Some thoughts on 30 Rock
So I finished season 2 of the Walking Dead and (of course) loved it. However, it was all around pretty grim and depressing so I figured after all that zombie stuff I could used some lighter fare and went with season 6 of 30 Rock. I have always enjoyed it. For me the measure of a good comedy is one wherein none of the main characters bug me, and 30 Rock manages to pull that off nicely. I am particularly a fan of Kenneth. I think he rules.
The thing I just noticed, however, is unlike a series like the Walking Dead I really can’t sit down and watch more than two shows in a row. If it’s zombies I can sit at my painting table and run six episodes in a row, but with 30 Rock I am full up after two. Maybe there is a limit to how much sophisticated, clever NY humor I can handle. I always noticed the same thing with Seinfeld, although not so much with Friends. Of course, whenever I got bored with the humor on Friends I could occupy my attention with just looking at any of the three women.
I’m trying to figure out if this indicates some kind of low brow mentality on my part. It possibly could. I will admit I laugh like a maniac whenever I see someone get punched in the testicles. On the other hand most fart or excrement humor really turns me off. It can be funny, but only if done in the right way.
Anyway, it is a bit of a conundrum. Sorry I don’t have a lot else to write about. I have a lot going on right now and my time is really taken up. I will try to see some movies this weekend and write up some good reviews. By the way, the Tracy image I pulled from the TV show t shirt category. We have a bunch of 30 Rock on there.
Dave
Seven Pychopaths Review
A fun movie, filled with dark humor, quirky characters, and misogamy.
I am not really a fan of misogamy, but almost every other aspect of this movie kind of rocked from me. 
Weird story, dangerous, psychotic characters, and some of my favorite actors, including the great Christopher Walken (Fear the Walken image courtesy of the Funny T Shirt category). The misogamy takes the form of every female character having less than three minutes on screen and most of them dying in brutal ways, but I don’t honestly think that was the filmmakers intention.
Oh, on a less generous day I might say the story wandered back and forth a bit and kind of lacked focus, but a movie called Seven Psychopaths that is about seven psychopaths can be forgiven for dropping story in favor of more character development. The characters are all laid out and presented very well, with what I consider enough time spent on each to give the audience an understanding of their individual nuances. This film is definitely a character study, with each of the seven being different shades of guys you never want to ever mess with. While I am of course a Walken fan I have to give mass recognition to Woody Harrelson as the scariest nut job since Natural Born Killers.
The story is of Marty (Colin Farrell-Total Recall, In Bruges, Fright Night), a struggling (sort of. He sure has a nice apartment and hot girlfriend for a struggling writer. Most of the struggling writers I knew in LA were lucky if they had a clean dumper to sleep in) writer who is working on writing a script about seven psychopaths and killing his liver with alcohol. He is friends with one psychopaths Billy (Sam Rockwell-Iron Man 2, Napoleon Dynomite, Cowboys and Aliens) who makes a living by kidnapping dogs and then returning them once a reward is posted. He is assisted by Hans (Christopher Walken-True Romance, Joe Dirt, Things to do in Denver when you are Dead), who’s wife is in the hospital. They both have secrets that are revealed during the film, and in order to help Marty Billy starts telling him stories about psychopaths he has met or heard of, including the Jack of Diamonds killer who only kills mafia guys.
Billy and Hans make the mistake of kidnapping a dog belonging to local gang kingpin Charlie (Woody Harrelson-Friends with Benefits, Zombieland, No Country for Old Men), who is a violent sociopath who cares for not a thing in the world except his precious dog. He starts on a rampage across LA to find his dog. Other characters are introduced, including some convoluted back and side stories. The fourth wall gets beaten on pretty heavily (it is strongly implied that the script Marty is working on is actually the script for the movie we are watching, and some of the characters may or may not have been fictional from the protagonists point of view. At one point Hans even says “You don’t know how to write female characters” in reference to all the misogamy) but in a good way. I don’t want to get too much deeper into this film as it is full of potential spoilers.
The stars. I love a movie that treats characters as the reason for existing, rather than the necessary horses needed to pull the film plow. Two stars. Most of the characters were each in their own way intriguing and interesting. One star. Woody Harrelson was particularly good. One star. So was Christopher Walken. One star. Filming was admirable, and pacing quite good. One star. Dark humor is always fun for me, and really lacking in movies these days. One star. In general a good, fun movie. Two stars. Total: nine stars.
The black holes. The story kind of lacked focus. It wandered from set piece vignette to set piece vignette, and we got to the third act without really understanding a lot of the motivation behind it. Consequently the ending was kind of flaccid. One black hole. There was one character who did not add a lot from the film and was really like watching a mini film outside of the story. He later came to play an expository role towards the end but honestly that could have been done with any of the characters involved in the story. One black hole. I’ll give one for the misogamy just because I have enough friends who will give me crap if I don’t. I don’t think it was a critical element of the film but once I notice it I kept coming back to it. One black hole. Total: three black holes.
A grand total of six stars, a very good score for me. Should you see it? Yes, in my opinion. I think most people will find at least one character that holds interest. If you like psychology, good drama, and plot twists for sure. If all you want is guns and explosions this film is actually kind of light in those. Date movie? Maybe. I’m not really sure how this one would play out. Could go either way, and therefore I would not recommend it based on the principle of “if it doesn’t help your cause, get rid of it”. However, if your date is into characters she might enjoy it. Bathroom break? At 110 minutes you might need one, but I am struggling to figure out where to do it. Maybe the scene where Marty, Billy, and Hans are all camping out in the desert. You definitely don’t want to miss any of the Charlie scenes.
Thanks for reading. Follow me on Twitter @Nerdkungfu. Post any comments on this film or my review here, and if you have any off topic questions or suggestion feel free to email me at [email protected]. Lots more to see this week, so hopefully I’ll have something for you soon.
By the way, I got a note from casting director looking to do a reality TV show where they take low manliness men and send them to Man Camp or something. It has been a while since I did any of my Nerd Dating Advice columns but I can highly recommend machismo as a means of attracting women. If you or someone you know struggles with confidence, can’t seem to talk sports, likes drinks with fruit and umbrellas, and is just a little too much in touch with his feminine side consider it. I would go in myself but I’m afraid all my massive machismo in that room might spontaneously form cold fusion and cause a quantum singularity that would rip our planet apart, so for the sake of the human race will refrain. However, it seems like it could be fun and who knows? Maybe it will change your life or at least get you some notoriety you can exploit to hook up with reality TV groupies.
Talk to you all soon.
Dave
Here Come the Boom Review
What could possibly make Kevin James more appealing? How about Kevin James in a unitard?
That’s a little unfair I guess. I actually enjoyed this movie. I think it’s fair to say that to date I have not treated Kevin James movies with the kindest hand. For the most part I find them to be lame remakes of King of Queens but instead of playing a fat loser UPS driver with an incredibly hot wife he plays a fat loser job X with the incredibly hot wife/girlfriend. There’s only so much Kevin James looking lame in a dumb uniform that I can handle.
This movie manages to exceed the boundaries of the genre. The Kevin James genre that is. Sure, he plays a fat high school teacher who ends up within a hot girlfriend (Selma Hayek). However it didn’t annoy me like it usually does and I found myself rooting for his character. Maybe it’s because he kept getting his ass beaten over and over.
This movie had other elements that worked as well. The characters were all interesting and well-developed, especially Henry Winkler. The story had no glaringly obvious potholes, except of course for the obvious one of a 42-year-old high school biology teacher beating fighting and winning against an MMA champion who looks like a white Hulk. But generally it was a fun, harmless movie.
The story follows the general Rocky, Bad news Bears, Kevin James formula (Rocky image courtesy of the Movie T Shirt category). Scott Voss (Kevin James-the Zookeeper, King of Queesn, Paul Blart, Mall Cop) is a high school biology teacher who is kind of on his ass not giving a damn about teaching anymore. He is on the outs with his principle (Greg Germann-Bolt, Ally McBeal, Sweet November), who is sort of the villain but not really. He is also into the school nurse Betty (Selma Hayek-Desperado, Once Upon a Time in Mexico, Frida. As an aside, our school followed the “I hope you know how to put on your own band aid because if you get hurt you will bleed to death” policy of not having a school nurse but if we had had one this hot I would have managed to get hurt every day) who consistently rejects him. He is friends with the music teacher Marty Streb (Henry Winkler-Happy Days, the Water Boy, Night Shift) who is dedicated to helping his kids. Unfortunately the principal has to announce the cessation of all extracurricular activities due to lack of budget.
Any of this sounding familiar? Scott meets an MMA trainer named Niko (Bas Rutten-the Smashing Machine, Paul Blart, Mall Cop, Inside MMA). Once he learns what even losing MMA fighters earn he decides to train to be an MMA fighter and donate his winnings to saving the music program. After that it’s pretty much fat Rocky. There is a sub plot about a girl in the music programs who’s father needs her to work at his restaurant, Niko’s trying to pass the citizenship test, and Scotts father or brother (I really couldn’t figure it out) hating his job. Honestly they were all pretty minor and managed to not derail the plot at all.
Scott eventually ends up in the octagon with a bad ass MMA fighter known as the Executioner (Krzysztof Soszynski-the Ultimate Fighter, CSI) who looks like he chews on railroad ties for breakfast. There is some cool stuff in the background about how the MMA sets up and supports stuff like this that may or may not be real.
The stars. The actual fighting was kind of cool. Hokey in a Three Stooges kind of way at first but got better as Scotts skills advanced, showing a nice progression. One star. Henry Winkler was pretty awesome. One star. The entire rest of the cast managed to deliver a fine performance, and even the actual MMA fighters used in the film did a really good job of it (normally athletes pulled into movies are the death knell of the acting qualities. Just look at Shaun White in Friends With Benefits). One star. Selma Hayek can grace my screen any time she likes, if you know what I mean. One star. By the end of the film I found myself actually rooting for Scott, which means they managed to get me to connect with the protagonist. Always a good move for a movie. One star. In spite of what I was expecting (suckage) it was a good and fun film experience. One star. Total: six stars.
The black holes. The entire concept of a 43 year old overweight guy beating anyone in MMA is laughable. One black hole. You spend a lot of time seeing Kevin James in a unitard. That’s a lot of dumpy white guy to have to look at. One black hole. Total: two black holes.
A grand total of four stars. Honestly I’m as surprised as anyone. In concept this looked to be a lame as possible without starring Nicholas Cage. However, I have to say I enjoyed it quite a bit. Should you see it? Sure, why not? It won’t surprise you but it won’t offend you. I’d say the best word for it is safe. Date movie? Actually yes. It has a good, uplifting message and Kevin James is one actor you can probably count on looking at least decent in comparison. Bathroom break? A big stretch of the movie is training montage and none of that is really too critical. If I had to pick a point I’d say the scene where Niko is teaching his yoga class could readily be missed, and it’s towards the second half so it would serve you well. The movie is 105 minutes so it’s not too long, but maybe just long enough to need a break.
Thanks for reading. I also saw Seven Psychopaths and will review that one tomorrow morning. I will try to see Argo and Sinister this week. Follow me on Twitter @Nerdkungfu. Post any comments you have on this film or my review here. Off topic questions or comments can be emailed to [email protected]. Talk to you soon. Have a great day.
Dave
Pitch Perfect Review
Worthlessly entertaining.
I am, in the parlance of nerd gaming culture, a tread head. In other words, tanks are my favorite thing to play. I have always played better driving a tank than any other type of FPS, and I think in a previous life I must have been a tank crewman. One of the things I love about tanks is they have absolute singularity of purpose. They are designed to kill stuff on the outside while keeping the stuff on the inside safe. You can’t use them to drive the kids to church, plow a field, or tailgate at a football game. In this day and age of multi function devices they are absolutely assured of their one place in the world and nothing will ever budge them from that.
Why, you ask, would I start off a review of a chick flick like Pitch Perfect talking about tanks? Because Pitch Perfect is diametrically opposed to the idea of singular purpose. It almost defies categorization. It is sort of a comedy, sort of a chick flick, sort of a romance film, sort of a Glee rip off, sort of a coming of age film, and sort of a sisterhood story. It has all the focus of a cheap security camera at the bottom of a 50 gallon drum of petroleum jelly, yet in spite of all that is weirdly engaging and entertaining.
I’m actually disappointed in that. I chose this film hoping it would be as bad as all logic and every trailer indicated it would so I could come home and tear into it like a jackal with a freshly killed gazelle. After the run of decent movies I have seen lately I need something to sharpen my teeth on. However, once I got over the testicle shrinking experience of sitting in a theater filled with more estrogen than a Lilith Fair I found to my surprise I was actually laughing at moments, and for some reason really liking the characters. Even the dumb acapella jokes (“Aca-excuse me?!”) had me laughing.
The story itself is as vapid and insubstantial as possible without actually being written by the Kardassians, and after a while the singing will have your ears bleeding if you aren’t yourself an acapella fan, but the characters and jokes are enough to carry it through. Don’t misunderstand me. This is not a great movie. You will not learn or feel anything amazing by the end of this film. It will not touch you emotionally or inspire you to be closer to your loved ones. The best you can hope for is the modest satisfaction of filling another 112 minutes of your individual journey towards oblivion. However, like a popsicle made of Kool-Aid in an ice cube tray with tooth picks, it is better than nothing.
One thing this movie did for me was remind me of why college kids are the preferred target of horror movie monsters and serial killers. 20 minutes into this film and I was ready to go chainsaw shopping. However, another 20 minutes in I had gotten to like a lot of them enough to not want this movie to turn into another Friday the 13th (Creature from the Black Lagoon image courtesy of the Horror Movie T Shirts).
The other thing to remember going into this film is the entire premise of the film is based around the idea that acapella singing is the end all and be all of everything cool in the universe. Remember a few years ago when there was a movie about a national karaoke contest that had a huge cash payoff? Well, let me tell you this sort of thing does not really ring true. The whole concept felt forced and fake all the way through.
The story is extremely derivative. See if this rings any bells. Young, anti social but heartbreakingly cute girl goes to a new environment where she meets a struggling group striving to win the big award at something and by the end is pulled from her shell in order to give them their best chance at victory. In this case the hot anti social girl is Beca (Anna Kendrick-Scott Pilgrim Versus the World, 50/50, Twilight), a wanna be DJ (number 6 on the top ten loser jobs that sound really cool when you are 18) and the new environment is Barden University, the lamest college in the history of education. It is so lame that all normal forms of college fun-frats and sororities, sports, drugs and alcohol, sex-as well as all scholastic priorities must take a back seat to the coolest activity ever: acapella singing. She (correctly) decides it is lame when the head of the Bellas Audrey (Anna Camp-the Help, Forgetting the Girl, 8 Easy Steps) and her friend Chloe (Brttany Snow-Hairspray, John Tucker Must Die, Prom Night) try to recruit her. She gets convinced to try out when Chloe hears her sing in the shower. We are also introduced to the real comedic force behind this film Fat Amy (Rebel Wilson-Bridesmaids, the Wedge, What to Expect When You are Expecting). She was honestly funny and enjoyable.
The rest of the crew is rounded out with a few oddballs. There is the incredibly soft spoken Asian who is secretly more messed up than any of them (Hana Mae Lee-no other film credits. She had a role on Workaholics), the black lesbian (Nicole Lovince-also first movie role. She was in Worst. Prom. Ever.), the local slut (Shelly Regner-another newcommer.), and a few others. Their big competition is the Treble Makers, the all male acapella champion group lead by self obsessed jerk Bumper (Adam DeVine-Adam from Workaholics). There is a guy who Beca has a thing for (Skylar Astin-Hamlet 2, Talking Woodstock) and some other nerd (Ben Platt-no other roles) who are either on the Treble Makers or dream of it. If you have seen Bring it On and more than a couple episodes of Glee I pity you but you pretty much know the story.
The stars. While the story sucked and the premise blew, I have to say I really got to like all the characters in this film. Great job in casting IMO. One star. Most of the girls were extremely easy on the eyes. One star. There were some honestly funny dialog moments. One star. There were two vomiting scenes that had me laughing my ass off. Something about otherwise well put together and attractive people puking makes me laugh like nothing else. One star. The sub plot with the bitchy roommate I thought well played, as well as the total nerd dude. Very much reminded me of college. One star. Generally stupidly fun. One star. Total: six stars.
The black holes. The story would make my high school AP English teacher kill herself. One black hole. The premise that there are more people who care about acapella singing than the people actually doing it is incredibly lame. One black hole. There was definite musical accompaniment for a lot of the acapella singing, and I have to say if you are not a fan the music grinds on you after a while. One black hole. The entire movie is a mashup of Glee, Bring it On, and Bridemaids with a light dusting of Animal House and West Side Story. One black hole. Total: four black holes.
A grand total of two stars, which is literally about seven higher than I expected to give this film. This movie was clearly not made for me or anyone with two functioning testicles, so if Glee-ish chick flicks do something for you I don’t think you will be disappointed. However, don’t expect this movie to make you feel at all macho. Date movie? You should never ever suggest this one but if she does I’d say yes. You see, if a girl subjects you to this film and then doesn’t reward you with sex then you know that she is secretly a sadist and you are better off dumping her before she locks you in her oubliette. Bathroom break? Pretty much anywhere you like. There isn’t a lot in here that I would consider necessary, and at 112 minutes you will need something. If I had to pick a moment I’d say the bus ride to finals after Fat Amy gets hit with a flying burrito.
I will say one last thing on this movie and that is if acapella singing gets a film then I can hope for a Warhammer movie in there someday. I kind of see myself cast as the villain in that one, and I don’t think a lot of my friends would argue with that. Honestly I would be willing to bet it would be at least as interesting, if missing a lot in distaff actors. If any producers are interested in working out a concept feel free to contact me.
Thanks for reading. More to see this week. Hopefully something out there will really suck and give me something to tear apart (what’s that you say? There is a new Kevin James movie this Friday where he becomes an MMA fighter? Score!!!). Actually I have a Warhammer tournament this weekend (Infernal Zoo) so I don’t think I will be able to write a new review until Sunday night. Follow me on Twitter @Nerdkungfu. Feel free to post any comments on this film or my review on it here, and if you have any off topic questions or suggestions feel free to email me at [email protected]. Talk to you soon.
Dave
Taken 2 Review
Watch this and feel taken too.
Headed into this film I felt an unusual level of ennui not normally associated with Luc Besson or Liam Neeson films (for those of you who aren’t uptight pretentious intelligencia (or don’t dream of one day becoming one) ennui is “a feeling of utter weariness and discontent resulting from satiety or lack of interest”. In other words, I had a hard time giving a crap). It looked like another miserable retread of an otherwise decent film in an attempt to get another ounce of milk out of the cow that is we the movie going audience.
Fortunately for my personal self esteem regarding my almost psychic ability to predict the suck levels of movies, it was exactly that. I think it now fair to say that Luc Besson has problems with sequels. He is brilliant when he comes up with his original film ideas but like the Piers Anthony of the film world (special geek cred if you get that joke) he falls in love with his own characters and decides they need a sequel when honestly he should have just let them sit in splendor as the brilliant stand alone movies they are. Columbiana was a perfect example, as is this dog.
Thankfully for Luc (and unfortunately for us) there are legions of Hollywood executive types eager to beat any dead horse lying in the street and spread whatever foul ichor spews forth from it’s assorted orifices (orifi?) all over the screen (I am currently looking forward to seeing Citizen Kane II: Rosebud’s Revenge, Godfather Apocalypse, and E.T. the Extra Terrestrial Resurrection. You know it’s only a matter of time). This film is not necessarily as bad as that, but it in no way deserves to be associated with the original Taken (or, for that matter, does Taken deserve to have references to itself crowbarred into this film in every way shape and form).
However, like most issues in films the blame does not reside firmly in Luc’s lap but rather in the lap of the director, candidate-for-stupidest-name-ever Olivier Megaton (he takes his name from his birthday, which was the 20th anniversary of the dropping of the bomb on Hiroshima. Why didn’t he just name himself Olivier Douchebag? Isn’t that about the same? I have a friend who was born on Christmas Day, but she didn’t rename herself Katherine Stigmata). I guess the director of Taken (Pierre Morel) was too talented for this film so they hired the guy who is best known for miserable flop Columbiana. His ham handed approach to action with a complete disregard for story is all over the inside of this film like a frog in a microwave.
As long as I am bitching about the direction I am going to take a moment to rail against an ugly trend in action movies that I have coined (and expect a royalty from all you other reviewers out there for) quick cut action sequencing. This is where in a fight scene rather than actually hire actors who can fight and a choreographer who can set up a scene they just film the actors throwing punches, rolling around together, and spitting fake blood and then edit the whole bundle into a series of 1/4 second or less fast shots that simulate action while letting you know nothing about what is actually going on. It is a horrible technique, and all who ascribe to it shall one day eat a turd in hell for movie blaspheme. However, what Megaton did was decide that this technique is so awesome at hiding his inability to direct that he was going to apply it not only to fight scenes but every gun fight and car chase as well. As soon as the action music starts rolling the film starts to look like you are trying to watch it through a kaleidoscope in a shockless car on a dirt road. Even the slow motion car explosion scenes are cut into 5-10 tiny little headache inducing cuts. It is a horrible technique and needs to stop.
Anyway, the story, for lack of a better term. It is now five years past the events of Taken, and ex CIA operative Bryan Mills (Liam Neeson-Taken, The Grey, Batman Begins) is still obsessively stalking his daughter Kim (Maggie Grace-Taken, Lockout, Lost), who in spite of being five years older than she was in the last movie (when she was 17) still doesn’t have her drivers license. There is some really pointless character development with his ex wife Lenore 
(Jean Grey from all the X-men movies. X-men image courtesy of the Comic Book T Shirt category) and the meeting of Kim’s boyfriend Jamie (Luke Grimes-Assassination of a High School President, Brothers and Sisters, All the Boys Love Mandy Lane) who as a face you just want to stick fists into. In spite of the fact that last time she traveled to a foreign country she was kidnapped and sold as a sex slave to an Arab sheik Kim is totally gung ho to fly to an Arabic country with her mom to hang out with her father (Darwin at work, I guess).
Meanwhile, all the relatives of the guys Bryan killed in the last movie are out for blood. The head guy is Murad Krasniqi (Rade Serbedzija-Batman Begins, Snatch, Mission Impossible II), the father of the guy Bryan electrocuted in the last one. They “take” Bryan and Lenore but now (careful or some of this amazing plot twist might get in your eye) it is Kim who manages to escape and rescue her dad (or at least deliver to him a gun). That’s pretty much it except for the shooting, driving, and bleeding. All the great investigative elements and the mad intensity that Liam Neeson brought to Taken are completely missing from this film, leaving the director with a huge gape that he either filled with more bad action or nothing.
The stars. I still like Liam Neeson, and while they kind of spread him too thin on this film like a tiny drop of grease trying to lubricate a giant engine, it was cool to see him as Bryan Mills again. One star. Maggie Grace is pretty hot, and they managed to contrive an excuse for her to run around in short shorts and a bikini top for an extended period of time. One star. That’s pretty much it. Two stars.
The black holes. This film comes with all varieties of plot holes, from marble sized all the way up to Indiana Jones crushing. One black hole. A tired, unimaginative retread in an attempt to draw bored idiots (like me) into the seats. One black hole. No story to speak of. One black hole. Quick cut action editing to drive you nuts. One black hole. If you hadn’t seen the first film you would have had no reason to remotely care about any of the characters in this one. One black hole. Total: five black holes.
A grand total of three black holes. I won’t say this movie is horrible. If all you want is action and you change channel on your TV every 1/4 second odds are you can enjoy this film. If you are a fan of the complexity and character behind Taken (as I am) prepare to be bitterly disappointed. They took the script from Taken and left in out in the sun too long. Date movie? Meh. Nothing in here will encourage your date to take off her clothes but on the other hand nothing will discourage it. The romance is tepid and tertiary at best. Bathroom break? Any time in the first 35 minutes will work fine. Once the action starts you might as well sit through it as it is the only thing in the film worth viewing. The film is a flaccid 91 minutes long, but if you really can’t hold it I’d say the scene where Kim is watching her cell phone do a 5 minute count down. Some action there but not a ton.
Thanks for reading. Plenty more to see this week, including Frankenweenie (why am I not excited to see this?), Hotel Transylvania (looks cute), Pitch Perfect (there’s never an incoming meteor when you really need one) and Trouble with the Curve (I will probably love this one. I have a thing for baseball movies). Follow me on Twitter @NerdKungFu. If you have comments on this movie or my review feel free to post them here. Any off topic questions or suggestions can be emailed to me at [email protected]. Have a great Columbus Day. Talk to you soon.
Dave
Won’t Back Down Review
Ever see a cartoon that looks and acts like a real movie? Now you can see a real movie that looks and acts like a cartoon!
I wasn’t sure which movie to see the other night. I was torn between this one and the House at the End of the Street. They both looked annoying, but since I have been watching S2 of the Walking Dead lately I figured I had had my fill of horror this week. Also HATES looks chock full of exactly the lamo teenage cutesy kids that make me wish for the annihilation of the human race. When I realized my dream girl Maggie Gyllenhaal was in this one I figured “How painful could this be?”
The answer, unfortunately, was pretty painful. I will be the first to admit that I am not the target demographic most chick flicks strive to attract, being the most macho man you will ever meet who loves Cyndi Lauper music and plays with toy soldiers. However, the last two years of movie reviews has expanded my appreciation of movies outside of my normal genres and I like to think that while I might not enjoy a movie type in particular in general I am capable of recognizing quality work when I see it and in my opinion, I did not just see it.
The movie runs a massive 121 minutes and believe me, you will feel every one of them. The pacing drags on like trying to push your car to the gas station and accidentally left your parking brake on. The “drama” is so tertiary and uninspired that you might forget to keep breathing. The story attempts to show character development, but the main issue with that is the main character Jamie Fitzpatrick (Maggie) is so cartoonish and over the top that she literally eclipses every other character on the screen with her. It’s like trying to create a beautiful Lite-Brite flower but the light in the center has been replaced by a 400 watt flood. The only character who is even remotely interesting is Nona (Violet Davis), the teacher, but she is only able to shine in scenes where Jamie is absent.
This is not a criticism on Maggie Gyllenhaal, whom I consider a talented actor, but rather on writer/director Daniel Barnz (the Cutting Room, Beastly, Phoebe in Wonderland) for his creation of a working class super woman who crushes every obstacle in front of her with the relentless wheel of her steamroller personality. Her ability to beat down every problem in her path gets ridiculous and manages to more or less drain the drama from the entirety of the film.
The rest of the characters (with the exception of Violet Davis) are two dimensional cartoon characters as well, but none so much as the villain. Barnz wanted to create a movie about improving grade schools in America, so who does he tap for the villain? A selfish and uncaring school board? A corrupt city government? Local gangs and drug dealers making the school a living hell? No. How about…the teachers union??? Really? He makes the bad guys literally the teachers and the head of the union a selfish egomaniac who is only in it for those big teacher bucks. 
That is like creating a Death Star and crewing it with Care Bears (instead of having it be defeated by them. Empire logo from the Star Wars T Shirt collection). The only way he could have made the main bad guy more pointlessly evil is if they had raided his house and found he had been fertilizing his garden with dead babies. It seems pretty obvious that Barnz has some kind of axe to grind with organized labor.
The story. Jamie Fitzpatrick (Maggie Gyllenhaal-Stranger than Fiction, Donnie Darko, the Dark Knight) is a working class single mom who dresses like a stripper does during the day and works two jobs to support her child Malia (Emily Alyn Lind-Enter the Void, the Secret Life of Bees, J Edgar), who goes to THE WORST SCHOOL IN THE HISTORY OF EDUCATION! I’m not kidding about this. It’s almost like Barnz wanted to drive some anti-teacher union message home and took every example of horrible education ever and rolled it into one school. Also, Malia’s specific teacher Deborah (Nancy Bach-Dogma, Black Dahlia, the Bread, My Sweet) is painted as another stupidly evil and exploitative character for no reason. Basically Darth Vader to the union leaders Grand Moff Tarkin. Anyway, Jamie wants Malia to actually learn to read and tries assorted things to get her into another school or another class but is shut down by the most exciting movie antagonist possible, bureaucracy.
Meanwhile teacher Nona Alberts (Viola Davis-the Help, Disturbia, Solaris) is trying to find inspiration and help her own challenged son Cody (Dante Brown-America, Prodigy Bully, I Heart Shakey) with school. Jamie finds out about an obscure law allowing parents and teachers to take over a school if they think it is failing and doesn’t let the fact that it has never ever worked before sway her. She and Nona go through a long (long, long) process of collecting signatures and recruiting teachers. Meanwhile, the big, bad teachers union shows up in the person of sympathetic front woman Evelyn Riske (Holly Hunter-the Incredibles, the Piano, Oh, Brother, Where Art Thou. Am I the only one who finds her accent and slight lisp really sexy?) and Satan level evil union head Arthur Gould (Ned Eisenberg-Limitless, Last Man Standing, Million Dollar Baby). They do what they can to stop the pair from helping the school with a clear objective of destroying kids lives (Gould even says something to the effect of “When kids start paying union dues I’ll start to care about them”. Duh).
Honestly, that’s the story. The rest is a long, drawn out grind towards the inevitable and heartwarming ending. Minor obstacles are overcome, but they are more speed bumps than barricades. The final dramatic scene is the school room board meeting where the vote is split straight down straight white people verses alternative lifestyle and minority people. Then, with the magic of a jump cut scene, the school is miraculously transformed into the greatest educational institution since the founding of Harvard (it’s amazing what you can accomplish with some editing software).
The stars. I fell in love with Maggie Gyllenhaal when she did Stranger that Fiction (if you happen to read this, Maggie, I would risk extreme injury for the chance to have dinner with you), and she remains as hot and cool as ever (if disappointingly clothed). One star. I thought both she and Viola Davis did a good job with the mediocre roles they were handed, and the Nona Albert sub plot was as close as I came to being interested in this film. One star. I also thought both Emily Alyn Lind and Dante Brown did a great job as kid actors. One star. Total: three stars.
The black hole. Paced like standing on line at the DMV in Hell. Two black holes. Ultimately boring, with nothing really to sink my teeth into story wise. One black hole. Over the top, cartoonish characters with little to no depth. One black hole. Demonizing an organization that really doesn’t deserve it, and staffing it with Satan’s minions. One black hole. Painfully predicable in every regard. One black hole. Stupidly manipulative on almost every level. One black hole. Using a film to foster a political agenda. One black hole. Total: eight black holes.
A grand total of five black holes. Not really worth seeing in a theater IMO. I’m not saying you will wish for a clean death. It’s not THAT bad. It’s just that this is the film equivalent of eating 0% unflavored yogurt. No flavor, no texture, and while it may help sustain you ultimately you are spooning spoiled milk into your mouth (guess what’s on my menu for lunch today? I hate dieting). You might actually enjoy it, if you think that the teachers unions are directly responsible for the downfall of the American education system or enjoy the idea of wading through a massive bureaucracy to accomplish a nebulous goal. Date movie? Probably not, unless your date is hyper active and you have tried everything short of rufies to calm her down. Bathroom break? This film is so bland and uneventful I can’t for the life of me remember a specific point that seems more worthless than the rest of the film. Feel free to cut out any time. It’s a long movie, so odds are you will have to.
Thanks for reading, and sorry for such a tepid review. They can’t all be winners, and blase movies inspire blase reviews. There’s a lot of new stuff out right now, but none of it really excites me. I’ll go see something soon. I suspended my watching of all the TOS episodes so I can finally see S2 of the Walking Dead on NetFlix. Awesome. I am working on a new Star Trek post soon that should be fun however. Follow me on Twitter @Nerdkungfu. Post any comments on this review or movie here, and if you have off topic suggestions or questions feel free to email me at [email protected]. Talk to you soon.
Dave
Looper Review
Sooper.
I feel like I have somehow shifted into an alternative Bizarro world where the majority of movies are actually decent and not the intellectual equivalent of blunt trauma to the head. This is the third movie in a row I have watched and thoroughly enjoyed. It actually scares me, in the sense that I feel like we are somehow headed to cinema Armageddon, where the all time worst movie in the history of the world will be released and completely destroy society.
Of course, Jack and Jill has already been released and we survived that, so how bad could it be?
Anyway, Looper. I have said many times that time travel as a plot device is the potty training seat of movie making: there to help a toddler to not soil him or herself and learn to use a toilet like an adult. Whenever a fully grown adult wants to use the training seat it is pathetic and creepy. However, I am going to amend that statement and say that while time travel as a plot device is weak, time travel as a main storyline can be good as long as it is treated properly.
Oh, this film suffers from any of the normal time travel bugaboos. If you think too much about it the paradoxes will hurt your brain, and the fundamental Laws of Thermodynamics are bent over a pinball machine and raped. However, if time travel were feasible then the way it was treated in this film could potentially work without straining your suspension of disbelief to badly (unlike MIB3). It should be obvious to any reader of science fiction that the writer of this film subscribes to the “flowing river of time” theory of time travel rather than the “butterfly effect” theory. In other words, the flow of time has the means and inclination to correct itself and more or less remain on track when hit with minor events but a strong enough event (killing a man in the past, inventing something from the future, etc) will cause the flow of time to completely shift over into something new. Changes are shown for individuals, but the major events and even the individuals are not really affected. This really is the only way to approach a movie like this, although in truth I think the butterfly effect has a lot more credibility (dinosaur image courtesy of the Funny T Shirt category).
However, if you can buy into time travel and are happy with it than this movie is an exceptionally well made and entertaining film. Acting was great from both Bruce Willis and Joseph Gordon-Levitt, story was well thought out and complicated enough to hold your attention without being brain strainingly convoluted, and the action was both cool and believable. Overall a great film. Just don’t let your mind wander down the dark paths towards annoying questions like “Why did they need to transport the victims back in time live? Couldn’t they have just transported a corpse? Why couldn’t they have transported them into the heart of an active volcano, or the bottom of the ocean, or the earths core?” Also it wouldn’t be a science fiction movie review from me if I did not point out how bad the science really is. The main issue I spotted here was the idea of being able to send someone back in time yet have them land on the planet Earth at all. There is no known central point in the galaxy and everything’s movement is all based on relative positioning. If you try to send someone back in time 70 years our planet will have traveled billions, if not trillions of miles in that time period and your guy should be on the other side of the universe (which would actually neatly solve your problem with regards to getting rid of a body for you).
I told myself I wouldn’t do this, but since I have started I can’t help but point out another major plot flaw here. If they can send a guy back in time why would they use the machine just for getting rid of inconvenient people? Why not send a guy back to win the lottery six times in a row and start a massive business empire based on futuristic technology? If you timed it to arrive the day after you were born you could make sure your youthful self lived a massive life of luxury and have things good forever.
Anyway, the story. Joe (Joseph Gordon-Levitt-Inception, 50/50, the Dark Knight Rises) is a Looper, a hit man in a dystopic near future who’s job is to wait at predetermined points for victims from 30 years further to appear and execute them. He and his friends live lives of luxury but are called Loopers because at some point at the end of 30 years they will have to execute themselves to avoid being caught time traveling (I know, I know. It is a less annoying concept when you see the film). Joe’s friend Seth (Paul Dano-There Will be Blood, Knight and Day, Little Miss Sunshine) let’s his future self get away and gets to demonstrate what happens when someone doesn’t close the loop. Joe ends up meeting his future self Older Joe (Bruce Willis-Die Hard, Fifth Element, Pulp Fiction) who manages to get away from him. Now it is a race to catch and kill his future self before the guy in charge catches him and starts cutting off body parts in order to make Older Joe come back in. Older Joe has his own agenda relating to killing a crimelord as a young child before he can become he terror of the future.
Honestly, I don’t want to get too much deeper into the story as I think it really good and you should all see it. The chance of throwing out an accidental spoiler is high. There are some cool twists. There are some great gun fights. Nothing gets blown up in the name of stupid cinematic. The movie ends super cool.
The stars. The story was great. Two stars. Exceptionally well acted by both Willis and Gordon-Levitt. Two stars. Great supporting cast, including a couple hot girls and the main bad guy. There’s also one little kid (Pierce Gagnon-the Crazies, One Tree Hill, the Way Home) who nails it for a ten year old kid. Remarkable. One star. A slight flavoring of a little rated R nudity. One star. A lot of story is delivered with remarkable efficiency. We are treated to a complex story with a minimum of wasted scenes. One star. The ending is really cool. One star. The director managed to avoid the sci fi trap of over explaining everything. One star. Overall a really fun movie. Two stars. Total: eleven stars.
The black holes. While I enjoyed the hell out of this film, there are any number of what I might on a crappier day call massive time travel related plot holes. One black hole. They movie kept showing the police doing…something? I couldn’t figure out if they were working for the bad guy or working against him. One black hole. Total: two black holes.
A grand total of nine stars, and yet another recommendation that you go see this film. I really had fun with it, and I think you will too. Date movie? Maybe. The romance was a little tertiary, but both young and old Joe is what women tell me is hot so I guess it might get your date in the right mood. Of course if you compare unfavorable this could bite you on the ass. Bathroom break? The movie is pretty good in it’s entity, but if you have to go I would say the scene where young Joe wakes up chained to a cot in the barn of the hot chicks farm. Not a lot going on there that you can’t pick up later on.
Thanks for reading. Sorry I haven’t been writing all weekend, but I did a really crummy event (somehow the organizers thought doubling the ticket price was the way to increase attendance). It was a huge waste of time and I lost money. I am a little bitter about it, which means every minute I spend folding and sorting the t-shirts from the show is another hot coal you know where. 
However, the one positive thing from the weekend is I got to spend some time with one of my favorite show celebs, the lovely Ms. Maxine Wasa. She has starred in a number of films most notably My Stepmother is an Alien and is now a scream queen, starring in any number of independent, cool horror films. She has also been recently cast in a biker reality show with mans man Chuck Zito. More importantly, however, she is cool and fun to talk to (not to mention very easy on the eyes). She asked me to mention that she will be participating in the Rock the Walk event in Los Angeles, a benefit concert for AIDS research. If you are going to be in LA next weekend be sure to stop by and check it out. If you see Max tell her I said hi.
Dave
Some thoughts on Star Trek TOS women.
With a bonus note on grammar.
So as I mentioned recently I am watching all the Star Trek TOS episodes while working on my new Warhammer army and am enjoying the hell out of it. Not only am I seeing all my old favorites, but I am also getting to catch up on a few that I only saw maybe once or twice, and even a couple that to my deep shame I have never seen (having only watched them in syndication there were a few that really never go aired much). I am rethinking some of the relative positions for my best and worst episodes (not a lot of shift, but some) but the one thought that is hitting my brain stem more than any other is the Star Trek producers hired only the most gorgeous women in the known universe.
I’m not kidding. It really struck home last night when I was watching Requiem for Methuselah (image courtesy of the Star Trek T Shirt category)and realized that the girl playing Reyna (Louise Sorel) was about 50 times hotter than any women ever seen on any TNG episode, and comparable to Seven of Nine from Voyager (Jeri Ryan). However, she is not alone. Pretty much every episode has a girl so hot it makes your skull hurt. I don’t want to name any here because I think once I am done I will do a list of the 20 hottest girls from the series as a separate blog post (nothing creepy about that). Some of the episodes focused almost exclusively on how hot they were (Mudd’s Women, for example).
This begats the question why can’t modern shows do the same thing? There are some obvious answers. If a show clearly exploited women like TOS did than it would probably be protested by every feminist organization on the planet and then carpet bombed. TNG not only swallowed the PC pill but let it brew into an even more potent mixture in its stomach before spewing it out over every other Star Trek series. However, let’s consider shows outside of the Trek universe.
The modern show that pops into mind for hot eye candy is How I Met Your Mother. Every week Barney hooks up with 2-6 hot girls. If we flash back a bit Married With Children did the same by finding an excuse to have a hot chick walk into Al’s shoe shop or something. However, I would like to point out that while Star Trek clearly was bringing in women to hang on Kirks arm and fall in love with him, in every case they got more than a few lines and were never just bit characters. In most episodes they were critical to the story and not just there to make Kirk look good.
That’s not really the mystery here. The mystery is why is it all the women on Star Trek are way hotter than all the women on How I Met Your Mother (even Robin. Sorry, Cobie Smulders. I still love you). Honestly, I think it’s the presentation. The women on Star Trek (and 60’s TV in general) were presented as sophisticated, elegant goddesses whereas modern women have taken to letting casual be the rule of the day. I’m not saying women don’t spend a lot of time on their looks because they absolutely do. I’m just saying that all the women today want to look naturally hot, which mentally translates into looking like you put no effort in. The average hairdo on a Star Trek babe looks like it took two hours and a vat of hair cream to accomplish, whereas today those same two hours is spent looking like you didn’t have to do anything at all. Furthermore, you never see a Star Trek women wearing jeans. The dress a Star Trek girl wears is one that a modern woman would bitch about having to put on for a formal ball. They just look more put together.
A side effect of looking like you took a lot of time putting your coif and outfit together is you end up looking more like a lady. Not to imply anything, but the women of Star Trek just look a lot more wholesome than the women of the modern TV age. Somehow Elaan (France Nuyen) from Elaan of Troyios looks more ladylike in a metal bikini armed with a dagger than all the women of Sex and the City put together. This might be the most sexist thing I have ever said, but what passes for ladylike dress and behavior in the modern world just isn’t as attractive as what you used to see in the time of Americana.
Congratulations Dave. You have successfully given every woman you meet another reason to reject and despise you. However, given my typical luck with the ladies I don’t really think I could do much more damage. At least if I get rejected by a girl and she says it’s because of this blog post I will have a definitive reason, rather than the horrible vague B-S I get on a regular basis. Besides, don’t all women say they want honesty in a man?
Before I get going I want to mention something about grammar. I have been called to account a few times for being a grammar moron. I typically can write well but seem to screw up on things like “then” or “than”, as well possessive s’s (is it Boy’s t shirts or Boys t shirts???). I do proofread these before posting them but seem to have a blind eye for certain spelling and grammar mistakes. I go back and read old blog posts of mine (yes, my ego is that big. Besides, why would you not read something this brilliant?) and catch things that seem super obvious but at the time I missed twice. I don’t quite get it. If you should spot an error feel free to point it out and I will fix it. Just try to understand that I’m not a total moron and usually I just miss things that on a different day would stick out like a sore thumb. If you are interested in catching me (or just improving your own grammar) I found a pretty handy and succinct resource in this article on correct grammar usage in the modern age. I like it because it is simple and has some cartoons.
Thanks for reading. Feel free to disagree all you want here or hate spam me on Twitter @Nerdkungfu (follow me first, please). Any off topic questions or suggestions email me at [email protected]. My friend Brian is going to show us Kiss Meets the Phantom of the Park at movie night. I don’t think I will be doing a formal review but already have a few ideas on blogs I could do about it. I’m headed to the Sacramento Horror Convention this weekend but if I get a chance will try to see a movie and write it up. If you live in Sac stop by and say hi. Talk to you soon.
Dave
Happy Birthday, Mark Hamill
As any nerd can tell you, the great Mark Hamill played Kenneth Dantley Jr. in the epic film Corvette Summer (he also played Luke Skywalker in the original (by that I mean good) Star Wars trilogy but no one bothers to remember that) and as such is an icon of nerd culture. However, what a lot of less well informed people don’t know is since then he has become an amazing voice over guy and did one of the greatest cartoon voices ever, the Joker from the original Batman the Animated Series.
Words cannot accurately describe how awesome this voice was. When I think of Joker I hear Mark Hamill’s insane cackle in the back of my head. He had the perfect combination of humorous clown and psychotic killer all wrapped up in one. Amazing.
Anyway, today is Mark’s birthday and I would like to wish him a happy one. Thank you sir, for being a part of a huge piece of my childhood and then moving on to do even more cool stuff. I salute you.
By the way, if you want to have some fun Google “Star Wars Muppet Show” and enjoy seeing Mark guest star on the Muppets. But don’t do the Holiday Special unless you want all things good in your life to turn to ash forever. I’m not kidding at all on that. If you watch that film you will want to die.
Joker image courtesy of the DC Comic T Shirt category BTW.
Dave
End of Watch Review
You say your life lacks intensity? This movie is the cure.
In January when I do my end of the year retrospective I am going to remember this weekend as the most awesome weekend of movie releases ever. Dredd was freaking amazing, and now I have End of Watch to be the second in a run of tremendous movies.
Director David Ayer did Training Day, one of my previous all time favorite cop movies, and it is fair to say I went into this film with extremely high expectations. This is often a big mistake, as it sets the stage for massive disappointment when the director proves he only has one good effort in him and trips on his own private parts. However, this was not the case for End of Watch as it managed to actually exceed my high expectations.
There are some obvious comparisons to Training Day, but in truth I believe it has more in common with the 1988 Sean Penn movie Colors. It has a similar feel being shot over a period of several months without a true central plot or antagonist. It is a true buddy movie, showing the daily lives and traumas of two LAPD cops, Brian Taylor (Jake Gyllenhaal-Donnie Darko, Source Code, Brokeback Mountain) and Mike Zavala (Michael Peña-30 Minutes or Less, Tower Heist, Shooter). The whole movie is shot found footage style, except for when the director didn’t feel like coming up with an excuse to have a camera involved and blew it off. This is actually my one real criticism of the film. If you are going to do found footage cool, but don’t go to the trouble of establishing a reason for cameras to always be around and then bailing on it to do a bunch of standard POV shots.
Fortunately the rest of the movie makes up for this problem. During the course of several months (or maybe even years) you see the two men laugh, joke, and bromance each other to the hilt. Brian starts off as the single ladies man while Mike has been married since high school. You see Brian develop a strong romance and eventually marry my other future wife Anna Kendrick (50/50, Scott Pilgrim Versus the World, Up in the Air) while Mike’s wife Gabby (Natalie Martinez-Death Race, Saints and Sinners, Magic City Memoirs) delivers a baby boy. Each scene is filmed around a particular event in their career; a pulled over vehicle resulting in a drug bust, the discovery of a bunch of corpses, etc. Some of them are loosely connected to a Mexican drug cartel that eventually puts a hit out on the two officers. Multiple shootings occur. Cars get chased, and the last 20 minutes of this film will most likely be the most intense movie scene you have experienced in years.
Before I get into the stars and black holes I would like to say that this movie draws you in like no other that I have seen in a long time. The combination of the found footage with the amazing performances by Jake Gyllenhaal and Michael Pena cause you to develop a real connection with them and honestly care about what happens. 
I am pretty much a robotic shell of a man, but by the end of this film this movie manage to reach deep inside and stimulate the frozen chunk of coal that passes for my heart to actually beat a couple times. All that excess blood ran to the decrepit emotional part of my brain and I was in series danger of exhibiting an emotional response. Fortunately I was able to quash it but you humans should be able to really get something from this. (Obey Robot image one of the many nerd t-shirts I have in my collection)
The stars. The acting was truly amazing. Oscar nomination worthy IMO. Three stars. All the support characters were great. One star. You actually care about what happens to the characters. One star. I got to experience the most alien of emotions a regular movie attendee can: excitement. Two stars. For a found footage film pacing was brilliant. One star. The women in this film were good eye candy without distracting from the film. One star. They managed to fit in a bunch of interesting minor sub plots without hurting the overall movie (one advantage to not really having an overall plot, I guess). One star. The action was well done in the confines of found footage. Somehow a 15 second gun battle seen through the dashboard camera of a police car is much more exciting than a full production running gun battle. One star. Truly a great cinema experience. Two stars. Total: thirteen stars.
The black holes. The sudden shift from found footage to POV camera is a little annoying. One black hole. There was something of a lack of overall story that I think might have helped, but honestly I am just picking at nits here. It is fine without it, but one black hole. Total: two black holes.
A grand total of eleven stars, and yet another recommendation to see this film. That’s two great movies to review in a row. I keep waiting for the Earth to stop spinning on its axis. See both this film and Dredd at your earliest convenience, although you might not want to see them back to back as you could die of an awesomeness overdose. Date movie? I’m going to say yes on this one. The emotional interaction between the characters could very well speak to a woman, and while Jake Gyllenhaal is kind of a pretty boy I think you might gain some kind of bounce back from him into your bed, if you know what I mean. Bathroom break? This is another film I am going to say you want to see in its entirety, but if you super sized and can’t hold it Brian’s wedding could be mostly missed I think, especially when everyone starts drinking. Just hurry back.
Thanks for reading. If I have the energy I might go see something else later tonight, but I am afraid of ruining my streak. It’s going to happen eventually, however, and bad movies tend to make for funnier review. There isn’t much entertainment to be had listening to me gush like a fan boy. Follow me on Twitter @Nerdkungfu. If you have any comments on this movie or review please post them here, and if you have any off topic questions or suggestions feel free to email me at [email protected]. Talk to you soon.
Dave
