White House Down Movie Review
White House Dumb.
I know. I said I would be kinder to Channing Tatum’s next movie after the sense of humor he displayed in his role in This is the End, but when faced with a lame horse the kindest thing you can do is deliver a bullet quickly. I’ll try to be nicer in his next one.
I’m really curious as to what exactly the Secret Service did to piss off Hollywood, because this is the third movie in the last two months where terrorists successfully take over the White House in order to control this countries nuclear arsenal and portrays the Secret Service as about as effective as a troupe of septuagenarian crossing guards. I find this more than a little offensive. I am a Secret Service fan. They are super cool and quiet about it. You will never know they exist until you do something to attract their attention, at which time they will truly make you regret it. Movies that put them on the same level as Paul Bart Mall Cop are truly unfair, especially given the dedication they exhibit.
I guess I kind of get it. President Obama has closer ties with Hollywood than any other president and so a lot of Hollywood types are having encounters with the Secret Service. This is probably where the inspiration for this dross comes from, and showing the Secret Service in action as they really should be shown 
(someone opts to mess with the White House and leave ten minutes later feet first. People like Me image courtesy of the Funny T Shirt category) might make for a shortish film (I would see it. Sounds cool to me). I guess they need to ramp down their competence in order to make for some kind of drama, but honestly that’s just lazy. A smart writer would develop better villains rather than dumber agents, but writing stuff is hard work (anyone else remember In the Line of Fire? There’s a villain worthy of the Secret Service).
So, White House Down. I suppose you could enjoy it if you can buy the fact that the White House can be taken down with a half dozen guys who start with one pistol between them. If all you want is guys shooting stuff this one could work for you. The are explosions, a tank, helicopters crashing, my dream girl Maggie Gyllenhaal (for the love of God, someone invent a time machine so I can go back to before she was married and get rejected by her. At least I can say I tried. No self esteem issue here), and like all other films of this particular ilk the fate of the world boils down to a fist fight between two meat heads. The plot holes run thick and fast but if there is one thing I know the film industry seems cool with it is a script that can double as a colander.
If you have seen Olympus Has Fallen skip the next few paragraphs. This film starts out with President Sawyer (Jamie Foxx-Django Unchained, Collateral, Ray) announcing his controverseal plan to withdraw all troops from the Middle East and getting pressure back from the military industrial complex (no secret message, agenda, or wishful thinking here folks). Meanwhile Capital Policeman Cale (Channing Tatum-21 Jump Street, Magic Mike, The Vow) is protecting the Speaker of the House Raphelson (Richard Jenkins-the Cabin in the Woods, Step Brothers, Jack Reacher). He wants to be in the Secret Service for an ill defined reason and gets his chance. His 11 year old daughter (Joey King-Crazy, Stupid Love, the Dark Night Rises, Oz the Great and Powerful) is a fan girl for the President and the White House and he brings her along.
He gets to interview with Agent Finnerty (Maggie Gyllenhaal-Won’t Back Down, Donnie Darko, Stranger than Fiction) who tells him in no small terms why he is patently unqualified to work for the Secret Service. She then goes to a retirement party for head agent Walker (James Woods-Casino, Videodrome, Once Upon a Time in America), who’s son died on a military mission recently. Meanwhile, a group of white trash trouble makers get into the White House cleverly disguised as a entertainment system installation crew (since when do you need 14 guys to install an projection camera? For that matter it is later established that four of these guys are on the top of the Secret Service watch list. Don’t they do background checks on guys working in the White House? No face recognition software? No cameras in the hallways showing a bunch of guys executing security guards? No locks on the armory doors? How do you use an ICBM to shoot down a passenger jet? The list goes on and on).
The crew takes on the White House and with some inside help manages to kill every Secret Service agent and security guard in like three minutes with no casualties of their own (their amazing shooting and bullet dodging abilities go right out the window as soon as they start shooting at Channing Tatum). Cale was taking a tour with his daughter and manages to rescue the President. At that point it’s just a run and gun action film. Cale and the President sneak around and at one point are driving on the White House lawn, where the National Guard has apparently forgotten how to shoot. Stuff blows up, including a Delta Team that was written to be as stupid as the Secret Service (if one of three attack helicopters gets shot down with surface to air missiles perhaps you should get on the ground and disgorge your men rather than hovering over the roof waiting for more). Turns out the bad guys want to nuke Iran (sort of. Seems like each bad guy had a different goal) which will get us into a nuclear war.
The stars.
Action was decent. One star. Maggie Gyllenhaal. One star. In spite of their choice in scripts I kind of like Channing Tatum and definitely like Jamie Foxx. One star. Total: three stars.
The black holes.
Portraying the Secret Service (and the military, for that matter) like they were all still drunk and hung over from a weekend long party in Columbia. One black hole. Being pretty much a copy of a couple other films. One black hole. Big plot holes. One black hole. The whole premise is weak, and no effort was make to strengthen it. One black hole. Overall I found myself rolling my eyes and groaning a lot. Two black holes. Total: six black holes.
A grand total of three black holes. Not “praying for a merciful death” bad. Not even waste of time and money bad. If you just want some action without a lot of brain activity this will work. I would say this film is perfect for a quiet evening at home with your NetFlix account (or illegal download site). Date movie? Meh. Most girls are not going to really enjoy this film. See it with a guy friend (or a bottle of Scotch). Bathroom break? Any time they cut back to the control center with Maggie Gyllenhaal or the military general that’s your signal that it’s time to cut out and take care of business. Nothing ever seems to happen then.
Thanks for reading. Lots to see this long weekend so hopefully something is good. Follow me on Twitter @Nerdkungfu. Comments on this film or my review can be left right here, and off topic questions or suggestions can be emailed to [email protected]. Talk to you soon.
Dave
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