Update on what is going on in my nerd life.
Sorry I haven’t been posting much lately, but this last weekend I was going to go to the SAWS Challenge Warhammer Tournament in Sacramento. While not huge, it is big enough and been around long enough to be worthy of being called a Grand Tournament and therefore worth my full attention. This meant I spent a big chunk of last week painting some new models and rank fillers. I was up until 2am Thursday and barely made it.
The tournament was fun and frustrating in equal measures. I won’t get into specific details in this as most of you readers probably wouldn’t understand the nuances of the game, or even care much for that matter. I had a conflict with one of my opponents regarding his willful misinterpretations of the rules that cost me a lot in the course of the tournament. Let’s just say I don’t want to play that guy ever again. Otherwise it was a typical tournament; lots of really great opponents, some awesomely painted armies, and a lot drinking going on before, after, and during the event. I place 8th overall in spite of getting screwed and had 4 great games and 1 horrible one.
Something that may interest my female readers is the girl to guy ratio stayed about the same as usual at 1 to 30. If you are a girl that feels you need to have your ego stroked by having a large number of desperate guys paying a ton of attention to you I can’t recommend another type of event more. Even comic book conventions seem to get a decent number of women, but gaming conventions and tournaments might as well be held in the men’s locker room for the number of women present. Something to consider.
Other drunken gamer hijinks ensued. One of my inebriated friends locked himself in the bathroom of our hotel, vomited into the toilet, and then passed out on the tile, blocking access to the bathroom and forcing another one of my wasted friends to wander outside in his boxer shorts to relieve himself behind a bush at 3am. Another group of our friends had an “upper decker” rendered unto them, adding to the general hilarity of the weekend. If you don’t know what an upper decker is you should count your lucky stars. I won’t say if I know the guilty party was, but I can say odds are the victims will never find out.
Anyway, in spite of the 5’9″ fly in my soup I had a good time. However, now that the event is behind me I have the time to work on things like this blog. I am also going to get on with my elaborate t shirt descriptions. If you haven’t seen them I think they are really good. This 8 Bit Revolution shirt from the video game t shirt category is one of my personal favorites. It kind of spans the scope of what I like to do in these.
Anyway, tomorrow I think I am going to do my final review for WOW Cataclysm, and on Wednesday probably a review of the movie Priest, which I have been looking forward to for a long time. I only hope it comes out better than Dylan Dog.
Movie review: Dylan Dog, Dead of the Night
So I am doing this review by request from my best friend Dave (yes, my best friend is ALSO named Dave. He does exist, and just because none of my other friends have ever met him or can tell you what he looks like in no way implies that I made up an imaginary friend and gave him the same name in some kind of schizophrenic ego boost. By the way, Dave is watching you right now and thinks that t-shirt you are wearing is pretty cool). He has been reading the Dylan Dog comic for years and tells me it is both bloody and chock full of gratuitous nudity. It is written Tiziano Sclavi in Italy. He says it is great, and wanted to get my opinion of the film.
Actually, I can’t help but feel like the lab monkey on this one, or the kid the other kids get to eat something first. However, I have been looking for a bad movie to review for a while and, to be honest, was usually the first one to try something as a kid, so I don’t mind. In fact, if you have a movie you would like to see a review from feel free to post a response to any of my review or send me an email at [email protected] or send me a message on Twitter and I will see what I can do.
Also, I don’t know if this is at all significant, but in addition to Italy and USA Dylan Dog is published in Croatia, Serbia, Denmark, the Netherlands, Poland, Spain, and Turkey. I’m kind of at a loss as to what kind of observation I can make based on that list, but somehow it seems more than a little weird.
Anyway, Dylan Dog the movie. Honestly, I am a little repulsed by movies like this not because it’s particularly bad or good but because it is so bland. I mean, it definitely sucks on many levels, but it doesn’t suck enough to make it really fun and interesting. I think the best way to describe it is confused. It can’t really decide what it is. Is it a monster hunting Buffy the Vampire slayer flick or a true horror movie? One minute you are seeing some really decent (given the budget they probably were working with) CGI werewolf transformation and in the next seeing a guy in a rubber suit that looks like it escaped from the set of Creature from the Black Lagoon. Are vampires and werewolves faster and more powerful than mortals, or can an ordinary human kill mass numbers of them with impunity? 
Are zombies creatures of horror, or are they cheesy comedy relief? Are vampires sexy creatures of the night (Twilight sucks) or are they primitive, savage killers? It is all so disjointed. However, from what I have seen I can’t really blame the comic. These issues I lay firmly at the feet of the director and producers.
(Lugio Fulci Zombie image courtesy of the horror movie t shirt category)
SPOILER ALERT! I don’t really expect many of you to see this film, so I am going to let myself go nuts on the story details. If you plan to see this film and feel that me telling you the ending might detract from the subtle nuances of the film maybe you should skip to the final two paragraphs of this review. I don’t think I will be annoying many people.
Anyway, the story. Honestly, if you have ever read any of the Dresden Files than you pretty much know the story already (Dylan even drives an old Volkswagon), although Dylan Dog preceded Jim Butchers novels by about 10 years, so I guess it’s possible Butcher borrowed from Dylan. Dylan is a private investigator that used to specialize in the paranormal, although he claims to be retired and now does divorce investigations. A hot chick with a really annoying Scandinavian accent hires him to investigate the death of her father, who was killed by a werewolf. He refuses, but agrees after his best friend (who managed to deliver a homoerotic undercurrent with Dylan) is also killed (for no reason that makes sense to me) and comes back as a zombie. Zombies in this movie are not mindless, soulless flesh eaters. Instead they are relatively normal with their intellects intact, except for the fact that they keep rotting and have to eat worms, grubs, and hot dogs (actually that made me laugh). They are also pretty much the comic relief of the film, with a market selling replacement body parts and so on.
Dylan also used to be the mortal intermediary between vampires and werewolves, which is how he got into this business. He lost his job when he went nuts and killed a bunch of older vampires with wooden bullets (?? Honestly, wood does not sound like it makes the most accurate projectile, and the human heart is about the size of your fist. If you have ever been to a gun range you know how hard it is to hit on a paper target that isn’t moving, but somehow Dylan manages to hit every vampire he shoots at in the movie in the heart with surgical precision). After his friend gets killed he takes the case. The movie kind of gets confusing at that point. The dad at one point had a silver cross that could summon some big bad ass monster and everyone wants it. The vampires seem to get the bad guys, but they tend to look a lot like the werewolves, and somehow they have a giant zombie working for them who also looks like a werewolf. Undead action hijinx ensues (sort of). Some civilians are killed, including two cops, but no one seems to care. At the end the girl who hired Dylan turns out to be from a family of monster hunters and wants to summon the big monster herself. The monster is summoned and then more or less stupidly kills himself (it was established multiple times that the only way to kill the big bad would be to kill the person who summoned him. Why then would he take the girl who summoned him and toss her across the room, then leave to let the werewolves literally eat her). Dylan really has nothing to do with the ending and could probably have stayed home and not gotten an ass beating.
First the stars. Comic book movie. One star. Zombies. One star. Vampires that burst into flame in the sunlight, not sparkle (Twilight sucks). One star. Some episodes of decent CGI. One star. There is good chemistry between Dylan and his zombie sidekick that wanders aimlessly into the entertaining zone. One star. Total: five stars.
Now for the sweet, suc(k)culent black holes. Throughout the movie Dylan Dog does a detective noir voice over monolog that made me want to run upstairs and murder the projectionist. One black hole. The acting from all characters except for the zombie comedy relief dismally sucked. One black hole. Dylan Dog, in spite of trying to appear a grizzled private dick, looked and sounded like the really annoying version of Superman (not a coincidence, as Brandon Routh played Superman in the last film). One black hole. The directer couldn’t find a tone for his movie (Horror? Comedy? Grindhouse? Detective film? Two part Buffy episode?). Two black holes. The film really bent time and space in order to maintain that PG-13 rating. No real gore, and absolutely no nudity in spite of the source content. I swear they might have gotten a PG rating if they tried. The movie felt like the vampire version of the Goonies. One black hole. There was no appeal for the protagonist or his romantic interest. The only character worth watching was the zombie sidekick. One black hole. The movie established early on that Dylan would suffer no consequences from the bad stuff by falling off a second floor and landing on a table only to jump up to fight, making the action painfully boring. I found myself struggling to stay awake during some of the action sequences. One black hole. The boss monster, while kind of cool looking, was really dumb in letting his mortal connection die easy. One black hole. In spite of having the strength of 10 men and otherwise being superhuman, the vampires seem to die in droves at the hands of humans. One black hole. In spite of the clues spoon fed to us by the Dylan Dog monolog the story was pretty confusing. One black hole. The “hot girl” was not that hot, seemed to have issues showing anything more than a shoulder blade, and had an annoying accent. One black hole. The makeup for the werewolves is really amateurish. I have seen better on YouTube videos. One black hole. Total: 13 black holes.
So a grand total of eight black holes, which is kind of worse than I thought it was going to end up with. It seems to suffer from the director wanting to cram about five years worth of comics into one movie. I don’t think it is in real danger of turning into a cult movie. That being said, a decent evening could be had with beer and pizza watching it online.
It might be pretty obvious to most savvy readers, but I am kind of new to the whole internet promotion thing and social media. I probably should have been putting this into my blogs months ago, but you can follow me on Twitter at @nerdkungfu. My Facebook page is pretty pathetic, so I will forgo posting it here, but you can find me if you look hard enough. I’m headed to a weekend Warhammer tournament and probably won’t post anything until Sunday night, but will be updating things on Twitter. Thanks everyone for reading this and your support.
Movie review: Thor
So last night I got a suggestion from a friend of mine for a movie that could potentially really suck, Dylan Dog, about a zombie private eye or something. It was playing 20 miles away but during the drive my girlfriend (for lack of a better term) texted me saying she got free of work early and wanted to go see Thor. Since the only reason I didn’t see it opening night was because she wanted to see it with me, I grabbed the chance like a life preserver and headed off.
The movie was, of course, great. However, I think I fell victim of the trap of having everyone I know or read about gush about how awesome it was and really elevated my expectations. Then, when I showed up with my bitter and cynical critical eye I see faults. Nevertheless, great movie.
I’m not going to get into the story too much on this, as pretty much everyone who reads this most likely will see it or have already seen it. Thor, the God of Thunder (or some kind of super advanced alien. They seemed to imply both. Thor image courtesy of the Marvel Comic t shirt category) gets into trouble with his dad and gets cast down to earth, where he gets to deal with being a mortal. Absolutely no “stranger in a strange land” local color happens, much to my surprise. I’m willing to bet a lot of it ended up on the cutting room floor. Norse battle hijinx ensue. Natalie Portman shows up as some kind of ill defined scientist (is she an astronomer, meteorologist, theoretical physicist, or astrophysicist?) as the love interest. Things get blown up. Guys get beat up. Overall very cool and exciting.
By the way, I’d like to add that, in spite of his limited time on screen I thought the coolest character in the movie was Heimdall. Fan boys looking for a great costume to make for Comic Con won’t go wrong here, especially if you are African American.
First the stars. The movie was in general awesome. Two stars. Natalie Portman. One star (two if she had done another thong shot like in Your Highness). Anthony Hopkins. One star. The casting in was extremely good overall. Both Loki and Thor were really done well. One star. The CGI and special effects were godlike in their greatness, and didn’t suffer from the obvious restrictions of being stuck in a small blue screen studio (suck it, George Lucas). Two stars. The acting was all great. Two stars. Comic book movie. One star. No annoying comic relief characters. One star. Thor, as the protagonist, actually shows some character development. One star. The destroyer was freaking awesome. One star. There was a moment that honestly got an emotional reaction out of my cold, dead heart (you’ll know it when you see the movie). One star. Spoiler at the end of the credits. One star. Total: fifteen stars.
Now the black holes. I had a really hard time understanding Loki’s motivations. He seemed to drift from one thing to the next, and even at the end I was not sure what his ultimate goal really was. One black hole. Natalie Portman as the super hot scientist who can’t find a man really didn’t ring true. One black hole. Thor and Natalie seem to fall completely in love and are willing to dedicate eternity to each other after knowing each other for about 12 hours. One black hole. The pacing of the film seemed really rushed. They had everything happen in like one day when it seemed like it should have gone a couple months (and would have eliminated that whole super fast romance issue too). One black hole. The spoiler at the end of the film after the credits made no sense whatsoever, nor did it imply any other movies except perhaps Thor II. One black hole. They took a pretty liberal hand with modifying the Thor back story from the comic book, and tried to imply that all his godlike powers were the result of some kind of super science rather than actual divinity. One black hole. Total: six black holes.
Thus we come to a total of nine stars, an awesome score. I highly recommend you all see this, in IMAX if possible. This movie will work for comic book fans (assuming they don’t get all uptight about the back story) and laymen alike. Great visuals, great story, all around a fun time. The only thing I can say is, while I enjoyed the hell out of it, I am not really gung ho to see it a second time, which is what I would normally do for a movie of this ilk. I think I need to ponder my motivation for that.
I will try to see Dylan Dog this week with the question “How bad could it be” foremost in my mind. I think tomorrow I am going to talk about my new favorite movie reviewer (aside from me, of course). Check it out.
Movie review: Fast Five
Yes, I went to see this flick last night at the fabulous Grand Lake Theater in Oakland last night. As an aside, when I say fabulous I mean that with all sincerity. It was built in 1926 and still has all the amazing architecture, filigree, and cool things you don’t see any more like a huge theater hall that hasn’t been broken up into four smaller theaters to maximize profit. The owners also championed the cause to end parking meters that ran until 8pm last year (Oakland parking is the devil) so I have to love them for that.
It seems my curse of never finding a movie crappy enough to really be worthy of my bagging skills continues. Fast Five wasn’t bad. It wasn’t necessarily good, mind you. What it was was entertaining, like watching G.L.O.W. (Gorgeous Ladies of Wrestling). You will learn nothing, gain nothing, you life will not be in any way enhanced from watching it, and you will be kind of embarrassed if your friends catch you watching it, but fun to watch nevertheless.
Before we get into this I should mention that I have never seen any of the previous movies and car racing movies, unless the cars have machine guns on the front (Deathrace) are really not my thing. Street racers are, in my opinion, kind of dumbass punks. In my experience street racers are guys who buy a Honda Civic for about $10,000, spend three years and $15000 upgrading it, and then sell it for about $10,000. There’s a garage I drive by at night sometimes that is closed all day long and opens about 7pm to stay open until about 3am working on these cars. While I am fascinated by the concept of a GTA style all night upgrade garage the lifestyle doesn’t do much for me.
Anyway, the story. Vin Diesel plays some kind of convicted street racing criminal who is more or less going up for life. His sister and her boyfriend bust him out so he can go to Brazil and continue his life of crime. He runs afoul of the local crime boss and decides to steal a huge amount of money from him. Meanwhile, the Rock plays some kind of Federal Agent who, with a gang of disposable heros, are given the task of capturing Vin and his friends while more or less ignoring any concept of Brazilian jurisdiction or sovereignty. Car driving hijinx ensue. Cars and a big chunk of Rio get wrecked.
What surprised me was that, while the story was shockingly decent (if somewhat simplistic and linear), it really seemed unnecessary as a functional part of the movie. The villain is grossly stereotypical (how many times can we see a crime lord kill a subordinate who has failed in our lifetime) but honestly, if he hadn’t been in the film I don’t think I would have enjoyed it less. The subplot with Dwayne Johnson actually added to and enhanced the story rather than mired it down. The driving was super cool, and believe it or not the acting as not really bad. Better than Water for Elephants by a lot, although it might have just been really good casting. Vin Diesel is at his best when he plays a roll that seems to match his perceived personality (Chronicles of Riddick, for example) but even his humanizing scenes were not stomach turning.
Let’s let the stars and black holes speak for themselves. The story was palatable, which is a lot more than I expected. One star. The driving was actually exciting and cool. Two stars. According to my research, none of it was CGI. All stunt cars and really good editing. One star. They really didn’t break the physics engine too much (more on that later). One star. The acting was either decent or just really appropriate, also something I didn’t expect. One star. Really good camera work and editing. One star. They didn’t force me to watch it in 3D. One star. While my personal taste leans towards classic American muscle cars rather than super sports cars, the cars were really cool (and they did have a couple muscle cars). Two stars. The women, while all pretty hot, felt like they actually had legitimate roles and weren’t just crowbarred in for sex appeal. One star. In spite of the fact that I was seeing the fifth movie in the series and had never seen any of the others I did not feel like I was being left on the outside for not knowing all the inside crap from the other four. One star. Total: twelve stars.
Now the black holes. While most of the driving did not break any laws of physics, the final chase scene with the two cars pulling a 10 ton safe seemed a little beyond what would be possible, assuming the bumpers didn’t just get torn off at some point. I took physics in college and there is a concept out there known as coefficient of friction that the writers might have considered looking at. I will say might have, as the entire chase with the safe was incredibly cool and exciting, and will hold them back to one black hole. There were a couple scenes where bad guys seemed to spawn out of nowhere like a first person shooter and you were left unsure who was shooting at who. One black hole. The movie fell back on the whole story dodge of “bad guys who can’t shoot straight”. I’m sorry, but three guys with assault rifles firing at a running target less than 30 yards ahead of them should fill them with enough bullets to equip an army platoon, or at least one. One black hole. The Rock, in spite of the fact that he and his squad are armed to the teeth, opts to duke it out with Vin Diesel in and extended, if exciting, fight scene. One black hole. US Agents in a foreign country generally don’t have the right to run around wrecking and shooting anything they see. Generally they have to work with local law enforcement. One black hole. Total: five black holes.
Actually, I have a new thing for my reviewing process with this review, and that is things that are irksome but don’t really rate a black hole. In this film I found it kind of annoying that a Brazilian crime lord would have a ocean container full of American money. I looked up Brazilian money and it’s all like purple and blue, so you can’ even claim it looks like US dollars. Also, while it is pretty much obligatory that if you are going to film anything in Rio you have to do a panning shot of the Christ the Redeemer statue on Corcovado Mountain, you don’t have to do another one every 10 minutes. Seriously, once is enough.
So a grand total of 7 stars, a shockingly good score given what I was expecting to see. If you like cars and driving then definitely see this on the biggest screen you can find. I am pretty sure it will lose a lot of its luster on your TV so try to see in a theater. This is definitely a guys night out movie, so if possible try to leave the girlfriend at home, unless she herself is really into cars and driving.
By the way, I didn’t think this was star worthy, but one thing I appreciate about this entire movie series is the fact that they give each film a related but distinctly different title, rather than simply adding another number to the end of the first title, like our upcoming Hangover 2 (Hangover image courtesy of the movie t shirt category). For the record, while not exactly pinnacles of creative achievement, the film titles in this series are The fast and the Furious (2001), 2 Fast 2 Furious (2003), the Fast and the Furious: Tokeyo Drift (2006), Fast and Furious (2009), and Fast Five (2011).
Unsung genius Daniel Pinkwater
So a couple weeks I was out with a special person in my life and we stopped Pegasus Books in Rockridge, a suburb of Oakland. While there I looked at some used books and came across The Education of Robert Nifkin, by Daniel Pinkwater. I read the book this week, and was reminded of what a genius the man really is.
My being a Pinkwater fanboy goes way back. When I was about 14 my family was on one of our horrible never ending camping trips. You see, my dad would pile all of us into his ’69 Ford Maverick (replacement for the old Dodge my mom “accidentally” set fire to) every couple years during the summer and we would drive from one end of the country to the other, sleeping in crappy WWII era army surplus sleeping bags and a big dumb tent, usually on rocks and rattlesnakes. Dad would burn himself at least once a trip on his Coleman stove and the car would break down at least a couple times. To this day these trips remain one of the great mysteries of my life, as I for the life of me I can’t get what any of us got out of it, especially the old man. He did nothing but bitch and moan the whole time (or argue with mom), my sister hated it (and would relieve her boredom by torturing me), and I liken it to what I imagined hell would be like (early visions of hell. I was destined to learn what hell was really like when I dropped out of college and worked graveyard shift in a medical lab).
Anyway, we would be on these trips for a month or more and I had nothing to do but count cars, listen to my parents fight, or books (my dad was not big on car games or, for that matter, anything that involved noise from the back seat). As an added bonus the Maverick did not have a functioning radio. So while on one of these trips I picked up the only book that looked remotely interesting at a stand in a truck stop, The Snarkout Boys and the Avocado of Death, by Daniel Manus Pinkwater.
To say the book was an eye opening experience is an understatement. I had been a avid reader for a while by then but most of the books I read were about adults. The vast majority of “young adult” novels about kids in high school or grammar school were pretty Norman Rockwell-esqe. More or less good kids with good attitudes who were generally well adjusted, happy young Americans. This book was about a couple of chubby introverted kids who hated school, were generally more intelligent than everyone around them, and had weird, messed up family lives. It was like I had discovered my long lost brothers. For the first time in my life I felt slightly less alienated rather than more.
Of course, the kids had some wild adventures involving the worlds greatest detective, a professional wrestler named the Mighty Gorilla, the terror of orangutans, a former South American army major expelled for terrorizing chickens, and a massive thinking computer hooked up to a giant avocado (of death). To say Pinkwater injects a level of surrealism into most of his stories is a bit of an understatement.
Anyway, his books are technically done for young adults, although honestly they are better read as an adult IMO. Also, some of his young adults smoke, drink, and play massive amounts of hooky, so maybe not the best for the soft brains of American youth. Nevertheless, each is in it’s own way brilliant.
What makes them even better are the titles. Here are a few of the better ones that I have read: Fat Men from Space, Lizard Music, Alan Mendleson the Boy From Mars, Wallpaper from Space, Blue Moose; and Return Of The Moose, Spaceburger : A Kevin Spoon and Mason Mintz Story, Fish Whistle: Commentaries, Uncommontaries and Vulgar Excesses, Jolly Roger, A Dog Of Hoboken, and I Was A Second Grade Werewolf are a few good ones, but he has dozens.
Anyway, if you hated high school, were a geek, didn’t fit in, and enjoy surrealism I’d say try out Daniel Pinkwater. If you were popular, fit in well, were well liked, and actually got laid in high school than go jump off a bridge. (Saved By the Bell Bayside AV Club image courtesy of the TV show t shirts)
I’ll be watching Furious Five tonight, I think, which will probably make for a pretty good review tomorrow, although I am headed to a small Warhammer tournament so I don’t know when I will write it up. Thanks for reading, and have a great day.
Movie Review: Water for Elephants, or Circus Titanicus.
Yes, I’m back on the movie kick. I had planned to see Furious Five in hopes it would both suck and blow, but turns out it’s insanely popular and sold out. The only thing out there I thought even worth considering was Water for Elephants, which appeared to be a movie about water and elephants (there’s a circus in there somewhere too).
I was surprised, as I knew it was based on a book everyone tells me was amazing and I expected the movie to turn into one of my boring “the movie was decent” reviews that I might not even write up the next day. The surprise was not that it wasn’t great or even that it wasn’t bad but that it was painfully bland. Throughout the course of the movie I wasn’t motivated to leave the theater but if the film had broke or aliens broke in from another dimension forcing us to flee the cinema I don’t think I would have been really at all upset. It was kind of like flipping playing cards into an open hat; you gain nothing from doing it, and even if you get skilled enough to hit it 100% no one on the planet will be even remotely impressed.
I was also surprised in that it has been a while since I saw a movie that was such a blatant rip off of another, more successful movie. The movie in question was James Cameron’s Titanic. Does any of this sound familiar? An elderly person finds an excuse to tell a story from the first part of the last century about a star crossed romance between a lower class pretty boy and the married (or engaged. My Titanic knowledge is somewhat limited) wife of a complete jerk on a vehicle that is headed to a disaster of some kind. The only difference between the two movies really is James Cameron had the integrity to let the movie end on a down note, while Water for Elephants drew it’s inspiration from the Disney school of movie writing.
Anyway, the story. SPOILER ALERT: I will probably give away more details of this film than usual for this one, but in a very real sense I am giving away nothing as the story is as predictable as watching a digital clock advance. Trust me when I say there are absolutely no surprises in store for you. Anyway, an old man is found wandering around a circus and finds the flimsiest pretext to tell the manager the story of how he joined the circus back in 1931. Pretty boy, national spokesman for eyebrow growth, and perennial bad actor Robert Pattinson plays a character ironically (or stupidly) named Jacob who, while starting his absolute, final exam at Cornell to become a veterinarian and have a good life and career, is pulled out to be told his parents, whom he had just seen like 10 minutes ago, were killed in a car wreck, leaving him destitute and homeless during the Great Depression. He finds his father bankrupted the family paying for his education and then, instead of going back to Cornell and getting the piece of paper that would get him a life, decides to see what being a hobo (that’s an old fashioned word for being homeless) was like. He jumps a train that happens to have a circus on it. After dealing with some local color he is hired by the owner, played by the awesome Christoph Waltz (Inglorious Basterds) to be the circus veterinarian.
Waltz’s policy, apparently in order to avoid the hassle of dealing with unemployment claims, was to toss men he wanted to fire off the train while it was moving. No joke. During one night he tosses nine guys off. You would think the trail of bodies would eventually lead some kind of authority to the circus, but it looked like the police were far more motivated to enforce Prohibition laws. Anyway, just an aside.
Jacob meets the wife of the circus owner (played by Reese Witherspoon) and, during the course of the movie, proceeds to fall in love with her in one of the worst on screen romances I have ever seen. Seriously, there was much better chemisty between Reese and Christoph at the start of the movie (possibly because Christoph can act). The romance between Reese and Pattinson looked as natural and real as a little girl making her Ken and Barbie dolls kiss.
Anyway, Waltz buys an elephant named Rosie, who is easily the most appealing character in the whole film. Jacob is given the job of training her, which August, Watlz’s character, seems to think can only be done by beating the hell out of her in a couple scenes that will make you want to vomit if you have any love of animals. Jacob, in yet another phases-of-the-moon-like predictable scene tries love which, low and behold, works. Actually, it works when he discovers Rosie apparently only responds to commands given in Polish (???). I guess there was some kind of connection between Polish speakers and elephant training. Also I guess elephants can’t be retrained to listen to commands in any other language once they learned one. Not known for their memories, apparently.
Oh, god. I just did a little research to see if August was at all a common male name in America and have discovered that the most common baby name for boys in 2009 was Jacob. Some days I hate America. Twilight sucks.
Anyway, circus hijinx ensue. Guys get tossed off trains. Love finds it’s awkward way onto the screen in spite of Reese and Roberts attempt to convince you that they both reproduce asexually. A million minor characters are added for color and then disappear like flatulence on a windy night. The big disaster alluded to at the beginning of the movie strikes, leaving the star crossed love birds free to pursue their dreams of a tepid marriage. Jacob finally does what he should have done in the first five minutes and gets his veterinary degree and a career. I won’t give it totally away, but the final conclusion is so insipid and dumb that the movie would not have at all been damaged if alien invaders had landed and probed all the main characters (in fact, it would have been dramatically improved).
First the stars. Watching the HBO show Carnivale has given me a liking of circus themes. One star. Christoph Waltz. Two stars. Rosie the elephant. One star. The depression era scenery and clothing were all pretty good. One star. Reese Witherspoon is hot. One star. The filming and pacing were decent. One star (can you tell I”m reaching here?). Total: six stars.
Now the black holes. Jacob doesn’t get his degree like a moron. One black hole. Romantic chemistry similar to mixing two glasses of tap water together. Two black holes. There is no established motivation for anyone to do anything, especially August to not chuck Jacob off the train first thing. One black hole. A lot of effort is spent trying to establish that the circus performers and roustabouts are all one big family, right before August tosses a bunch of them off the train. One black hole for discontinuity. Titanic rip off. One black hole. I should give one black hole for every seemingly interesting supporting character who disappeared after two lines, but will restrain myself. Two black holes. The plot device of firing people by tossing them off the train when simply saying “You’re fired ” (Trump) would have sufficed really bugged me. One black hole. Animal cruelty, even in cinema, really puts me off my feed. One black hole. There was a distinct lack of grime and despair that one normally associated with Depression era films (see Carnivale if you haven’t). One black hole. Total: 11 black holes.
Grand total of five black holes. Not great. Not even worth seeing in a theatre (I Hate Theatre image courtesy of the funny political t shirts category). Honestly, if you have two hours of you life with nothing better to do watch it on NetFlix streaming. Your mom would probably like it, so if you are looking for something to do with her that won’t cause your brain to shrivel up too much, take her to a matinee.
Incidentally, it does give me a warm feeling to help contribute another nail in the coffin of Robert Pattinson’s career (Twilight sucks), although that wasn’t my intent when I saw the movie. I just wish I didn’t also have to hurt Christoph Waltz’s in order to do it.
Some thoughts on the death of Usama Bin Laden
Before I get into this, my apologies for not posting more frequently. I had yet another show to do this last weekend, and while it taught me some good lessons (mostly about approaching shows in Southern California with more caution) they always turn into a ton of extra work. I am still folding shirts. Also I have a couple huge new projects to work on.
However, I don’t like to make excuses and will endeavor to post more often. I think I am going to see the new Fast and Furious movie tonight, which should turn into movie review gold tomorrow if it sucks like I expect. Of course I heard on the Howard Stern Show that it grossed a ton over the weekend, so it might end up being disappointingly good.
It seems appropriate to comment on the long awaited death of Usama Bin Laden, evil mastermind behind the 9/11 tragedy. It’s funny, because I am by nature more drawn to the evil villains in movies and comic books. I sometimes imagine myself to be an evil genius bent on world domination. However, while this is all well and good in the wonderful world of fantasy, it is rare that we run into someone who can truly be called evil in real life.
Make no mistake. Usama Bin Laden was a scumbag of the highest order. He killed thousands of innocent men, women, and even children to promote an agenda that for the most part none of us had ever heard of or for that matter gave a crap about. Hitler was evil, but he had the decency to direct his evil at obvious targets (I am not in any way endorsing anything Hitler did. Just pointing out that he did not resort to random attacks on people who he had not clearly identified as his enemies. He sucks too). I had never even heard of al Queda before 9/11, nor had I or any of the people in the World Trade Center been guilty of any of the offenses they claimed to be fighting against.
It should also be noted that he was also a cowardly hypocrite. He sent other guys on suicide missions while he sat happy in his Pakistani mansion. He kept innocent women on his property as a human shield and when finally faced with his just reward used one to protect his worthless ass.
I think it fair to say that, while I am extremely proud to be an American, I don’t drip with patriotic mucus. I have been know to distrust our government and question the directions we have been taking. However, when I heard about Bin Laden yesterday (thank you to the lovely Katie for the text) I felt so wonderful to be an American. It was like a huge weight had been lifted from the sky and all of a sudden all sorts of things seemed possible. I went out to dinner last night and everyone I saw seemed more upbeat. Kudos to the Navy Seals who put paid to that bastard, as well as the rest of the US Armed forces and President Obama for a job well done. I give you all bonus props for shifting all the media focus off the incredibly boring royal wedding. Thank you.
(Game Over image courtesy of the political t shirt category)
Who is Doctor Who and other interesting questions.
I have watched some episodes of Dr. Who and liked it a lot, but this morning I received an email from my best friend with a number of interesting questions about the show that I don’t feel qualified to answer. I think I can answer about half of these well, but the rest all pretty much defy my experience. Also, I think this is pretty funny, even as a fan. If you have any answers please feel free to respond or email me at [email protected].
(By the way, I know enough about the Doctor to know that this Matt Smith t-shirt is not exactly the optimal choice, as David Tennant was a lot more popular, although Matt seems to be gaining in popularity from what I have seen. T shirt image thanks to the TV show t shirt category)
“Dead Dave,
I’m looking for a simple explanation of what Dr Who is about and why people have been watching it for over 47 years. From what I’ve read and heard, there’s no reason why a Sham-wow infomercial looped over 25 years wouldn’t be as interesting.
Here’s what I have after talking to Greg last night and trying to read the Wiki and Netflix pages:
The show is not funny .
The Dr is super smart but nearly always rendered helpless or confounded in every show.
The Dr doesn’t have a gun.
Everyone around the Dr gets kidnapped.
Each incarnation of Dr Who is more annoying than past Dr’s.
The Dr doesn’t die, just regenerates. Regenerates from what, not being dead?? Why regenerate a perfectly good body??
There’s no special effects.
There are no scary villains.
The Dr. has no defined purpose. Like Quincy or Murder She Wrote, things just happen around him.
There are no hot girls nude, nor are there hot girls with clothes on.
Each episode costs about .37 cents to produce & it shows.
There is no good place to start watching the show. Either you were born and raised to it or you’ll never get it without watching all the shows.
Time Travel get’s it’s own category:
- The ‘future looks like modern day London. Except if you’re watching old shows, then it looks like 60’s London.
- The Dr’s time traveling device is a telephone booth. From my understanding, everyone can see it and see him pop in from whenever he’s coming from.
- What’s to keep someone from getting into his phone booth and jacking his time-ride?
- When phasing into existence, what happens to the people who are occupying the street where the phone booth lands. London is a walking town and the streets are always full of people.
- Why is the super smart time-space phone booth called a tardus???
I feel like I’ve been left out because it seems that the show is really boring. I sure would like to understand what it is I’m missing. At the suggestion of one of the guys from work who lives in London, I’m going to start watching the 2005 season.
Anything you can add to clarify?”
I will answer a couple that are pretty simple. TARDIS is an acronym that stands for Time And Relative Dimension In Space. It looks like a police call box because the chameleon circuit has malfunctioned and is more or less stuck. Incidentally, the Tardis weighs something like 50,000 pounds. The reason no one can walk in and steal the time ride is each Tardis is biologically imprinted with the owner, in this case Doctor Who. Not sure how he got it imprinted. I haven’t seen that episode. Also the Doctor has a key that can lock the door.
As for the scary villains, I think some of them are quite scary. Here is a list of the top 5 worst Doctor Who villains. Anyway, if anyone else has a comment for my friend feel free to post a reply. Thanks for your help.
Nerd Dating: Dating with Physical Activity Part 3
Still more totally fun dates that involve moving somewhat.
Dancing-most women love dancing in some form or another. Also, it is one of the few of these where it is not only OK but actually most likely preferable if you get totally wasted before and/or during said activities. However, it is also a punji stick line tiger trap that will make you look like a total tool if you don’t know what you are doing, which most likely you don’t. My advice is to go back and read all the posts I did on nerd dancing, practice in front of a mirror, and then take her bowling.
Trampoline-believe it or not, but this is totally fun. A few weeks ago a friend of mine threw a birthday party for adults and as part of it we went to this indoor trampoline facility and played nation ball. It was a blast. Trampolines are really fun, and it is one area where any excess body mass you may have will actually work to your advantage, as it will propel you higher into the air. The best part about trampolines is it is one of those things that can make you look really athletic, in spite of being heinously out of shape. No matter how long it has been since you went to the gym, you will look like an Olympian when you are bouncing eight feet into the air. Just don’t hurt yourself.
Swimming-whether this is a good idea or not is a judgment call. I think I have composed an elegant equation to figure it out. Here it is. Rate the following on a 1-10 scale, with 10 being best/worst. F=how badly our body looks. D=how likely you are to drown or be eaten by something. W=how white your skin is and how badly you will burn. G=how good a swimmer you really are. B=how badly you want to see your girl in a bathing suit. Here is the equation:
X=(G*B)/(F+D+W)
If X is significantly over a 1.0 than it is most likely a good idea. If it hovers around 1.0 than I would hesitate. If it is significantly under a 1.0 than I would bail. Personally I don’t like swimming in water that I can’t see through, so that means I am stuck with pools, which will reduce my score for dying but will increase my F score, as you can look better in murky water. As with everything, it pays to do some research.
Organized sports-when I say this in my mind it is with a rising inflection, turning it into “Organized sports?” That being said, if you have some friends into it fun can be had playing volleyball, or softball. Something along those lines. Tennis is OK too. Stay away from football and rugby, as odds are she will hate it (and you will die). One nice side benefit of volleyball is you can possibly get your date to wear a bikini top without having to get in the water yourself, so bonus.
I’m starting to run out of ideas, so I will let this topic rest for now. I have a couple ideas of new stuff to talk about, plus I should be seeing something good and/or bad at a theater soon.
So yesterday’s question of Renaissance inventor/artist Leonardo de Vinci versus eclectic dope fiend and horn dog Ben Franklin, I think I am going to have to give it to Benjamin, based on time era alone. The problem is Ben Franklin had guns, which would have put the hurt on Leonardo regardless of whatever inventions he had with him. It takes more than a corkscrew helicopter to stop an ounce of lead. (Ben Franklin image courtesy of the political t shirt category).
I don’t have any brilliant who-would-win questions in me right now, as it is Easter and I have worked all day. Tomorrow I am going to rant about WOW a little, so look forward to that. Have a great day.
Nerd Dating: Dating with Physical Activity Part 2
So if you are still reading after yesterdays post I can assume you aren’t frightened by the idea of being outside and generating a sweat. Here are some more idea for good date stuff that involves something more active than flicking the TV remote.
Skiing or snowboarding – if you are fortunate enough to be close enough to ski resort to do a one day trip to the mountain (or, as we used to call it, a burrito run) this can be a great date. It’s outdoors in some beautiful scenery, you get to rest on the lift between runs, its cold which can motivate her to snuggle up, and getting hurt snowboarding or skiing can look pretty studly, as long as you don’t do it while trying to get off the ski lift. Also, unless she is an expert skier at some point halfway through the day she will probably jump at your suggestion to get some hot chocolate and sit in the lodge for a couple hours. Skiing is one of those things everyone has to claim to love, but after five or six runs the average person is happy to sit watching other people be cold while looking cool in their ski clothes.
By the way, this should be pretty obvious, but don’t suggest this unless you actually know how to ski or snowboard. Nothing will make you look like more of a eunuch like flailing down the bunny slope. You need to make sure you are both at about the same skill level or you are better than her (being her teacher for the day can really make you look good).
Those dumb paddle boats – yes, the are stupid. But did you ever wonder how they stay in business? It’s because they make for great dates. You are out on the water (all two feet of it, usually) by yourself with your girl and having fun. It will usually be relatively quiet, and there will be ducks, frogs, and other local fauna to distract her.
As a side benefit, your (hopefully) superior musculature and body weight will more or less mean you can keep your half of the boat moving while doing about 1/3 the work. If you feel at all guilty about that just remember that odds are sometime in the next couple months she will be asking you to move a couch or something. Also, don’t forget that “mauled by a mountain lion saving her” thing from my hiking entry.
Bowling – yes, unless you are on the PBA you will probably suck at this, but as goofy as it is, it is fun and entertaining. This is another activity that everyone claims to love to do, but once faced with the reality of actually doing it are willing to hang it up after about two games. Be sure to practice your moon walk while on the floor with the shoes.
Ice or roller skating – ironically, this is one activity where it is actually OK to be much worse than your date at. Flailing aimlessly around on the ice while she does triple axles is in a weird way endearing and cute. You will not lose any credibility with her even if you fall on your ass. There is a good chance she will even admire your courage and willingness to try something outside your box. On the other hand, if you are great at it you will burn a ton of calories and look cool. There is not a way to lose here, unless you get hurt (not as cool as getting hurt snowboarding).
That’s it for today. More tomorrow.
For our who would win question, the Punisher versus Fidel Castro, I am going a assume Frank Castle either got co-opted by the CIA or discovered Castro was involved in the drug trade somehow. On the one hand, the Punisher is an expert in all forms of mayhem, and with enough planning could probably make something happen. On the other hand, by all reports Castro has survived any number of CIA or NSA attempts on his life. I honestly don’t really know, but I am inclined to go with the Punisher just because I like him better. (Castro image courtesy of the political t shirt category)
For today let’s go historical inventors. Who would win, Ben Franklin versus Leonardo da Vinci?
