Robocop Review
It might be “a” Robocop movie but it’s not “my” Robocop movie.
Robocop Image courtesy of the Robocop Official Site.
OK, this film wasn’t the Hoovermatic suckfest I expected it to be. It was well executed, had a story, the action was fun and exciting, and you managed to sort of care about the main character. These are good things. The problem is twofold; first off, it really isn’t any better than the first Robocop and in many ways was just not as good and secondly the political message was forced down our throat with all the subtlety of an appendectomy performed with a Sawsall.
The original Robocop was kind of brilliant for 1987. It had wit, sarcasm, and poked fun at almost all of American culture in a way that made us laugh. Robocop moved and acted as we would expect an all steel man to move; slow and clunky but with the inevitable force of a molasses tsunami. He was nigh indestructible (as long as no one thought of the brilliant plan I like to call “Shoot him in the mouth”), had a very cool gun that was holstered in his thigh, and was effectively a machine that we got to know as a person, not the other way around. He also had some brilliant super polite dialog as he was kicking ass. My favorite Robocop line will always be “Come quietly or there will be…trouble.” Little things like when telling Dick Jones what crime he is being arrested for the penal code appears on Robocop’s monitor. For the level of special effects they had (i.e. no CGI) the movie was amazing.
Much less so here. Instead of being an unlucky cop transferred into the worst precinct in Detroit and getting killed due to lack of police resources he is now a veteran detective who gets blown up by a bad guy in a dopey conspiracy. Instead of being a corpse shanghaied into OCP’s clutches he wakes up as Robocop after his wife signed him over and he has full access to his life before. Much of Robocops trials in regaining his humanity are lost here. Now he moves and jumps like Spider Man because…well why would we want to watch a movie about a walking tank when we can show the world how talented our CGI department is?
Even the environment is lessened. In the first film it seems like OCP is a massive consumer conglomerate running most of America. There are hilarious commercials for bizarre products, the implication that they effectively run the military, and the grim idea that all of American morals and culture have fallen to the wayside (“I’d buy that for a dollar!”).
Now it’s just another company (called OmniCorp. The name change really puzzles me. Were they actively trying to be less cool that the first movie? They referenced Omni Consumer Products at the end of the film but too little too late IMO) trying to sell products. There is some bizarre conspiracy involving changing the perception of Americans with regards to the use of drones, and nothing says excitement like a movie about a marketing campaign. There was none of the cool flair behind the evil powers pulling the strings.
Then there’s the blatant political agenda. It’s clear that when the studio opted to remake Robocop they spared no expense and hired the best guy for the job: some dude no one ever heard of. Jose Padilha is a Brazilian director known for such classics as Elite Squad and Elite Squad: the Enemy Within so it’s obvious why Sony fought so hard to bring him into the project. What they didn’t know was that Jose seems to have an engorged erection about one thing and that’s the evils of drones. He couldn’t have forced his message onto the audience harder if he had burned the words “Drones Suck” into our retinas with lasers and then spent the entire movie poking us all in the side and saying things like “Do you see what I mean about drones? Do you get the message? What do you think about drones? Let’s watch ten minutes of my movie with my laser message superimposed over every scene and then you can tell me what you think about drones again. Have you ever thought about what would happen if a drone accidentally killed you or some children? Did I mention that drones are bad?”
Image courtesy of the Robocop Official Site.
The sad part is honestly I don’t think anyone in America gives a crap about drones. Sure, it’s being debated but no one really thinks the military is going to stop using them. No one has yet suggested that we replace cops with robots even if that were possible. It’s like if I wanted to argue with you about the evils of humans marrying dolphins. Sure, I suppose it’s possible and definitely wrong, but is it really worth hinging your whole movie on? Furthermore, fans of Robocop tend to be fans of Science Fiction and honestly I believe most of us think anything remotely robotic is pretty cool.
As an aside they also hired two writers who have written absolutely nothing of note, unless Starship Troopers and every dumb Robocop made-for-TV project ever count (I actually think Starship Troopers was a crap movie. Where the hell were the power suits?). $120 million budget and one of the writers has this movie listed as his only credit. Sigh.
Finally there is the gigantic elephant in the room: PG-13. I felt my first real qualm about this film when I was watching a trailer and they said in a loud, imposing voice like a missive from God “50,000 volt stun gun!”. Was that supposed to be a selling point for this film? The first film was a masterpiece of making future Detroit into the dystopia all of America knows it is headed to: drugs, guns, shooting people, hookers, blowing people up, more guns, more drugs, more shooting people, and a guy being dissolved alive in a giant vat of toxic waste. The final fight scene where Clarance is beating Robocop to death with a steel bar after shooting his female cop partner in the chest is everything this movie is supposed to be about. I will give the director credit in that he fought hard for an R rating but the studio forced the PG-13 after he went grossly over budget. I will say it was as close to an R rating as I have seen a PG-13 film go, but after a while the cleanliness of every scene and the safe, non-threatening way everything dies really sucks the fun out of the action.
The story. In spite of massive support from the O’Reilly show (I’m sorry, Novak Report) starring Pat Novak (Samuel L Jackson-Pulp Fiction, the Incredibles, Django Unchained) OmniCorp (just typing that bugs me) can’t seem to find the support to put drone cops on the street in USA. CEO Raymond Kellers (Michael Keaton-Batman, Speechless, Multiplicity) needs find a way to sway popular opinion in his direction and comes up with the idea of half robot, half cop. Meanwhile Detective Alex Murphy (Joel Kinnaman-the Killing, Safe House, Easy Money) is on the trail of gun runner Anton Vallon (Patrick Garrow-Childstar, 16 Blocks, Blindness). He and his partner Jack Lewis (Michael K. Williams-the Road, Snitch, Gone Baby Gone) fail to make the bust and suspect Anton has police help. Anton opts to kill Alex and blows him up in front of his wife and kid (Abbie Cornish-Sucker Punch, Limitless, Bright Star and John Paul Ruttan-This Means War, the Two Mr. Kissels, Defendor (<–awesome movie BTW)).
So Raymond convinces Clara to sign over Alex and with the help of Dr. Dennett Norton (Gary Oldman-the Fifth Element, the Professional, Lawless) plug Alex into Robocop. He freaks out upon waking (for whatever reason he hates the idea of being made super strong, fast, and nearly indestructible. No pleasing some people). He opts to play ball but goes through an extensive testing and evaluation period. The guy who programed the drones Rick Mattox (Jackie Earle Haley-Shutter Island, Watchmen, Lincoln) hates Robocop and wants him to fail. In order to get him to pass Norton reprograms Alex, effectively taking away his free will.
Alex goes back to Detroit and is reunited with his family. The next morning in order to have him not have his emotions cause the his computer malfunction (?) Nortan has to crank him into super computer guy. He goes out and starts arresting people. Eventually he is reminded of his humanity and opts to solve his own attempted murder. Naturally he is betrayed by OmniCorp and has to fight to save his life. Things get blown up, people get shot, and we are all reminded how evil drones are.
The stars.
The CGI was pretty cool actually. Lots of drones, lots of action. One star. 
Our old friend the ED-209 makes a welcome and extended appearance without being tweaked too much (ED-209 image courtesy of the Movie T Shirt category). They did lame it up a little by calling the humanoid robots ED-208, like OmniCorp designed a man shaped drone and then the very next robot in the series was a giant preying mantis looking thing but whatever. One star. I have to say I love the cast. I like Michael Keaton a lot and thought Joel Kinneman was pretty good. Samuel Jackson is a welcome sight in any movie where he does not play a Jedi. One star. Story wasn’t horrible. Not as cool as the first one but still decent. One star. While not as good, cool, or well written as the first one it was at least decent. I hesitate to call it a fitting tribute but at least it didn’t insult the original. One star. The fight scene at towards the end between Robocop and a bunch of ED-209s was particularly entertaining. One star. In general fun and entertaining in a bland, safe way. Two stars. Total: eight stars.
The black holes.
There are two gigantic flies in this otherwise blandly inoffensive soup and that is PG-13 rating and the “Drones is bad” political message. I can’t decide which one bugged me more (haw!). Two stars. Is it fair to compare this film to the original? Damn straight it is, and in comparison this film is not as fun, funny, interesting, or timeless by a long shot. One black hole. While the story didn’t suck if you really look into it there are a lot of weaknesses, like how does a corrupt cop think stealing guns from an evidence locker and selling them on the street is even remotely a good idea? How about you drop this PG-13 nonsense and go back to drugs, the real issue that makes sense to we the audience. One black hole. The having Alex start off human instead of being a bad ass robot really robbed his redemption of oomph. Instead of clawing back to being human he just sort of went into a walking coma for a while. One black hole. Total: six black holes.
A total of two stars. Meh. If there were no 1987 Robocop and this movie came out I would probably have enjoyed it more. It still was kind of bland. If for some idiotic reason you never saw the original odds are you suck but would probably enjoy this one quite well. For fans of the original I think you need to see it but just remember that it is not your Robocop. I’d say it’s worth watching. Date movie? Probably not. More of a dudes film. Bathroom break? Most of the meetings between Raymond and his marketing staff are pretty disposable. Honestly any scene that doesn’t have Robocop in it could be missed with impunity.
Thanks for reading. Looks like Hell Week is starting for me, as I have nothing but Winters Tale, Endless Love, and About Last Night to watch. Each of them looks like a different slice of the pain pie for a macho dude such as myself. I hope you readers are grateful for the sacrifices I make for you (especially any hot single female ones, if you know what I mean). I’m in Las Vegas at a trade show for a most of this week but will try to sneak away and catch a flick. I’ll see Winters Tale tonight. I hope it doesn’t cause my penis to fall off. Look for that review tomorrow. Follow me on Twitter @Nerdkungfu. Comments about this film and my review are welcome and can be left here. Off topic questions or suggestions can be emailed to [email protected]. Talk to you soon.
Dave
Vampire Academy
Enough with the ******* vampires!
I now look upon Hollywood’s desperation to launch anther teen franchise with the same contempt I reserve for losers who spend all their money on Lottery tickets. Sure, they have all failed miserably to produce results but THIS time it’s going to be a winner. Face it guys. Twilight and Harry Potter won the lottery. It’s a miracle lightning struck twice. You literally have a higher chance of being hit by a meteor, and a massively higher chance of sending all your money into a black hole never to see it again. The studios would be better served spending all their money on King Cobra and cigarillos.
(That reminds me. What is the Mega Jackpot up to? I better grab my tickets.)
That being said I think I can say the Vampire Academy is the best of the worst. Oh, it’s horrible in every way that you can imagine mixing the lamest elements of Twilight, Mean Girls, Buffy, and Bloodsport can be. The vampires still suck (haw!), the script should have spontaneously combusted out of shame (and possibly did), the “male” actors are mostly sizzle chested man/boys, and the girls all manage to make you hate them with the burning passion of 10,000 suns in spite of the fact that they are all drop dead gorgeous. You know, a typical Twilight movie or Tuesday at any white suburban high school (that’s sort of FTW in a weird way). However in the Valley of the Blind the slightly less migraine inducing teeny bopper launch movie is king. I’m saying in looking back at all the other “This film is the new Twilight ” movies that have come out in the last few years this one may just be the best. I resent the time and money spent watching it less than I did the Host, Mortal Instruments, Percy Jackson, I am Number Four, and Green Lantern (technically Green Lantern really wasn’t an attempt at grabbing teenagers (or anyone actually living on this planet). I just really resent it) so I guess that’s sort of a recommendation? Sort of in the same way I would recommend you jump into a pit full of scorpions and used syringes if your only other choice was a pit full of acid, burning napalm, and Andy Dick.
Wow this is weird. I just looked up the director of this canker and discovered he actually did direct Mean Girls. I guess he’s not going to travel much outside of his comfort zone. I’m going to put this movie not making me want to kill anyone (more than a typical day, I mean) on the fact that it was released by the Weinstein Company. I guess I respect them on some level. They do a lot of cool, smart, smaller movies and Harvey Weinstein knows how to make a film. The writer of this did Heathers, Demolition Man, and Batman Returns (Danny Divito Batman, NOT Batnipple Batman. That’s enemy of all things cool Joel Schumacher) so I guess he’s decent?
I’d also like to comment on the acting in this film. It wasn’t great. It wasn’t even particularly good. However, it was functional and when it comes to films of this ilk that’s about as good as we can get. It’s obvious that the producers strapped Zoey Deutch into a chair with her eyeballs wired open Clockwork Orange style and forced her to watch every episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer ever (even Where the Wild Things Are). Like I have said before imitating something halfway decent can sometimes result in something tolerable. Most of the people in this movie were given a set of programming (or just arrived at the casting office with the program already running) for their characters and ran the length of the movie on it. Not awesome but not not seizure inducing.
I remember when I reviewed Mortal Instruments bitching about the fact that the film creators assumed we had all done a doctoral thesis on the rules and intricacies of demons and slayers. Without a reasonable understanding of why the characters do what they do and what the endgame for each move is it’s hard to stay in the theater. Well, looks like screenplay writer Daniel Waters is among the tens of regular readers I have as he hooked up the exposition fire hose and spent about 2/3rds of the movie shooting the audience in the face with it. By the end of the film you will understand every nuance and subtlety of being a vampire in the world created by Richelle Mead, knowledge that will be of great use when the studio opts to let this series die a meandering death and never make the sequel (opening weekend gross: $3.9 million. Give me a budget and I could get that much filming the homeless people rooting through my trashcans).
Also, if you didn’t think movies about teenage girls treating each other like something something stuck on the bottom of their shoe is a pleasurable experience prepare for a kidney stone passing experience. Take all things trite and trivial about being a high school girl and then ad some magic and modest amount of bloodsucking and you have this movie. For the record the vampires in this film are so laughable when compared to their source material you will never feel anything remotely resembling apprehension. Anyone else remember when vampires were something to be feared, not romanced and/or laughed at?
Do I really need to recap the story? Lissa Dragomir (Lucy Fry-no other film credits, and a slew of crappy TV ones. I don’t know if this film will be her springboard) is a good vampire (part of the orientation lectures tells you specific names for the different types of vampires and half vampires but I have already wasted enough brain cells on this film) who is good because she doesn’t kill when she feeds. Rose Hathaway (Zoey Deutch-Beuatiful Creatures, Ringer, Mayer Cupcake) is a half vampire or something and is Lissa’s best friend and bodyguard. Apparently if you are born half vampire you are automatically a slave or something to the full vampires and spend your life as a bodyguard for them, ready at any time to take a stake for them.
Oh, also if you kill while feeding you turn in to a bad vampire called a Strigoi (I only remember this because it is a term used in Warhammer). I found this really confusing to be honest. The drinking of blood from a person who is going to live is not inherently different from the drinking of blood from someone who is about to die. I supposed there is a morality issue that could be associated with damage to your soul but if so what happens if you are at a party (or blood orgy) and you drink from a human who, six vampires later, dies. Do all seven of you turn into Strigoi? What if you drain a human to the point of incapacitation and in his or her lightheadedness they fall off a cliff? If the death changes your soul wouldn’t that be the same as draining them dry? If a moral choice manages to make physiological changes in your body wouldn’t you turn Strigoi if you shot somebody? For that matter it is said that Strigoi are faster, stronger, and most importantly immortal while regular vamps just kind of shuffle off the mortal coil. Sure, they look ugly but why not enjoy your good looks while you are young and then once you start to get a little long in the fang (haw!) go full Strigoi and live forever? Someone look up the definition of “cursed” and email it to the author. In spite of the reams of data force fed to us I’m still confused.
Oh, yeah. Also apparently being fed upon by a good vampire has some kind of narcotic effect and they have humans volunteering all the time, spending a year in the “feeder program”. I don’t want to dump all over the author of this epic (although really, I do) but there is a reason humans can’t really donate more than about a pint of blood every two months. It seems like Lissa needs to feed every day and I’m willing to bet she takes more than a teaspoon full. Oh well. I’m sure no harm could come of giving teenagers misinformation regarding health and safety issues.
Anyway, Lissa and Rose are on the run from the Vampire Academy. Apparently (I’ve noticed the more times I feel compelled to use the word “apparently” in my story recap the weaker the script tends to be. I might be going for a record here) Lissa felt like her life was in danger from something (?) but it might have been stress from being bullied by other students. They get caught by Vampire Academy Secret Police (where the writer proves she has no idea how motorcycles work) and hauled back.
On the way home they get attacked by some Strigoi who want something (? I really don’t know. Maybe they felt a burning desire to keep this film from being godawfully boring) from them but are beaten back by Fabio looking love interest Dimitri (Danila Koszlovsky-My is budushchego, Dikhless, Garpastum (I swear I’m not making those up)), the head vampire slave. The two of them get hauled into the headmistress’s office and read the riot act. Turns out Lissa is the last survivor of the Dragonmir clan and eligible to inherit the throne or something (anyone want to take bets as to whether she get the throne or not? The good news it it looks like we won’t have to find out).
Anyway, at that point the story, which had been chugging along at a fast clip (relative to the land speed Galápagos tortoise) slows down like a car with three flat tires and a fourth tire that is actually a Hefty bag full of treakle and used chewing gum. The girls start going to classes. Lissa spend a lot of time in her magic class (cough cough Harry Potter cough cough) and Rose in her combat bodyguard class (cough cough umm…Buffy meets the 36th Chamber of Shao Lin? cough cough). Oh yeah they share some kind of mental bond where at random (very plot convenient) points Rose can see and feel everything Lissa can but not the other way around. Stuff starts to happen that may be a serious threat to Lissa’s life but may also just be crazy high school vampire hijinx. Lissa’s ex boyfriend (I couldn’t pick him out from the other man/boys if you held a gun to my head. Sorry guy) has a slutty new girlfriend who hates Lissa. Some dude who might have been somehow associated with the school (or may have been just some creepy old dude hanging out with hot high school girls) asks Rose and Lissa to hang out with his daughter Natalie (Sarah Hyland-Modern Family, As the World Turns, Geek Charming). Lissa meets some emo dude (Dominic Sherwood-Not Fade Away, the Cut, Sadie J) and sort of romances.
I don’t really want to get into this any further. Bitchy high school hijinx ensues. There may or may not have been some kind of plot going on. There is some other teacher who Rose knew who opted to go Strigoi and now wants revenge for something (?). The Queen shows up periodically to bitch out and embarrass Lissa. Lissa uses her magic to brainwash herself into popularity. Inappropriate romance blossoms between Rose and the Russian Fabio dude. A lot of film rolls by without anything really happening. The end.
The stars.
I know I said this is the best of the worst, but that is not really star worthy. I’m not in the habit of rewarding relative mediocrity. You can’t just hand out trophies to every kid who plays in Little League, can you? Well, most of the girls were amazingly attractive and if seeing hot high school girls in sexy ass Catholic school girl uniforms does it for you fuhgettaboutit. Of course this film suffers under the PG-13 rating like like a fragile oceanic eco system under a crude oil spill so don’t go waiting for anything higher than mid thigh. One star. In spite of the brain aneurism inducing script the acting, editing, and pacing were adequate. This puts this movie miles above such classics as the Host.. I guess I am in the habit of rewarding relative mediocrity. One star. There were a couple of laughable moments. Few and far between but I did catch myself laughing out loud (much to my embarrassment). One star. Total: three stars.
The black holes.
Story from Hell (possibly literally. If Satan were to take up scriptwriting this just might be the story he comes up with). One black hole. The director collected all of the vampire lore this movie ripped off or made up into a 50 gallon drum and then held the audiences head under it for about 55 minutes. One black hole. Speaking of ripping off, this film managed to “borrow” heavily from every vampire, high school, and teenage romance film, book, or play ever 
with the grievous and ironic exception of Bram Stoker’s Dracula (image courtesy of the Horror Movie T Shirt category). One black hole. The motorcycle stunt from the beginning of the film (if you see it you will both understand and agree with me). One black hole. The big bad guy doesn’t really get introduced until the last 20 minutes. Until then it’s just HS BS. One black hole. What’s the deal with the half vamps getting shanghaied into taking a stake for the good vampires? Isn’t there one of those kids who wants to be an artist, doctor, or pot head? One black hole. Can someone please tell me where the good vampires got the idea that going Strigoi was a bad idea? If your options are to go teetering off into senility and death or killing someone and becoming a red eyed immortal monster I think after 70+ years the decision process could be pretty quick. In fact, the one thing all the exposition did was convince me that I not only don’t give a crap about these vampires and their rules but don’t have any interest in learning it ever. It’s like reading an instruction manual on how to punch yourself in the testicles. One black hole. Hollywood really needs to let go of the two ideas that they can launch another franchise based on the “Bland teenage girl with two romances from guys who’s interest in women is difficult to establish” and that vampires are even remotely cool. Face it guys. All the freaks who love vampires probably killed themselves at the end of Twilight when they realized that in four very long movies absolutely nothing happened. One black hole. PG-13 sucks. One black hole. This movie is 104 minutes you won’t be getting back. Two black holes. Total: eleven black holes.
So a total of eight black holes. Still not worse than Hercules but in the ballpark. Worth seeing? If you are a huge fan of the books maybe, but other than that the only other reason I can think of for seeing this is if you died the night before in the theater and the ushers haven’t noticed yet. However, it is certainly better than all the rest of the failed franchise launches so if you want to see it for some kind of sociological research go for it. Date movie? Well, the male characters with the exception of the Russian guy have all the machismo of the Vagina Monologs so you should be able to look kind of manly in comparison, but odds are if you either suggest or agree to this film there is a part of her brain that will be thinking “WTF is up with this guy?”. Pass. Bathroom break? Oh, pretty much any time you see a scene with actors in it.
Thanks for reading. I really didn’t expect this one to ramble on this long but it’s 12:49am on Febuary 15th and I’m working on this instead of being out with a Valentine so I guess I’m trying to convince myself I have a life. Follow me on Twitter @Nerdkungfu. If you have a comment about this film I pity you but feel free to leave it here. Off topic questions or suggestions should be emailed to [email protected]. Talk to you soon.
Dave
Star Trek Retrospective: Episode 61 Spectre of the Gun
Now we are looking good. This episode is easily my favorite of Season 3 and made number 3 on my top 10 list. When I flash back to my childhood and the images that stick with me the shot of Kirk, Spock, McCoy, and Scotty at the OK Corral standing in front of the wood fence while Wyatt Earp and his gang shoot through them into the fence is near the top of the list.
I also think this is an episode which shows how well the Star Trek crew did their best with no budget. They basically borrowed a bunch of props from the western being filmed in the next studio and built their set with like $200 worth of 2x4s. By writing the unreal nature of the reality the crew was dealing with these budget limitations enhanced rather than detracted from image. The familiarity of the old West set combined with the unfinished buildings showing the orange alien sky was pretty awesome.
I also think that this episode had some of the best camera work of the series. Watch the scene leading up to the gunfight and you will see use of camera angle and perspective that is really impressive. Of course a lot of it is old hat now but this was 40 years ago. They really did some very cool things with the camera and limited special effects.
Finally, this is another Star Trek episode that predicted the future of human technology. Specifically they predicted the creation of virtual reality, or at least video game avatars. If only the show hadn’t been cancelled who knows where we would be technologically? Of course by the end of Season 3 we were seeing Abe Lincoln in space so odds are Seasons 4 and 5 would have had stories that make most Star Trek /slash porn seem reasonable.
Image courtesy of the Star Trek T Shirt category.
Dave
The Monuments Men Review
I’m at a loss as to whether I like it or not.
Image courtesy of the Monuments Men Official Web Site.
On paper it seems like I should love this film. It has some of my favorite actors in it. Clooney, Goodman, Murray, and Damon rock. Kate Blanchet is very easy on the eyes, even when playing a stuck up Parisian. I love World War II movies. I love movies from real stories. I studied art and in spite of many hours of painful Art History lessons I love art.
So why am I not gushing all over this film? This is one of those movies that is going to suffer the death of 1,000 cuts. There is no one thing that brings it down but rather a million little pinpricks that cause it to bleed all over the screen. It’s hard to nail down but there is just something off about it.
I suppose I should have had some warning when they started running trailers for this film almost a year ago. In the bizarre idiot savant genius that is only enjoyed by Hollywood studio marketing departments the ad people can sniff out a dud far in advance and start advertizing the crap out of it, hoping to pin the movie in the minds of the audience before actual word of mouth poisons it. Ever notice that the really great films hardly advertize at all? I know I am more sensitive to this as I see every movie out there and have watched the Monuments Men trailers about 800 times but I just don’t understand how it is the marketing people can feel a bad movie coming on like an impending bowel blockage but the directors, producers, and studio executives keep packing away the cheese and red meat.
Not to say that this film is bad. It’s just mediocre, and given the tools they had that makes it very disappointing. If you enter the Indy 500 in a ’79 Thunderbird no one is going to blame you for coming in dead last. However if you enter it in the latest hi tech Formula 1 car and spend the whole race doing donuts on the midway I think some of the failure blame may land fairly in your lap.
This film has the stench of a pet project on it, and since it was written by, directed by, and starred in by the same man I think we can guess who’s pet it is. The biggest identifiable problem is that he honestly tried to do too much in all ways. He has some of the best character actors in the business but didn’t have the time to actually let any of them develop a character, leaving them all bizarrely flat and one dimensional. He tried to add some away from home angst in a really out of place scene that added nothing (which was exacerbated by the fact that without any character development we didn’t care about Bill Murray’s character enough for it to have impact). The film was a “sort of” project. It was sort of a war movie, sort of a buddy movie, sort of a romantic drama, sort of a National Treasure-esque treasure hunt, sort of a Holocaust movie, sort of a celebration of the French resistance, sort of a historical drama, sort of a character study, and sort of an action drama. Unfortunately it did none of those particularly well.
Image courtesy of the Monuments Men Official Site
Also unfortunately it was sort of boring. Drama and dialog only work if there are characters for us to connect with, and with our focus split six different ways the drama had zero impact. The war action in this war movie was perfunctory at best. There were only two “battle” scenes, one of which ended comedically, and both of them were criminally short with no gravitas. The one death scene was the character we had the least connection to (and that is saying a lot). I honestly think that with a few tweaks this film could have gotten a PG rather than PG-13 rating to allow the next generation to get bored too.
I can almost see the arguments wherein an executive producer is begging and cajoling Clooney to include one stinking battle scene and George is refusing to sully the vision of his opus. The entire last half of the movie seems to be gearing up towards a big confrontation with the closest thing to an antagonist, the Russian treasure hunter, but the exact moment when a veteran movie goer expects the scene instead we get a shot of the guys driving across the German countryside into Blue Ball City.
The story is of the Monuments Men, a group of soldiers tasked by President Roosevelt to save and recover great pieces of art stolen by the Germans. They are led by art professor Frank Stokes (George Clooney-Gravity, Oh Brother, Where Art Thou, Up in the Air) and artist James Granger (Matt Damon-Saving Private Ryan, Good Will Hunting, the Departed). The team is comprise of architect Richard Campbell (Bill Murray-Moonrise Kingdom, Groundhog Day, Lost in Translation), sculpture Walter Garfield (John Goodman-Monsters, Inc, Argo, the Big Lebowski), painter Preston Savitz (Bob Balaban-Close Encounters of the Third Kind, Moonrise Kingdom, Gosford Park), British guy Donald Jeffries (Hugh Bonneville-Downton Abbey, Tomorrow Never Dies, Notting Hill), and French guy Jean Claude Clermont (Jean Dujardin-the Artist, the Wolf of Wall Street, 99 francs).
They go out into the world and split up in order to have 14 more WWII subplots. None of the individual scenes really have much to do with the main story and could be taken as individual vignettes. James Granger heads into Paris (which may or may not have been occupied. Timing seemed really vague in this film) to meet up with an old art contemporary Claire Simone (Cate Blanchett-LOTR, The Curious Case of Benjamin Button, Blue Jasmine). She worked with the Nazi in charge of stealing all the art Viktor Stahl (Justus Von Dohnanyi-The World is Not Enough, Downfall, the Experiment) and has information that would really help the Monuments Men find the art (sort of. Honestly after about half the movie wooing the info out of here I thought it pretty worthless) but for some inexplicable reason would rather let Hitler burn it all or something. I guess to help create drama?
Anyway Jeffries wanders off to find a Michelangelo sculpture and gets shot (supposedly. From what I saw the sound of the Germans pistol might have given him a cardiac arrest. PG-13 and all that). Garfield and Clermont wander around the countryside and stumble upon some Germans who shoot the Frenchman (as an aside, if you weren’t American in this film your days were numbered). Savitz and Campbell stumble upon Stahl in what is easily the best scene in the film and arrest him. Stokes and crew start finding art hidden in salt mines and the like. Meanwhile an evil Russian team is also looking for art to steal. Both teams seem to be headed towards the same Bavarian castle and copper mine where the greatest art piece ever is stored and in a truly edge of the seat, leave finger prints imbedded in the armrest from gripping it so hard scene the Americans leave with all the art about ten minutes before the Russians arrive. The end.
The stars.
You cannot help but love the cast. Even in mediocre movies they shine like diamonds. I was especially glad to see Bill Murray again. Three stars. Based on a true story. One star. I like the idea that some art is worth risking your life to save. There was a noble overriding message I can’t help but appreciate. One star. WWII movies hearken me back to one of the few positive interactions I can recall with my father, who loved WWII. One star. If you go in looking for more history than drama and action you will enjoy it. One star. Total: seven stars.
The black holes.
The tonal shift really kept throwing me out of the theater. It was like watching the first ten minutes of seven different films over and over again. One black hole. The lack of any kind of real character development and the fact that they split all the character time between six or seven different characters meant I never connected with any of them. I felt more sadness seeing some great works of art burned then I did seeing the two dudes die. You can’t give me two minutes to form a bond with a character and then expect me to give a damn when he dies. 
I’ve had stronger connections with individual Stormtroopers (Trooper image courtesy of the Star Wars T Shirt category). One black hole. Pacing was awful. 118 minutes of Act II with no real conclusion, no continuity, and no connection to the rest of the war. You jumped from scene to scene with a little subtitle placard and were expected to buy into the fact that we didn’t need to see anything in between. The film doesn’t feel like it ended so much as they just ran out of film. One black hole. The Claire Simone segments were particularly worthless. She contributed next to nothing besides a pretty female face in a sea of dudes. What was her motivation? Did we need to learn about her brother? Was the data she gave them really of any value in the long run? Was she a love interest or not? One black hole. No action to speak of. They bought all the guns and uniforms. Didn’t they feel any interest in at least having one thing remotely exciting happen? One black hole. They ripped off about 80 other WWII and treasure hunt movies. You know that trope where a guy steps on a mine but it won’t go off until he takes his weight off of? The one in every bad war movie ever? Well apparently so does George Clooney. One black hole. Total: six black holes.
So a total of one star, which in my book is a very mediocre score. I don’t know. Maybe my mom will love it, but honestly I think Clooney needs to have a more concrete vision of what his next movie is supposed to be before starting it.. Having a movie about art suddenly shift into finding 50 gallon drums full of gold teeth collected from concentration camps speaks loudly of “Late Night Inspiration Disease” where the writer/director/star of this masterpiece spends the evening watching Schindler’s List and wakes up at 3am in a creative sweat and writes down the first thing that comes to mind on his bedside legal pad. Worth seeing? I will say it’s not worth not seeing. If there is nothing else on and you roll into the theater with your expectations set low enough you will probably enjoy it. Odds are the biggest problem facing my enjoyment of it was the 800 Monuments Men trailers I have watched over the last 14 months. Sometimes advertizing can have a negative effect. Date movie? Meh. I suppose. This is one of those perfect relationship date movies where you and your significant other will feel equally annoyed at the film for different reasons. A good compromise always leaves both parties vaguely dissatisfied. Bathroom break? There is a date scene with Claire towards the end that could be missed without much impact.
Thanks for reading. I’m still riding the high I felt from watching the Lego Movie, but have Vampire Academy on deck for tonight so by this time tomorrow should be back to my miserable self (unless Vampire Academy surprises me by being good and fun to watch, but that would be a moot point as by the time I got to writing the review all causality would have already imploded). Follow me on Twitter @Nerdkungfu. Comments on this film or my review are invited and can be left here. Off topic questions or suggestions can be emailed to [email protected]. Have a great night.
Dave
Star Trek Retrospective: Episode 62 Day of the Dove
This is one of my favorite episodes from season 3. As a kid I just liked all the violence. The Klingon commander was pretty awesome, and had one of my favorite quotes from all of Star Trek:
Kirk: Go to the devil!
Commander Kang: We have no devil, Kirk. But we understand the habits of yours. I shall torture you to death one by one until your noble captain cries enough. Who will be first?
Spoken with the perfect amount of menace. I also love any episode where Spock has to use logic and propose hypothesis. (I couldn’t find a good image of Kang in the Star Trek T-Shirts, but I did find Kor).
It’s also funny how your perceptions change over time. As a kid and young adult I never really had much of a problem with the interaction between Chekov and Mara, but now as an adult and much more open minded and sensitive individual (yes I am, dammit! Shut up!) I now realize it was pretty much the first part of a rape and find it seriously disturbing. Of course Chekov was under the influence of an alien creature, but still. Not something I’m happy to see one of my childhood heroes doing.
I’d also like it noted that even as a kid I noticed that the mysterious “Security Alert” button that Kirk touched on his communicator was in fact just him tapping the side of the device. I love Star Trek but am not blind to it’s stupidities.
Dave
The Lego Movie Review
Everything is Awesome!
Image courtesy of the Lego Movie Official Site
OK this movie would have had to try really, really hard to get me to dislike it. If I were to sing the Dave version of My Favorite Things the list would include Lego, Batman, Star Wars, stop motion animation, wizards, dragons, pirates, robots, cyborgs, evil geniuses bent on world domination, cowboys, and spaceships and this movie had all those things rolled together. However, even if it weren’t the visual representation of the Dave Skinner box in my head I would still love this film because it is amazingly creative, fun, funny, and in all ways imaginative.
I admit I had my trepidations. I have seen other cherished childhood toys taken out of the box and forced onto the screen dressed up in creepy clothes and makeup like a 5 year old entered into a child beauty pageant by her overbearing mother. G.I. Joe, Transformers, Battleship, Smurfs, and the Garbage Pail Kids are all toys who were touched inappropriately by Hollywood much to my dismay (well, Smurfs was OK, but still. Also they started as a cartoon). Does anyone else remember when toys would come from movies, not the other way around?
Fortunately Lego has managed to create something wonderful without destroying the love of their toys in my and many other adults and children minds. Frequent readers of my blog may well think that Star Trek was the only light in the darkness of my childhood otherwise filled with bullies, fights, alienation, disdain from my so-called peers, feelings of inadequacy, mean dogs, uncaring adults, illegal fireworks, and frequent injury but I can say that Lego was my other life preserver. I would spend hours a day building forts, castles, houses, robots, tanks, cars, planes, spacecraft, and more robots (I really liked robots). It was the one thing my parents got me each birthday and Xmas. I think they liked it because it kept me out of their hair.
If I were to really break it down I guess I could say that Star Trek was the role model that taught me about how to be a decent, honorable, brave human and Lego was where I practiced it. I actually created my own game using dice could occupy myself endlessly with it. Oddly enough I never mixed the two. I never did Star Trek with Lego. I don’t know why.
Incidentally I still have my entire massive collection and still buy the occasional set, just to keep my hand in as it were. Usually a Star Wars set, and once in a while when I’m feeling lonely, bored, or depressed (usually right after getting rejected by someone) I will bust them out and recreate another Battle for Post-Apocalyptic Legoland.
What was I supposed to be doing here? Oh, yeah the movie. Freaking amazing in all ways. Maybe not as top shelf as Wreck It Ralph but the nostalgia value and personal love elevate this film dramatically. As a burned out emotionless husk of a human the times when movies make me feel anything at all are rare gems. Usually the best I can hope for is a fleeting hint of an adrenaline rush of excitement, or a sad moment when someone dies in a noble way. As I left the theater for the Lego Movie I had a big dopey smile on my face and was humming the theme song. I had a bizarre, alien uplifting feeling and suddenly realized the film had made me happy. Even now thinking about it I have a warm feeling in my heart and am fighting a strange impulse turn on some beat heavy electronica and dance in my office.
Image courtesy of the Lego Movie Official Site
The story starts off with main bad guy Lord Business (Will Ferrell-Zoolander, Stranger than Fiction, Anchorman) stealing the Kragle, the most deadly item in the Lego universe. Vitruvius (Morgan Freeman-the Shawshank Redemption, Now You See Me, Olympus has Fallen) tries to stop him but gets blinded and Business gets away. Skip forward 8 1/2 years and meet Emmet Brickowski (Chris Pratt-Parks and Rec, Delivery Man, Her), a Lego construction worker who lives in a happy, controlled city under the benevolent guidance of President Business. He works on a construction site building Lego skyscrapers and singing the main theme song along with all the rest of the city.
As work ends he notices a girl digging at the site. It is Wildstyle (Elizabeth Banks-What to Expect when You’re Expecting, Pitch Perfect, The Hunger Games: Catching Fire) and Emmet falls in love with her at first site. While chasing after her he falls and comes across the Piece of Resistance, a mystical item that is said to the the only thing that can stop the Kragle. He touches it and passes out.
Image courtesy of The Lego Movie Official Site
He wakes up in a prison being interrogated by Bad Cop (Liam Neeson- the Grey, Taken 2, Wrath of the Titans). He has the Piece of Resistance glued to his back. He gets rescued by Wildstyle, Vitruvius, and best of all Batman (Will Arnett-Blades of Glory, Ratatouille, Arrested Development. By the way, now that I love him in this film do I feel like crap for dumping on his last animated venture the Nut Job? Nope! That movie still sucked). He lives a moment lifted directly from my life when he learns the love of his life has a much cooler boyfriend in Batman.
Honestly I’m not going to go into the whole story as it is super cool and you should all go see it. They travel around meeting a bunch of other Master Builders, including Unikitty (Alison Brie-the Five Year Engagement, Community, the Kings of Summer), Metal Beard (Nick Offerman-Parks and Rec, We’re the Millers, 21 Jump Street), and my personal favorite 1980 Something Space Guy (Charlie Day-It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia, Horrible Bosses, Pacific Rim). The story is surprisingly cool and complicated, the jokes are amazing (keep an eye out for the blade joke), and if you are a fan of Lego from back in the day you will love every second of it.
Hellooo ladies!
I don’t do my usual stars and black holes for kids movies. I generally base the reviews on how the kids in the audience were reacting and to a child they were going bat5%$& crazy. They loved it and so did I. Should you see it? Duh. That’s like asking yourself if you should keep on processing oxygen. If you have a soul and enjoy happiness then yes. Yes you should. Date movie? If you bring a girl with a sense of humor to this film and you don’t get laid check your pulse because you might have died a few years ago and have been living on as a rotting zombie. Heck, I think even I could have gotten laid had I had the foresight to bring a girl with me (well, maybe. I dream of one day having the sex appeal of a rotten animated corpse. Dream image courtesy of the zombie t shirt catgory). Bathroom break? Hold it. It’s only 100 minutes and every second is packed with cool stuff. If this is a problem you might want to bring along your Truckers Friend.
Thanks for reading. This film was fun to see and review. Makes me glad I do what I do. Look for my review for for Monument Men tomorrow. I think I am going to have to see Vampire Academy so you can enjoy me projectile vomiting all over my keyboard on Monday. Follow me on Twitter @Nerdkungfu. Comments on this film or my review are welcome and can be left here. Off topic questions or suggestions should be emailed to [email protected]. Talk to you soon.
Dave
Star Trek Retrospective: Episode 63 For the World is Hollow and I Have Touched the Sky
This episode has always been one of great confusion for me. I never actually saw it as a kid. The network that showed my Start Trek reruns opted out of doing this one (and a few more I guess). The thing is I used to buy up sci fi paperbacks at the thrift store for $.10 each and anything with the word Star Trek on it went home with me. I once picked up a book of episodes and read them back to back. When I got to this this one I had my first very horrible moment of doubt as to my validity as a Trekker (that moment would be repeated ad nauseum at my first five Star Trek conventions). How could I have not seen this episode? Is it possible I had forgotten it?
This is one of those episodes that looks a lot better written down than actually performed. I quite enjoyed the story and found the concept fascinating. Generation ships is probably exactly how we are going to colonize the universe so it is highly relevant. Seen on the screen in the order that the show was presented had a much lower enjoyment factor. Pacing was really kind of off, Kirk hammed it up even more than usual, and the costumes looked like the props guy raided his mothers sleepwear collection. Also the concept of a primitive society being under the thrall of a super computer had been so beaten into the ground that as a trope it was only outdone by the Red Shirt dying a horrible death. (Ensign Ricky image courtesy of the Star Trek T-Shirt collection)
That being said a bad day of watching Star Trek beats a good day of most anything else. To be honest more mediocre than bad, and the whole brain hook up thing was another Star Trek technological prophesy about to come to fruition (cough cough Google Glass cough cough).
Dave
The Nut Job Review
Sometimes you feel like a nut, but after this movie you won’t.
It’s a weird phenomenon that occurs for me whenever I go to see a kids film I know ahead of time is supposed to suck. I walk in with my talons out and my canines sharpened in anticipation of mauling the latest crime against developing children’s brains but then as the other kiddie movie trailers start rolling by I feel myself ease up on it. “It’s a kids movie for Christs sake” I can hear myself think. “It has cartoons and celebrity voices. How bad could it possibly be?”
Image courtesy of the Nut Job Official web site.
Well, two hours pass and by the end of it I usually have my answer. In most cases it’s the writing and super pandering nature but oddly enough in this film it’s the characters. You see, most movies (grown up films included) have what is commonly known as a protagonist. This mythological creature is generally made to be somehow likeable and sympathetic. The goal is to have the audience identify and connect with this individual in an attempt to make us care about what happens to him or her and thus enjoy the movie.
Such doddering outdated movie concepts are too old school for director Peter Lepeniotis, the David Lynch of children movies. Instead of creating a character we can all like he seems to be set on creating the most unlikable cartoon character since Scrappy Doo. Surly Squirrel has a reprehensible selfish personality, speaks the dialog of a sociopathic mafia hit man, has the voice characterization of a sexual predator (sorry Will Arnett. I actually am a fan of yours but you play creepy jerks the best and thanks to this film I now know it’s mostly your voice), and looks literally like a diseased rodent. There is nothing to like about him and you spend most of the film hoping he gets run over. For that matter why name him Surly unless you wanted us to hate him?
This failure in the art and casting department carries over to the rest of the cast as well. Surly’s best friend Buddy (oh, I see what they did there) is a mute rat who looks like the cartoon equivalent of a meth addict. The girl (not really love interest. No such thing as romance here) squirrel is a shrill version of Surly with a conscious, the bad guy oozes evil on the screen with every syllable, most of the rest of the crew are attempting to see who remembers the Three Stooges, and the human villains are ridiculous caricatures. The only character even remotely likeable was the dog Precious.
Which brings us to another point: the dialog. One of the reasons Precious was likeable was because she was the only animal in this movie about cute animals that was remotely cute and said animal-like things such as “I’m going to lick your face”. The rest of them spoke like cast members of the Sophranos. This disparity between visual and audio I found really confusing and it hurt my brain. If you are going to do cute go with cute dialog and voice characterizations. Don’t discuss your food inventory level like the a scene out of Boiler Room. Are they smart as humans or just dopey animals? The needle kept flipping back and forth, usually just in time to provide a key point to advance the script.
Ironically the script wasn’t unredeemable. If they had stayed away from making this a character study of the character equivalent of a blood fluke and focused on a cool “Animals do a daring burglary and steal a ton of nuts” story it would have been a lot better. However the director has only both written and directed two films; this one and a short called Surly Squirrel. It appears this character is his baby and no one puts baby in a corner. Not on his watch.
Sigh. The story. Surly Squirrel (Will Arnett-Arrested Development, Despicable Me, Hot Rod (as proof of my fandom I did not even have to look at his filmography to pull those three great items)) and his side-rat Buddy live in a park. The park is effectively some kind of socialist food collective (almost a farm for animals of some kind) wherein everyone pools all the food they collect during the summer and rations it out during the winter. This is all done at the behest of Racoon (Liam Neeson-the Grey, Taken, Schindler’s List), who apparently doesn’t rate his own name. Surly and Buddy refuse to participate, taking an every-rodent-for-themselves approach. The rest of the park is dangerously low on food (Missing nuts image courtesy of the Funny T Shirt category)
They spot a nut cart on the sidewalk. Andy (Katherine Heigl-A Big Wedding, New Years Eve, One for the Money. Wow. A trifecta of crappy movies. Why can’t you find something worthy of your talent Katherine? Although based on the rumors I hear regarding your interaction with other movie professionals I could probably hazard a guess) is the local smart squirrel and is sent out with macho yet dumb squirrel Grayson (In case you are having trouble telling all the squirrels apart Grayson is the gray one. Oh wait, I see what they did there. Brandon Fraser-Escape from Planet Earth, Bedazzled, Breakout) to loot the cart but Surly and Buddy beat them to it.
They get into a tiff and manage to ignite the propane tank of the cart, sending it careening into the tree where the park collective has stored all the food. The winter supply is completely destroyed. Surly gets blamed and is banished from the park into the city.
Meanwhile it turns out the guy pushing the nut cart was part of a gang casing a bank for a robbery. They have taken over a nut shop and are using it as cover. Surly spots the nut shop and sees it as his opportunity to eat himself into coma. At the same time Grayson and Andy are sent out in the city in a desperate attempt to find more food. They run into Surly and opt to go in on the robbery together.
At that point the story kind of teeters off. They make multiple attempts (this is where the Three Stooges get channeled in) and make friends with a cute pug named Precious (Maya Rudolph-Turbo, Idiocracy, Bridesmaids) after torturing her with a dog whistle. Turns out one of their park friends is actually evil (Racoon, OK. It was Racoon. Sorry for the spoiler but if you didn’t see that coming you must still be putting your hand in the campfire just to make sure it still burns) and has a bizarre convoluted plan for no apparent reason. There is an epic two level chase scene and a happy ending pulled out of the far reaches of the writers colon.
I don’t do stars and black holes for kids movies. It seems petty and pointless. I would normally judge a kids film by how much the kids in the audience seemed to be reacting but the theater was mostly empty (read into that what you will). I suppose if I were five years old I would enjoy about 15 minutes of it on the nursery television before going off to hit my little sister on the head. Any older than that and I think I would probably be pretty bored. That boredom will increase exponentially as you get older so if mom and dad have to sit through this I hope you brought your beer helmet full of Steel Reserve.
Well, that’s it I guess. This film exceeded the industries very modest expectations so I guess we can look forward to seeing Nut Job 2: Bigger and Nuttier soon. Odds are the industry failed to factor in how desperate parents are for entertainment for their hyper overexposed rugrats. Either that or the sexual double entendre in the title was badly misinterpreted by assorted deviants and the opening weekend was filled with guys in raincoats who left halfway through the movie but were too embarrassed to demand their money back. Should you see it? Meh. This film was basically designed to be bought as a DvD and thrown on the “My God find something to keep that brat distracted for an hour” shelf. As an adult fan of well done kids movies absolutely not. Date movie? No. If she is a kid at heart (or you are in that grace period before they find the right photo of you to put up on the Megan’s Law website) see the Lego Movie (writing that review next). Bathroom break? Any time you see Surly Squirrel about to deliver a monolog about how he is a lone squirrel or something is a great time to boogie. The only scenes really worth watching all have Precious in them.
Thanks for reading. Like I said I just saw the Lego Movie and am eager to write it up but had this thing 2/3rds done and wanted to get it out. Follow me on Twitter @Nerdkungfu and post any comments you might have on my review or this film right here. Off topic questions or suggestions can be sent to [email protected]. Talk to you soon.
Dave
Star Trek Retrospective: Episode 64 The Tholian Web
Writing these Star Trek retrospectives has a kind of fun Christmas element to them. You see I am a huge Star Trek nerd but not so huge that I have all the episode numbers memorized. I have a general idea which episode was in which season (or at least a 1 in 3 chance of guessing right) but whenever I start one of these I begin by typing “Star Trek Retrospective: Episode XX…” and then look up on Wikipedia I’m supposed to be doing. This is where the Xmas present part come in. Will this one be that massive Lego set I have been begging my parents for all year (Balance of Terror, Amok Time, Charlie X) or will it be a coupon for a free firehose colonoscopy (Spock Brain, And the Children Shall Lead, Assignment Earth) that my doctor is giving me to celebrate my Irritable Bowel Syndrome? (The image I got from our Star Trek T-shirt collection. Apparently there is a whole list of t shirts with episodes on them. Who knew?)
The point is even though firmly ensconced in Season 3 this episode is definitely on the Lego side of the Christmas spectrum. Not the Millennium Falcon set but maybe one of the better Harry Potter ones (I know, I know. Mixed genres. Shoot me). The whole concept of the Tholian Web is super cool, plus the whole cross dimensional concept rules. Also if you have ever wondered what Shattner would look like doing Mime in an astronauts outfit (and really, which of us hasn’t laid awake at night wondering that?) this episode will let you rest easy.
In spite of the fact that he managed to spend most of the episode as a ghost Kirk still managed to ham it up with a prerecorded message to Spock and McCoy and that is one of the reasons all true Trek fans love him. Sorry, there is nothing wrong with Picard. He is easily the second best captain in Star Trek history (as long as you manage to avoid watching Generations).
Dave
Labor Day Review
Most of the labor was getting through this movie.
Image courtesy of the Labor Day Official Site.
Normally as I leave the theater (and sometimes before the film even starts) I have thought of a funny or clever intro sequence to my review (funny or clever in my mind. For all I know I sound like a pretentious idiot. My massive ego will not allow me to believe that, however). In spite of having almost 24 hours to reflect on it this film it has not inspired any kind of wit or cleverness. I guess that is the best way to describe it: not inspired. Flat, predictably, hard to believe, and inconclusive. I’m sure there is some kind of connection to the characters but that connection is lost under a pile of lovey pap and mediocre coming of age crap.
In checking out some other reviewers most of them seem to be shocked that this was done by Jason Reitman, the man behind Thank You for Smoking, Juno, and Up in the Air. However, as a relatively newer reviewer I note that the last movie he did prior to this was Young Adult, a film that I gave the very mediocre score of two stars and one that I think is on par with this one. My best friend says all great directors have only three really good films in them and should retire after the third one (I’m still waiting for Lucas to do his third). Looks like Jason missed the memo.
However I think most of the reviewers out there are actually judging this film more harshly due to the fact that is is Jason Reitman. I mean, it’s not like the film is really dysfunctional. It has a few good moments and if you were feeling lonely and a little drunk you would probably enjoy it by yourself or with the Real Doll of your choice (mine is named Becky). It could even function as a date movie as long as your date doesn’t mind being pandered and condescended to.
One thing I did like a lot was a supporting character played by James Van Der Beek. I have never seen an episode of Dawsons Creek in my life and will happily do a belly flop into a pool full of used syringes and rusty razor blades before watching one, but I got to like him a lot when he played himself in The Bitch In Apartment 23. I love any actor who is so self aware that he can play himself as an egotistical jackass. Either that or he is SO self obsessed that he didn’t realize that he was making fun of himself. In either case I got to like him a lot. That show is actually really great, and for the record I would dive headfirst into the aforementioned swimming pool for the chance to go on a date with show star Krysten Ritter. Kysten, I love you.
Also James has the coolest last name in Hollowood. Van Der Beek. It’s like the first two syllables are this really sophisticated, ostentatious upper class name and then it ends with Beek. How awesome is that? It’s like if the Queen of the Netherlands married Beeker from the Muppets.
Something my football coach used to tell us.
The uninspirational nature of this film I find de-motivating so I will get on with it. Plus I need to see Nut Job in two hours so here is the story (the Nuts image I found in our novelty t shirt category. I expect to use something similar when I get around to writing up the Nut Job review). Adele (Kate Winslet-Titanic, Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, Revolutionary Road) is a single mother with a strong case of agoraphobia. Her son Henry (Gattlin Griffith-Changeling, Green Lantern, Couples Retreat) is 13 and tries to be the man of the house, doing things like going into the bank for his mom.
While shopping for supplies Henry runs into Frank (Josh Broslin-Oldboy, No Country for Old Men, Gangster Squad), who sort of compels Adele to give him a ride. He asks to go to her house where they find out he is an escaped convict.
Honestly if I were feeling lazy I could wrap up this recap with the sentence He fixes a few things and he and Adele fall in love. That’s pretty much the rest of the movie. He is hiding out and like I said, starts fixing a few things. He was apparently convicted of killing his wife and child under somewhat murky circumstances but Adele doesn’t know that. In spite of all that he manages to make her fall in love with him and bonds with Henry by teaching him baseball.
After knowing Frank for three days Adele agrees to flee with him to Canada. They all pack up their stuff but their escape is hampered by about 800 things that all could have screwed it up, including my favorite Officer Van Der Beek. Meanwhile there is a fairly pointless sub plot involving Henry meeting a girl his age named Rachel (Elena Kampouris-Jinxed, not much else) whom the makeup people decided would be best if she looked like the girl voted Most Likely to Become a Meth Head. He has a a sort of awkward teen romance that goes no where and does nothing for the story.
Also there is this really annoying series of double flashbacks that tells the stories of how Adele got divorced and Frank killed his wife. Oh, yeah, Henry’s father (Clark Gregg-Thor, Iron Man, Avengers) dorks it up too. SPOILER ALERT In the end Frank gets caught and sent back to prison for 25 more years. Henry grows up and becomes Tobey MaGuire (a fate worse than death. Oh yeah Spider Man, Spider Man, and the Great Gatsby) and a pie man. Adele turns into a reclusive cat lady sans cats. The whole last 20 minutes of the film kind of sputters to a flat ending like a leaky balloon. Frank gets out of prison and is reunited with an aged Adele for a storybook ending I guess.
The stars.
I thought all the actors did a decent job. I do like Josh Brolin. He plays the bad ass really well. One star. I’ll give a bonus star for the kid not being super annoying like most child characters. He can actually act. One star. James Van Der Beek. One star. The film accurately captured what living in 1987 felt like without making the mistake of glorifying or making a caricature of it. There were no Members Only jackets. One star. Total: four stars.
The black holes.
There was some kind of weird tonal failure going on that I can’t quite put my finger on. It’s like the film was an eggshell and inside the egg struggling to get out was a better movie. Reitman does ironic, not romantic. Under that shell I think there was a fledgling ironic film that got smothered. One black hole. Pacing of a garden slug. 111 minutes and you will feel the film was 100 minutes too long. One black hole. In spite of the pacing the story seemed rushed. Who falls in love with a criminal in three days? Some attempt was made to give Adele the semblance of motivation to do so but that part bounced off the wall without sticking. One star. The flashbacks, the teenage love subplot, and pretty much everything having to do with the father really dragged the film down. The flashbacks were borderline surreal and jarring, the love story felt fake, and you wanted to punch the real dad in spite of him secretly being Agent Coulson. One black hole. Another film I suspect I am really going to have to reread this review in order to remember for my 2014 recap. Very forgettable. One black hole. Total: five black holes.
So one black hole total. On the down side of mediocre. I don’t know. If you want romantic pap and don’t want to have to think too hard go for it. Otherwise bail. See it at home if you can. Date movie? On paper it looks like it would work but I kind of suspect that if you took a girl to this film she would suspect you are trying too hard (she would be right. Girls tend to be smarter than you think on stuff like this). This film is definitely not superior to buying her dinner and then spending a few hours talking with her at the coffee house. Bathroom break? Hmm. The Henry/Rachel romance contributes next to nothing and there is a long scene where they go on a walk together towards the end that is very missable.
Thanks for reading. Like I said I’m seeing Nut Job tonight. I want to get it under my belt before the Lego Movie comes out (I am really looking forward to that one. It looks hilarious). Look for that review some time tomorrow. Follow me on Twitter @Nerdkungfu. If you have a comment on this film or my review feel free to post it here. Off topic questions or suggestions can be emailed to [email protected]. Thanks and have a great night.
Dave
