Nerd Dating: Dating with Physical Activity Part 1
So I was preparing myself to watch Hop last night (any by preparing I mean punching myself in the stomach repeatedly to build up a tolerance for the incoming pain) and at the last minute decided my last few weeks have been difficult enough, despite my desire to see something Bat-nipple bad in order to write a funny review. However, I took a look at a couple of the recent reviews I did for decent movies and decided they were not without literary merit. I looked online for the Grand Lake Cinema, which is closer to me and tends to show artsier movies. The only problem is they don’t have $5 movies twice a week. Low and behold, Limitless, a movie I had intended to see a few weeks ago but missed, was playing at 7. I had about 10 minutes to get there so I rushed out and made it with about 30 seconds to spare only to find there is apparently another Grand Lake Cinema in Colorado that apparently shows up higher on Google results. Ironically, Hop was playing at 7, so it seems fate is pushing me to see that animated Easter pile of dung (I did read a few other reviews before making that statement, and now stand by it. From what I have seen when do get around to watching it there appears to be plenty of writing fodder).
However, as I have been know to say upon occasion, fate is a fickle bitch, and I for one refuse to kowtow to her every whimsy. I turned around, went home, and did my laundry. Of course, that leaves me with the burning question of what do write about today, but I think I have gotten into a lazy habit of using the film reviews as an excuse to think less, so I will got back to my old friend, nerd dating.
The idea of dates that involve physical activity of some kind I touched on briefly earlier, but think it rates expansion. The fact is a large number of nerds (myself included, unfortunately) approach physical activity with the same relish as they would a sewage sandwich liberally smeared with Branston’s Pickle and mucus. However, in addition to the massive medical and body image improvements that can be gleaned from doing something active, it also makes for an awesome date.
In general, women like doing physical stuff. More importantly, even if they don’t they want the guy they date to be into it. If your first three dates are all along the lines of dinner and a movie they will probably come to the (correct) assumption that you are a couch potato, and therefore from a primitive biological evolutionary standpoint less likely to kill a moose in order to provide for them and their offspring, thus ensuring that their DNA is successfully passed on to the next generation. Also, if you are wondering if there are any other reasons to get more fit, never forget the impeding zombie apocalypse. It is coming.
Not only do women like doing physical stuff, but in many cases it is quite the aphrodisiac. If you spend an afternoon playing tennis with her and she gets really turned on by it, guess what is the closest thing to a man in her line of sight?
So what are some good physical dates that are fun, inexpensive, and won’t leave you sucking oxygen 500 yards behind your potential date? Here are a few.
Bicycling-running is right out, as most of you can’t go more than a block or so without passing out or injuring a knee (by the way, there aren’t a lot of turn offs stronger than getting hurt and hauled off in an ambulance doing an activity considered normal by humans, like running). Bicycling is pretty easy, however, and fun if you can do it in a casual manner. Make absolutely sure your date doesn’t do Triathlons or even know when the Tour de France runs, or you will look like a loser as she laps you for the 8th time. Best would be if she doesn’t even have a bike and you can rent one for her. As an aside (sorry if any of you find this observation sexist, but I am a straight male) having a girl ride a bike in front of you can do a lot to enhance the scenery, if you know what I mean.
Hiking-I have never met a girl who didn’t claim to like hiking, even if they secretly hate it. I think when women hit puberty they all receive a gift package of a training bra, assorted feminine products of a suspiciously vague nature (odds are I happier not knowing what they are, but if there were ever a worldwide conspiracy by women to enslave men (and who’s to say there isn’t? Or that it hasn’t already happened and we never noticed?) they could easily smuggle weapons and secret documents in packages marked with the word “freshness”), male guilt projectors (possibly located in the bosom), and a liking of hiking. It is physical, close to nature, and usually has good scenery. Also, it is the two of you alone in the woods, which can lead to other physical activities. Finally, while it is a great chance to talk, if you feel the strain of maintaining a conversation has gotten burdensome it is perfectly acceptable to hike in silence, thus enhancing the grandeur of nature or something.
Also, earlier I said getting carted off in an ambulance doing something normal like running is a huge turn off. However, getting hurt while doing something unusual like hiking is often a huge turn on. Twisting an ankle, getting bit by a rattlesnake, or being mauled while protecting your girl from a mountain lion will elicit so much sympathy sex you won’t know what hit you, assuming you survive. Crafting a makeshift crutch out of a tree branch and limping out will greatly enhance this. On the other hand, poison ivy, chiggers, or ticks are just gross and will get you nothing, so be careful.
I think that’s it for today. Tomorrow I’ll talk about some other stuff you can do that fits in this category in more detail.
I think I am ready to answer the Aquaman versus Wonder Twins question. Honestly, I kind of hope they manage to kill each other off, leaving only Gleep standing among their corpses, but I think I will have to give it to the Wonder Twins. I think Jan would fail miserably, as any sea animal she turned into Aquaman could probably command, but if Jayce just turned into water and then used it to strangle Aquaman I don’t think he could do anything about it. Kind of a weirdly complicated question. (Aquaman image courtesy of the DC comic t shirts)
For today I pull a topical question: who would win, the Punisher verses Fidel Castro?
Movie Review: Hanna
So my quest to find a bad movie to bag on remains unfulfilled. Hanna wasn’t great, but it also didn’t feel like parts of my brain were shriveling while I watched it, which is pretty much what I was looking for (see my review for the Warriors Way if you want a good example). It was a flesh wound.
Before I get into the story and specific stars and black holes, I will say this. It is an axiom of film, comic book, and video game that any attempt to genetically engineer a super soldier will inevitably result in one of those soldiers rising up and killing everyone who was remotely involved, and Hanna is not the exception to that rule. Also, in the lexicon of bad places to hang out in any kind of movie or video game, abandoned amusement parks always rank in the top three (along with abandoned schools and abandoned hospitals. Ironically, in my book graveyards don’t even hit the top 10, unless it’s a zombie film (Zombie image courtesy of the zombie movie t-shirts)) and Hanna lives up to the stereotype.
So the story is of a young girl, raised by a Grizzly Adams looking guy in the woods of a country in Europe (? Never clearly defined. They seemed in imply Scandinavia, but since I have license and am also a big Three Stooges fan, for simplicities sake we’ll call it the Kingdom of Moronica) where she has a typical childhood upbringing-killing animals with a bow, shooting stuff with a Lugar, and having her father train her to be professional assassin by constantly sneaking up on her and trying to kill her. In other words, a completely stable, wholesome upbringing with no chance whatsoever of massive psychological damage. (I’m being factitious here, of course. The girl is basically being raised in a blood lined Skinner box). It turns out that she was part of some super soldier program and her father took her away after her mother was killed by a woman with shockingly red hair. They summon the US agency that he used to work for that goes unnamed but for the partially seen seal on a wall is the Ce….. …………. …..cy. Subtle. Anyway, for no apparent reason he bails on Hanna, leaving her to deal with the spy hit team (also sent out for no apparent reason). She gets captured and ends up in a long chase across Europe, where she meets an English family, and is headed for Germany for something.
That’s really my only problem with the movie. There is a lot of lack of motivation for anyone to do anything. I spent the entire movie plagued by “wh” questions. As in, why didn’t they just leave and head to Germany together? What were they hoping to accomplish there? Why would the father take the time to train Hanna to be a super spy assassin, as well as educate her in at least five different languages and the weight of a blue whales testicles (no joke), but not bother to teach her what a passport is or what electric lights or a television are? What kind of spy doesn’t need to know that? What ended up happening to the family that helped Hanna? Why didn’t the super secure facility where they brough Hanna not have security grates on the air vents (or something. Not sure what she was running around in) to prevent escape, or for that matter even a padlock on the exit door? Why would they dress their prisoner in an orange jumpsuit that is almost exactly the same color as the desert rocks outside the underground facility? Why didn’t the trained military guys notice the open manhole they were driving over?
The list goes on. All these questions gave the whole story a weird, disjointed feeling.
Anyway, spy hijinx ensues. A number of trained, grown men are killed by a 16 year old girl. That’s pretty much the bulk of the story.
First, the stars. The girl who plays Hanna, Saoirse Ronan, does an amazing job for such a young girl. I expect to see her do some great stuff in the future. Two stars. As disjointed as some of the film feels, there literally wasn’t a dull moment. One star. Most of the European and African scenery was great, and shot to good effect. One star. Kate Blanchet was pretty good as the heavy, although her Southern accent felt really forced. One star. The father was also pretty good, at least once he shaved off his really bad beard and cut his hair. One star. There is one really good villain from the “effete German soulless killer” school that, while stereotypical, was entertaining. One star. They didn’t try to exploit the cute young girl with some lame love interest (the Professional). One star. I have my issues, but don’t want to bury this film in black holes, so I am going to give two more stars just on general enjoyment. Total: 10 stars.
Now the black holes. I could give about 50 for each of the “wh” questions that came into my head while watching this, but I will be kind and restrict it to three. This may sound petty, but the soundtrack (by the Chemical Brothers, whom I normally like) literally sounded like cell phone ring tones most of the time. I’m not kidding. Every time they changes scenes and a new track would play people in the audience were checking their phones to see if they had left them on. One black hole. I’m really bugged that I never found out what happened to the British family that helped Hanna, and when you see the movie you will understand why. One black hole. The British family, while kind of entertaining and integral to the story, also annoyed me by trying to crowbar in all the pop culture references Hanna, having grown up in the woods eating deer meat, couldn’t. One black hole. While almost all the action sequences were good and well choreographed, there were a couple, especially towards the end, that had me saying “duh”. One black hole. Total, seven black holes.
Grand total of three stars, which honestly is not bad. I don’t think you really need to run out and see this in the theater, but if you can see it cheap go for it. Definitely put it on your NetFlix list. You won’t feel like you wasted your time seeing this one.
I might go see something tonight, being yet another cheap movie night at Jack London Square, but my options are limited. Insidious looks scary as hell, Soul Surfer has sharks, Scream 4 is getting decent reviews, and Hop might put me into a sugar coma. None of the looks sucktastic enough to make a great review, although Hop is probably my best candidate. At least I can talk about the many childhood Easter traumas I experienced.
Movie review: Source Code
I actually saw this a few days ago, but felt I liked it too much to write an interesting review given that I have liked most of the movies I have seen lately. I went and saw Arthur and, ironically and in the face of all logic and previous experience, like it too. So I am stuck writing this one too. I will try to make it interesting.
I am trying to find something sucktastic this weekend. Best choice I think would be Soul Surfer, since I hate surf culture with the burning passion of a super nova, but sharks creep me out like very little else on earth and it looks like there is a lot of emotional coming to grips crap that would make me feel bad for dumping on the film. I think I will see Hanna, which potentially could suck, but I am worried that I will come out with something good from it too. I’ll let you know.
Also, I am judging a Warhammer tournament tomorrow that will take up all day so I don’t think I will be able to blog while getting my geek on. Sunday should do it.
Anyway, Source Code. Jake Gyllenhaal stars as an Army captain with the incredibly macho name of Colter Stevens (Really? The only way they could have cooked up a more manly name is if they had gone with Duke McHugepenis) who snaps to awareness in the body of another guy on a commuter train outside Chicago. Eight minutes later the train blows up and it turns out he has somehow been sent back in time, sort of, to relive the guys last eight minutes in an attempt to figure out who blew up the train and what his next target would be. I say somehow in the most literal sense possible. This is actually an old concept in time travel science fiction, but when they try to explain how they are doing it there doesn’t seem to have been a lot of research into possible explanations. Somehow the last 8 minutes of memory in the dead brain tissue of the guy killed on the train can be translated into a time travel experience that still can’t have anything changed in the past. I don’t think a writer should ever use the term “quantum physics” in a movie scientific explanation unless they actually know something about quantum physics. My own understanding is limited, but I know enough to understand that there is very little in a human brain that can affect the space/time continuum. (Dr. Brown Enterprises image from Back to the Future image courtesy of the nerd t-shirts)
In spite of the fact that the science doesn’t even attempt to make sense, the movie is pretty good. They keep sending Captain Stevens back over and over again, Groundhog Day-style, where he investigates different passengers looking for the bomber. While there he manages to fall in love with a girl (super hot Michelle Monaghan) who he can only interact with for eight minutes before being killed (actually, when you think about it, there is something about that relationship that sounds a kind of cool and headache free. Not that I’m bitter). I the train blows up over and over again, people are accosted, and deep dark secrets are revealed.
First that stars. Story concept is actually pretty cool, if you can ignore the lame explanation. One star. For the most part the writing and dialog was decent. One star. Michelle Monaghan is extremely easy on the eyes. One star. In spite of being a Hollywood pretty boy, Jake Gyllenhaal doesn’t completely offend me. You actually feel a connection to his character. One star. There wasn’t a lot done outside of the train, but overall the filming, lighting, and editing were professionally done. They were able to create distinct atmospheres between the train and the military base the Captain was operating from. One star. They managed to deliver a decent movie without resorting to massive gun battles, car chases, and gratuitous explosions (except for the one big one). One star. Total: six stars.
Now the black holes. The lame attempt at science I, as a nerd, found extremely annoying and insulting to the collective intellect of America, in spite of the fact that probably 99% of us bought it. One black hole. The ending they literally pulled out of their ass and seemed to have nothing to do with anything previously established in the movie. One black hole. That’s pretty much it. Two total.
So a net result of four stars. Not bad at all, considering how few black holes showed up. Decent movie to see, and OK as a date film as there is not a ton of violence or nudity. Nothing in the filming was epic enough to require a large screen, so if you want to wait a bit you can see it on NetFlix and save a few bucks.
That’s it. I”m still kind of debating the Wonder Twins versus Aquaman question, so I won’t answer it. I will, however, ask why the Wonder Twins default forms weren’t always a T-Rex for Jan and an ice M1Abrams tank for Jayce? Seems that would have solved a lot of their problems quicker than turning into a marmoset and an ice Frisbee. Also, if Jayce turned into water, would he be subject to evaporation? Sounds dangerous to me.
Movie review: Arthur
I seem to be cursed. See, the thing is I have been writing more and more of these reviews, mainly because they are fun to do and force me to get out of the office and see more movies. Also, until I get inspired I think I have milked the dating advice cow dry and don’t want to force it. Anyway, I am enjoying writing these but have noticed that I seem to write better, longer, funnier reviews when I think the movie sucks. So last night (cheap movie night) I realized that I more or less liked the last two movies and had written pretty dry reviews. I saw Source Code on Monday and kind of liked it (as long as I could suspend my understanding of quantum physics as it relates to the human brain) and was going to write it up, but it seemed destined to be less than scintillating. So yesterday, when I was trying to decide what to see, I looked for the movie most likely to suck.
Ironically, my two best choices both starred Russel Brand and also both looked like they could put a diabetic into a permanent coma. Hop is a super cute Oedipal kiddie movie about the son of the Easter Bunny and Arthur is the story of a degenerate, privileged alcoholic British fop who is fabulously wealthy. I opted for Arthur as I have a natural inclination to like and be more forgiving of cartoons. That’s where I ran into my curse as, during the course of the movie, I found myself actually enjoying it.
This is weird. Arthur has all the elements of a movie I should hate with the burning passion of 10,000 suns. I despise movies of the super rich living fabulous lives. Ostentatious displays of wealth and privilege really annoy me, especially with the economy being what it is. I come from a long line of alcoholics so the constant drunken shenanigans that Arthur is constantly getting into should only bug me. Seeing pretty boys like Russel Brand score with women bugs me. I love an English accent on a woman but on a guy it is vaguely annoying, at least if I have to listen to it for more than an hour (sorry to all my British friends). The main love interest is blond, and I definitely prefer brunettes. But as the movie progressed, as much as I was looking to hate it, I found myself having a fairly fun movie going experience.
Don’t get me wrong. It wasn’t great, or even especially good. It holds no candle to the original Arthur, or any other great movie out there. It does have it’s issues, which I will discuss (exploit) for my blogs benefit shortly. However, it was fun to watch and I found myself laughing out loud multiple times. Also, I did a little research into Russel Brand and found out that he is hated by Twilight fans, which brings him up several notches in my book. Twilight sucks.
Anyway, the movie. Russel Brand stars as Arthur, the over privileged billionaire heir of some ill defined multinational charity (?) or something. He drinks constantly, has sex with anything missing a Y chromosome, and generally bumbles through life with the help of his nanny Hobson and his chauffeur Bitterman (who, for some reason, has an English name while he is obviously Hispanic in both appearance and accent. He is played by Puerto Rican Luis Guzman). His domineering mother, who has all the maternal instincts of Freddy Kruegar, has decided he is going to have to marry the younger, bitchier version of herself or be cut off from his riches. Meanwhile, Arthur meets Naomi, who somehow has an illegal tour guide business (??? Apparently tourists in New York City are so desperate for tours, what with the great tour guide shortage and corresponding tour price increases, that they are willing to go to back alley tour sellers) who he falls in love with. Amusing drunken hijinx ensue. Arthur learns important life lessons while appearing to learn nothing. All the usual, predictable stuff happens.
That’s more or less it. Let’s get into the stars. First of all, the movie is pretty funny. One star. Some of the dialogue is especially funny. One star. Super hot Jennifer Garner plays the bitchy fiance, and at one point runs around in a corset and not much else. One star. Hobson, the nanny, played by Helen Mirren, is really a cool character. One star. Naomi, the love interest, manages to act in an intelligent and mature manner, perhaps in contrast to Arthur’s childlike stupidity. One star. The whole movie, for some undefinable reason, was kind of fun to watch. One star. Total, six stars.
Now the black holes. The whole movie is a whitewashed PC remake of a great movie (in the original movie, Arthur meets his love interest while she is shoplifting, not running a tour business without a license. Don’t they know that shop lifting is cool again? Just look at Lindsay Lohan). One black hole. As cool as the new, female Hobson is, the original male Hobson (played by the great John Gielgud) was far better. “I’ll alert the media, sir.” One black hole. The whole story is depressingly predictable, even for someone who had not seen the original. One black hole. While enjoyable, the entire movie really lacks any kind of real substance. It’s like watching an episode of Friends. You have fun watching it, but once it’s done you realized your life is in no way improved by the experience. One black hole. Total: four black holes.
Total: two stars. Not really great, or even good, but OK. This movie has no amazing cinematography that requires being seen on a big screen, so really if I were you I would wait until you can stream it off NetFlix. That being said, once it’s up you won’t regret watching it, especially if you can do it with a girl.
Tomorrow I will complete my review of Source Code, another depressingly good movie. Why is it I can’t find a crappy movie lately? Four months ago it was a struggle to find a movie that couldn’t be used as an emetic substitute.
I need to get back to the who-would-win questions. Last one I posted was who would win, Superman versus Galactus. I want to believe Galactus would win out, as if he is capable of eating entire planets he should be able to eat Krypton and Superman as well. On the other hand, he did go down when faced with six zombie superheros in Marvel Zombies, so I guess Superman could probably beat him (Superman image courtesy of the comic book t shirts).
For today I propose a question that seems simple until you think about it for a while. Who would win, Aquaman versus the Wonder Twins?
Movie review: Your Highness
So it’s been kind of hell for the last few weeks, with the show and the move and all sorts of other stuff piling up like you wouldn’t believe, so I decided what I needed to do was unwind a little with a movie that would make me laugh. I have heard a lot about Your Highness on the Howard Stern Show and figured it would probably fit the bill, so I called a friend and we hit the theater.
The movie did not disappoint at all. I laughed my ass off continuously. Really funny and well written.
The story is of Thadius, the libertine nere-do-well younger son of the king (played by Danny McBride of Eastbound and Down. EB&D image courtesy of the television t shirt category) who spends his time drinking, whoring, and getting high and his older brother Fabius (played by Hollywood pretty boy James Franco) who is brave, noble, and in all ways a better than Thadius. Fabius has his bride kidnapped by an evil warlock name Leezar who plans to impregnate her with a dragon. In order to kill Leezar they need to find a magic sword. Along the way they are joined by the majorly hot Natalie Portman (her screen name is Isabel, but I have a hard time paying attention to the details whenever she is on the screen, if you know what I mean). Medieval(-ish) adventure hijinx ensue. Monsters are killed, Thadius comes to grips with his manhood (in more than one way), and a feast of fish sticks is consumed. The script is rife with sleazy puns and double entendres that all seem hilarious in spite of being incredibly juvenile.
First the stars. The movie is hilarious. Two stars. Natalie Portman. One star. Natalie Portman showing a thong rear shot. Two stars (although I heard an ugly rumor that they used a body double for this, in which case reduce it to one star). Every single character, even superstar pretty boy Fabius, is funny and engaging. One star. Leezar is great as a super villain. One star. A couple scenes with some extremely gratuitous nudity. One star. Overall extremely well written. One star. Total: nine stars.
Now the black holes. Kind of mediocre special effects and CGI (although really, you shouldn’t be here for these things). One black hole. The humor overall is really funny, but after a while it feels like they are beating the homoerotic jokes into the ground. One black hole. I really could have done without the whole minotaur genitalia running joke. One black hole. Total: three black holes.
So a grand total of six black holes, which is a very good score from me for a comedy. This movie is a great second or third date movie, as it will get her thinking about sex without you looking like a total pervert. I think you should definitely see it in a theater if you can, but this movie will also be a great addition to a DvD movie collection as it is exactly the thing to watch if you just want to throw something funny on that doesn’t require a lot of thought.
That’s it. Short this week but I still have about a million hours of work to do. I’ll try to stretch things out tomorrow.
I’m back and survived Wonder Con
So it has been a week and a half since my last post and I apologize. Honestly, I have had too much going on in my life. The last part of last month was all about getting ready for Wonder Con. Then three days of Wonder Con, which more or less left me a zombie after each day of the show. Then I took the opportunity to move to a bigger apartment and am still in the midst of trying to get unpacked (I have a lovely new living room and dinning area. Problem is I cant actually get to either of them as they are full up with boxes, bookcases, and a suspiciously unused exercise bike). Also I got sick for a couple days.
Anyway, needless to say, my life has been pretty exhausting lately and I haven’t had the time or energy for anything more than work or sleep. However, as I get my life and business back under control I should be able to keep things moving on the blogging front, at least until the next major event convergence.
Let me say first of all, Wonder Con was busier and more fun than last year. My best friend drove up from LA with his two boys and it was great to see him. I had good people helping me in the booth and sold a ton of shirt. Best of all, the shirt that outsold all the rest was my own design, this lovely zombie target practice shirt from the zombie movie t shirt category. Make me very happy and proud.
Second of all, it was a ton of fun. Lots of cool people, some really amazing costumes (as well as some amazingly bad ones), celebrities, panels, debuts, and all the stuff a good convention could have. Or so I hear second hand, as I didn’t have five minutes away from the booth, as two of the girls I hired got sick (and then got me sick, I found) and couldn’t work on Saturday. Fortunately I had a good friend in the city willing to work for t-shirts, so I was able to cover it. Still we could have used the help.
Anyway, I am falling asleep even as I type this. I am not event going to proofread this post, so enjoy the typos. I’ll get back into blogging full time starting tomorrow. For now, good night.
Movie Review: Sucker Punch
So I have been looking forward to this movie for a while now, and planned to see it Sunday. However, on Friday I started hearing that a lot of the reviews were coming back as bad, which shook me. The trailers showed a 40 foot tall metal samurai armed with a mini gun. How could that possibly be bad?
So with a certain amount of trepidation I went to my local Regal theater, spent $5 on a Sunday ticket and $15.25 on popcorn, water, and some Junior Mints, and sat in the seat. The movie started off ominously when I saw someone wheel in a stroller (note-if your child is too young to speak and/or stay awake for the entire movie he or she MIGHT just be too young to see a PG-13 movie). Sure enough, the child cried a couple times during the movie. I hold nothing against the child. It’s the incredibly selfish parents who need to be caned. What drove me even more insane through the movie was some adult who fell asleep several times and snored quite loudly. Bastard. For him it’s the scorpion pit.
Anyway, in spite of these issues, I enjoyed Sucker Punch immensely. It really appealed to the inner comic book geek inside me. Steam punk meets Kill Bill meets Brazil. I liked it so much that when I got home I had to look up some of the reviews and see what they were all bitching about. About 20 minutes of reading has shown me something I knew years ago and am forcibly reminded of periodically: most movie reviews are morons and don’t have a dook of an idea how to comport themselves geek-wise, oh my brother. Seriously, they just don’t seem to understand nerd culture. I refuse to help any of these idiots by linking their asinine reviews, but one moron from some rag called the city the 300 came from Sparda (it’s Sparta. Sparda was a demon from Devil May Cry). Imbecile.
Anyway, the movie does have it’s issues, which I will get into in a bit. The story is of a girl who gets framed by her step dad for the murder of her sister and committed to an insane asylum. She descends into a fantasy delusion where she is trapped in a 50’s (implied) brothel and has to escape. There she is forced to dance and every time she does she descends further into a delusion within a delusion (very Inception-like) where she and her friends have to fight any number of monsters, from steam punk WWI Germans, giant metal samurai warriors, LOTR type orcs, a dragon, and some high tech mirrored mechanicals (when I say mirrored I mean that. They pretty much shattered like they were made of glass). They have to find five things to gain their freedom. There’s an older guy who is her spiritual guide and/or commanding officer, a female psychiatrist/dance instructor, and her team is comprised of four more super hot girls; two blonds, a brunette, and an Asian girl. There is one main villain (the orderly at the insane asylum) and any number of lesser villains and henchmen. Violence in many different forms ensues, the story progresses in a very comic book (I mean that in a good way) style, and the story makes a lot or sense if you can let go of your need to have everything in life spoon fed to you. I don’t want to comment on the ending as it could be a huge spoiler, but I liked it.
First the stars. Visually stunning. Two stars. The CGI and special effects were awe inspiring. When you see the dragon it really looks like there is a dragon there. Two stars. Steam punk. One star. Dragon. One star. Giant samurai warriors. One star. Ever women in the film was uber hot. One star. The fight choreography was extremely good. Two stars. While a big part of the story involved Baby Doll’s dancing being hypnotic, they spared us the awkward pain of actually having to watch it and instead replaced it with more gratuitous violence. One star. Most of the sets involved a cool 1950’s noir style that I quite liked. One star. Total: 12 stars.
Now the black holes. The acting from every single character was painfully flat and mediocre. Two black holes. To compliment the mediocre acting the dialogue sounded like the writer spent most of his time writing Wikipedia articles on 13th century pole arms. Two black holes. You spend most of the movie fighting against an overwhelming feeling of injustice. One black hole. The girls names grind on you after a while (Baby Doll, Sweet Pea, etc). One black hole. Overall the film really kind of lacks depth, with pretty weak character development. One black hole (although, really, how much character development was there in 300? If you want character development see a Ron Howard film). Some pretty blatant holes in the plot (although they will bother you less if you keep in mind the whole film is seen through the eyes of an insane young girl). One black hole. Total: 8 black holes.
Grand total: 4 stars. Not a great score, and if you like movies and plots that make sense you might want to give this one a pass. However, it’s not a bad score and if you like visual movies and comic book style plots it is well worth seeing, especially on a big screen. I also give props for not forcing me to watch this in 3d, in spite of the fact that most of the scenes almost scream for it. One less headache.
Weird. I just realized my last blog post was a review of the movie Rubber. I guess it’s surreal movie week. I am sorry I haven’t had much time to blog, but you have no idea the amount of work I am dealing with right now. After Wonder Con this weekend, plus the 40 or more new shirts I need to upload, plus I am moving this week, not to mention my regular job and the fact that I am trying to get a new army painted for July and I am dating someone, I should be able to get back to my more frequent schedule.
Last post’s who-would-win question, Umbrella Corp verses Omni Consumer Products, I’m going to have to give to OCP. Umbrella might have the zombies, but honestly one ED-209 should be able to kill about 1000 zombies. They might be able to get the T-Virus into Robocop, which would be Zombie Robocop. Kind of scary. (OCP image courtesy of the movie t shirt category)
For today, let’s go classic WWW. Who would win, Superman versus Galactus?
Movie Review: Rubber
Last night at movie night my friend showed us a copy of Rubber, a new movie coming out next week. I’m not sure how he got it (and am happy that way) but reviewing a movie a week before it hits theaters makes me feel like a fully grown up movie reviewer instead of some guy who goes to the movies and then blogs about it. I am so proud.
That being said, Rubber is not Paul. I am pretty sure it will have a limited theater release and then go to video so fast it could possible turn time backwards. That being said, this movie is 100% guaranteed to become a cult classic, so if you want to gain any kind of hipster nerd cred you had better see it in the theater so five years from now when your friends are talking about it you can smugly say something like “Rubber? I saw it in the theater. Surreal.” and watch as all their egos all deflate and burn like the Hindenburg. I am sure at some point you will be able to leverage this into some kind of massive nerd-fu boost.
The film looks like it was created to try to impress the people at Cannes, where it was more or less universally panned. I honestly can’t decide if it was good or bad. The best word for it is really surreal. It’s a melding of Repo Man, the Red Balloon, City of Lost Children, Friday the 13th, Six String Samurai, and Eraserhead. That being said, it is shockingly well produced. They obviously had a budget, which really makes me wish I could have sat in the pitch meeting when the producer convinced someone to fund it.
Believe it or not, this movie was written and directed by Quentin. Not Tarantino. Quentin Dupieux. I wouldn’t have imagined there were two dudes named Quentin in the world, much less in the movie industry. This makes me really wonder if Mr. Dupieux was named Quentin originally. I don’t usually do this for movies that I review, but this movie is so weird I think I need to link the movie site to help you understand. Here you go: Rubber the Movie.
Surreal really doesn’t cover the story. It depicts the adventures of Robert, a tire that comes to life and has the telekinetic ability to blow people’s heads up. He rolls around (literally) some American backwater killing people, and being enchanted by a super hot brunette French girl named Roxane Mesquida, who shows some skin in a completely unnecessary shower scene that I appreciated immensely. There is some weird sub plot involving a group of spectators who are issued binoculars and watch Robert’s tribes and tribulations from a nearby hill and somehow are critical to the story. There is an insane sheriff, a kid who puts bird guts on his dads(?) pizza, some guy who directs the spectators, and another guy in a wheelchair who somehow completely confounds the evil plot that is being facilitated by the insane sheriff. The film is a French production but except for Roxane the cast and set is 100% American.
Sorry if that description seemed a little vague, but I am still not sure what the hell was going on. I am reasonably intelligent and an active movie viewer but still had a lot of trouble following it. That being said, I still enjoyed it. It was like eating celery: tasteless, but still fun to eat for the texture and will help clear out your intestines with all that fiber but at the end you discover you have burned more calories chewing than you gained in nutrition.
First the stars. Surrealism. Two stars. The film work was in its own way brilliant. Most of the camera work was done at the level of the tire. We had a debate at the end whether they were using stop motion, CGI, or some kind of really good wire work and really couldn’t decide. One star. For a script that looked like it was written by a Sophomore in a really artsy film school the production values, including camera, editing, and sound, were all very good. One star. The acting was also shockingly good. One star. They somehow managed to make the tire feel like it was more alive and had more emotion than Nicholas Cage in his last two movies. You honestly could tell when it was pissed and it could deliver a really ominous feel most of the time. One star. The special effects, mostly in the form of heads exploding, was really good. One star. Total: seven stars.
Now the black holes. Surrealism. One black hole. I know it’s a surrealist film, but there were a lot of moments when I was extraordinarily confused, especially by a lot of the motivations. One black hole. Given that this is a surrealist French film about Americans I am pretty sure there is some kind of inside French joke about America that would piss me off if I knew about it. One black hole on speculation. At the end of the movie I really wasn’t sure if I enjoyed it or not. One black hole. Total: four black holes.
Net total: three stars. Not bad, not great. However, don’t forget the pop culture credibility you will gain from having seen it in the theater. Also, if you are dating a girl and you somehow feel she doesn’t think you are weird enough, take her to see this. It could be a good girl nerd coolness test.
Yesterday’s question, LexCorp versus Umbrella Corporation, is really interesting. I think that with Lex Luthor at the head I think LexCorp could probably beat a bunch of zombies. However, the faceless heads of Umbrella match him act for act when it comes to cold blooded. I think in the end it would be LexCorp, but it would be close. (Umbrella Corporation image courtesy of the Resident Evil t shirts category)
Continuing on that same thread, who would win: Umbrella Corporation verses Omni Consumer Products (Robocop)?
Movie Review: Paul
So last night I was going to see Limitless but screwed up on the times and had to see Paul. I have been looking forward to Paul for a long time, but don’t think it will make a good review as I expected it to be amazingly cool (which it was). I will try to see Limitless later this week. Also I just found out that Regal Jack London Square has extended $5 movie night to all day Sunday, so I am pretty sure I will see Sucker Punch this weekend and review it too. I can’t wait.
For those of you living in a cave and not at all familiar with nerd culture, Paul is the latest movie by British comedy greats and nerds Simon Peg and Nick Frost. If you have not seen Shawn of the Dead or Hot Fuzz stop reading RIGHT NOW and go rent them immediately. Then come back. You will be a better human being for having done so. (Winchester Tavern Shawn of the Dead image courtesy of the movie t-shirt category)
By the way, if you are a Simon Peg/Nick Frost fan be sure to check out Spaced, a BBC show about two flatmates (that’s British for roommates) that I happen to think is really funny. It’s a lot of fun.
Anyway, Paul is about two nerds from England who come to America to go to Comic Con and then tour famous UFO landing sites. In the middle of nowhere they pick up an alien named Paul and have to help him get away from the Secret Service. I’m not going to go into the plot too much more than that, since I don’t think I really need to. The best stories are the simplest. Along the way they pick up a girl, are chased by some Secret Service guys, and enjoy some Americana as seen through English eyes. Stuff blows up, alien hyjinx ensue, and at the end you get a cameo appearance by someone who will put a big smile on your face.
I really shouldn’t even bother with my usual rating system, as I will be struggling to find black holes. I will start off with the stars and see what pops up. First of all, the movie is freaking awesome in general. Two stars. All the characters are great, especially Paul. Two stars. The story is really cool. One star. The dialogue is well done. One star. Every actor delivers a decent or better performance. One star. It’s about nerds. Two stars. There are literally several hundred inside nerd jokes and references to other movies (like the hillbilly band in a hick bar playing a country western version of the Star Wars Cantina jingle). Two stars. The CGI for Paul was truly amazing. You really feel like there is an alien there. One star. In spite of the marketing seemingly directed at kids the movie is actually meant for adult nerds. One star. Simon Peg and Nick Frost. One star. It features the guys at Comic Con and remains very true to what I know to be the convention atmosphere (although it seemed a little uncrowded, if you know what I mean). One star. Total: 16 stars.
Now for the black holes. Umm. Hmmmm. Not a lot. I suppose I could give one for the occasional habit of devolving into Scooby Doo-like antics when it came to hiding Paul from the authorities. In a lesser film that sort of Three Stooges slapstick can wear thin pretty quick. One black hole. That’s pretty much it.
So grand total of 15 stars, my best score to date. Awesome movie. Not only do I recommend you see it, but in fact I beg you to see it in order to boost the movies revenue and therefore encourage Hollywood to give more money to Simon and Nick more money to keep making them. We need to support guys who make movies that don’t suck.
That’s it. Kind of short for one of my movie reviews, but the long ones are where I can bitch and find ton’s of black holes. Great movie, and in my opinion a very decent date movie. If you don’t see it you suck.
As for yesterdays who-would-win question, Lex Luthor versus Joker, I am going to have to go with Joker. Sure, Luthor is a genius and has the resources of Lexcorp, but the unpredictable nature of the Joker will mean he will come figure some way of getting to Lex that was completely unseen.
For today, I would say let’s keep going in this thread going but take it up in scale. Who would win: Lexcorp versus Umbrella Corporation?
Nerd Dating: the fine art of eye contact
So I am at a loss for a series to do right now. I will just do single posts about things that I think will help, along with stuff I find interesting. Today I will talk about eye contact.
Eyes are the windows of the soul, and if you cannot make and maintain eye contact people will never feel like they know you. There is a reason “shifty eyed” is a phrase that means untrustworthy. If you are trying to connect with someone, you have to make eye contact. By the way, this habit will not only serve you well in dating but in all aspects of life, especially work.
This has always been a challenge for me, as I am constantly distracted by any kind of movement and often find myself staring at someone’s mouth as they speak. However, if you are by nature kind of introverted than it is likely you spend a lot of time looking at the ground, or the cat, or over someone’s shoulder. Of course, if you are kind of a moron you are staring at the girl’s breasts, which will make you look like a neanderthal. Getting in the habit of looking into her eyes will help keep you from making this error.
If you aren’t in the habit, start off staring into your own eyes in the mirror. Do it while brushing your teeth or whatever. Also, putting a mirror near where you like to make phone calls can be great practice of talking while looking into eyes. Practice makes perfect. If you have another friend with the same problem try doing staring contests with each other. Dumb, but every bit helps. Also, try playing poker. Something about it naturally makes you want to look into each other’s eyes.
However, remember that when you are talking to a girl it isn’t a staring contest. You need to give her a break once in a while. Odds are she will look away at some point, which is a good chance to blink and so on. If you are trying to get the waiters attention look away. Honestly, don’t act unnaturally. Just whenever you are talking to her try to be looking in her eyes.
That’s it. Short but sweet, as I have a ton of work to do tonight. I’ve kind of lost track of 
my who would win thing so I will start over with who would win; Joker versus Lex Luthor? (Joker image courtesy of the Batman T-Shirts category)
