After Earth Review
Afterbirth.
Once in a great while in the reviewing world there comes a confluence similar to all the planets in our solar system lining up to destroy our home world (wouldn’t that destroy all the planets? Why are we special?) where an absolute shyte movie comes along with a name that readily lends itself to an obscene, biological, or scatological pun like this one. On these rare occasions there is much rejoicing in the secret kingdom in my head (mostly filled with robots, bacon wrapped everything, and women who don’t consistently treat me like I just made an obscene, biological, or scatological pun) and I declare a the day a personal holiday.
It is always painfully obvious when a Sci Fi movie is created by people who don’t really know much about Science Fiction (I’m looking at you, Stephanie Meyer). 
The underlying belief seems to be that if you just put in a space ship and some kind of alien creature the nerd fan boys will love it (alien image courtesy of the Cheap T Shirt category). Nothing could be further from the truth as Sci Fi fans are among the most opinionated and discriminating fans out there. We aren’t reality TV watching Neanderthals who happen to enjoy Star Trek. Most of us not only watch Sci Fi movies and TV shows, but read a lot of Sci Fi fiction novels, comic books, and graphic novels. This exposes us to a breadth of stories that go beyond the usual Hollywood mundane-o-trope, thus requiring something decent to intrigue us. True, cool special effects are entrancing but without some decent framework to hang them on we might as well be watching fan generated CGI action clips.
The biggest problem with this film is it is just dead boring. Do you know what is exciting in a film? If so write a letter to Will Smith and M. Night Shyamalan and tell them what it is, because they both apparently don’t have a clue. They seem to think having Will Smith yell at his son over a radio while the kid wanders around a forest surviving the exciting dangers of cold temperatures and local wildlife is exciting. Sure that worked out in the Grey but that movie had a number of cool supporting characters all dying one at a time in painful and creative ways. It also had Liam Neeson as the main protagonist, not a teenage squeaky voiced kid supported by Will Smith pretending to be the Terminator. The lack of a true antagonist made the plot seem more like watching a dull episode of Survivor Man, and the dysfunctional relationship between the father and son was as sleepy as an episode of Jerry Springer where the entire ensemble dosed Ambien. The kid just doesn’t have the acting chops to carry a film like this solo in my opinion. I should feel guilty for disparaging Jaden Smith’s acting ability, but that kid is 15 years old and richer than I will ever be (at age 15 I was still dumpster diving for aluminum cans for pocket money. He doesn’t need my good opinion to find happyness (haw!)).
A big personal problem I have with this movie is it is another Science Fiction film that treats science like a wad of toilet paper after a particularly messy bout of explosive diarrhea (there’s the scatological joke. All I need now is an obscene one to complete my trifecta). This might get a little boring for those of you without an inclination towards science details, so if you don’t like science skip ahead a couple paragraphs (and savor the irony next time you power up your iPhone).
First of all, asteroids travel through space in very predictable patterns. Furthermore, the are eminently detectable through basic means such as radar. There is no such a thing as an “asteroid storm” that can be triggered by whatever propulsion system you are using (gravametric something, I guess). Also, I’m sure 2,000 kilometers sounds like a huge distance to someone with no idea what they are doing in space, but that is pretty much right on top of something and if you were traveling that close to any large concentration of asteroids (storm or otherwise) I’d say fire your navigator. Also, meteors are relatively common in space. Odds are your high tech ship should have some kind of defense against them.
The writers also seem to think that traveling to Earth from another inhabitable planet is like driving to the 7-11. When we get to Earth it seems that all signs of human civilization can be overgrown by nature’s beauty and all the creatures can evolve into slightly different human killers in about 1,000 years. Sorry that’s not how it works. The planet is a pristine wilderness with no sign of human habitation at all. Also, why abandon it at all if the only issue is some killer baboons? There was something about needing fluid in you lungs in order to breath (???) but that all seems workable. Also somehow over 1,000 years the Earths climate had changed so that it is a beautiful temporate world during the day but cools down to far below zero at night (complete with snow and frost. I guess 1,000 years is plenty of time for the flora and fauna to adapt to that) but there are thermal vents and hot lava all over the place to help Kitai not freeze (where was this taking place, Hawaii?)
Final thing before I get into the story is if you have ever wanted to know what Dianetics is about but like me swore to never again read another L. Ron Hubbard book after grinding through Battlefield Earth (five of the worst books I have ever read) then this film has you covered. There is a lot of talk about fear and how it is only a creation of the imagination. I don’t know if Will Smith is a Scientologist but I think he might gain some fans from that church.
Sigh. The movie. It starts off with an annoying monolog by Jaden Smith (The Karate Kid, the Day the Earth Stood Still, the Pursuit of Happyness) about how Earth was destroyed by humanity (how, exactly?) forcing us all to abandon the planet (all 5+ billion? No one at all opted to try to make it on Earth?) and the creation of the Rangers in order to find homes for everyone. Once out in the universe humans are attacked by aliens called Ursa’s who look a little like a giant human centipede made out of Gollums and who can smell the pheromones created by fear. The Rangers discover that if they can completely control fear the are literally invisible to the aliens (does that sound a little weird to anyone else? The aliens literally cannot see a human that is not experiencing fear. How then does it not constantly runing into rocks and the like? Is it smelling the fear of the tree it just didn’t smash into? It is implied that their fear sense is genetically created in order to hunt down humans, but if that is the case why fear? What happens if a human is asleep? Do they just walk by? Instead of fear pheromones why not tune your sense of smell to detect…humans?).
Anyway, Jadens character Kitai Raige is in the Ranger academy and just got rejected for advancement for…some reason? The writers of this film obviously feel that plot details are for amateurs. His father Cypher Raige (Will Smith-I, Robot, Men in Black, Wild Wild West) is a general in the Rangers (and also somehow the most awesome human in the history of the universe. His name alone should tell you that) and the guy who invented the no fear thing (called Ghosting). His relationship with his son could be described as frosty, if the relationship between two robots on a car assembly line could be called warm. His wife Faia (Sophie Okonedo-Ace Ventura: When Nature Call, Aeon Flux, Hotel Rwanda) wants them to bond better and suggests taking Kitai on a trip with him to…somewhere? Some other planet I guess. They climb aboard a giant metal stingray and fly off.
There is an Ursa in a Dr. Suess pod in the hold. The ship’s propulsion system triggers an asteroid storm (just typing that makes me want to scrape my fingernails off) and the ship has to FTL somewhere quick. Naturally instead of heading to it’s point of origin it chooses Earth, a Class One Quarantine World where it has the most boring crash landing ever (seriously, you couldn’t even give us a cool crash? That’s another thing The Grey had that this one lacks. Having your protagonist wake up after a crash is dead boring). Somehow Cypher managed to survive being sucked out a hull breach with only two broken legs. Kitai survives fine, while the entire rest of the crew dies horribly.
Naturally the distress beacon was on the tail of the ship, 100km away along with the Ursa. Kitai is sent off with some breathing liquid and a spear (you know, it’s too bad that with all their advanced technology this futuristic society couldn’t come up with some kind of hand held device that projected small metal bits at high velocity. I’m no scientist but I bet something like that could potentially be very damaging to biological creatures. Thank God Kitai had all the best technology of the Roman Empire at his disposal) to recover it. At that point the boredom, which had been trucking along at about a 4.7, ramps up to 11. You know he’s not going to die, so realistically all you are seeing is some kid tramp through a national park. Sure, he gets attacked by some baboons, and picked up by a giant vulture as baby vulture food but helps it out against some kind of giant ocelots (by the way, the vulture later saves his life by building a nest around him and lying on it to keep him warm. Can someone explain how that makes sense?). Turns out Kitai is haunted by the death of his sister. Eventually he makes it to the tail section and has to discover the secret of Ghosting in order to fight the Ursa.
The stars.
I don’t know. I am a fan of Will Smith but there was nothing of the Will Smith I like in this film. No humor or cleverness at all, and nothing to illustrate his acting range. He spent most of the movie looking and acting like an angry wax bust of himself. The special effects weren’t that awesome. The alien looked like someone threw clay at a wall and painted it grey. Nothing you haven’t seen in 100 other alien films. All the other creatures like slight variations of existing Earth creatures. Kind of lazy IMO. I think the only thing I really like was the spear Kitai carried around could morph into all sorts of different weapons. That was kind of cool. One star. The ship was kind of cool looking if you like fish. One star. I suppose I can throw in another one just for the fact that they tried to make a Sci Fi movie and it has been a kind of slow lately in that genre. One star. Total: three stars.
The black holes.
OMG boring. Two black holes. Jaden Smith started the movie with some kind of ill defined accent that faded in and out and ground on my nerves. One black hole. Treating science the way a dingo treats a baby. Two black holes. Dialog from Hell. One black hole. Putting all the character pressure on a kid who doesn’t seem to be able to carry the acting. Also his character was wimpy and hard to identify with. At no point did I remotely care if he lived or died. One black hole. A lot of the film was taken up with preachy monologs, or flashbacks of no purpose. One black hole. Starting the film with an annoying monolog and then never using it again (monologs to establish plot points is a lazy scriptwriters tool). One black hole. As predictable as saying a red stop light will eventually turn green. One black hole. I find the whole “Sci Fi as interpreted by non-Sci Fi people” thing more than a little insulting. One black hole. Total: eleven black holes.
A grand total of eight black holes. It galls me to rip into a Sci Fi movie like this as I want to see more of them being made but we need to keep our standards up. The whole piece appears to be an ego project for Will Smith to showcase himself and his son as super awesome and as such is a waste of time for most of us. How much time do you really want to spend watching video of your coworkers 8 year old kid in a 3rd grade production of Food and Nutrition, the Musical? That’s pretty much what this feels like. I was more than a little shocked to learn this film only ran 100 minutes. Seemed like a lot more than that. Worth seeing at all? Maybe if you have a fantasy about seeing Will Smith with a flattop and/or are a Scientologist. Date movie? Only if being painfully bored turns her on somehow. Bathroom break? From five minutes after the crash until Kitai finds the tail section and the Ursa it is one long bathroom break.
Thanks for reading. Follow me on Twitter if you could @Nerdkungfu. Comments on this film or my review can be posted below. Off topic questions or suggestions can be emailed to [email protected]. Talk to you soon.
Dave
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