The Harry Potter Marathon begins: Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone
Or, What the hell is the deal with Quibbage?
Ok, so last night I started my epic Harry Potter marathon with the first in the series, Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone. For those of you unfamiliar with the story, I want to review the newest Harry Potter film, but feel patently unqualified as I have never seen any of the others and feel it would be a real disservice. Therefore I have borrowed all of the films from a friend of mine who is a fan girl (thanks again, Liz) and plan to watch them all back to back, culminating in the newest one and a review. I honestly think this could give me a perspective that every other reviewer will be missing, as the whole series will be super fresh in my mind. So last night I curled up in front of my painting table (I’m working on a new Warhammer army) and slapped this bad boy into the DvD player (Guns don’t kill people, magic missiles do image from my collection of nerd t shirts)
I’m not going to bother with a full review on each movie, as it’s all old news anyway. Also, if I really want to get this thing done in a timely manner I’m going to watch at least two a night and do the write up the next day. Instead I plan to just write a summary of my impressions and any questions I may have come up with (and don’t any of you bozos tell me that the answers are in the books. A movie should stand on it’s own two feet, and I plan to watch them all without having picked up a single novel as a show of solidarity for my illiterate readers).
Anyway, this film was reasonably entertaining. Very kiddish, but I have been told the stories get grimmer and more adult as young Harry Potter grows up, so I guess that makes sense. Really good acting for kids, and there was enough magic and cool creatures to keep things entertaining. I will say the entire story was rife with deus ex machina to the point you actually felt like you were reading a book rather watching a film, and that book was about God running some kid’s life like a marionette.
I have some questions that I hope some of you can answer for me, mostly in the area of child abuse and child endangerment. I am going to skip any questions related to blatant violations of the Laws of Thermodynamics, as I know the answer will inevitably be “It’s magic”.
First of all, Harry Potter is apparently rich, right? His parents left him a huge vault of gold. Why, then, did the wizards feel the need to stick him with his abusive relatives so he could live in a closet under the stairs? I mean, they were really jerks to him. A couple gold pieces a year might have mitigated the animosity they felt towards him for no other reason than that they were jerks, or may be even gotten him into a more qualified foster home or at least some kind of trust fund guardian. Also, why would the wizards leave a baby with a jagged wound on his forehead untreated? I understand the need to establish how he got the scar, but babies have undeveloped immune systems and could get really sick from something like that. Can’t you magically conjure up a band aid? Another thing that struck me was, if Harry’s parents were powerful magicians, why did they look like yuppies from Concord, CA? His mother might have been a skilled witch, but all she did when Voldemort showed up was suck and die. Also, what is up with Voldemort’s name? For a name that is not supposed to be spoken Harry sure seems to bandy it around a lot. For that matter, why can’t his name be spoken? Isn’t he some kind of incorporeal spirit or a weird growth on the back of some guys head? What would saying his name actually do? Seems like all he can do is show up as a smoke monster.
Secondly, I honestly think the biggest jerk in the film is the headmaster at Hogwarts. At the end of the movie he announces that Gryffendor is in dead last for the House Cup and that Slytherin, through honest hard work, has won. Everyone cheers and is happy. Then he announces, AFTER TELLING SLYTHERIN THEY WON, the bonus points awarded to Gryffendor and rescinds the award and gives it to Harry and his friends. I’m sorry, but these are like 10 year old kids. Childhood trauma, anyone? Also, the almost random nature of how he awards points blatantly shows the less than impartial nature of the system and the fact that he obviously wanted Gryffendor to win. I know from my friends that Slytherin is supposed to be the house that trains all the evil wizards, but honestly, if that is how Hogwarts treats them, can you blame them for coming down a little on the evil side? At age 11 if I felt that badly rooked out of something I probably would have set the building on fire (actually, at that age I didn’t need a lot of excuses to start a fire, but that’s a different tale). Furthermore, by my calculations something like over half of Gryffendor’s points were earned by three first year students. What was the rest of the house doing? What kind of lesson are you teaching these children? That it’s cool to sit on your ass and then celebrate when someone else earns awards for you? Honestly, my sympathy really sits strongly in the Slytherin camp.
Finally, what the hell is the deal with Quibbage? I play a lot of games, and games theory is something of a passion for me. Let’s think about this. A goal is worth 10 points. Catching that little gold ball is worth 150 points and appears to be the only way to end the game. Why, then, take the serious risk of death or major injury trying to score goals when, unless your team is in the lead by no less than 16 goals, all you have to do is either help your seeker catch the gold ball or prevent their seeker from catching it. And the game doesn’t end until the ball is caught, right? Or did I miss the timer or something? Honestly, if I were one of the team members and I worked my ass off to score 14 goals and someone either caught the ball for my side or theirs, I’d be pissed off either way. Either your team caught it, making all the work you did to score all those goal worthless, or the other team caught it, making all the work you did to score all those goals worthless AND you lose. What’s the point of the goals? If I were a Quibbage team captain my strategy would to bury one of those little clubs deep in the opposing Seekers brain pan and spend the rest of the game helping my guy catch the ball. There doesn’t seem to any consequences for violence or roughness against opposing players, so mayhem would be a totally acceptable. For that matter, why not just have your team sharpen the ends of all your brooms into punji sticks and spend the first ten minutes trying to impale your opposing team? Then, while they all lie twitching and bleeding on the ground you can win at your leisure. Anyone ever see the movie Rollerball (the 1975 version with James Caan, not the cheesy remake)? Play it that way.
Now what would make for a much more interesting game and allow for a huge amount of strategy would be if catching the gold ball would end the game with no bonus points. In other words, if your team is in the lead your Seeker would be actively trying to catch the ball, while the other Seeker would be trying to prevent it. Then, if the scores shift than the roles do, and the Seekers really need to pay attention to what is happening with the score. That is a game.
Now, before you all start spamming me with Harry Potter fan boy hate mail, (feel free to spam me with Harry Potter fan boy hate mail: [email protected], or post a comment on this blog. As long as you don’t cuss I will probably approve it), I did actually enjoy this film. It was an interesting story, and in spite of my issues with a lot of the “logic” of the film I am actually curious to see what happens in the next film. In that regard it is brilliant. If it does get more adult and darker as time goes on I am sure I will come to love it. They just need to fix Quibbage.
I am seeing the Smurfs in 3D tonight (huzzah, me) and will be writing that up tomorrow morning (or in a coma induced by cuteness). If I have time I will watch another Potter tonight as well and then Thursday do two at once. I have a lot of painting to do, so this coincides nicely. Keep the faith, fellow nerds.
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