality. Since my ultimate goal is to end up a brain in a jar hooked to a computer this is of great interest to me. If any of you are are in the Culver City area check out the Nether and let me know what you think. Looks cool. Talk to you soon.
Dave
The Croods 3D Movie Review
Title failure.
I get the joke. Crood = crude as in neanderthals. However, the title literally says nothing about the film and is a made up word that sounds like it could be mistaken for a weird sexual sub culture like cloppers or steampunks. Also do you want the word crude in your title if you movie is not about oil? Most kids movie titles have a simple description in them. Toy Story was a story about toys. Finding Nemo was about finding a fish named Nemo. Cars was about cars. You get the picture.
Title aside, how was the movie? Not bad. Definitely leaned more towards kids than adults in the humor section, but Dreamworks does know how to craft an animated movie. Honestly I would say it was slightly less than I had hoped for but at least in the range of what I expected. 
The humor and story didn’t have all the adult appeal that a better film such as the Incredibles would include (Incredibles logo from the Cartoon T Shirt category) but there was the attempt. It’s definitely a movie that pretty much anyone on the planet of almost any age can enjoy, which is what all “family” movies look for.
Kids movies are hard to review. As I have stated before I don’t do my usual stars/black holes routine for them as I think quantifying a kids movie is a waste of time. If I were to hit this movie for specific annoyances one thing that would definitely hit them for would be the sound track. I don’t know who they got to produce the music (oh, wait. Yes I do. Thank you IMDB. Alan Sivestri-the Avengers, Captain America, Beowolf) but he must have been watching a lot of 70’s porn lately (actually that kind of makes sense when you consider Ron Jeremy looks a lot like a cave man. By the way if you just laughed you are officially a degenerate). The music is intrusive as hell and really got on me. It’s not all 70’s porn but rather a mishmash of bad choices all designed to get on my jock. I rarely notice a soundtrack in any movie I see so when I do you know it’s bugging me.
I will say I was pleased to see a role that Nicolas Cage could get behind and do really well with. His last couple of movies have not been where you would imagine a career spanning 3 decades would want to go.
The story is of the Croods, a family of cave men (and women) who live in a cave and spend their lives in fear of everything outside, which for the most part all wants to eat them. The father Grug (Nicolas Cage-Drive Angry, Season of the Witch, Valley Girl) teaches his family that anything new is to be feared and their best chance to be safe is to never leave the cave except when looking for food. The rest of the family (wife Ugga (Catherine Keener-Into the Wild, Being John Malkovich, the 40 Year Old Virgin), son Thunk (Clark Duke-Kick Ass, Hot Tub Time Machine, Sex Drive), grandmother Gran (Cloris Leachman-Young Frankenstein, the Iron Giant, Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid), baby Sandy (Randy Thom-the Incredibles, How to Train Your Dragon, Forrest Gump)) all agree with him with the exception of teenage daughter Eep (Emma Stone-Crazy, Stupid Love, Zombieland, the Help) who wants to explore. She sneaks out one night and meets Guy (Ryan Reynolds-Green Lantern, the Change Up, Safe House), a more advanced human who has the secret to fire. He tells her that the world is coming to an end and they have to get to higher ground or something.
Now go rent Ice Age: the Meltdown and you have the rest of the movie. The family has to keep moving to stay ahead of the wall of impending doom while overcoming assorted prehistoric (sort of. Not sure if this is supposed to be Earth at all. I don’t recall giant birds with four wings or rodents with two heads connected by a long tail from my Natural History class) obstacles. Grug is threatened by the presence of Guy while Eep has the hots for him. Lots of comic relieve shows up, as well as a ton of cute future plush toys.
Like I said I won’t do the whole star/black hole thing. I judge kids movies by how the kids in the audience seem to be acting and for the most part they all appeared to be enjoying it. None of them got bored and started acting out, so I guess if you are trying to keep your children entertained you could do a lot worse. Would I want to take my non-existant children to see it? Probably. Nothing to damage their tender brains (or my toughened one for that matter). Funny enough to keep mom and dad entertained but not so engrossing that if one of you wanted to bunk out for a smoke and make a phone call or three you would miss much. I predict this DVD will grace many a family entertainment collection in order to keep the kids out of your hair. By the way, the 3D was remarkably ineffective for an animated film.
Date movie? Sure, for mom and dad with kids. The movie isn’t so amazing or iconographic that a single girl you are courting will get turned on by it (plus no princesses). Bathroom break? Pretty much anywhere, but the best place is probably when the family is up in the tree resting and Grug is trying to come up with ideas.
Thenks for reading. I might not be able to post again until Tuesday. Follow me on Twitter @NerdKungFu. Post comments on this film or my review here, and if you have an off topic question or comment feel free to email me at [email protected]. Talk to you soon.
Dave
I have a new favorite holiday.
So I just found out that June 1st is National Punch a Hipster and I couldn’t be more excited. I am already putting together a posse to cruise Temescal and the Mission District. Most holidays I celebrate by playing video games or staring morosely at my TV, but now I have a holiday I’m actually excited to participate in. Also, rather than playing pretend violence I get to participate in some real violence!
In truth I doubt I will punch anyone. I’m really not a violent person. However, be warned on June 1st if you cross my path and are dressed like a ’70s flood victim, spent an hour making your hair look like you just got caught in a wind storm (or had someone really fart in your face), are willing to argue for an hour that vinyl records just sound better than digital, and know that iPads are mainstream but are using one ironically there is a pretty good chance you will get your aviator sun glasses pushed into your face with my fist. If you are doing all that while riding a fixie there is a very good chance it will happen.
Die Hipster Scum image courtesy of the Funny T Shirt category.
Dave
Happy -210th Birthday, Captain Kirk
Yes, 210 glorious years from now the greatest military man in the history of the human race will be born, destined to make it with every hot alien chick in the universe. Soon the universe will enjoy his clipped manner of speech and amazing hair (suck it Captain Picard).
One can only wonder if the should rolls of the future will measure up those we are so familiar with.
Of course Captain, since your fate is now in the hands of J.J. Abrams and he has already shown your history the respect a drunken homeless person shows a public lavatory it could be that you end up somehow completely different. Maybe he thinks it will be fun to have you go bald, or catch space AIDS, or just get married and forgo your rakish ways. However, based on what I have seen so far it would not surprise me to see him give you some kind of “force” power and equip you with a laser sword (or saber) of some kind. Since he has already remade Star Trek into some kind of war in the stars movie nothing would shock me now.
The Kirk image here I got from the Star Trek T Shirt collection. Fingers crossed that Into the Darkness is not what I kind of expect it to be.
Dave
Olympus has Fallen Review
Painfully stupid.
Over the past few years of doing these it has become apparent that the movie going audience craves stupid movies in the same way a 12 year old 300lb diabetic craves chocolate ice cream (if box office receipts are anything to base this on). And like a parent who feeds his obese child chocolate ice cream Hollywood could be accused of a certain amount of abuse by indulging in such base desires.
However, like the crack dealer who works down the street from my office everyone needs to get paid and Hollywood is no exception. I will say this movie is stupidly fun, but after a while for the thinking viewer the stupidity just keeps adding up until the weight of it compresses your brain into a diamond of perfect bitterness. For those of you who don’t bother to think I’m sure you will have a blast at this movie and the follow up Bachelor viewing party.
I was more than a little surprised at how stupid this film was. The director Antoine Fugua directed Training Day, one of my personal favorite films. As a fan of his previous work I am going to drop the blame for this on the two writers who have not a single movie (or TV, or YouTube video) credit to their names (production budget of $80,000,000 and they effectively hired two amateurs to write this thing. It is annoying).
I walked into this expecting a certain amount of flag porn (you know, so much u-rah! USA crap that uber right wing gun nuts like my cousin have to change their shorts after seeing it) and there was a certain amount of that, but what I really did not expect to see was the Secret Service portrayed as a bunch of moronic amateurs who barely know which end of the gun the bullets come out of. I have no real military training but even I know that charging forward in a group towards a machine gun was considered a bad plan even back in WWI. A lifetime of FPS video games has taught me the value of taking cover behind stuff in order to avoid turning into a bullet magnet, but somehow everyone except the main character seemed to feel either that taking cover was for wusses or that the Koreans were firing miniature nerd t shirt guns and they all wanted a Star Trek souvenir. Also it has been long established that we don’t negotiate with terrorists but in this film every person in the film was completely lacking in anything resembling a spine from the President down.
I was going to do an itemize list of the stupidity I saw in this film but that would be a big wast of time. Here are a few that really stick out, with a bonus science one. First off, it is laughable to believe that an unidentified cargo plane that refuses all hails would be allowed to come within sight of the White House. Also, fighter pilots are typically not dumb enough to both line up next to a potentially dangerous plane. I have to believe that Secret Service agents wear some kind of body armor, and that the front door of the White House is strong enough to withstand a single RPG. Those agents are well known for being extremely paranoid and highly trained, thus leaving it hard to believe that a bunch of strangers in the midst of an attempt on the Presidents life would be able to get the drop on them (not to mention know when to duck and take cover). I would like to think that anyone in line to become President would have the balls to not cave in to every demand that some terrorist made. I don’t know what kind of defenses the White House actually does have but I would be shocked to find out they didn’t have some kind of set of remote machine guns in case a group of commandos tries to take it out. In fact I would bet that a mere 40 commandos wouldn’t even make it across the front lawn. Finally the idea that there is a self destruct code for all our nuclear bombs that would allow for them to all blow up in the silos is laughable, and the idea that the North Koreans have the spies to figure it out is just dumb. Also, ordering a fleet out of an area and removing all the US troops in South Korea would take months, not done in an hour.
Let me take a moment and speak to my old friend science for a minute. Do you know what would happen if you threw a stick of dynamite into a nuclear bomb? 
OMG it would blow up! No, that’s not how they work. They aren’t just bigger piles of gun powder you can light with a fuse Wile E Coyote style. An A bomb is a precision instrument where the pieces of uranium have to come together with exact timing in order to reach critical mass. Any other way and all you get is a dirty bomb. You could pile all the nuclear bombs in the world in one place and line them with plastic explosive and all you would get would be a big radioactive mess. Also, what idiot designed a self destruct system that could be used to blow up the entire United States?
The bottom line is the implausibility of pretty much everything that happened in this film steadily bleeds the realism away leaving us to rely on our overworked suspension of disbelief. Essentially if we have a hard time believing all this could happen the enjoyment of the film really fades away. One of my favorite movie scenes in the last few years is the Nightcrawler attack on the White House in X2. I think the thing I like the most was seeing how cool and competent the Secret Service were. They were only foiled by mutant super powers beyond their ken. In this film they all look and act like mall rent-a-cops in suits. Also the villains plan goes out too far in scope, to the detriment of the tension.
Anyway, the story. Gerard Butler (Playing for Keeps, RocknRolla, 300. He’s Scottish for the record. Ironic that he plays the lead role in this super American film) is Mike Banning, Secret Service agent. He loses his position on the President’s (Aaron Eckhart-The Dark Knight, Battle Los Angeles, Thank You for Smoking) protection detail after dropping the First Lady (literally). He is now working in the Treasury. Meanwhile the President is meeting with the South Korean President when a cargo plane leisurely avoids all air defense in the most protected city in America and start shooting up the White House and Washington DC. The President is evacuated into an underground bunker where the Korean’s head of security (Rick Yune-the Fast and the Furious, Die Another Day, The Man with the Iron Fists) betrays them and captures him. He works for the North or something.
Anyway, it turns out that his team knows everything there is to know about the White House security and they take over all systems while his team of commandos tear through the Secret Service like Jason Vorhees going through a cheerleading camp. The Speaker of the House (Morgan Freeman-the Shawshank Redemption, the Dark Knight, Conan the Barbarian) is made temporary president (oh, yeah, the Vice President was hanging out with the Pres at the time of attack. No problems there I guess) and immediately caves in to every demand the North Koreans make including completely abandoning our allies the South Koreans to complete conquest by the North. Meanwhile Mike Banning has snuck into the White House and kicks seven kinds of hell out of every Korean he can find.
At that point it’s pretty much Die Hard in the White House. In fact the bad guys use exactly the same escape plan as they did in Die Hard. Banning sneaks around in the hidden wall passages and kills a bunch of guys one by one. I won’t completely spoil the movie but if you are of a patriotic bent expect to be pleasantly turned on.
The stars. It was fun, and if you are a Die Hard fan and don’t mind remakes than you will enjoy the action. Three stars. For the bad John McClane role he was handed Gerard Butler did decently with this role, and I liked the Korean bad guy. One star. This film won’t have you thinking you just wasted 120 minutes of your life even though on many levels you did. One star. Five stars total.
The black holes. The stupidity really ground on my enjoyment of the film like having a pebble in your 22 hole Doc’s and just not wanting to take the time to unlace them and get it out. One black hole. I was kind of offended at how incompetently the Secret Service was portrayed. One black hole. The fact that no one in this film had any spine and caved in at every opportunity made me lose respect for all the characters and therefore like them less. One black hole. The dialog was as schlocky as you could make it without actually cutting sound bites from the schlockiest films in movie history and pasting them together. One black hole. Some of the CGI and effects from the first half hour looked more than a little incomplete. One black hole. Total: five black holes.
A straight zero. I suppose if all you want is dumb action and consider a competent plot and dialog unnecessary options you will enjoy this. Otherwise a big “meh” from me. I suppose I am a little more disappointed than usual in that I thought going in this movie looked really cool and could have been exceptional. That will teach me to not get my hopes up. This could be seen on a big screen or small screen with no real loss of enjoyment. Big screen will mean the mediocre effects will be super visible. Date movie? Nah. There is a sort of love story (almost garnered another black hole for that one) but nothing in here is going to turn your date on. Bathroom break? Pretty much anywhere, really. There are a couple scenes towards the last half involving the nurse girlfriend working in a hospital that are pretty worthless. Go then if you need it.
Thanks for reading. I’m in LA on Sunday but will try to see something tonight. I’m kind of dying for some good sci fi so I’ll see what I can find. Follow me on Twitter @NerdKungFu. Post comments on this film or my review here, or send me off topic questions or suggestions to [email protected]. Thank again and have a great day.
Dave
The Call Movie Review
About 911 times better than I thought it would be.
I will admit I was not expecting much from this movie. Halle Berry has never before been on my list of actresses who are so engaging that I need to see whatever she stars in. 
As far as I was concerned all she was known for would be a really bad Storm from X-Men and a really, really, awfully super bad Catwoman in Catwoman. I have been told she did some good work in Monsters Ball but I was so annoyed about Catwoman that even the promise of seeing her topless could not entice me to watch that film.(X-Men image courtesy of the Marvel Comic T Shirt category)
In a sense I’m actually annoyed at this film for not sucking more because now I have to take Halle Berry seriously as an actress. I won’t say she made the movie happen but she was in every scene and played her roll very well. Of course in almost every scene she was either stressed out or freaked out and for all I know that might be her natural state of being, making her role very easy. Since I liked her for the most part in Cloud Atlas I guess she is starting to unbury her needle for me. She will have to do a lot more great movies to undo Catwoman, but this is a great step in the right direction.
What made this movie good in my mind is the fact that the director Brad Anderson (Transiberian, Session 9, the Machinist (awesome movie BTW)) managed to take a pretty formulaic story and have my friend and I gripping our armrests in true tension for most of the film. Having seen so many bad movies the part of my brain that actually connects with the films and feels such rarities as excitement or worry about the characters has shriveled up and more or less almost died, kept alive only through the occasional episode of the Walking Dead. This film however managed to connect to that dejected little clump of brain cells and throw a wild fiesta for them.
That’s not to say the film is perfect. Like I said, the story is really formulaic and about as simple and straightforward as riding a subway through a long tunnel. Towards the end the film shifted gears from a cool CSI style crime drama into an episode of Scooby Doo meets Saw, but for the most part it kept the tension levels high.
The story. Halle Berry (Cloud Atlas, X-Men, New Year’s Eve) plays Jordan Turner, a 911 dispatch operator working for the LAPD. It is established early on that she is very competent and experienced. A young girl calls in to report a man breaking into the house. She hides under the bed but when the phone disconnects Jordan calls her back, alerting the intruder as to where she is. The girl is kidnapped and later turns up in a shallow grave. Flash forward six months and Jordan is now in charge of training new operators and no longer works calls. One of her trainees gets a call from another girl (Abigail Breslin-Zombieland, Little Miss Sunshine, Signs) who is being kidnapped and is trapped in the trunk of the kidnappers car.
At that point the tension ramps up dramatically. The phone the girl is using is disposable making tracing it very hard. Jordan takes over the call and uses a series of really cool and interesting police tactics to try to find the car. You get to see a lot of neat internal stuff that I hope is actually accurate and not just made up for Hollywood. The girl kicks out a taillight and waves at another car. She pours a can of paint out and tries to leave a trail. The kidnapper (Michael Eklund-the Watchmen, 88 Minutes, the Divide) gets waived down by another car. He kills the guy and switches the car.
The story progresses this way, with the police doing all they can to track down the kidnapper. Eventually the trail goes cold at an old cabin his family owns. Eventually the story changes lanes from really cool to kinda stupid when Jordan opts to Scooby Doo it out herself. Things get creepier but dumber at the same time.
The stars. As much as it galls me to say this with the taste of Catwoman in my mouth I have to give props to Halle Berry for a very credible performance. One star. Abagail Breslin was pretty good too. One star. I’m not sure how best to describe this, but the fact that the movie kept me engaged as well as it did was awesome. Three stars. Pacing was dead on perfect for the story and genre. One star. Seeing how the 911 dispatch service operates was very cool. One star. Overall a very exciting time. One star. Total: eight stars.
The black holes. The story was stupid simple and so formulaic that had it not been for the tension it would have felt like filling out your tax return. One black hole. The villain was every sociopathic stereotype possible and extremely one dimensional. They tried to give him some back story but for the most part it didn’t really work. One black hole. The Third Act was lifted straight out from Saw. One black hole. Total: three black holes.
A total of five stars. I’m as surprised as you are. I rolled into this film sharpening my canines in anticipation of delivering a brutal mauling to a crap movie and was pleasantly shocked. I know I am enjoying a movie when I stop writing the review in my head and just watch. This film got some bad reviews from other people but I think it worth seeing. Date movie? If you are in a relationship and know she likes serial killers go for it. Otherwise not a good one. Some of this gets pretty creepy. Bathroom break? The scene where Jordan finally leaves the dispatch building and goes driving out is pretty unnecessary. Go for it. Honestly if you just pretended they caught the guy when they raided his cabin you might enjoy the movie more anyway.
Thanks for reading. I’m actually in town this week so expect to see a couple more reviews this weekend. I might have to go to LA to deal with some stupid crap Sunday night. Feel free to post comments here for this movie or my review. Off topic questions or suggestions can be sent to [email protected]. Follow me on Twitter @Nerdkungfu. Thanks again and have a great day. Talk to you soon.
Dave
Dead Man Down Review
I’m down with this film.
I was pleasantly surprised by this movie. It has been a long, grueling trip through the first part of this year with most of the movies I have seen being only slightly preferable to spending a week in an oubliette. As my personal and professional life gets busier I don’t get to see all the movies I used to, which makes seeing three bad ones in a row that much more grinding. (Dead Man Walking image courtesy of the Star Trek T Shirt category)
So when I saw that the first English movie for Swedish director Niels Arden Oplev (Girl With the Dragon Tattoo (Swedish version), Worlds Apart, We Shall Overcome) was coming out I was intrigued in the same way a shipwreck victim in intrigued by a life vest. Yesterday was an ETC Warhammer practice day and afterwards I got two of my friends to check it out.
Well done, with a different kind of story. I love revenge stories. The Count of Monte Cristo is one of my favorite books, and I have a love of revenge movies that goes way back. V for Vendetta is awesome, and if you ever have the chance check out an old movie called Johnny Handsome. Mickey Roarke when he was still young. This movie reminded me a lot of Johnny Handsome, in that a guy works for years on his revenge plot. It is not flawless, and the main issue stems from the movie shifting gears in the last 20 minutes from an intricate crime drama into a Die Hard remake, but for the most part is pretty damned good.
I am going to go easy on the story recap as it has a lot of cool twists I don’t want to see you miss out on. Colin Farrell (Phone Booth, Total Recall, In Bruges) plays Victor, a mid level thug who works for Alphonse (Terrence Howard-Iron Man, Hustle and Flow, the Crash). Alphonse is the subject of a long term revenge plot by an unknown assailant for an unknown reason. Meanwhile Victor’s neighbor Beatrice (Noomi Rapace-the Girl with the Dragon Tattoo, Prometheus, Sherlock Holmes: a Game of Shadows) witnesses him killing a guy in his apartment and uses that information to blackmail him into killing the man who wrecked up her face (drunk driver).
Meanwhile another thug and friend to Victor (Dominic Cooper-Captain America, Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter, The Devil’s Double) is actually making progress on unraveling who the unknown assailant is. The plot unspools nicely with beautiful pacing and a clear character arc for both Victor and Beatrice. Unfortunately in my mind the very cool tragic ending the movie was gearing up for doesn’t quite manifest itself and the toward the end it takes a sharp left into Action Movie Junction.
The stars. I’m not really a Colin Farrell fan but really liked him here. Who knew he could do grim so well? He might have just won me over. One star. I also enjoyed Noomi Rapace a great deal. She plays the wounded dove very nicely. One star. I cool, complicated story that managed to reveal itself in a manner that didn’t drive me nuts or leave any loose threads. Two stars. The director didn’t feel the need to over explain everything and even left a few plot points hanging for your imagination to fill. It’s so nice when a director doesn’t operate on the assumption that we are all mouth breathing moronic losers. I see it as a sign of respect. One star. Pacing ran like a well oiled machine for the most part. Just the right amount of exposition interspersed with some decent action. One star. The action, while in some cases out of place, was well done and exciting without being ridiculous. One star. Generally a fun movie. Two stars. Total: nine stars.
The black holes. That shift of gears to action felt really out of place. One black hole. I’m not going to lay this on Terrence Howard as I think he did a good job with the role, but the character of Alphonse felt kind of fake to me. He was at times comically stupid while at other times acting like he had read the script. I think a better job could have been done writing him. One black hole. Again, not going to throw in any spoilers but the ending that the movie was building up to and really deserved never manifested itself, leaving us with something that didn’t really match. One black hole. Three black holes total.
So a grand total of six stars. Definitely worth seeing, especially since we have been faced with nothing but garbage like A Good Day to Die Hard. Nothing on the screen really needs a theater, but if you want to join me in supporting decent films try to go see it. Otherwise NetFlix would work fine. Date movie? I’m going to say yes, in that this is a perfect comprise film. There is a love story that she will appreciate and enough crime and action to keep you entertained. Bathroom break? Not a lot you are going to want to miss. I’d say the scene right after Beatrice gets hit in the head with something doesn’t do more than support the romance part of the movie and could be missed without too much consequence, but hurry back as things ramp up pretty quick after that.
Thanks for reading. Plenty more to see out there so hopefully I can find some stuff to work on. Follow me on Twitter @Nerdkungfu. Post comments on this film or my review at the bottom of this post. Off topic questions or suggestions can be sent to [email protected]. Talk to you soon.
Dave
The Incredible Burt Wonderstone Review
90% a good movie.
This is one of those tragic films that seems to have all the elements of being a great film but somehow manages to just miss the mark. It has funny elements for sure, and the cast is stunning, but the sum of the parts of this film just felt like less than the individual values of them.
I saw it last night and have been trying to put my thumb on what the issue really is. It could be that the director, Don Scardino, really only has TV credits to his name. 
He directed a bunch of episodes of 30 Rock, and that’s kind of what this film felt like; a three part episode of 30 Rock (30 Rock image courtesy of the TV Show T Shirts). Clever lines, funny characters, and running jokes that are all ha ha funny but not bust your gut funny. Some of the elements border on genius, but most of it is that special kind of comedy that graces the pages of the New Yorker magazine where you are more or less obligated to admit that the joke is intellectually funny but doesn’t actually do anything to tickle your funny bone.
I will say the cast and acting was impressive as all hell. Everything you have ever loved about Steve Carrell, Steve Buscemi, and Jim Carrey is displayed in force here, and the best scenes are the interactions between the three. The rest of the supporting cast also knocked it out of the park. All around an A+ for the performers.
The story is of Vegas magicians Burt Wonderstone (Steve Carell-the Office, Crazy, Stupid Love, the 40 Year Old Virgin) and Anton Marvelton (Steve Buscemi-Fargo, Resevoir Dogs, the Big Lebowski) as they get tired of their act and each other. They start off as best friends in grade school but by the end are treating it like a mediocre job they don’t want to do. Meanwhile street musician Steve Grey (Jim Carrey-Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, the Truman Show, Dumb and Dumber) is edging out their act by doing Chris Angel style stunts such as holding his urine for 12 days. Burt and Anton have a falling out as they try to do something as difficult and go their separate ways. Burt more or less fails out of show business and end up entertaining retirees at an old age home.
There he meets his youth idol Rance Holloway (Alan Arkin-Argo, Little Miss Sunshine, Edward Scissorhands) who helps re-ignite his old passion for magic. He goes back to the basics and puts together an act with Anton and his former assistant Jane (Olivia Wilde-Tron:Legacy, In Time, the Change Up. Weird. I wouldn’t have thought I did three full reviews for her movies. Too bad they all kind of sucked since I kind of like her) to go head to head with nemesis Grey. Magic happens, but nothing that would surprise you.
The stars. Overall excellent cast and acting. If you are a fan of any of the actors in this film you will see them displayed in their best light. Three stars. There were parts that were really funny, especially the scenes between Carrell and Buscemi. One star. I don’t usually go in for this sort of thing but I have to give the makeup people special props. They managed to make all the characters look significantly different from what you are used to seeing, and the work they did with Alan Arkin was brilliant. One star. The scene shot for the beginning of the credits was funnier than the entirety of the film. Don’t rush to leave your seat. One star. Generally a fun movie all around. One star. Total: seven stars.
The black holes. The film story was predictable, and generally borrowed heavily (including the main character) from any Will Ferrel you want to name except Stranger than Fiction. One black hole. A lot of the humor didn’t really strike a chord with the audience (except for at the end). It was like hearing a joke you didn’t get and then having the joker explain it to you. Eventually you throw a courtesy laugh to get him to shut up but the moment has passed. One black hole. The romance sub plot between Carrell and Wilde was really tacked on and had no meaning or relevance. One black hole. Total: three black holes.
A grand total of four stars. Yes, I enjoyed it and believe you will as well. However, a year from now I sincerely doubt anyone not cursed with my stupid incredible memory for bad movie plots will really remember this film. It will just pass by and five years from now when your girlfriend picks it out as something to watch you will remember having seen it after the first 10 minutes. Date movie? Sure, no harm here. It is cute and funny with very little to offend her. Mostly harmless. Bathroom break? The scene where Carrell and Wilde start making out after planning their big number is pretty worthless. There isn’t a scene in this film that missing it will damage your understanding, so feel free to go whenever.
Thanks for reading. I’ll try to see something tomorrow night after a scheduled round of Warhammer ETC practice (if you know what that is cool. If you don’t explaining will serve no purpose). Follow me on Twitter @NerdKungFu. Post comments on this review or the film here, and if you have off topic questions or suggestions feel free to email me at [email protected].
Dave
Iron Giant Still Holds Up
I haven’t had a lot of time for blogging as I am dealing with the second flood in my warehouse in a week. My upstairs neighbors are the most moronic dregs of humanity available. I’m seeing Burt Wonderstone tonight so look for that review tomorrow.
However, on Wednesday I went to movie night and my friend Brian showed us The Iron Giant. This movie made my 10 best animated movies list and after last night I’m glad I included it. It has everything a kid and/or adult nerd could want in a film: a giant friendly robot who turns into an unstoppable killing machine. Really, what more do you want for a great flick?
One thing I learned during the course of the film is the guy who made the film, Brad Bird, was considered a failure after this film tanked in the box office and was on his way out when he got an offer from fledgling animation company Pixar to make the Incredibles. Thank god for someone’s sharp eye at Pixar.
Anyway, sorry for the brief blog but I have been up to my bottom in dealing with idiots. Look for a complete review tomorrow. The Iron Giant image comes to us from the Cartoon T Shirt category, by the way. Talk to you soon.
Dave
Oz the Great and Powerful Review
Oz may be great and powerful, but his movie is mediocre and predictable.
It always annoys me when a movie comes out with a title that is so rife with pun possibilities and then absolutely refuses to bury the needle in either really good or really sucktastic. Movie title puns are worthless when the film is content to hover in the mediocre zone, and consequently makes my review that much harder to write.
As members of the movie going audience you and I should be grievously insulted by the lack of respect the studio is showing us in the development of the story for this film. They seem to think we are all knuckle dragging missing links who are easily entertained by pretty scenery and bright colors. Now while that may be true in my case I am insulted for you, my beloved and intelligent nerd reader. I think what we are seeing here is is another example of art being sold out in every way in favor of money. You see my lovelies more and more studios are unearthing vast piles of previously unclaimed cash in the form of foreign market ticket sales. The fact is movies that are pretty to look at but have stupid/simple stories are the ones that make the most money overseas and since a stupid script does not seem to inhibit sales domestically (opening weekend in the US this film cleared $80.3 million) why not write a story that would have a hard time competing against fan created Kirk/Spock slash porn?
In a perfect world this recipe would be self correcting as American audiences eventually figured out how dumb this stuff is and voted with their feet this plan and these films would eventually die on the vine, but thanks to all you knuckle dragging missing links feeding the Great Stupidity Beast with your wallets it seems to still be working.
Sigh. That was a little bitter even for me. I think I am just more burnt because I really wanted this film to be great. The trailers were awesome, the visuals I saw were amazing, and Sam Raime has done some great films in his day. Of course recently he did Spider-Man 3 featuring emo-Peter Parker, so maybe he has lost his touch. I guess I just need to wait until the home movie making technology catches up to the point that three art students and a nerd can create an amazing film in the nerd’s basement before the story bar gets raised up again. I’m just tired of movies with a $215 million budget (to any of my readers in Guinea your entire country’s GNP last year was $199,274,000) having a story that looks like it was written by three guys who failed out of clown collage (AKA USC).
Before I get into the story I’m also going to say this movie is a good example of failure via bad casting. I have nothing against James Franco. I thought he was great in Rise of the Planet of the Apes and really funny in Your Highness. Aside from the burning hatred of 10,000 suns I feel for all Hollywood pretty boys for their amazing lives I can’t really say much bad about him. However, I really think he was miscast as Oz in this film. He just doesn’t read as a powerful wizard or carnival con man. The only thing that struck me as real was his ability to hook up with every hot girl in the film, but even that felt out of character. He just feels too sincere for a charleton. I heard the original cast was for Robert Downey Jr., which in my opinion would have been much, much better.
The story. Oz the Great is a circus performer who uses cheap tricks to get every girl around him into bed (there’s the wholesome Disney we all look for in a family friendly film). While on the run from the Strong Man for hooking up with his wife he jumps into a hot air balloon and is caught up in a twister. He lands in the magical land of color (I mean Oz).
I have used the phrase deus ex machina in other reviews. Translated from Latin (I took three years of that in high school) it means “god from the machine” and when applied to stories it refers to the unexpected intervention of some higher power or events that had nothing to with the story so far to propel the plot. It is a lazy writers tool to get out of a corner and generally makes for a lame story as nothing ever gets resolved from the actions of the characters. 
To say that this movie had a lot of deus ex machine would be like saying that the people of the Soviet Union were somewhat influenced by the Communist Party (Hammer and Sickle image courtesy of the political t-shirt category). Oz is met by the witch Theadora (Mila Kunis-Ted, Friends with Benefits, Black Swan) who immediately tells him that there is a prophesy of a great wizard with the name of Oz will save the land from the wicked witch and become king.
This prophesy is known by pretty much everyone in the land and they all believe him to be the dude. On the way to the Emerald City he rescues a cute flying monkey from a cowardly lion (ugh. This film seriously labors under the burden of referencing everything possible from the original film) and gains a lifetime sidekick. He also manages to talk Theadora into a one night stand (Walt must be spinning in his grave). Once at the city he is told by the other witch Evanora (Rachel Weisz-the Brothers Bloom, the Mummy, the Bourne Legacy) that his quest is to kill the wicked witch Glinda (Michelle Williams-Shutter Island, My Week with Marilyn, Brokeback Mountain).
I hope you are all sitting for the shock I am about to lay on you (big spoiler alert in case you are brain damaged) but Glinda is actually the good witch and Evenora is the wicked one! After Glinda convinces Oz of this by the infallible logic of “Any woman as hot as I am who you have not already slept with must be right” he joins up with the good people of Oz in their fight against the wicked sisters. Theadora eats a bad apple and turns pretty gross looking. More DEM as it turns out that 1/3rd of the population of the land of Oz are skilled craftsmen who can make anything. Oz tries to chicken out but has a completely unexpected change of heart and they all work together to fool the witches that they are not completely defenseless.
The stars. The movie was very pretty, and some of the visuals fairly stunning. Two stars. The monkey and the little china girl were both really good side kicks. One star. None of the women were hard on the eyes, at least before they ate the apple. One star. The evil flying monkeys were kind of cool. One star. Total: five stars.
The black holes. The story was just dumb. Deus ex machina should only be used if you get into a corner. It should not be the main plot device propelling the story. Two black holes. James Franco was not a great choice for Oz IMO. One black hole. Believe it or not, a lot of the CGI look kind of crappy. Most of the big scenes looked like some artists dream job but when it came time for the CGI creatures to interact with the humans you could really see the difference. The whole thing reminded me strongly of Cool World. Also the 3D was extremely intrusive and at the same time unnecessary. Can we finally admit that it is a technology that no one cares about? One black hole. Total: four black holes.
One star total. Is it worth seeing? Sure, just like any number of more or less worthless Disney films are worth seeing. You won’t walk away with anything but at least it won’t diminish your life. Date movie? Yes, especially if she is a big Oz fan from childhood or is just easily entertained by giant colorful flowers. Bathroom break? There’s a scene towards the last 1/3rd where Oz has to tuck the china girl in bed that’s pretty unnecessary. Go for it.
Thanks for reading. Follow me on Twitter @Nerdkungfu. Post comments about this film or my review here. Off topic questions can be emailed to me at [email protected]. Talk to you soon.
Dave
