Nerd Dating: Online Dating pt 20: Getting the number on the first meeting
Sorry again about not blogging a lot this week, but the fact is twice a year I get a ton of new shirts and this is the week they have arrived. I spent the last two days working on 11 new shirts. 
My favorite of the new one has to be this Zoolander shirt. It’s the logo from the Derek Zoolander Center for Children Who Can’t Read Good and Want to Learn to do Other Stuff Good Too shirt. Hilarious (image courtesy of the funny t shirts category)
I’m going to make this one brief, as I have to write a newsletter as soon as I get this done. Basically this is the last of my online dating posts for a while, since after the first horribly awkward meeting the potential relationship usually devolves into a normal dating situation. The one last thing that is significantly different from “normally” meeting the girl is that, unlike meeting someone at a club or political rally, there is a pretty good chance at the end of the date you still don’t have her number. You could simply head home and email her, asking for her number, but personally I don’t like to rely on that. Remember what I said months ago: most women are looking for an excuse to drop you like a bad habit, and being a wimp on the phone number is the perfect rip cord for most of them. Also, remember it is super easy to ignore an email, and her having written evidence of you having to beg her for her number will come back later and bite you on the ass.
You can actually get a pretty good read for your odds of getting her number by how long she sits with you at that first meeting. It breaks down like this:
10 minutes or less-uh oh.
11-30 minutes-not really likely to happen. Odds are she was trying to be open minded and give you a chance, and you blew it. This range can often times result in you getting a fake number, usually to one of those rejection lines but sometimes to something funny like a bowling alley or adult book store.
31-60 minutes-really about 50/50 here. You didn’t offend her visually or verbally, and she has probably put you into the “maybe” category. However, know that you are dating on thin ice here and are one major misstep from a complete dating meltdown. Tread softly, my freind.
61-120 minutes-really good. Probably about 80% here. She had a good time hanging out with you and would most likely be willing to see you again (either that or she has been treating listening to you talk like slowing down on the freeway to look at a traffic accident). You likely have a little more leeway in the making mistakes area, although honestly that varies quite a bit and can still mean one.
121-240 minutes-excellent. Hopefully you took her to dinner and the two of you had a great time. Also hopefully you didn’t tell her your life story or bore her all night with stories about your blog or commercial website. You would have to screw up pretty badly in the last 10 minutes to fail here.
241+ minutes-believe it or not, eventually you reach the point of diminished returns and your odds start to drop. If she feels like she already knows you or has spent a lot of time with you she may well lose interest. If the meeting goes four hours it will feel like a date. If it goes more than that it will probably feel like an all day meeting. Try to cut out after three to four hours. Make it look like you have some kind of life to get back to.
Anyway, it’s time to ask for her number. How best to do this? I find this is one of those unusual situations wherein being straight up and honest works best. Just look her in the eye and say something like “This is great. We should definitely hang out again.” If she replies positively whip out your cell phone and say “What is your number?” It would be polite of you to dial immediately so she has yours and knows you are not some kind of nut with caller ID blocked or something. At that point shake her hand and go home to plan something great for your first date.
Gotta run. Still not sure what do do next for dating. The girl I am seeing turned me on to some new music today so maybe I’ll review the one band she gave me a burned CD of. I’ll figure it out tomorrow. Any dating questions or subject suggestions would be seriously considered.
Nerd Dating: Online Dating pt 19: Setting up the first meeting
OK, assuming you haven’t frightened her off (or been frightened off by her. Believe me, creepy is a two way street) and you have exchanged between 3-12 emails (12 is a lot. I would normally try to go after the 4th or 5th) it is time to set up your first meeting. How to do it and where to go?
Honestly, email sucks as a way to get to know each other so after you have more or less exhausted the standard “where did you grow up” and “what did you study from college” questions it’s time to get face to face. I find it best to just blurt out the question, usually at the end of answering her questions from the last email. Something like this usually works pretty good:
“…and then animal control showed up and collected all the bodies. You can see why that was the happiest day of my life.
Say, how would you like to meet up and get some coffee? I know a place not far from the area you (claim to) live in that serves the best (insert coffee drink of your choice). Are you free on (weekday) at (sometime while the sun is still up)? You can always call me at 555-1234.
If you haven’t given her your number yet, you should. Most women will probably want to talk to you at least once to make sure you don’t use a voice disguiser or something. When she calls keep the conversation to a minimum, focused specifically on when and where you are going to meet. Don’t get sucked into a long conversation on the phone, as odds are your conversation skills will lag and give her a reason to never talk to you again.
For the place, pick a coffee house or cafe that is in a public place and serves coffee and other drinks without the obligation to buy a meal. Think Starbucks. Don’t go to a restaurant as that implies and more or less obligates the two of you to eating a meal. Also if you sit down at a formal restaurant and just order a drink you will look cheap. If the first meeting goes well you might suggest a meal of food at a nearby restaurant.
Try to show up earlier and be waiting for her. This gives her the chance to scope you out and bail out without talking to her, but honestly you are better off getting that then suffering through an hour of stilted conversation before getting the boot. Wear something distinctive and tell her ahead of time what it is (“I’ll be wearing the Mickey Mouse ears”).
By the way, remember what I said about pictures online always being better than reality, so be prepared to be at least slightly disappointed. Also work on not showing your disappointment on your face. All the old rules I listed regarding clothing, grooming, and behavior are doubly important, so if you are a recent reader of my blog go back a few months and review the rules regarding bathing (every day), clothes (wear them), and other odds and ends (deodorant is not your enemy).
I’m coming up on the end of the this line on online dating advice. I think I have one more in me. Not sure where I am going after that, but I will find something interesting. If you have any suggestions or dating questions hit me up: [email protected].
Yesterday’s question, Onyxia from WOW versus Godzilla, seems like a close match. They both breath fire, have a tail attack, bite, and claw. They also have more or less fireproof scales. I am going to go with Godzilla just because I have seen Onyxia killed dozens of times and Godzilla never. In fact I believe Godzilla would stomp a 40 or 25 man raid flat in about 30 seconds (Raiding shirt courtesy of the WOW t shirts category).
For today I’m going to go to a classic: who would win, Superman versus the Hulk?
Movie Review: Battle: Los Angeles
So last night was Tuesday, which all you regular readers should know by now means $5 movie night at Regal Jack London Square. As an added bonus, the girl I am seeing was hanging around and is kind of into sci fi movies, so the question of what to do with the eventing was easily solved.
I have been looking forward to this movie for a while. I love alien invasion movies, and it is always kind of nice seeing movies wherein humans are not really the masters of the universe, if you know what I mean. It’s not the greatest alien invasion movie of all time, but it is definitely entertaining.
The story. Burned out Marine Corps veteran Staff Sergeant Nantz (Aaron Eckhart, also known as Two Face in the last Batman movie) got some guys killed in some vaguely defined manner in Afghanistan and plans to muster out. Meteors appear out of no where and rain down in the water off shore major cities, spilling out alien invaders who proceed to do world culture a public service by destroying all vestiges of California surf/beach culture. Nantz is joined by every military cliche in the history of film, including but not limited to Lieutenant Deadmeat (word to the wise. If you are in a military movie and your last act before heading off on a mission is to kiss your pregnant wife or baby, just stop off at the funeral home and pick out your coffin to save time), Corporal I-Hate-You-Staff-Sergeant-Nantz-Because-You-Got-My-Brother-Killed, Private I’m-a-Virgin, Corporal Nerdy-Glasses, Navel Corpsman Foreign-National-Working-to-Get-My-Citizenship, and Corporal I’m-From-Jersey-so-I-Can-Steal-or-Drive-Anything-with-Wheels.
They are sent out to rescue some civilians trapped in an LAPD police station before everything west of the 405 freeway gets blown to hell by the air force (and if you have ever lived in LA, you know how funny that really is). On the way they run into some loose soldiers (Air Force Tech Sergeant I’m-a-Tough-Soldier-Chick-who-also-Happens-to-know-Secret-Information-about-the Aliens-that-will-Later-Prove-Critical and three basic bullet stoppers who are more or less there to pad the body count). They find the civilians, which include a hot veterinarian, a father and his too cute kid, and two little girls (sorry, but how cheesy is this?). The aliens show up and military versus alien hijinx ensue. The aliens start the movie almost impossible to kill (four soldiers firing full auto at a range of five feet and a grenade to kill the first one) and somehow end the movie falling down when you spit at them. The movie ends with the Marines doing something that doesn’t completely destroy the aliens (cough cough Independence Day cough cough) but damaging them enough to give humans a fighting chance.
I’ll get into the stars and black holes in a bit, but I do want to say that one thing that really bugged me about this movie was that while the human motivations were relatively clear the aliens motivations were amateurish at best. Honestly, the aliens in Skyline had a more clear and believable motivation. The premise is they are landing to take away all of our water. There is some “expert” on CNN who talks about how rare it is that planet Earth has the right conditions for water to be in a liquid state. Really? Are the aliens dumb enough to not realize that ice, which is extremely common in our universe (Haley’s comet is like 90% ice. Pluto is 99% water), melts into water and can be gathered in any number of places that don’t have well armed native populations ready to fight you to the end? Spare me your moronic writing. Honestly, I respect the motivation behind Mars Needs Moms more.
Anyway, the stars. Alien invasion movie. Two stars. US Marine Corps, which I am a big fan of, painted in a very tough and positive light. One star. In spite of all being plucked from the cliche tree, the characters were for the most part pretty cool, especially Staff Sergeant Nantz. One star. Excellent special effects and CGI. Two stars. Good battle scenes with decent choreography. One star. The aliens looked pretty cool. One star. They managed to avoid the bad cliche of using alien guns against the aliens. One star. They managed to avoid the “the aliens are impervious except for the fact that they can all be killed at once due to their one weakness” (Independence Day, the Puppet Masters, War of the Worlds, Signs, etc.) cliche. One star. The aliens seemed interested in destroying Los Angeles, a city I despise, and surfers, a sport I despise. Two stars. Twelve stars total.
Now the black holes. The aliens are here to steal our water. Two black holes. The characters and most of the situations are cliche as all hell. One black hole. They crowbarred in a bunch of kids (who never died), as well as the father dying and a really painful tender moment between Nantz and the kid to make the movie more human (LOL). One black hole. The aliens were unholy killing machines at the beginning of the movie and fluffy teddy bears at the end. One black hole. I’m no expert in squad level military tactics, but it seems like if you are facing an enemy you already know is using explosive munitions you would want to keep more than a two feet between the soldiers and not run down the street in a bunch like children on a field trip. One black hole. Lieutenant Deadmeat dies in the cheesiest manner possible. One black hole. Aliens don’t seem to be motivated to have back up systems for their military control assets. One black hole. As cool as the aliens looked, the ships all looked like someone glued a bunch of crap to giant Trivial Pursuit wedges. One black hole. Total: nine black holes.
So we end up with three stars total. Not bad, actually. Overall worth seeing if you want to turn off your brain for a couple hours and just enjoy a fairly bland adrenaline rush. If things like aliens invading to take stuff you can find on any asteroid in the universe bugs you than you might have an issue. I think its worth seeing in a theater, and definitely worth NetFlixing.
Next post will be dating advice. I also realize that I have let the whole who-would-win thing drop fall by the wayside. I will go back to the last one I posted; Riker from Next Generation versus Alien. I think it pretty obvious to anyone who knows me all I really want to see is Riker eviscerated by Alien. That being said I think he would list about 30 seconds. Armed with a phaser, I still only give him 50/50 as he would probably try to communicate with the alien as he was having his guts torn out. (Alien image courtesy of the cheap t shirt category).
For today I will once again mix genres. Who would win, Onyxia from World of Warcraft versus Godzilla?
Dave, where the hell have you been?
I just looked at my last post and realized it has been a full week since I did anything. I apologize to those of you who are avid readers and want to hear my words of wisdom each day. To the other 99.999% of you I will just say I have been really busy with the Star Trek show we attended this last weekend. Even now I am scrambling to fold and sort t-shirts, but wanted to at least make a prairie dog-like appearance and let my beloved readers know I am still shuffling on this mortal coil.
The show I went to was the San Francisco Star Trek convention, and let me say it exceeded all my expectations, both in sales and in fun. It’s a smaller show and I thought it would be kind of slow, but it was popping the whole time. I met some amazing people, saw some decent costumes, and finally discovered a way of displaying t-shirts that I like.
I find these shows to be especially cool in that I really enjoy hanging out with the true fans, if you know what I mean. Sure you meet cool fans at shows like Wondercon and so on, but you also get a lot of dross wandering in off the street. You have to be truly dedicated to travel to a Star Trek show, and it feels good to be in a room where 100% of the people with you are into the same thing you are. I think it an interesting case that one of the best selling t-shirts from the show was this United Federation of Planets (from the Star Trek T shirt category) rather than one of the character shirts, as only a true fan of Star Trek would even recognize this logo. Very cool.
So this week I will do a post each day. Tomorrow more dating advice. Tomorrow night I think I will see Battle: Los Angeles so you can look forward to a review for what I hope is a great movie Wednesday. I need to blog a lot over the next two weeks as I will be working hard to get ready for Wondercon in early April and will start having a hard time finding time after about the 27th. More on that show later.
Nerd Dating: Online Dating pt 18: Keeping the conversation going.
OK, you sent out about 100(,000,000) emails to assorted women and got one back. Your job is now to keep the conversation going until she is comfortable enough with you to agree to meet up.
This is actually a lot harder to do than you would think. The problem is if you exchange too many emails she will either get bored or come to the conclusion that you have something to hide (missing limb, frequent and fragrant flatulence, etc). It’s like trying to drop excess weight to keep a helium balloon from going down in piranha infested water and the only thing you have left to drop is your excess blood. You have to balance out enough weight lost without bleeding to death (while the piranhas get driven into a frenzy by all that blood dripping into the water).
Honestly, I tend to treat this like I would going for the first kiss while dating. 3-5 emails seems to be the correct number. Each email needs to both tell her something about you (not too much) and keep her interested enough to reply. The best thing to do seems to be to ask her a few questions about herself related to her last email while answering her last set of questions with as few details as possible. By the way, if she is not asking you questions than odds are she is just killing time at work. You can probably let the thread drop.
The thing about these is never volunteer extra information. You need her to feel like you are doing her a favor even telling her your name. Also, by keeping detains low you will intrigue her and make her want to see you face to face, where the implication is you will be more forthcoming. If you give here everything she has no reason to email you again.
Here are a few examples.
She asks: “Where did you go to college.” The correct answer would be “UC Irvine. Where did you go?” The incorrect answer would be “UC Irvine. I studied studio art. It’s kind of boring but I had some fun. All my best friends came from there, and my frat voted me “Most likely to bazooka barf on Yeager” three years in a row.” See, if you had gone with the first answer she would have been forced to email you again with questions like “What did you study? Did you like it? Have you ever projectile vomited while drinking Yeager?”
She asks: “Did you have pets as a kid?” and you answer “We had a cat and a dog.” She will then ask stuff like “What kind of dog? Is he still alive? Is there the slightest chance he’s actually a werewolf trapped in canine form?”
See how that works? Answer her questions, but leave the subject open for more questions.
Also be sure to ask her questions. Never get too specific or detailed or she will conclude you are likely a stalker of some kind (probably correctly). Here are some innocuous questions you can feel free to use. “Where did you grow up? Where did you go to school? What did you major in? Do you have any brothers or sisters? What do you do? Do you like it?”
The one thing to remember is any details you are given you will have to remember and reference when you do meet here, so don’t do too much or you will strain your brain.
Incidentally, this exchange is exactly like the game point in a tennis (or, for the less athletically inclined readers, ping pong) match. You hit the ball into her court, she returns, rinse and repeat. If the ball gets dropped for any reason it’s game over. If she fails to respond to your last email you must have butchered it and no amount of “Hey, you never replied to my last email. Everything OK?” will get the ball bouncing again. Go back to spamming new girls.
That’s it for today. I think it safe to assume most of you actually communicate better via email than in person so I won’t burden you with too much detail. Next post we will talk about actually meeting with your girl.
I want to mention real quick that this weekend I will be at the Star Trek Convention in San Francisco this weekend and will very likely be wearing this Star Trek red T shirt just because I like to live dangerously. This show will feature the vaunted Leonard Nimoy as well as the great Michelle Nichols, so if you are in the Bay Area be sure to stop by and say hi. I will have a new girl working with me on Saturday as well so if you see a cute nerdish girl there while I am trying to get Nimoy’s autograph be sure to say high to Angela.
Pandora sucks
I have been on quite the positive roll lately, in my humble opinion, with some really good posts about online dating and movie reviews, most of which I am very happy with. However, today I feel the need to purge myself of some negative energy and so turn to my blog for the purpose that blogs were originally conceived; an old fashioned nerd rant. I figured I could get into my like/hate relationship with Pandora.
I, like most reasonably up to date (I refuse to use the word hip) adults listen to Pandora for music on my computer or iPhone. For those of you not familiar with it, Pandora is a free internet radio that allows you to pick genres of music and then either thumbs up and thumbs down on specific songs, theoretically giving you the ability to only listen to the music you want to.
“Wait a minute, Dave!” I can hear you saying. “If it’s a free service how can you then justify bitching about it? Isn’t that kind of ungrateful?” Well, yes it would be if Pandora were truly free. It is, however, actually a commercial endeavor in the most literal sense possible as they literally play commercials like old fashioned radio. Not only that, but they don’t play a variety of commercials. That would prevent them from driving their sponsors message into your brain like a railroad spike made of frozen nitrogen. Instead, what they do is get a single commercial and play it OVER AND OVER AND OVER AGAIN. It is enough to make you want to throw whatever poor device is broadcasting it into the nearest sewer. Therefore, since I am paying them for the service in brain cells I feel I have the right to point out their major flaws.
It’s not the repetitive commercials that has my boxers in a bunch. I run a commercial web site and understand the needs of everyone to get paid. What is rubbing me like a sandpaper bicycle seat is the algorithm they use to select the music they subject you to.
You see, you start a station by seeding it with a few of your favorite bands. They then play those bands and other bands they feel you would like, kind of like how Amazon tells you stuff like “People who bought Sarah Palin’s book also enjoyed See Spot Run.” Sounds good in theory, and upon occasion they manage to come up with a new band or song that I quite enjoy.
The thing is, if any of you have read more than a few of my blogs you should have realized by now that I am a contrarian (yes, that is a legitimate word and correctly spelled. Microsoft, you also suck) by nature and tend to respond negatively to most forms of peer pressure to the point that if someone said to me “Dave, the ship is sinking! Get on the lifeboat! Everyone else is doing it!” I would lay even odds on my going off to try to find my own flotation device. My musical tastes are pretty varied and tend to be more about what I don’t like than what I do, although if I had to pick a genre or two it would probably be old school or harmonic punk rock.
Therefore, I never developed a taste for “classic” rock. Led Zeppelin sucks in my opinion, as do all their contemporaries (with the exception of a few songs by the Rolling Stones. Paint it Black, for example). Yet somehow Pandora has decided it is patently impossible for someone to not love Zeppelin and insists on playing it for me all the freaking time in spite of the fact that I have given it nothing but thumbs down. Not just Led Zeppelin, but all the classic contemporaries like Pink Floyd (acid tripping losers), the Who(?), the Beatles (ever want to watch someone have an apoplectic fit? Find a Beatles fan, look him straight in the eye, and say “The Beatles ruined rock and roll.” Not necessarily true, but always funny), the Eagles (did these guys ever have a point?), the Grateful Dead (peace, love, and smoking tons of pot), AC/DC (about as heavy as aluminum IMO), Van Halen (the Frankenstein monster of rock), the Doors (I’ve read Doors of Perception. It sucks), Def Leoppard (oonder gleepin gloopin gropen), ZZ Top (beards!), and any number of other bands who should have never made it out of the 80’s. I think the mistake I made was once expressing an interest in Tom Petty, who I find a great singer and has amazing lyrics. Petty has turned out to be patient zero for infecting my Pandora station.
The thing that really gets me is the fact that in spite of my giving them thumbs down over and over again they still keep trying. “Hmm. Dave has given a thumbs down on the last 18 Led Zeppelin songs we have played for him. But you know what? I think this 19th song, Good Times/Bad Times Live at the Hollywood Bowl, will remind him that all humans are genetically predisposed to loving this band. It is significantly different from the studio version of Good Times/Bad Times we played for him two hours ago.” If it were me in charge, if someone gave a thumbs down on three songs by a particular band in a row, that band would be deleted from his play list in it’s entirety.
The final straw on this rant is the fact that Pandora likes to run songs in sets. This is normally cool in that if they play a Bad Religion song for me odds are the next three or four songs will be Rancid or something similar. The problem is they get into a classic rock set for me and once I do thumbs down on AC/DC, Def Leoppard, CCR, Buffalo Springfield, and Deep Purple all of a sudden you hit the limit of the number of songs you can skip (according to their licensing agreement. Can anyone explain how that works?) and you are forced to listen to the Eagles Hotel California. Either that or turn it off and write a bitch blog post about it.
Yes, I know I could just create a new station but really, that isn’t the point. I shouldn’t have to deal with this and if they had applied a little more thought to their service the issue would be more or less self correcting. I still use Pandora and am happy about 80% of the time. However, that is at best a B- and if I could find a better graded service I would do it.
Anyway, sorry about the complete self indulgence of this post. I actually feel a lot better all of a sudden. I should have started a blog years ago.
Yesterdays post asked what would happen if Tyler Durden’s fantasy fight with Abraham Lincoln were to become a reality (understanding that the entire conversation took place in the movie Fight Club, another fantasy). I think Tyler had a lot more fighting experience and tolerance for pain. However, I believe Abe Lincoln was one of those never-say-die guys. Therefore I am going to go with Lincoln on this one, but it would be long, drawn out, and bloody. (Lincoln image courtesy of the funny political t shirts)
Since I indulged myself with my rant today I will continue to indulge myself with my who-would-win question. This one is less about an actual fight and more about wanting to see a character I dislike intensely get gutted. Who would win, Riker from Next Generation versus Giger’s Alien (no phaser)?
Nerd Dating: Online Dating pt 17: the first email
OK, last night at bad movie night we saw Unbreakable, which I actually like a lot, so I don’t feel the need to bitch about it. Back to the dating stuff.
You have filtered through a large number (I hope) of postings and used my advice to interpret some of the info and photos posted. You have selected one who seems interesting, attractive, and real (by that I mean she is likely an actual human being, not some Easter European scam artist or someone offering you money from a Nigerian prince. Use your brain. Why would a woman who looks like a super model need to find guys on a web site?). Time to send that critical first email. What to include in this magical missive?
The fact is, most women who are even remotely attractive will have their email inbox blow up like a 300lb guy stuffed into a size 6 wetsuit. The bottom line is you have to really stand out in some way, and do it within the first three lines of the email as if you have not she will stop reading. The easiest way to catch her interest is with a hot photo of yourself, but unless you have some major speech or personality disorder bordering on dysfunctional yet still look stunning I would be willing to bet you don’t have any of those based on the fact that you are reading this blog for dating advice and not working as an underwear model. However, know that a photo or lack thereof is the first filter most women use to separate the wheat from the chaff, so if you don’t send a picture you can more or less guarantee not hearing back from her.
Honestly, this is just another version of the pick up lines I talked about several months ago and you can readily apply most of those rules to this situation. I have found my best bet is to go with observational humor. Since you aren’t experiencing a common situation to observe you can only make a joke about the one thing you have any information on: her. Examine her listing and look for something unusual or odd that she has an interest in. Make a joke about it that is funny but not too mean. If you can crowbar in a depreciating comment about yourself that works too. This is a great move in that it shows her how funny you are and more importantly that you actually read her post and aren’t just spamming every human with two X chromosomes you can find. Here are a few examples (not necessarily good ones, but you can get the idea).
She says she likes water polo. You say “I tried water polo once but my horse died”
She loves dancing. “I love dancing, but I have to warn you I dance like a big white guy” This really only works if you are actually a big white guy.
She loves to cook. “I don’t cook much. The best thing I can make is a good reservation.” This works because if she really likes to cook she will want to cook for you. Never pass up on a free meal, especially at her place.
The last trip she took was to France. “Rumor has it there is a place in France where the ladies wear no pants. Would you care to comment?”
She says she loves cats. “I like cats quite a bit myself, but as a rule don’t date anyone who owns more than two.”
Anyway, you should get the idea. Even if she is kind of offended a little she will be intrigued by the bad boy who makes fun of her interests and want to meet you. Either that she will just delete your email in a huff and you are spared the pain of dating a humorless uptight prig.
Also be sure to say something about yourself, but not a lot. Remember that whole “Familiarity breeds contempt” rule I listed under opening conversations. That rule holds even more true here, as she will be making gross generalized assumptions about you based on minimal actual evidence. Here is an example of what I would consider a decent opening email.
“Hi (her name here). I saw your listing on (whatever dating site) and found it intriguing (<–this is a good word to use. Everyone likes to think they are intriguing). I noticed you are into (whatever hobby she listed here that you actually have tried or at least know a little about). I love (that hobby) as well. I also noticed that you like (whatever weird thing you are going to bag on). I once tried it but (insert witty joke here).
I am (insert marital status, orientation, race, age, and gender here, preferably in letter form such as SWM) and am into (whatever hobby doesn’t make you look like a weird introverted geek). I think it would be cool to chat and get to know you a little more. I have included a photo of me at (whatever event you took the photo of. I would say a relatives wedding usually works really well. Not a Star Trek convention). I am the one on the (side) wearing the (specific clothing). Let me know if you are interested. I can be reached by (email or IM service. No phone number or she will think you are a potential stalker). Talk to you soon.
(Your name here)
P.S. (Additional innocuous joke of some kind)”
That pretty much is the formula. Of course vary it a bit. Mix it up. Then, once you have sent that, go back to your dating service and send out about 20 more every day until you get a girlfriend, as odds are very high that you will never hear from her. However, if you send out 10,000 emails and get one girlfriend you are ahead of the game. Also, wrap this up by about 8pm and try to go out and meet a girl in person. Don’t get all (or more) introverted and agoraphobic.
That’s it for today. More on online dating tomorrow, unless I find something else to talk about.
Yesterday’s question, Jayne Cobb versus John McClane, has kind of thrown me for a loop as I happen to love both characters. Also I think they are really evenly matched. However, I believe Vera has both the range and the hitting power to outshoot the MP5 McClane had in Die Hard, so I am going to have to bet on Jayne in a close match. (Jayne image courtesy of the Firefly t shirts)
For today let’s get historical. As any fan of Fight Club knows, given any historical figure to fight Tyler Durden would chose to Abraham Lincoln. Who would win?
Movie Review: Drive Angry 3D
So like I said (threatened) yesterday I went to a late night showing the latest opus from Nicholas Cage, Drive Angry. Given the last Cage movie I saw and lambasted, Season of the Witch, I did not expect a lot and for the most this film met with my expectations. I got home, thought about writing it, and decided to sleep on it to see if the movie looked any better in the daylight.
Sadly, it did not. Don’t get me wrong. I love grindhouse. However, this movie feels less like true grindhouse and more like some Hollywood guys trying to either do a high budget tribute or parody of grindhouse. In either case it feels plastic and fake, like brown hair extensions on a redhead.
Also, remember when Nicholas Cage would act and actually deliver some level of emotion with his lines? Like in Raising Arizona, the Rock, Kiss of Death, 8MM, Valley Girl, or prelude-to-a-suicide Leaving Las Vegas? Right before doing Ghost Rider I think he was kidnapped and replaced with a robot who can simulate life but not quite deliver emotions. The lines “Coffee, black, with sugar”, “Ever heard of a place called Sweet Water?”,” and “I am going to kill you” are all delivered with the same monotone deadpan delivery that would work well for a 
sidekick or secondary character (especially if the sidekick was the computer voice from War Games) but which makes me think I could do a better job filming the movie using World of Warcraft toons as actors. For a movie called “Drive Angry” there doesn’t seem to be a lot of anger or any other emotion from the main character. (Murloco’s Taco’s image courtesy of the World of Warcraft t shirts)
That being said, there are elements I liked. Just not the story, acting, action, dialogue, or all but two of the characters.
Honestly, I think the synopsis will be the hardest part of this review for me to write as I spent the first 45 minutes of the films saying “What the hell is going on?” I appreciated a film that doesn’t reveal everything to us like we are ten year old short bus riders, but at some point you have to make an effort to give us a clue of what was going on. If I hadn’t read a blurb before the movie I would have been totally confused.
Anyway, Nicholas Cage plays John Milton who escapes from Hell in a hot car with a stolen gun called the God Killer a few years after being killed in some ill defined crime spree and is somehow unkillable. He is trying to save his infant grand daughter from being sacrificed by a Satanic cult leader (Billy Burke, one of the two characters I liked). He somehow convinces Zombieland hottie Amber Heard (playing the kick ass waitress Piper. Come to think of it, she actually has a lot of anger in her roll. Maybe she is supposed to balance out Mechano-Man Cage) to help him in her boyfriend’s stolen Charger. They are pursued by the other only character I liked, William Fichtner, who plays Hell’s repo man sent to collect Cage and bring him back (it is later revealed that he is actually a former Egyptian god who I will not name but you have seen on Stargate SG1). There is also a cool looking and sounding police captain who seemed to get a lot of character buildup and development and then fell off the screen like a lead seagull. They travel through Louisiana mixing it up with white trash kooks and local color. Car driving hijinx ensue, and there is a final battle scene not so much lifted as taken frame by frame from the car destroying the undead army scene in Army of Darkness.
OK, the stars. The opening and closing scenes with Cage driving to and from Hell are pretty cool. One star. There are four amazing muscle cars, including a 69 Charger and a beautiful Chevelle. Two stars. I will give a star for every totally gratuitous grindhouse style nude girl, so like two and a half stars. The Accountant from Hell (literally) was kind of cool. One star. The driving action, while over the top, was actually pretty cool and well filmed. One star. While headache inducing, the film was actually shot with 3D in mind and has some fairly cool things flying out of screen. I actually found myself jumping a couple times. One star. Total: 8.5 stars.
Now the black holes. Nicholas Cage acts like a Tweekie dealing with irritable bowl syndrome. Two black holes. The story kind of blows. On black hole. The dialogue blows. One black hole. As good as the driving sequences were (which was only moderately good) the fight scenes were horrible (at one point Cage kills about 20 guys while in coitus with a trampy waitress and doesn’t pull out until they are all dead. On the other hand, this is one of the nude scenes that netted them a star). I know grindhouse is supposed to be over the top, but this is just dumb. Hire a fight choreographer. Two black holes. For no explained reason whatsoever Cage’s character is not only unkillable but somehow heals himself from a gunshot wound in the eye. One black hole. For the life of me I cannot figure out where Pipers motivation to do anything but run screaming into the night comes from. One black hole. Total: 8 black holes.
So we end up with a net of 0.5 stars, which is very slightly higher than the review I gave for Cage’s last movie, Season of the Witch (where he also portrayed a character with less emotion than the suit of armor he was wearing). However, remember 2.5 stars come from my appreciation of rated R style nudity and 2 more from a love of American muscle cars. If you do not share these interests then it swings heavily towards the black hole end. Definitely not a date movie. Honestly, if you love driving action then I would say see it on a screen. On TV I don’t think it will really have the impact the big screen would have. If you miss it wait until you see it in the $4 bin at Best Buy (or the #2 bin at Walmart).
For yesterdays who-would-win question, Jayne Cobb versus Snake Plisskin, I think it is kind of situational. If Jayne had Vera and all the hardware he carried on a typical day of Firefly and Snake just had the gear he had in Escape from New York, I would have to bet on Jayne. On the other hand if Snake had his choice of weapons (or was armed like he was in Escape from LA) then I would bet on him. You can’t beat him in a gunfight, Bangkok style.
For today I will again go with Jayne, as I am in a Firefly mood. Who would win, Jayne Cobb (with Vera again) versus John McClane from Die Hard?
Nerd Dating: Online Dating pt 16: interpreting photos
OK, this is the last one I am doing on this nuance of online dating. Not because I have run out of items to describe but more because it is starting to get kind of repetitive and honestly, by this time you should be able to figure these out yourself.
Girl surrounded by a huge pile of stuffed animals. Take whatever age she is and subtract 15 from it. This is OK if she is 40 but kind of problematic if she is 25. Also, I guarantee that she has a very protective daddy who is probably willing and capable of putting out a hit on you. I’d give this girl a 7.5 on the pain-o-meter to date.
Big coke bottle glasses. For both guy and girl, this actually translates into pretty cool to date. In both cases it usually means someone who is cool with their nerd lifestyle and doesn’t care enough to take pains for their appearance. Often times they are super nerdy, which in my mind translates into pretty cool. Also, girls who wear coke bottle glasses in photos in my experience are rarely fat. I don’t know what the deal is, but overweight women seem really inclined to take off their glasses for photos.
Doing something improbable and potentially dangerous. Skydiving, dirt bike riding, rock climbing, hang gliding, or other “extreme” sports. This is almost always a guy. Unless his title for his profile is something like “Live to rock climb” then he is trying to show the world what kind of a macho man he is. Odds are you can take however often he claims to do these things and divide it by about 20 to get the actual frequency (“I skate 3-4 times a week” = 182 times per year/20 = 9 times last year). Guys who actually do “extreme” sports on a regular basis rarely have to go online to meet women, as there are any number of hot low self esteem women willing to be treated like a doormat to be encountered all the time in their daily lives. If by some fluke you do meet a semi-pro skateboarder and feel dumb enough to date him you can look forward to having his shoes wiped on your back.
Lots of tattoos and/or piercings. If a guy this man has a serious F-you attitude towards life and people in general. Either he is serious and will likely end up (back) in prison or he is a poser and feels a lot of personal frustration that no one understands what kind of a rock star he secretly is. The best you can hope for is that this guy owns his own lame clothing company (something I know too much about) but odds are he works in an auto shop or something even more blue collar. If this is a girl than she has serious daddy issues and this is likely her revenge on her parents. The funny thing is they never seem to get enough and will keep getting revenge long after her parents pass. If she is pretty hot than there is a good chance she has been a stripper or should have been. If, however, you can get past all that they tend to be a lot of fun to hang out with and are fairly uninhibited, so given the opportunity I would date her. Just be ready for the inevitable drama. Also, in both cases you can glean some insight into their personality and intellectual ability by judging the subject matter, originality, cleverness, and spelling of the tattoos shown. As a general rule, if you see a misspelled word run away screaming.
Lots of guns. Again, mostly guys. This person is probably trying to make up for something, if you know what I mean, so if you have issues with larger junk than this would be the guy for you. Also, these guys tend to be weird conspiracy nuts, so you can look forward to hearing how the Rand Corporation really runs the country and how the second Kennedy gunman was actually an alien who traveled back in time to prevent him from nationalizing the phone companies. These guys tend to get turned on by shooting more or less harmless and inoffensive animals, so if you have any love of animals odds are you should steer clear. A real man would fight a bear with a knife, in my opinion (or just try to stay away from one).
That’s pretty much it for today, and more or less for this matter. Next time I do more dating I will talk about what to send on your first email to a girl online. However, today is Tuesday which means cheap movie night at my local theater. I’m afraid (literally) that I am going to have to see a late showing of the new Nicholas Cage film Drive Angry. It looks truly awful and I look forward to writing a burning review of it tomorrow, although I anticipate a long evening of pain for myself.
As for yesterdays question, the nerds from Revenge of the Nerds versus the nerds from Scooby Doo, I think this question is very situational. If the Revenge guys were trying to haunt an old amusement park so they could smuggle diamonds out of the state then I would have to bet on Scooby Doo. In almost every other situation I would have to bet on the Revenge guys, if only because they seem less unwilling to mix it up. (Adams Atoms shirt from Revenge of the Nerds shirt courtesy of the nerd t shirts category)
For today I ask the question of who would win, Jayne Cobb (with Vera) from Firefly against Snake Plisskin from Escape from New York?
Nerd Dating: Online Dating pt 15: interpreting photos
This will be my last post on photos for now, and it will be quick as I am going out to dinner with some friends. Let’s get into it.
Party photo. You know, the person in question sitting on a couch that looks like it was rescued from a toxic land fill surrounded by a bunch of poorly dressed losers and one guy in the background talking to the only hot girl in the place. Everyone has a beer in one hand and there is a bong on the table. That photo? This person, guy or girl, seriously wishes they were back in college still. Not that I blame them. There are many times I wish I were back in college. However, as for dating material this person will be kind of a drag and can’t really let go.
Person in photo hitting a bong. OK. You have hopefully read any number of these posts and my interpretations on photos. Hopefully you have gleaned a little skill in this area. Do I really need to explain this one to you? Let’s call it a pop quiz. I’m sure you can figure it out.
Person in Halloween costume. If this is a girl, odds are she is pretty cool and would make a great girlfriend, unless it happens to be a cat costume, in which case stay as far away from her as possible. Be aware, however, that masks and makeup can often hide some horrific blemish so if she is dressed like a witch and has no other photos up there is a pretty good chance the wart on her nose is not just good special effects. If it is a guy and he is dressed as something from comic books or science fiction odds are he is a pretty cool nerd (unless it’s something from Harry Potter, in which case I would say pull the rip cord). If he’s in something else use your best judgment. However, if he is dressed as a woman I guarantee he is an ex frat boy and likely in the closet as well.
Guy on a motorcycle. Ugh. Unless he is actually a Hell’s Angel odds are he is some kind of loser who wants desperately to be a bad boy. He probably drives a delivery truck for Coors and has a history of fairly abusive relationships. Also there is a very good chance he got the bike just because he knows it impresses dumb women. I’ve never seen a personal with a girl on a motorcycle, so I have no basis upon which to comment. My gut tells me she is probably pretty cool but likes to be in charge. If you have any info email it to me.
On a Vespa scooter. If a guy I can promise he is a hipster scooter guy, which can be both good or bad (or both). If he is gainfully employed it is likely to be good. If not it is probably bad. Either way, however, you had best have a high tolerance for pretension and crappy garage bands. If this is a girl either she is the female, albeit somewhat cooler and more tolerable, version of the hipster scooter guy or she loves Italy and has fantasies of living there. Either way she is probably pretty cool and worth going out with, as long as you like to travel.
I gotta get going, so I lied and will actually post one more on pictures tomorrow. I’m actually having a lot of fun with this particular topic. As for yesterdays who-would-win question, Jack Burton versus Buckaroo Banzai, first of all let me say I hope it never would come down to this as these two are both great and I truly hope they never have to cross swords. That being said, I am going to have to bet on Buckaroo Banzai, but it wouldn’t be close. He just seems more ready to deal with weird situation. (Pork Chop Express (from Big Trouble in Little China) image courtesy of the many nerd t shirts)
For today I ask a true nerd question: who would win, the crew from Revenge of the Nerds versus the gang from Scooby Doo?
