Nerd Dating: Online Dating pt 14: interpreting photos
Yes, I am back on the dating stuff. Last night at movie night we watched Unstoppable, which I have both seen and already wrote a review for (also I cut out early to grab some hot chocolate with the the girl I am currently seeing. Keep your priorities in order, my friends) and really don’t have a lot else to talk about. I will continue with my guide to interpreting the different types of photos you see on online dating posts.
Boudoir photo. This is something only women and the occasional gay guy post, and since my focus is on women I will leave the male ones alone. If a woman posts a soft focus photo of herself wearing lingerie on a bed then either she is a sex worker/spam farmer or just really out of shape. If the first you can expect to get all kinds of interesting email from Nigerian princes, hair restoring products, and Viagra alternatives. Either that or she will turn out to be a desperately single super model from the former USSR who needs money to come to America. Occasionally an actual woman will post this, but it usually is the case that if the photo is lit right and out of focus enough (i.e. smear enough petroleum jelly on the lens) the most out of shape mutant on the planet can end up looking like the hottest woman alive. In both cases I’d say stay away.
Bridesmaid/Groomsman photo. This person is sending a strong message, and that message is “I’m sick of seeing all my friends get married and want a husband/wife now!” You had best show up for the first date with an engagement ring and a blood test. If this fits your goal then go for it, although I have found you can expect a certain amount of bitterness from your date. Also these people really want kids usually, so you can save a fortune in condoms.
Picture with mom. If a woman posts this she is trying to show you how wholesome she is. Odds are she will be a pretty good girlfriend and likely a really good cook, but if you are a fan of the occasional freaky sex thing you will be disappointed. If a guy posts this you can count on having to pass his mom’s test to date him. He is very likely a strong mamas boy and you can look forward to experiencing every bad mother-in-law story you have ever heard.
Picture with dad. If a guy posts this he is probably really into sports and is trying to show you how manly he is. Probably a decent boyfriend but could also turn out to have any number of massive deep seated issues that won’t crop up until you have been married for 10 years. You are literally rolling the dice. If a woman posts this you can expect to have a number of creepy “What are your intentions with my daughter” conversations as well as feeling eyes burning holes in the back of your head at your wedding and at any number of future family events. If the dad has money you can also enjoy having everything nice you buy for your girlfriend/wife outdone by her rich daddy (buy her a car, he buys her a better car). On the other hand, if you keep your receipts this can turn into quite the groovy money making scam.
That’s it for today. More of the same tomorrow, although I think I am coming up on the end of my list of stereotyped photographs.
Yesterday’s question, Mario versus Link, seemed like a no brainer to me. I thought Mario would easily smash Link with his hammer from Donkey Kong. However, the girl I am dating now pointed out that the hammer actually counts as a power up and I said no power ups (can you see why I like her?). That being the case, Link packs a ton of weapons as part of his normal day to day and I have to go with him winning. (Mario image from the Super Mario t shirt section)
For today we’ll go with some classic movie stuff: who would win, Jack Burton from Big Trouble in Little China versus Buckaroo Banzai from Buckaroo Banzai across the 8th Dimension?
Movie Review: I am Number Four, which kind of smelled like number two.
Ok, it wasn’t quite that bad, but if you are going to hand me a straight line like that you have to expect me to jump on it with all my fourth grade humor powers. Before I get into the movie, 
I would like to apologize for missing a full week of blogging. The thing is, I was at that gaming show selling t-shirts and at night I was either passed out or watching Firefly episodes with the most amazing girl on the planet. I’m sure you understand the order of my priorities. (Fruity Oaty Bar image courtesy of the sci fi t shirt category)
Last week I also saw Black Swan and was going to review it, but honestly I thought about it and couldn’t come up with a single black hole. It was truly exceptional and amazing. Unfortunately a movie with no black holes usually turns into a pretty boring review, so unless I did the whole thing on my creepy obsession with Natalie Portman dating back to the Professional it would have been pretty dull. Therefore I will say I highly recommend you see it and move on to something lamer.
Let’s get into I am Number Four. Ultimately it is Twilight with aliens instead of vampires. Same pretty teenagers who are supposed to be in high school but who really look like they are serving drinks at a bar on Santa Monica Boulevard. Even the supposed nerd is shockingly fit and good looking. The main guy is John Smith, an exiled Lorien alien living on Earth while the evil Mogadorians hunt him and his eight fellow ex-patriots down. For some unexplained reason (the term unexplained could be applied to a lot of this movie) the Mogadorians can only kill them in order, so John is at the plate after number three gets killed in some jungle. The movie starts with John living a teenage dream in South Florida with hot bikini girls, beach fires, and a complete and utter disregard for PWC safety. He senses Three being killed by having a brand in the shape of a bad Tribal tattoo burn itself into his leg along with the brands from the One and Two. His protector Henri pulls him out and they relocate to Paradise, Ohio.
There he disregards all advice from his experienced protector and enrolls himself into the local high school (with shocking ease. Aren’t you supposed to have some kind of records or something? At least a note from your old school?) where he meets the love of his life. He gets into it with an extremely cliche bully and his crew, befriends the local nerd outcast (who by happy coincidence is a hard core believer in aliens), finds super cute beagle who turns out to have followed him from Lorien (also the name of a forest in Lord of the Rings) and can transform into a two ton killing machine, and has number Six, who is a Buffy the Vampire Slayer-like combat chick, show up to save his ass (by the way, it is painfully obvious that the casting director has a serious liking of thin faced blond girls, as the only women with a speaking role look like sisters). Alien battle hijinx ensue. John develops super powers that seem to have something to do with flashlights embedded in his palms. The Loriens embody all that is good and wholesome, being stunningly attractive, Caucasian, fit, with great hair and no speech impediments while the Mogodorians are all that is evil, being bald with bad teeth, tribal tattoos all over their heads, extra breathing slits on their faces, slurring speech and/or accents, and a complete disdain for Earthling (i.e. American) culture.
The stars. The Mogodorians are actually pretty cool, with a good leather trench coat look very similar to the Strangers from Dark City. I also like their attitude. One star. They also have some pretty cool guns and some big alien pets they use to more or less destroy most of the scenery. One star. The killer dog and big alien CGI was decent. One star. Um, that’s it. Three stars.
Now the black holes. The story made little to no sense. I should give a black hole for every time I found myself saying “Duh” but those would add up pretty quick. I’ll restrict myself to two. John Smith jumps in at the beginning and end with a Fourth Wall (haw! Four) breaking monologue trying to make the writers lives easier by explaining what is going on and pretty much failing at it. One black hole. The main character obviously was cast to appeal to 13 year old girls and fails to appeal to any other demographic alive or dead. One black hole. His acting and those of pretty much everyone not a Mogodorian was flat and lifeless. One black hole. Anyone killed in the movie crumbles into dust (along with their clothes and accouterments) in an obvious bid to maintain that critical PG-13 rating. One black hole. While the Mogorians had cool guns and stuff the Loriens had blue glowing knives for the most part and some kind of lame prop box that had something to do with number Fours legacy but was never examined or opened. One black hole. The special effects were amateurish at best, mostly comprised of breaking open glow sticks and rubbing the glow juice on number Four’s palms (no joke). One black hole. The explosives special effects were over the top to the point of stupid (since when does a gas stove explosion cause wooden blinds to spontaneously explode?) One black hole. The fight scenes were a terrible jumble of cut sequences that looks like they were supposed to add excitement but really just illustrated the need for a movie to hire a decent fight choreographer. One black hole. Overall, the movie was pretty dull, with no reason to even favor the Lorien cause over the Mogodorian (note to the director; just because you have shown one side to be evil in all ways does not automatically make us like their opposition. Give me a reason to care, dammit). One black hole. 100% of the speaking characters are white. One black hole for racial insensitivity. Total: twelve black holes.
A net of nine black holes. I guess it was worse than I originally thought, although if I were really trying to make a point it would be funny to have it end up with Four black holes. I guess I have too much integrity. If you have a daughter or girlfriend who loves Twilight this movie will work for you as a date or family outing, but try to see it in 3D so you can fall comfortably asleep without her noticing.
Last post I failed to do my who-would-win question, so I will revert to the post before. The question was who would win in a fight between a single Red Shirt with a phaser against Tweekie with Dr. Theopolis. Honestly, this is a tough one. Tweekie is literally combat ineffective, but Red Shirts are infinitely resourceful in their ability to find ways to die. I suspect in this case the Red Shirt would destroy Tweekie and Dr. Theopolis both before having his phaser explode or falling off a cliff to a painful death. I think this is a case where neither side would actually win.
Today let’s try some video game cross over. Who would win, Mario versus Link (no power ups for either).
Dundracon, Vegas, and Valentines Day
I’m going to rush this out as I have a ton of things to do today. I wanted to give everyone an update as to what is going on lately.
First of all, I will not be writing anything tomorrow as I will be having a miserable time in Las Vegas at the t-shirt trade show. Actually, it is a very tiny corner of a much larger clothing show. I am going to look at new t-shirts, try to wrangle some better discounts out of my vendors, and to give the guy who I am in a lawsuit with the creeps (anyone who subscribes to my commercial web site newsletter has heard that story). I used to spend more than two weeks a year in Vegas, and believe me when I say if you don’t drink a lot, gamble, or engage the services of sexual professionals it really is painfully boring. I try to keep my time there to a minimum. Consequently I will be leaving here about 5am and getting home about 11. Hence no time for blogs. (Hangover Vegas shirt courtesy of the movie t shirt category)
Actually, I wish I had the kind of luck it takes to win a gambling, but I traditionally lose money at a fairly steady rate. My curse is I am good enough at math to know that I will probably not win anything but not good enough at math to be really good at gambling. It just always struck me as kind of dumb to play games in a multi-million dollar building built entirely from the profits on gambling.
This weekend we have our first show of the year, the illustrious Dundracon in lovely San Ramon, CA. It is a gaming convention, with all the nerdish whimsy and wonder associated with that. I will have a booth set up on Saturday, Sunday, and Monday so if you are a gamer and in the Bay Area come down and say hi. If the new (super cute) girl I hired is working out well enough on Saturday (alas, Winter has moved to the bowels of Arizona) I will probably play in the Warhammer tournament on Sunday. Also, if you are kind of a peripheral nerd and haven’t really committed to the nerd lifestyle, this is a great opportunity to see what the REAL nerds are like. Just because you have a bad haircut and work as a programmer does not qualify you as a nerd (you could easily be a hipster). This convention is like drinking bottled spring water all your life and then one day traveling to the actual mountain spring for a sip of the purest water you’ve ever had in your life. If you consider your study of nerds more of a cultural anthropological experience than a convention like this is where Jane Goodall would have set up her observation post.
Finally, today is Valentine’s Day, and as a nerd who gives other nerds advice on dating it seems appropriate that I say a few words. Normally I would rant and rave about a fake holiday created by Hallmark as an opportunity to schlock greeting cards that has the added effect of making all single people feel like the lowest forms of loser life on the planet, but the bile just isn’t in me today as I actually have a wonderful girl to have dinner with tonight. Like any sellout turncoat I have jumped into V-Day with both feet and waiting on my kitchen counter right now are a dozen long stem red roses (I hope she doesn’t read this blog before I pick her up).
However, I should offer some advice to those of you who don’t have someone to go out with. Hmm. First of all, you missed your opportunity. Women were looking for guys to date for Valentine’s day about a month ago. No one wants this day to be like the third date. Also, single women will as a rule shut themselves in and bar the door to avoid the painful sight of happy couples on what is effectively the Superbowl for women. Therefore, if you had the concept of going out and trying to meet someone (on this day more accurately called “doing the buzzard”) then really, don’t waste your time.
The best thing you can do is find an anti-Valentine’s party (I have been to many) and hope to get really hammered. However, those things are like bitterness magnets, so odds are you will feel worse leaving than entering.
My advice to you would be to follow suite with the sane women out there and shut yourself in. Order a pizza (hopefully delivered by an even more pathetic and bitter single loser than you) and play video games until your eyes bleed. Trust me. Griefing people online is a remarkable balm for the gaping hole where your heart should be.
Then, first thing tomorrow morning, wake up with a new attitude, re-read all my dating advice blog posts, and jump back into the fray. I sincerely wish you all the best of luck.
TV shows I loved as a kid but that kind of suck to watch now: the Greatest American Hero
So I am not really feeling the dating advice tonight and don’t want to force it. I considered going to see a movie and writing a review of it, but there seems to be a dearth of movies worth even worth considering unless I happened to catch a bad case of Bieber Fever, the only fever known to medical science to be caused by brain damage instead of the other way around. Instead I am going to explore an interesting phenomenon in my life: TV shows I loved as a kid that when I go back and watch now are really kind of painful to watch. (Knight Rider t-shirt courtesy of the TV t shirts category)
This is a weird thing to me, as it only seems to apply to TV shows. Movies that I watched as a kid I can go back and watch again and love and appreciate all over again. A few months ago I watch Goonies again and came away with a great feeling and a desire to listen to Cyndi Lauper. Last month I saw Time Bandits and loved it. Yet somehow whenever I go back and watch an old TV show it really looks painfully bad.
I think this may actually be a criticism of modern movies rather than a simple bitch about old TV shows. The fact is I think television has evolved into a much more polished and well written product, while movies, for all the technological advancement, have not really advanced much in terms of stories and cliches. Since TV shows have to have an extended lifespan and pull in advertising dollars there is a serious motivation to have at least the basic premise functional. Also, they seem to react better to current trends in pop culture. Movies only have to survive long enough to make it to international distribution, so it doesn’t really matter how much they suck (cough cough Season of the Witch cough cough). Therefore, the motivation to evolve just isn’t there (thank you Darwin).
Anyway, this concept was driven home about two years ago. As a kid growing up in the sucktastic 80’s I ran into this show, the Greatest American Hero. It was about a high school teacher named Ralph Hinkley who is given a suit by aliens that gives him super powers. The problem is he manages to lose the instruction manual (and really, which of us hasn’t done this) and has to figure it out through painful trail and error. He is supposed to help humans with it. The suit makes him bulletproof (sort of. He is never sure if it covers his entire body or just the part covered by the suit, so there are many humorous scenes where someone is shooting at him and he is covering his face with his arms like a girl getting spit wads shot at her), can fly, gives him super strength, and all sort of other powers that crop up as he screws around with the suit, kind of like having you car clock wrong six months every year until you figure out the RPS button will allow you to change the clock (not that I am speaking from personal experience, but really, I am).
He is teamed up with an FBI agent named Bill Maxwell (played by the great Robert Culp) and his super hot lawyer girlfriend Pam Davidson. On paper this sounds brilliant. Super hero? Super powers? FBI agent? Aliens? Hot lawyer girlfriend? Sounds like a recipe for the greatest American tv show.
So I loved it as a kid and two years ago was looking around Best Buy and saw a beautiful tin box collectors set that had all episodes, tons of extra features, and a heat transfer logo to make your own costume for the unlikely price of like $29.99. I bought it and hustled home to throw it on my TV.
That’s where the disappointment set it. The opening scene, which was Bill Maxwell’s friend being gunned down by terrorists that I remembered as really cool, was horrible done. All the dialogue sucked. The story sucked. The hair was all that really bad super trendy big 80’s hair that turns my stomach. I’m not going to be one of those tools who bitches about special effects done 30 years ago, but I can watch the original Star Wars from 1977 and still see some decent and believable special effects, so from that perspective the special effects sucked. Pam Davidson, who I remember as being really hot in the show, now looks like a middle aged housewife (with really big hair) when seen through my adult eyes. Everyone was wearing bad 80’s clothing. I can’t put my finger on it, but there was something in either the editing or camera work that is really jarring and disjointed. Overall very disappointing.
I put the boxed set back on my shelf after three lousy episodes. I guess this should be counted as a lesson learned, but I am reasonably sure that if I were to come across the same boxed set deal for Airwolf, Rip Tide, Magnum PI, the A Team, Knight Rider, Mork and Mindy, the Dukes of Hazard, TJ Hooker, Max Headroom, WKRP in Cincinnati, Miami Vice, Buck Rogers in the 25th Century, Married with Children, Night Court, Murphy Brown, Baywatch, or MacGuyver I would probably buy it with similar results. Oh, well. At least it would give me something to blog about.
Anyway, enough of this. Next post will be more interpreting online dating images. As for yesterday’s who-would-win question, Batman versus Darth Vader, the obvious answer is Vader as he could probably just force choke Batman to death. However, I have a lot of faith in Batman’s ability to overcome amazing odds. I believe given enough time to plan and prepare he would find a way to overcome the Dark Sith Lord, especially know that I know what an emo wienie he is under all that armor.
For today, I ask another mismatch that I think could go a different way if you think about it. Who would win, a single Star Trek Red Shirt armed with phaser against Tweekie with Dr. Theopolis?
Nerd Dating: Online Dating pt 13: interpreting photos
They say a picture is worth 1000 words, but if you are clever, it can actually be worth 1001-1010 as you glean little insights into the personality, sense of humor, fitness, motivations, and general suitableness of your prospective procreation partner.
Picture with a cat (or cats). If this is a guy, either he thinks this is really clever and funny or is something that rhymes with “Tin the Bloset”. If the first he could be a great guy to date, but you will never ever know for sure which of the two he really is. If this is a girl first of all go back and reread my “More than two cats” rule for dating women. If she is shown with only one or two cats then you can explore further, but know that she has probably made her cats her substitute children in a way that will absolutely drive you nuts at some point.
Picture from high school. Unless this person is actually 18 years old, steer clear. Either they have hit the wall so hard that they have broken through (with their face) into new, unexplored territories of ugliness and this is the last time they took a good photo, or they were one of those super popular kids in high school who now feels a desperate desire to go back in time to when they were cool again. If they only included the high school pic in addition to some more recent ones then it is probably is the latter case, but even then you will soon become thoroughly sick of stories that all start with “This one time in high school…” Take it from me (the bitter troll that I am), if you took the total sum of all your accomplishments, parties, and popularity you had in high school it has the value of a wad of used chewing gum at the bottom of an empty grande latte cup from Starbucks the day after you graduate. Move on.
Girl in group shot with other girls cheek to cheek. This inevitably means sorority girl (or the junior college or GED equivalent). It also generally means she likes to party and wont have a real problem sleeping with you. If she does love to party go back and look at the guideline I did for “Love to Party.” Otherwise, as long as you aren’t a hard core GDI you should be able to date her and have fun, although I would not be surprised if she turned out to be a little shallow.
Guy in group shot doing the “hang loose” symbol with one hand, beer in the other, and his tongue out trying to touch his chin. Frat boy. I don’t know why it is, but every frat boy I have even known has a biological imperative to turn profile, do the hang loose (thumb and pinky extended to the max), and stick out his tongue whenever they are in a group and someone points a camera at them. They all have hundreds of these photos and love to post them on profiles in an attempt to show you what kind of a fun party guy they are. If fun for you is watching him get hammered every night at the sports bar down the street with his Greek friends, than by all means go for it. Also, most of these guys have a hat on backwards. Not sure I understand the motivation there.
Girl in group shot where she is the hottest one. This girl is kind of a user and also has some self esteem issues. She will most likely only be friends with women she thinks are less attractive. All things are relative, but usually they are pretty hot and extremely well groomed. They also tend to be pretty shallow and a little overbearing. Odds are she is looking for a guy to hold her purse while she shops, so if you feel like you have an overabundance of machismo go for it.
Girl in group shot where she is obviously NOT the hottest one. This can be two different kinds of women. Either she is a fairly cool girl who is OK with her appearance or she is a walking, talking doormat. The first one can be very cool to date as they are interesting and opinionated. However, they also tend to do stuff like get sick of washing their hair and cut it all off with clippers. The second girl as been thrown on so many grenades by her girlfriends that she will probably be remarkably easy to date. However, you will constantly be attracted to her friends and there is a reasonably good chance one of them might fool around with you just to reassert who the Alpha female is in her circle of friends is, so dating her can lead to some serious drama in spite of the fact that she herself is low drama. Both of these girls are pretty low maintenance, in my experience.
Guy in a football uniform. This is always a high school shot (guys who played football in college generally don’t have to go online to date) so all the things I said above about high school photos apply. However, this is a special case. This guy desperately wants the world to remember that at one point he was an athlete. However, they inevitably have gained about 50 pounds since then and the closest they have come to participating in sports in trying to sink wadded up paper in a trash bin. If he were still in shape he would have a current shot of himself playing volleyball or something.
Girl in a cheerleader uniform. This is the female version of the guy in a football uniform, with the added need to show you that at one point in her life she was hot enough to be a cheerleader. The one difference is once in a while you can get a woman that shows herself as a college cheerleader too. Everything I said about the football guy applies here, plus she is probably much higher maintenance to date than most women.
That’s it for today. More on this tomorrow. 
Yesterday’s question, second fiddle Riker verses the extremely lovable Chief Engineer Montgomary Scott, has caused me a lot of angst. I really, really want to say Scotty would kick Rikers ass, being a real man and all, but I can’t help but think that Riker is taller with greater reach and seems better trained. However, Scotty worked in an environment where violence was more common (he did throw the first punch in the Trouble with Tribbles) and probably has a lot more actual fighting experience, so I am going to make myself happy and go with him. The problem is I don’t believe it enough to put money on it. It would be a close one. (Riker image courtesy of the Star Trek t shirts category).
For today I present something that seems really obvious until you think about the kinds of fights he has overcome with his brain: who would win, Batman versus Darth Vader? Think about it for a while before answering.
By the way, if you like my writing and are looking for someone to write blog articles or other online content I am willing to do some contract work. Check out some of my product descriptions on the commercial site. Email me at [email protected].
Nerd Dating: Online Dating pt 12: interpreting photos
Before I get into this blog, I would like to mention that last night I went to movie night at my friend’s house and we saw Machete. I won’t bother to do a review, as it is both kind of old and amazing and doesn’t really need my input. I will say, however, if you haven’t seen it do so as soon as possible and if you have and don’t like it than you must be some kind of soulless abomination.
Anyway, more dating advice. By the way, a reader named Rachel commented on my last one on understanding posted careers and mentioned that incomes on personal listing are almost universally inflated by 30% for both men and women. I guess everyone is a liar.
Let’s talk about photos. Here’s the deal. Everyone on this planet, no matter how repulsive or disfigured, owns at least one photo wherein the light was perfect, the camera angle dead on, the clothing and makeup to the maximum benefit, and the planets in the correct alignment to give them a really good looking photo. Never, as a rule, trust a post that only has a single image. Assuming it’s even the person’s actual photo, there is something remarkably suspicious about a single photo.
That being said, let’s look into the subtle (and less-than-subtle) clues that can be gleaned from the types of images used by posters.
Blurred image. In this day and age, we really have simplified photographic technology to the point where any idiot can shoot a clear shot. Therefore, if someone posts a blurry image he or she is doing it for a very specific reason. Usually this is not a weight issue, as the image has to be Hubble-blurry in order to hide someone’s gross obesity, but it could easily be a bad skin condition, wandering eye, missing teeth, missing ear, baldness, or any number of appearance issues real or imagined. I’d say stay away from this one, as in my experience people who think they should hide their disfigurements rarely have the personality required to overcome them. The ones who have that personality generally don’t hide it.
Head only. Massive body insecurities, most likely for a good reason. This typically translates into kind of or really fat, but sometimes just some major self esteem issues.
Head Shot. This is where he or she went to a professional studio (often in a mall) and paid for head shots. This breaks down into two kinds of people. The first is a wannabe actor or actress and is probably reasonably hot, but a massive pain in the ass to date. They have an overinflated sense of themselves coupled with frustration at having to hang with the unwashed masses, including you. The second type is someone who is actually pretty unattractive but thinks they are stunningly hot. They are also a major pain in the ass to deal with, especially if you ever make the mistake of introducing him or her to your friends. As a matter of fact, just stay away from head shots.
Prom picture with date cut out. This is probably the only photo this person has where he or she is well dressed and groomed. Also, they kind of still wish they were in high school. I tend to find a lot of younger single moms post this one, so odds are reasonably good the baby daddy is in the missing part.
Picture that is obviously a couple with the other person cut out. This is really more of a girl thing than a guy thing. The thing is, some kinds of women are really only happy when they are with their significant other, and therefore only really look good while with that person (or think they do) and therefore use old couple photos to show it. This girl typically defines her existence around her relationship but then two years later feels bitter and angry because she doesn’t have a life outside of it. She will most likely feel vaguely unhappy at all times. Also, if you develop a relationship with her she will probably climb up your ass and set up base camp.
Picture with a dog (or dogs). For guys, this is either OK or kind of fake. It’s OK if he has a dog he loves and hangs out with all the time. He will probably be a decent guy to date and have a really good job. It’s fake if he managed to get a picture with a random dog in the (more or less true) belief that being shown with a dog will make him more appealing to women. Odds are he only wants to get laid and will lie extensively to do so. 99.99% of guys with dog shots will be with a big dog, like a German Sheppard or Chocolate Lab. If you run into the .01% that shows a poodle or Dachshund make sure you are in the men-seeking-women section. (Wiener dog image courtesy of the funny t shirt category).
For women it also breaks down into two categories, but it is pretty simple: big dog or purse dog. If she is seen with one or two big dogs she is probably very independent and harbors a secret hatred of men (I know, I am being kind of a jerk here. This is just my experience). She will never admit it but suffers from some pretty serious self esteem issues and doubts her self worth (again, these are generalizations. I am sure there are many, many exceptions out there and I am some kind of idiot). On the other hand, if you can play through these issues she will probably make a great girlfriend and wife in the “we-are-partners” sort of way. She also probably has a kick ass job so if you are looking to be a stay at home dad roll with it. If, however, she is shown holding a dog that would probably lose in a fight against a hamster, especially if she is holding it’s face against hers in a super annoying closeup with a scrunchy full face smile, than I would bet a lot of money that she is EXTREMELY high maintenance. You had better be able to cater to all her emotional, financial, and physical needs (and trust me, the list will be extensive).
That’s it for now. More tomorrow as long as I don’t get crucified by some of my big dog owning women friends later on tonight (and yet, that would kind of prove my point). As for my who-would-win question, Slimer from Ghostbusters verses Casper the Friendly Ghost, I think I am going to have to go with Slimer. Sorry, Casper, but being friendly doesn’t get you much in a fight to the death (or whatever it is you do when you are already dead).
For today, more Star Trek. Who would win: ego inflated hair pile Riker versus drunken Chief Engineer Scott?
Movie review: Twilight Eclipse
OK, I admit this is not the first movie I would have chosen to see. Also, I know that this movie came out months ago, but here’s the deal. The girl I am currently seeing more or less strong armed me into watching this opus, and given that I have picked pretty much everything else we have seen together I owed her one.
To be fair, this is a movie series I should at least be familiar with. It has vampires and werewolves, two areas that until this series more or less was hijacked by the teeniebopper sub (sub) culture was exclusively goth nerd fare. It is a pop culture phenomenon and if I want to keep my title as self proclaimed aficionado I need to at least watch one of them. She originally planned to show me the first Twilight, but picked it up from a Red Box and accidentally got Eclipse. I had nothing to do with it as I told her I would passively watch it while making snarky comments but would not personally contribute to that franchises cash flow.
First of all, it wasn’t completely painful. I liken it more to an extended teeth cleaning by an overly enthusiastic dental technician as than the full on root canal by a marginally trained orangutan that I expected. We’ll have to see how the stars (star?) and black holes play out, but it wasn’t as bad as I expected. My friend said that the first Twilight was far worse and therefore funnier, but such as it is, this thing wasn’t actually physically painful.
First, the plot. Bella (Kristen Stewart), the sort-of hot but painfully bland (both in looks, personality, and acting) is about to graduate from high school and as a graduation gift wants Edward (Robert Pattinson), her vampire boyfriend, to turn her into one one of the living dead. Edward, who somehow manages to maintain a facial expression that makes him look like he is dealing with a painful bowel obstruction for the entirety of the movie no matter what he is doing, wants her to “live” a little in spite of the fact that she is still a virgin (a fact painfully and forcefully delivered in the most awkward father/daughter scene ever filmed) and seems dead on the inside. He lives with a bunch of other vampires in some kind of club or something where they all feel the need to bleach their hair blond while maintaining massive caterpillar-like black eyebrows. He and his buddies apparently don’t drink human blood (?), and the way you can tell is their eyes are yellow, while human blood drinkers eyes are red. Apparently human blood comes with red colored contact lenses. Meanwhile, Jacob, one of several hundred muscular, shirtless teenage boys who are some kind of werewolves (or maybe Native American shapeshifters. The story seems a little vague on this) that all have matching bad fake tattoos that look they were drawn on with a Sharpie is somehow her other love interest. From what I hear, Edward dumped Bella at some point and left her in the woods. Jacob came through as a true friend and bailed her out. Then, when Edward resurfaced later she gave him a classic “let’s be friend’s speech” and jumped back on board with Count Eyebrows.
For a really weak script and two dimensional story, this recount already makes it seem terribly complicated. Anyway, Bella manages to prove herself the cruelest bitch I have ever seen by dragging both Edward and Jacobs hearts through the mud. Some other red headed vampire chick shows up who hates Edward and Bella. Vampire and werewolf battle hijinx ensue. Werewolves team up with good vampires to fight bad vampires, who are for the most part innocent kids pulled into the evil vampires plot and generally slaughtered. There are a couple scenes where the father of one of the kids shows up looking for the son that is destined to get butchered by Edward later on in the movie. Somehow, in spite of the other vampires being stronger than the good ones not a single good vampire or werewolf manages to get killed. In fact, the worst injury appears to be a bad bruise. The movie ends with final resolution of any given episode of a soap opera.
OK, the stars. The werewolves were pretty cool, in spite of mediocre CGI. One star. There were a couple origin story flashback that were kind of cool and broke up the brain damaged Bella/Edward/Jacob love triangle story. One star. The fight choreography was decent. One star. Hmm. Honestly, that’s all I can think of. Three stars total.
Now the black holes. The story. One black hole. The acting. Two black holes. I should give it one black hole for each time they managed to find an excuse to show Jacob or his many buddies without a shirt on, but will hold myself to one black hole. The werewolves have apparently bioengineered a strain of tree in the Pacific Northwest that grows cargo shorts that dissolve into thin air every time they transform. One black hole. Bella is possibly the most ineffective female lead I have ever seen in any movie ever. She is entirely helpless and her only single act during the entirety of the movie is to cut her own arm to distract a vampire with her blood (did I mention that Bella apparently has the blood equivalent of Captain Crunch to vampires?). She does more to damage woman’s advocacy and rights than the guy who invented the chastity belt. Two black holes. One black hole for each of the guys in the movie who lets her treat them like crap and totally disregard and disrespect their feelings and never calls her to account for it, so two black holes for both the sackless Edward and Jacob. The fight scenes were shockingly hard to follow as the wardrobe director decided the thing both good and bad vampires needed to wear was black hoodies. One black hole. Vampires sparkling in daylight instead of burning up. One black hole. A movie about vampires that features less actual blood shown than a typical episode of the Bachelor (did I also mention that vampires, when injured, actually have no blood and shatter like quartz? No joke. Tear off a vampires head and he looks like you just dropped a ceramic vampire cookie jar). Two black holes. Holes in the plot that strained my suspension of disbelief like a size 2 girdle on a 400 pound man (at one point the evil vampire army goes on a killing spree through Seattle that somehow doesn’t result in 100,000 FBI agents showing up. Things like this). One black hole. The wolves, while huge and cool, were completely crap CGI. One black hole. Total: 15 black holes.
So with that we get a total of 12 black holes. A miserable score, but I don’t really feel like my time was TOTALLY wasted. There is something that makes you want to watch it (kind of like slowing down to see a traffic accident). I would probably been more generous if I were in high school and a girl. I could understand seeing this to appease a girl you are dating and, since that is how I saw it, I still feel somewhat manly. I also made her watch a few episodes of Firefly afterward in order to recapture some machismo.
For the who would win, aquatic wimp Aquaman versus moronic macho man Beef Supreme from Idiocracy, I think as long as it was done on dry land I would have to go with the Beefer. Monster truck + flamethrower = win. In water obviously Aquaman would have the advantage. (Brawndo image courtesy of the funny t shirts category)
For today I ask a simple question: who would win, Slimer from Ghostbusters versus Casper the Friendly Ghost. Bye for now.
Nerd Dating: Online Dating pt 11: understanding poster’s careers
This is the last I am doing on this sub-category. I think I will try to get a movie review or something else tomorrow to break up the flow.
Guidance Councilor. Sorry, but if a chance to bag on these guys comes along, I can’t let it go by. I remember fondly taking an aptitude test from provided by the school councilor and being told I was best suited to be a farmer. Sorry, I don’t do dirt if I can avoid it. Also I am to much into instant gratification to wait a whole season for payment. Anyway, these people are like high school teachers in that they deal with smart assed teenagers on a daily basis. The difference is they have a lot less power than teachers over the kids in that they can’t actually fail them in anything. This tends to make them either total dicks or floor mats. Also every time some kid asks “If you know so much about career choices why are you a guidance councilor?” they want to kill themselves. I’d say spare yourself the pain.
Contractor. This is a job description guys who are construction workers use in order to convince you they are more than nail pushers. It is usually followed up by “Well, I’m working for another contractor friend of mine, but I have my own contractors license.” They always drive a freaking huge crew cab pickup truck (most often red). If you are into beer drinking, football watching, wife abusing hijinx than by all means date him. There are no straight female contractors. Incidentally, if you should happen to date one and then find out he is a roofer, run away as fast as you can. All roofers are insane. It must be the tar fumes and hot sun all day. Now that I have said that I had better hope I never have to rebuild something. Good thing I rent.
Blue collar worker. This can be almost anything, be it sanitation engineer, factory worker, bus driver, etc. For the most part good guys, in a boring salt of the earth sort of way. Usually they are grateful to even have someone attractive into them. Generally not the most stimulating intellectually, although occasionally you meet one who is a total conspiracy nut whacko, and they are endlessly entertaining.
Performer. This is kind of a broad descriptive for anyone who makes money (or claims to) by entertaining people. It could be a comedian, a street guitar performer, a childrens birthday clown, a chainsaw juggler, smoke bubble blower, or a blog writer. With a few exceptions the best way to describe these people is kind of pathetic. They typically make just enough money to survive but not enough to get ahead. They feel frustration at not be acknowledged as one of the worlds foremost one man band performers, and need a girl or boyfriend to come to all their lame shows in the 3rd Street Promenade or where ever and collect the spare change from the jug you just passed around. The decent ones have a day job at Kinkos or something. The bad ones live on their takings. (By the way, if you should happen to find yourself dating a mime, do me and the whole world a favor by stapling a note that says “Learn the words you creepy bastard” to his or her forehead and pushing them off a cliff so they can work on their silent flying man act. I sincerely doubt any sane jury would convict).
Band member. Ah, the Crown Jewel of Losers. These guys (usually. Some girls but I find them to be a little more real) dream of a rock-n-roll lifestyle while performing for the same 9 people as the 7:30pm opening act at the local scum pit. If you want to spend every Friday and Saturday night listening to the same eight badly written, badly engineered, and badly performed “songs” in a bar that smells of stale beer and urine than by all means date him. Just know that if he and his band catches even the slightest whiff of success he will drop you like a live grenade in order to sleep with as many groupies as humanly possible. Even crappy garage bands somehow manage to attract any number of (really) dumb girls willing to jump in the sack with them, so you can expect to be cheated on pretty regularly. As for female band member, I actually went out with one and found myself spending a lot of time assuaging her massive self esteem issues and scraping her off the barroom floor about once a week. However, as far as I know she didn’t cheat on me. These guys inevitably have “day jobs” that somehow turn into “day careers”. Do the human race a favor and don’t give them the opportunity to procreate.
That’s it for today, and pretty much it for the job thing. Tomorrow I will break away from dating for a post or two but when we come back to it I will get into understanding pictures people post, or the “You can judge a book by it’s cover” article.
Yesterday’s question, Lincoln versus Reagan, is quite the puzzler. Lincoln was taller, and actually fought a major war. Reagan was more athletic, and invaded Grenada. Technically he did win the Cold War, but that says nothing about his martial prowess. I think that I will have to bet on Lincoln, unless the rumors of Reagan being the anti-Christ (Ronald Wilson Reagan, 6-6-6) are true, in which case I think he would prevail. (Lincoln image courtesy of the funny political t shirt category)
For today I propose a battle between a great (if stupid human) warrior versus an lame superhero: who would win in a fight between Aquaman and Beef Supreme (from Idiocracy)
Nerd Dating: Online Dating pt 10: understanding poster’s careers
Sorry I didn’t get anything posted over the weekend, but I had something to do that was WAY more important (and fun) than sniping at jobs listed on online dating posts, and I’m not talking about the Superbowl. However, I will make sure to get something done every day this week, although I might have something to do next weekend as well.
Anyway, I’m getting into more specific jobs, mostly based on what I think I can make the most funny and insightful comments about. Still, I think this could all be pretty useful.
Pharmaceutical Representative. In the world of manufactures sales reps being a pharm rep is the Holy Grail. Great money, low geographic area, and easy to sell products. I have long dreamed of dating a pharm rep, for any number of reasons. First of all, pharmaceutical companies as a matter of course only hire super hot women to do it. Something about trying to convince male doctors to prescribe their drugs. So even if you don’t see a phote, you can know they are probably pretty good looking. On the other hand, they are super busy and honestly are probably shopping for a doctor, so go easy.
Massage therapist. These women fall into three camps. The most first is trained, true massage therapists. They tend to be into Eastern culture and are probably do something like Shiatsu. They take lots of classes and have a ton of certifications which in their mind is the equivalent of a college degree, in spite of the fact that it really isn’t. They tend to be super fit, kind of skinny, vegetarian, and into stuff like meditation. However, if you ever hope to see her naked you can never get her to massage you. These women are so paranoid about being unprofessional that as soon as they dig into your doughy musculature you will forever be considered a client. The second type is less trained, tends to be a lot more hippy dippy, cute in an slightly out of shape granola way, and more willing to give you a massage after sex. She tends to be more happy and into the fun of it, but is flat broke. The third is pretty much a hooker. Usually from another country (Korean, most often from what I have heard) and willing to have sex for money. I don’t know why they would be online, but if they are I would highly recommend not having anything to do with them. It is a mess you don’t want to deal with. If this person is a guy it will either be a super hot, muscular dude or a big, overweight, not terrible attractive guy. If the first, I can almost guarantee he is looking for a sugar mama. If not he is probably pretty sleezy. If the second he is likely to be a decent guy, who actually will be able to give you a killer back rub. See past the bulk if you can.
Stripper. Often listed as erotic or exotic dancer, most likely this woman is actually just fishing for guys to go to her pay website. A women who dances for money who is sincere about meeting someone for a relationship will make up a fake job (which is a whole different kind of problem). Odds are at some point I will do an entire post on dating (or trying to date) strippers, but for now believe me when I say dating a stripper is like being stuck in the accretion disk of a black hole. If the stripper is male and not gay then he is 100% a sleezeball. Basically he is not meeting enough women through his job (where is is surrounded by dozens of women stuffing money into his jock) and wants more sex. On the other hand he is probably pretty good at sex, so if you are looking for a good time and/or a social disease, then go for it. Just know going in he will cheat on you if you attempt a relationship and lie about it constantly.
Waiter/Waitress. Or server, if you want to be PC. Very similar in many ways to a retail worker, in that they can be very fun to date when they are young and absolute hell when they get older. The main difference is if you date one he or she will totally critique your food habits, table manners, the servers professionalism, and how much you tip. Also, if you want to lose any desire to eat at a restaurant ever again have him or her tell you stories of health code violations that they see pretty much every day. Also, they can cause you to eat less by telling you about all the fat bastards who do 10,000 calorie meals every night.
Wactor/Wactresses. This is a waiter/actor or waitress/actress. I have no experience with actual actors or actresses (I actually assume if you are good enough looking to be an actor you don’t need to go online to meet someone) but living in LA I used to meet wactors and wactresses pretty much every day. They usually studied drama in college, work as a server to pay their bills, and fight mounting desperation as each day passes without being discovered. They generally tend to date each other like cockroaches living on each others filth, but once in a while will branch out. However, be prepared to go to a lot of horrible plays and spend a tone of time reassuring them that they are still attractive and can act. If they didn’t actually study acting then there is a pretty good chance they will eventually get into stripping or porn. Kind of fun to date on the front end and generally easy on the eyes, these folks usually turn into a headache of astronomical proportions.
That’s enough for now. I think I will do one more post on this and then move on to interpreting online photos.
For our question last post, a ninja versus a football team’s worth of zombies, I think the Ninja would win as long as he figured out early enough to cut their heads off. If he tried anything else he would probably end up as zombie chow. (Ninja image from the cheap t shirts category)
For today let’s get political. Who would win, Abraham Lincoln versus a young Ronald Wilson Reagan?
Nerd Dating: Online Dating pt 9: understanding poster’s careers
More careers. I think there is something going on here where I feel good about myself by making fun of all the boring and/or better jobs out there than I have. More fodder for my future therapist, I guess. Of course, I really love my job, but it would be nice to make the kind of money all the overpaid morons out there are making. I’m going to get into some more esoteric things today, as well as some weird sub categories.
Day Trader. This person really wants you to think he is like a successful stockbroker, but the truth is much uglier. It is (usually) a guy who is unemployed but had $6-10,000 in the bank when he was laid off or fired. He spends all day in front of his computer losing about $100 a day on average basically playing Farmville online with real money. All they are really doing is giving the brokerages money for each transaction. The bad part is they always have some story about how they were up $1.8 million at one point, but somehow are mysteriously back down to $7254 again. The good part is if you are not sucked in when you see that they live in their parents basement you should (<–hopefully) be able to tell what kind of loser they really are.
Life coach. I don’t know if you see these in other parts of the country, but somehow I seem to run into one of these every six months or so. These are motivational speakers and people who tell other losers how to get their life in order. I always picture them sitting with their client and saying something like “OK, try breathing.” I haven’t dated any, as I have a hard time taking them seriously, but they are a bit of a conundrum to me. I can’t figure out how they actually make money, but somehow they always have enough for a nice dinner out and a decent car, but never enough for a house. They tend to be pretty positive, so if you want someone who can make you feel better about yourself both by giving you positive affirmations and by being slightly more pathetic than you or any of your friends, go for it. On the other hand, it seems their constant advice giving would wear on you after a while.
Midwife. This is a weird sub category of the medical field. These women (if you meet a male midwife call the police) are either failed nurses or uber New Age chicks who think giving birth in agony with no drugs in a bathtub is good for the kid. They are rarely seen in public outside of the local organic food collective (aka Trader Joes) or Lillith Fair, so online dating is often a resource they fall on to. They are usually about as hippy dippy as you can get, don’t drink but are very cool with pot, and if they don’t have kids themselves are painfully bitter about it and driven to have one before they have to resort to actual medical science to be able to procreate. Also, they are chock full of advice for any parents around them, so if you happen to be a single parent you can expect an extra special level of hell.
Business Annalist. This is the male Republican version of the midwife (I am sure there are female business annalists out there, but have yet to meet one). Their job is to coach companies into giving birth to younger, better versions of themselves that now need to be diapered every day. They tend to be extremely opinionated about pretty much everything, and feel no one likes them because they spend all day telling people they suck at their jobs. There are two types, really. The first is the guy who uses words like “synergy” all the time and tries to make the company use new technology and processes to be more efficient. He is kind of a bastard. The second is the guy who uses words like “cost/benefit analysis” and “headcount” and basically is brought in to fire as many people as possible without causing the company to collapse under the weight of unoccupied cubicles. He tends to be a complete and utter bastard. Either way they can be tough to date and are also subject to feast-or-famine personal finances as a reflection of whether they currently have a contract or not.
Receptionist. Sorry, the PC terms are Executive Assistant or Administrative Assistant. However, as the title evolves the job and personality does not. These people typically are 
surrounded by dozens of people with way more money and power than they have and are usually pretty bitter about it. Males in this job can really only do it for a few years before either finding something better or killing themselves. They tend to be a little ego bruised and skittish, like an abused chiwawa. Women can do it for the entirety of their lives. If young they tend to be pretty hot and are (generally) hoping to marry someone with serious coin, so if you are not rolling in dough don’t waste your time. The real problem with this girl for nerds is it is terribly easy to fall into the trap of hanging out at her desk all day “flirting” with her. This will either get you into trouble at work with your supervisor or turn into you being her slave as she has you replace the water cooler bottle, get her coffee, and run stuff down to the mail room. If they are middle aged or older they tend to be bitter but shockingly efficient. They often revel in the minor power that comes with being the gatekeeper to the boss, and the reception area is their kingdom. As for dating them, if they are young and you qualify financially they tend to be a lot of fun and often have very pleasant voices. If not then they can be OK to date, but you can expect her boss to be her real boyfriend and you will hear a lot of stories about how everyone else in the company is an idiot.
That’s it for today. More of the same tomorrow. I have some really good ones lined up.
As for yesterdays question, Steampunk Abe Lincoln versus Steampunk Palin, there is no question in my mind that Lincoln would prevail. Not only does he have a built in mini gun but he actually had a brain. He successfully ran for President. He would also attack her with the North. (Steampunk Abe image courtesy of the political t shirts category)
The next question seems obvious until you think about it for a while; who would win in a fight between a ninja and a football team worth of zombies?
