Star Trek movie retrospective Part 3: Star Trek the Search for Spock
OK, Spock is dead, and fan boys across the planet (like me) are crying about it and demanding something be done. Nimoy has said he want’s to put Spock behind him and move on with his life. How, then, do you get him back in the saddle? (Search for Spock image courtesy of the Star Trek T shirts category).
Simple. You offer him a chance to direct the movie. That’s pretty much what Paramount did. They gave Nimoy his first chance to direct, and to be honest, he did a pretty damned good job. I mean, this wasn’t the best Star Trek movie, but I see that as more of a limitation placed on him by the script than anything else (yes, I am that film critic. The one who craps all over every movie he sees until he is confronted by one done by someone he likes and has to find every excuse for them).
Actually, that’s not exactly true. Nimoy got kind of excited about Spock after seeing the TWOK and was gung ho to do the next movie. He himself suggested directing it. Kind of risky on Paramount’s part, in that now you have a director you literally cannot fire.
So what was going on in 1984? I was just out of my first horrible year of hell (I mean, high school). I remember one thing and that is we went to this movie in the back of a pickup truck (on the freeway. God I don’t miss the 80’s). With us on that trip were no less than three girls who were all kind of cute, at least one of which I think in retrospect kind of liked me. My natural awkwardness and inability to talk to women was able to prevent me from gaining some joy in my teenage life. Movie tickets cost at most $3. Ethiopia faced massed starvation and spawned any number of the least sensitive jokes of all time (“What’s the fastest animal in the world? An Ethiopian chicken.”). The Ethiopian tragedy also gifted us with Band Aid and the massive Do they Know it’s Christmas, a chance for every lame pop singer to stroke their egos and look good. AT&T is forcibly broken up (and yet, I am still paying them). We had the first ever (and very cool) untethered space walk. The first ever MTV Video Music Awards starts off, ringing like the death knell over music culture. It was kind of a banner year for movies. In addition to the Search for Spock, Ghostbusters (Sigorney Weaver!, Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom, Gremlins, Beverly Hills Cop, The Karate Kid, Police Academy, The Terminator, and the highly underrated Romancing the Stone all came out. Magnum PI and the A Team were hot. With the exception of music (“Wake me up, before you go go!”) things seemed pretty cool and upbeat. The world wanted new beginnings, and the Search for Spock fit right in.
So Spock placed his soul (his katra) in McCoy just before dying in the last movie. McCoy is haunted by his spirit and they have to get to Vulcan after learning they made a major blunder dropping Spocks body off on the planet rather than returning him home. I guess checking on crewmembers religious beliefs wasn’t high up on Kirks priority list, although you would think he would have done a little more for his best friend. They go back to the Genesis planet where they discover the planet is more or less breaking apart. Spock’s body has mysteriously disappeared out of the coffin, although his Vulcan e coli or whatever have evolved into giant banana slugs. Other stuff happens. The Klingons kill Kirk’s son David. A teenage Spock Pon Fars the hell out of Saavik (played by a young, thin, and super hot Kirstie Allie. What is it about women who are willing to dress up as Vulcans that drives me crazy? I still think about this one girl I met at the Star Trek convention last year. It doesn’t help that, in addition to being super hot, she was also super cool). After years of blue balling himself and coming within a hairs breath of it Kirk finally gets to complete his self destruct sequence for the Enterprise. The crew escapes in a stolen Klingon ship (it’s hard to beat the Enterprise for coolness, but the Klingons have always given them a run for their money).
What the movie had:
The original crew. The return of Spock (although he doesn’t actually appear until the end and only has a couple speaking lines). Modern Klingons. Enterprise blowing up. Planet blowing up. The death of Kirks son, so he wouldn’t be around to clutter up the next few movies. Implied hot Vulcan sex. Effects on par with TWOK. Giant banana slugs with teeth. A clever ploy.
What it didn’t have:
Nicholas Meyer, the writer of TWOK. He stormed off in a huff over the changes the studio forced upon him in TWOK, including the coffin on the planet scene. A rational explanation as to how Spock’s body reconstituted itself (more on that later). Spock playing Spock.
This is the first Star Trek movie that generated some serious questions in my mind with regards to continuity (and probably paved my path to becoming an amateur movie reviewer). First of all, Kirk is really broken up about the death of his son (and in later movies is even more upset about it) but as far as I can tell he only knew the guy for two weeks or so. In the TV show Kirk had crewmembers he had known for years die horrible, horrible deaths (remember the Devil in the Dark?) and didn’t even blink an eye. Secondly, if the cold germs or whatever in the pod with Spocks body were super evolved into giant banana slugs by the Genesis effect, why would it just regenerate Spock in his original form? Shouldn’t he have been a super evolved Vulcan? Or, for that matter, if they sent down his body shouldn’t each cell have evolved into something, possibly resulting in billions of super evolved Spocks? Also, what did young Spock eat? To grow that fast he must have eaten about 10x his weight every day. For that matter, if he speed grew up from a baby who kept him from running off a cliff or what have you? Even with my parents protection I managed to injure myself pretty much every day as a kid. Sure Spock is half Vulcan, but he’s also half human, which in broader terms is half stupid. Also, assuming the planet had evolved an abundance of fruit trees, how did he feed himself as a baby? Also, according the scientist involved in the project there would be only plant life on the planet. So what did young Spock do for protein? Seems the only sources of protein would be giant banana slugs and his own corpse. Shouldn’t he have been suffering from serious malnutrition? Also, if he had never seen another creature in his life when the crew showed up why did he hide from them? Wouldn’t he just see them as some kind of moving plant? Is there any chance Saavik got pregnant and there is a son of Spock running around?
The list can go on, but I will spare you. Overall I would say this was a decent film, and a nice bridge from the end of the series in the last film and the rest of them. The only problem is that this is the last film where you see Kirk as a moderately believable action hero. Last movie saw the end of Spock as we knew him, and this one we see the end of Kirk. From this movie forth he would still do stuff in an action way, but it would take on a Mork from Ork comedy element. If you don’t believe me go back and watch the fight scene from Star Trek Generations. Like I said, decent film. Just not the best.
Star Trek movie retrospective Part 2: Star Trek the Wrath of Khan
Now to the good stuff. As important and groundbreaking as the Motion Picture was, ultimately it was really a horrible movie, and not just for Shatnar in a body stocking. Overall it was as bad as the most mediocre Season 3 episode (cough cough Spock’s Brain cough cough), only with better special effects. However, it opened the door for TWOK, and for that I will always be grateful. (TWOK image courtesy of the sci fi t shirts category)
So, it’s now 1982. Gene Roddenberry, after the mediocre production of the Motion Picture, was more or less forced out of the movie. The great Nick Meyer was tapped to write and direct the film (this entire blog series, by the way, was inspired by an interview I heard with Nick Meyers on Geektime, Howard Stern’s nerd program on Sirius Satellite radio, where he talked about working on this and all the good Star Trek films (the even numbered ones. 2,4, and 6)). He wrote the script in 12 days. They worked on a shoe string budget, recycled miniatures and footage from the last film, and somehow produced brilliance. TWOK set a record for first day box office gross (which I contributed to) and was the first movie to use a sequence entirely done with computer graphics (suck it, Lucas).
What was happening in 1982? Well, I was in Jr High, the only two year period of my pre-collage education that didn’t resemble a year long water boarding experience. Reagan was president, and in spite of my father’s (a lifelong Democrat) objections seemed to doing good stuff for the country. All nine planets in our solar system aligned on the same side of the sun, and the longest lunar eclipse of the century occured yet in spite of mass doomsday predictions the planet did not blow up. Our good friends to the north were made completely independent from England. The Vietnam Memorial was dedicated. Thriller by Michael Jackson became the biggest selling record of all time (I admit it. I owned a copy). The Commodore 64 was released. And Argentina invades the Falklands Islands, sparking a minor war that was more or less treated like Monday Night Football by most Americans.
Overall, it could be called an ‘up” year, for lack of a better term. The only real downer was the big Tylenol scare, which was like the lottery only the prize was death. I think the cultural time was right for a movie that was, for lack of a better term, kind of a bummer. I am man enough to admit that I cried like a little girl when Spock died, and even to this day I get a little teary when I think about it. Sure, they stuck in that scene with his coffin on the Genesis planet (actually forced in by the studio over Nick Meyers and Leonard Nimoy’s strenuous objections). Nimoy only agreed to come back if they gave him an epic death scene that would end his character forever (I guess money cured that problem for him).
I won’t waste our time going in to the story too much. If you haven’t seen TWOK I don’t know what the hell you are even doing reading this blog. Odds are you should be watching Paris Hilton’s rereprehensible reality show. Khan Noonien Singh was dropped off on a planet by Kirk 15 years ago and then left to rot when the planet turned into a death world. He captures a ship and proceeds to use it to wreak havoc in the universe and track down Kirk. Stuff explodes. Ships fight. Spock dies heroically saving the ship, breaking my heart in the process.
I will say this about the story. I am not unsympathetic to Khan. No one really goes into it too much in the movie but Kirk royally screwed him and all his people. One thing you can say about this movie is that everyone’s motivations are “as clear as an unmuddied lake. As clear as an azure sky of deepest summer.”
Here’s what TWOK had:
The full cast. A great story. Khan Noonien Singh (I just like saying his name), played by the amazing Ricardo Montalban. Decent low budget special effects. A creepy creature that controls your brain from inside your ear. A call back to a great TOS episode (Space Seed). A non-Hollywood lame happy ending. The great Kobayashi Maru test (which Kirk beat). A great death scene. Kirks long lost son. A cool constructive tool used as a weapon of mass destruction. A computer animated scene.
Here’s what it did not have:
A lame excuse for Kirk to fight Khan face to face (they never actually meet). Annoying new characters, like the now obligatory hot chick for sex appeal (there were a couple, but they didn’t annoy me). Any hesitation to beat the hell out of the Enterprise. Body stocking uniforms (I actually like the Star Fleet uniforms from this film a lot. The best, IMO). Unnecessary aliens (as any zombie movie will teach you, the worst enemies humans have will always be other humans).
The story is tight and clean, with no extra stuff crow-barred in except for the Spock body/Genesis planet at the end. At the time (age 11, crying my eyes out, feeling like my best friend had just died and nothing on the planet was worth doing ever) I grabbed onto that scene like a drowning man grabbing a life saver, but with an adult eye and considering what would come to follow I think Nick Meyers was right and they should have let the scene stand alone. They could have probably forced his resurrection without it, and it would have made for a better stand alone movie.
Honestly, for me Spock’s death was when the series more or less ended for the TOS crew. Sure, there were some decent movies coming up, but the difference was this is where Spock (and to a lesser extent the rest of the crew) transformed from vibrant action stars and turned kind of into old men. In the following movies Spock would have to be the intellectual backbone, and in my opinion never really recaptured the Spock I grew up with. I’m sure there are those who will disagree with me, but that’s just my opinion.
Anyway, that’s the Wrath of Khan. Next up, Star Trek caters to fan boys (like me) with the Search for Spock.
Movie Review: Trollhunters
So yesterday I wrote a review about a movie that failed to live up to my expectations in almost all regards: Green Lantern. Today I will review a movie that exceeded my expectations in all ways: Trollhunter (Trolljegeren).
What was I expecting? Not much, to be honest. The trailers I saw made it look like a bad Norwegian Blair Witch Project. I didn’t know a lot about it going in, and really the only reason I saw it was because it was in the right time slot about the time my cabin fever reached an unbearable level.
What did I get? A verite style documentary that was fun, funny, and at times terrifying. Sure it was a Blair Witch knock off, but these days if you do anything involving a camera guy running through a forest at night it’s going to be called Blair Witch. Well written, and well done in all regards, it is what reality TV aspires to be.
Anyway, the story. A group of film students comes across a mysterious bearded man in Norway who seems to be doing all kinds of suspicious stuff. At first thinking him a bear poacher they follow him around, filming constantly in hopes of getting some good footage for their school project. Eventually they follow him into the woods, only to encounter him running out of the woods yelling “Troll!” They later befriend him, and he agrees to let them film him as he goes about is government appointed job of hunting down trolls.
I don’t want to get too much into the story, as it really isn’t that relevant for the purpose of this review and also because I hope you will all go see it yourself. Sufficed to say troll hunting hijinks ensues. Trolls and people get killed. There are a lot of subtle references to the Three Billy Goats Gruff, complete with a troll under a bridge. In spite of the source material, everyone involved takes trolls entirely seriously, like a good zombie movie. There is no attempt at levity. The trolls are terrifying, each bigger and badder than the last. Truly a great movie.
First, the stars. Overall fun and entertaining. Two stars. For being a documentary style film we were not subjected to too much of camera shots of a dog or the camera mans’ foot unless it made sense in the movie. One star. The acting and characters, especially of Hans, the Trollhunter, we excellent. One star. They didn’t pull that bull crap pseudo documentary trick of only showing sounds and guys running from something through the trees. Once you start seeing trolls you see them all the time. One star. For some not so great CGI the trolls are truly terrifying. About 100,000,000 times scarier that Parallax from the Green Lantern, or any of the other so-called scary monsters in most movies out there. Maybe it was the verite shooting, or maybe because they seemed somehow more probably. Just scary. Two stars. For an obvious small budget, really good special effects and film work. One star. While slow at times, the film was well paced and led to a climactic conclusion. One star. In spite of the fantastical nature of the film premise, everything seemed very reasonable and believable. Things worked the way you would imagine, and everyone acted in a reasonably sane manner. When things got hairy they ran like hell. One star. There were some funny moments that were not outright jokes. You just had to see the underlying humor. One star. It was a thinking person’s movie, without all the crap Hollywood saddles us with to appeal to the morons (sorry, still feeling the sting from Green Lantern). One star. Total: twelve stars.
Now the black holes. Not a lot, but a few. First of all, while I truly appreciate the value of showing the film in it’s actual language to best deliver the original emotions and nuance of the actors, I sometimes find subtitles hard to deal with. One black hole. While he was one of the funniest characters in the film, I had a hard time understanding the motivations of the government agent that was tailing the Trollhunter. Seemed a little disjointed. One black hole.
Grand total of 10 stars, an awesome score and by coincidence exactly as good as Green Lantern was bad. I highly recommend you all go out and see this film in the theater. Do so quickly as I don’t think it will be around for much longer.
As a final note, it irks me that this film, with 1/100th the budget of Green Lantern (if that), is so much better. I don’t know if it is independent movies, or just foreign ones, but there are so many better movies being made than most of the garbage being fed to us by Hollywood. I honestly think the difference is that independent film makers actually still respects the audience, whereas Hollywood thinks of us a brainless, child like cash cows. Of course, based on what is popular in media these days (cough cough reality TV cough cough) I can’t say as I really blame them.
Die, troll! Die! (Troll image courtesy of the cheap t shirt category)
Movie Review: Green Lantern, or why is my green so blue?
I guess this is the week of dashed over hyped expectations. It started Wednesday with my purchase of my first Apple computer, a brand new iMac. Having listened to all my friends gush about how all Apple products are I was more or less inclined to believe that this iMac would not only handle my computer needs, but would cure cancer, end world hunger, and turn my tap water into wine. The thing I did not expect was to spend almost four hours on the phone with tech support trying to get all my peripherals running. The learning curve on the new UI is less a curve and more a vertical wall that needs to be scaled by hand while defenders at the top drop rocks and boiling oil on my head. I am sure in the course of a month or two I will become brainwashed like all my friends, but at the moment I feel like Donald Sutherland in Invasion of the Body Snatchers.
I am being unfair. Already I have gotten more used to it, but my typical curse of causing things more technological than a microwave try to find all the weirdest problems possible (how is it I have the one HP printer out of the literally thousands that Apple supports that they don’t? What are really the odds of that?) manifest themselves. Also, I just had a guy at the Apple store inform me that the absolutely-different-from-the-control-key Command key is actually the mysterious free alt-tab Microsoft key. I wish someone had told me that four days ago. If you are wondering why I just don’t use the keyboard that came with the iMac it is because I have large hands and need adult sized keys, not Smurf (or just skinny hipster kid) sized covered with Chiclets.
So the next big over hyped disappointment was, of course, Green Lantern. Was it bad? Not really, but on many levels actually yes. Was it worth all the hype and marketing? No. It is, like almost all DC comic book movies, painfully lacking in many regards while having a few cool elements. I am sure you could really enjoy it, especially if you are dumb, stoned, or 12 years old. However, I think I am going to have to start looking at how much marketing the studios throw at the advertizing as a sign of how much they feel they need to work in order to get people into the theater. X-Men First Class had hardly any and ruled. (Ferris Aircraft image from the new Green Lantern t-shirt category).
Anyway, the movie, without any spoilers that you wouldn’t pick up from the trailers. I think it safe to assume most of you have read a couple GL comics too. Hal Jordan is a test pilot working for Ferris Aircraft along with his super hot fellow test pilot (Blake Lively, who apparently was in the Gossip Girl). Hal is played by the remarkably inappropriate Ryan Reynolds, and he has an on screen romance with Ms. Lively that throughout the movie seemed forced, awkward, unnecessary, distracting, and lacking in all forms of chemistry. Sorry Martin Campbell. Just putting two hot people on screen together does not make for onscreen magic. The chemistry wasn’t as bad at that in Water for Elephants, but it was on par.
Anyway, the alien Green Lantern gets mortally wounded in a criminally short action sequence (a pattern that would unfortunately repeat itself throughout the movie) and travels to Earth to have the ring pick out his replacement, which is of course Hal Jordan. Hal gets the ring, another dorky guy who actually was in his own way cooler than the entire rest of the cast gets infected with yellow power and becomes a minor super villain, green action ensues, and the movie ends feeling about 20 minutes short.
I am going to do something a little different with this, in that I want to expound upon a few of my black holes in detail here and then list them later. I have some serious issues with a lot of stuff and feel the need to get into it more specifically. First of all, this entire movie felt like the third in a series, not the first. You know, the episode where the studio has made a ton of money on the first couple and now is just grinding them out by the numbers in order to milk the fans for as much money as we can stand to part with? The one where the director feels the need to shove as much CGI and as many villains in as possible in order to make up for the fact that he doesn’t really have a story? The episode where he feels comfortable leaving all forms of character development or exposition out because all that back story nonsense was covered in the first one? That episode? This is that one. I understand the studios see franchises as the real way to make money, but is the need so overpowering that you feel you can just jump into a franchise mid stream and still make your dough off the unwashed masses?
Secondly, the movie felt really 20-30 minutes short. All the action scenes ended before you really got into them. If you have read the real GL story you know he spent a long time in training, and developed a mutual respect and friendship with Sinestro before returning to the field. Here he spends about two minutes getting his ass kicked while Sinestro is nothing more than a dick to him. Also, a felonious amount of screen time is wasted on his so called romance with Blake Lively and a bunch of other crap I could care less about.
Finally, Ryan Reynolds as Green Lantern. The guy is a romantic comedy actor. Sure he pulled off looking good in the suit (although I think he is a little too weedy for it) but if I recall Hal was a responsible, dedicated military officer, not a smirking, irresponsible reprobate. Also, is it written into every movie contract Ryan Reynolds has that his character has to be seen as the guy who sleeps with every hot woman character withing a 50 mile radius? Hooking up with local sluts made sense in Van Wilder, but does he have to play the same character in every single movie? I lay blame for this firmly in the director’s lap. Had Campbell taken two minutes to explain to Ryan that he really shouldn’t smirk at the camera in every scene we might have gotten a much more tolerable performance.
By the way, I will give a star or two for really good special effects and CGI, but the days of those things carrying a movie are gone. CGI is so easy and accessible that we really need to get into a good story and acting. I honestly don’t find it interesting. In fact, good special effects now is the norm and is only really noticeable it it’s absence.
Anyway, the stars. Comic book movie. One star. Generally good special effects. Two stars. Blake Lively looking hot. One star. Sinestro was cool and well acted. One star. Hector Hammond was cool. One star. Tim Robbins as Senator Hammond. One star. Ummm. That’s pretty much it. Seven stars (and I forced one. The special effect weren’t really worth two stars).
Now the black holes. Really, really bad direction. Two black holes. The movie felt short. One black hole. Too much completely pointless Hal Jordan as a social misfit (including but not limited to his romance and a dumb ass birthday party for his 11 year old nephew that included an even dumber reckless driving sequence to show what a wild man Hal was, not to mention a “heartwarming” scene between Hal and his nephew. In fact, I was going to give this point one black hole but now that I have written in up I am again incensed and will ramp it up to two. ). Two black holes. Not enough of the other alien Lanterns, or of the planet Oa. They are cool looking aliens. Why can’t we see them? One black hole. Ryan Reynolds. One black hole. Every action sequence was painfully short, and the final epic fight felt less like a conclusion and more like the movie makers were running out of film and wanted to wrap it up. One black hole. The whole I-was-a-normal-human-but-now-have-super-powers-let-me-show-you scene is cool as exposition once (unless, of course, we had just seen a whole training sequence detailing all the powers) but there is no reason to shove it down our throat twice, especially when one of the two people is a minor character who’s only function was to pick up Hal at the beach and give him a ride home. One black hole. For every cool alien Green Lantern I wanted to meet or see more of they managed to find a minor human character to introduce and have vanish like excrement flushed down a toilet. Is it absolutely necessary that we be introduced to Hal’s two brothers, his sister -in-law, and his nephew for four painful minutes before they disappear, never to be seen again? How about some more of Kiliwog, or Sinestro, or Bzzd, or Galius Zed? One black hole. The Guardians literally looked like Pez dispensers. One black hole. While the special effects were generally good, there were a couple scenes where I was looking for wires. I think they forced some of the perspectives in order to make it look good for 3D and since I saw it in 2D (or, in many other ways, 1D) they looked really stupid. One black hole. A complete lack of arc for Hal Jordan. One minute he is Van Wilder and can’t make a green powered back scratcher, and the next he is captain responsible and creating miniguns. Overall the pacing was horrible. One black hole. Some other major holes in the plot. One black hole. The writers took the actual Green Lantern story, murdered it, and then spent 105 minutes desecrating it’s corpse. One black hole. They forcefully crowbared in the lead in for the sequel. One black hole. And finally, one black hole for making a sequel movie to a franchise that hasn’t even started yet. Total: 17 black holes.
In the irksome-but-not-black-hole-worthy category I only have one, and that is it is established early on that the universe literally has millions of sentient species. How is it every alien is not only 100% aware of humans, but knows enough about them to be surprised that the ring would pick a race so young? Minor but kind of irritating.
So a miserable final score of 10 black holes. I didn’t start writing this planning to dump all over it, but I stand by my scoring. Ultimately completely forgettable in all aspects, at least as soon as the next movie that relies on special effects over writing and direction comes along. If you are the type that is easily distracted by string or shiny objects by all means go see it. It is fun and entertaining, and when you get bored you can play with your laser pointer. If you find being pandered and catered to on lowest levels offensive and actually want a movie that will evoke an emotional or intellectual response, go see X-Men First Class for a second time.
Star Trek movie retrospective Part 1: Star Trek the Motion Picture
Like I said yesterday, while going through images for a ton of new Star Trek T shirts I came across shirts for every Star Trek movie made to date, including Generations. It seems to me as time and movies progress they are less like true Star Trek movies and more like lame Hollywood crap marginally inspired by Star Trek. The last few movies managed to both suck and blow, which is such a strong contrast to the Wrath of Khan it’s almost as if the more recent films were made by (non Federation) aliens of some kind.
I thought I would put my feelings down on this blog by doing a modest retrospective of each movie and what was going on at the time. These are not formal review, as I haven’t seen most of these recently enough to give them any kind of fair treatment. This is a simple overview.
So, Star Trek the Motion Picture. The year is 1979 and Star Trek has been retired for 10 years. Paramount was working on a new TV series called Phase II (given that the majority of weak stories from the first series were in season 3 (cough cough Abe Lincoln in space cough cough) I don’t know if trying to continue the stories with the same cast would have done much). Roddenberry had campaigned for a movie, but the studio was convinced lightning would strike twice with TV. Then E.T. made a ton of money and all of a sudden the brainless apes known worldwide as studio executives decided it might be worth trying.
The script was actually a rewrite of the pilot script for Phase II, which kind of explains a lot. Also, the special effects weren’t done in what could be termed a timely manner and the final cut left the editors studio just a few days before the debut.
So it’s 1979. Margaret Thatcher is elected prime minister of Great Britain. Sony releases the Walkman to massive success. The first snowboard is invented. The staff of the American embassy is Tehran is taken hostage. The USSR invaded Afghanistan, where they would eventually get their ass kicked. The Who has a concert in Cincinnati and 11 people are killed in the ensuing riot. Saddam Hussain takes power in Iraq. France is hit by a tsunami. Sid Vicious died. The YMCA sued the Village People for obvious reasons. And the Bee Gees hit number 1 with Love You Inside Out.
Also, at this time I was grinding my way through Mrs. Lovemark’s 5th grade class and slowly coming to the realization that my social life was probably going to suck compared to most of my “peers”. As you can see there was a moral and cultural hole in American culture and my personal life, and we all needed something to fill it.Star Trek attempted to fill that gap with this film but, in my opinion, failed.
Let’s talk about what Star Trek the Motion Picture had:
William Shatnar in a body stocking. Spock. A super hot bald chick. A horrific transporter accident. The original cast. Some decent 1979 era special effects. The Enterprise. Did I mention the super hot bald chick?
Here is what it didn’t have:
Action of any kind. A coherent plot. An understanding of astrophysics (Voyager 6, in the couple hundred years since it’s launch until the aliens found it, would have a best been ten light years from Earth). A decent costume designer (what part of Shatnar in a body stocking sounds like a good idea on any level?). Emotion of any kind, except, ironically enough, Spock (Decker and Kirk arguing about command of the Enterprise does not count). Any real sense of story or accomplishment.
Yes, this was mediocre. However, it grossed enough worldwide to justify a sequel, which is of course the fabulous TWOK. I will talk about that in the next post.
This movie was important as a stepping stone towards the continuation of the franchise. I don’t think any of the TV shows would have arisen had this movie not paved the road to some of the good films. In that regard, I like this movie a lot. Just not in a hurry to see it again.
Ugh, I just found out something depressing. That super hot bald chick was an Indian actress named Persis Khambatta. If you think she was hot bald, check her out with hair. Anyway, I just discovered she died in 1998 at the age of 50. Ironic that she was 17 years younger than Shatnar and he is still going strong. Now I’m depressed.
As a weird side note, I remember reading the book adaptation of this movie. The one thing that struck me was that the hot bald chick (her screen name was Ilia) was a Deltan. That race generated sexual pheromones that were supposed to drive human males crazy, so the subplot was all the humans trying to not lose it. Given that they were all wearing body stockings it seems like the chance of an embarrassing uniform accident would be considerable.
By the way, I have made friends with some of the people at TheStream.TV. They do original internet TV with a definite nerd bent, and are having a big release event coming up. Check it out. I have seen some of their geek shows and it is pretty good. If you look carefully enough you might see actual footage of me expressing my opinion on some popular comic book characters at one of the comic cons I did earlier this year. I haven’t watched much lately as my sound card has died again and I can only stream stuff in my iPhone.
On a completely related topic, I am getting my new iMac tomorrow. I am so excited. Talk to you soon.
Nerd Dating: the greatest date ever-movie night in Part 7 the arm move
OK, you’ve set up the date, picked a movie, and are ready to watch the movie with your amour. The question that arises is if and when to put one arm around the girl.
This is really a puzzler, to be honest. Given the fact that you are on hopefully your 3rd, 4th, or 5th date (by the way, never try to make movie night your first or second date. It will fail miserably, and if she suggests it it means she has the “let’s-be-friends” main gun locked and loaded) and she is willing to sit on a couch in a dimly lit (by candlelight or just the screen glare) room with you very strongly suggests she is comfortable enough with you to get a little closer. However, don’t forget one of my earliest dating lessons: as much as women want to be in a relationship and this particular one may or may not like you, they are skittish on a level that makes deer look like sea turtles and are eagerly searching for an excuse to dump you and run.
That being said, it is also likely she expects some action and would be disappointed if you didn’t try something. The first step is doing the old “arm around the shoulder” move. How best to accomplish this? And when is the best time?
In my experience, you want to get your arm around her before the movie even starts. This establishes the tone (something I like to talk about in my movie reviews) of the evening from the get go. The safest way to do it (you wimp) is to sit on the couch before she does with space on either side and put one arm up on the top of the couch. She knows what you are doing and if she is into it will sit in the crook of your arm without hesitation. Normally at that point you lower you arm gently (<–important) onto her shoulder. Odds are you will both share some kind of meaningful look or something and start the movie. If she is not into it she will sit on the other side and you can start enjoying your new friendship.
If, on the other hand, she beat you to the couch, or you just brain fizzled or chickened out, and the movie starts without you accomplishing this otherwise trivial goal, you are in trouble. If there is one thing girls hate on a date it’s the scent of awkwardness, and you are stuck hip deep in the awkward swamp. Here are a few ways to get around it.
The yawn-yes, this is really, really dumb move straight out of Happy Days. That’s why you don’t do it seriously. You so over exaggerate it that it will be obvious that you are making a joke. With luck she will laugh and let you proceed.
The creep-I don’t actually recommend this one, as it can be as creepy as it sounds. This is where you try to casually work your arm over the top of the couch and over the course of a couple hours lower your arm onto her. In addition to being kind of creepyish (think boa constrictor stalking it’s prey) it also looks extremely timid and ball-less. However, if you could accurately be described as timid and ball-less, or you have pretty much run out of options, than roll with it.
The break-this is where you get up to use the restroom, and when you return you just slide your arm around her like it was there before. This takes a little practice in order to make it look natural and not like a WWE move, but it can work very well. Unfortunately it is also the technique most likely to get you kicked out or punched, so be sure you know what she is about before you go for it.
The ask-this is one I have had decent success with. This is where, as the opening credits are rolling, you look at her in the eyes and say in your most sincere voice “Would you mind if I put my arm around you?” Most women are touched by this. Also, if they have been kind of waiting for you to do something it will be a relief for them to have you finally get it going. This also works really well if you are dealing with a woman who would describe herself as a feminist. She will appreciate the respect you are showing her (I guess. Who knows what really motivates woman, anyway?)
Rather than try all of these in the course of one evening, I would suggest picking one main and one backup and making those your thing. Pick the ones that seem to fit in with your personality and/or the personality of the girl you are dating. Good luck, and remember that if she is with you alone she wants to be there with you.
So this week I have been cropping images of a ton of new Star Trek t shirts and was struck yesterday by how many good and bad movies that franchise has spawned. By that I mean one great one, two mediocre ones, and a whole passel of garbage. Anyway, while cropping the image for Star Trek Nemesis it occurred to me that it would be fun to have a retrospective on my feelings for all the Trek films in order and what significance they had in my life. I think I will be starting that up tomorrow. I will have more dating stuck in there too as well as a couple more movie reviews. I don’t know if it will suck or not, but I will enjoy doing it. Talk to you soon.
Movie review: Super 8
I actually saw this Friday night but have been distracted by a number of things this weekend, including moving two refrigerators and a couch. I am always glad to help my friends, but moving a refrigerator is a favor on an entirely different scale from say picking someone up at the airport. Anyway, that’s all done and I have been completely lazy today, so in order to feel like I didn’t just waste most of my weekend I am going to push this out.
Let me say I was hoping to hate this movie. I harbor some ill feelings toward J.J. Abrams for his treatment of my precious Star Trek, and was hoping to be able to deliver forth a bitter and evil review. Unfortunately for me but fortunately for the movie going population Super 8 is actually pretty fun and good to watch. But, like most movies, it has its issues.
Super 8 is the Frankenstein monster assembled from the dead body parts of E.T. the Extraterestrial, Stand By Me, Goonies, and (weirdest of all) Alien. And like Frankenstein, something was created that at times was really cool and exciting, but the value of the whole fails to exceed the sum of the component parts. It is obviously an homage to Speilberg, in the same way a fan boy dressing like a fat Spiderman is an homage to Stan Lee. The problem is, while it obviously took it’s inspiration most from E.T., it doesn’t really compare to that brilliant film. (E.T. image courtesy of the sci fi t shirts category).
I think I have figured out J.J. Abrams; he is the guy who in each movie gets something amazing right and a lot of other stuff stupendously wrong. The main thing he got wrong in this film is a real lack of tone. One minute you are watching a bunch of kids awkwardly bumble through early teen years (Stand by Me), the next they are riding around on dilapidated bicycles trying to solve the mystery that plagues their town (Goonies), then they are odds with the military while dealing with an alien (E.T.), and then they are being stalked by a terrifying creature of unimaginable horror (Alien). You spend the whole movie never really knowing how you are supposed to be feeling. It’s like taking a shower in a house with 20 toilets being flushed all the time, except that instead of water the shower alternates between liquid nitrogen and super heated plasma (or, as I like to think of it, my experience dating a typical woman).
Anyway, the film. Couple spoilers in this, so skip a few if you find them annoying. The year is 1979 (a fact hamhandedly delivered to us by a newscast referencing Three Mile Island) and a group of kids in a small town in Ohio are filming a zombie movie. The kids run the Goonies gambit of characters; there’s the fat nerd directing the film, the glasses wearing main star of the 8mm film who pukes at the first sign of anything, the weedy braces pyromaniac kid who handles all the explosions and special effects, the completely unremarkable camera kid, the makeup kid who is the movie main character and son of a local deputy, and the super cute white trash girl who gets pulled in to make the film. The events are a few months after Joe, the main kid, has his mother get killed in an industrial accident that Alice, the cute girls, father was somehow involved it. The two fathers hate each other and both have estranged relationships with their kids. Anyway, the gang all sneak out to film near a train track where they see the biggest, longest, most explosive filled train wreck ever (I don’t think I have ever seen a freight train travel at 80 mph. Most train wrecks I have seen end with all the cars lying on the side of the rail, not flying through the air into an explosion that would embarrass Micheal Bey). The train is an Air Force train (something Joe can tell by noticing what kind of hooks they have on the cars (???)) and some kind of creature manages to escape. Somehow several platoons of Air Force guys teleport to the accident before any kind of local police or firefighters arrive and chase the kids off.
The town becomes gripped in terror as the creature kidnaps and does something vague with the local citizens (the movie was really ill defined on this point. It seemed to imply that he was eating them, or perhaps keeping them around for telepathic company, or perhaps even using them to power his nefarious works. I really can’t tell you what was going on). It’s also stealing random metal stuff (again, very vague how he accomplishes this. At once point he manages to remove (teleport?) a number of car engines out of cars in a lot without scratching the paint one bit, and then later is more or less tearing the hell out of a bunch of other stuff). The deputy dad deals with the Air Force while the kids keep trying to film their movie and solve the Sooby Doo like mystery. Assorted movie genre havoc ensues. The Air Force is entirely staffed by complete a-holes (and somehow has tanks too). The alien is bad but somehow good. There is a really, really dumb battle involving tanks and machine guns somehow out of control (or perhaps controlled by the alien) and shooting randomly (did I mention the sprinkling of Maximum Overdrive that they threw into this?). By the way, I know this is petty and going to make me look like a total tread head geek, but the M60 tank (the tank used by the US military in 1979 and featured several times in this movie) required a manual loader to reload the main gun, so unless the loader was mind controlled along with the tank itself there is no way the gun could fire more than once. Furthermore, standard procedure was to leave the main gun unloaded until it was known they needed it. Lazy writers really bug me, but I guess we had to get that “battle” scene inserted somehow.
I don’t want to go on any more, as I have found any detailed description of a typical film tends to make it look even stupider than it actually is (at least when I do it). Let’s get into the stars and black holes, shall we?
First the stars. While extremely derivative of the movies I listed, at least it was a decent tribute to all of them. One star. One thing I can say about J.J. Abrams is he really knows how to cast well. One star. The other thing I can saw about him is he manages to get really good acting performances out of the people he casts (suck it, Lucas). Kids have to be the worst actors to work with but somehow he got stellar performances out of all of them. Kudos. Three stars. The story, while awkward and prone to a couple major holes, was reasonably good and made sense most of the time. One star. The pacing was really good. One star. As dumb as the train crash was, the pyrotechnics involved were spectacular. One star. They managed to avoid having a bunch of kids somehow beating the hell out of a bunch of grown military men, which I was kind of expecting. One star for not grinding my gears. What little we could see of the creature was pretty good, and the CGI was decent. One star. The aliens spaceship was apparently made of space Legos. One star. Overall the movie going experience was decent. One star. Total: twelve stars.
Now the black holes. The movie lacked a definitive tone. Two black holes. The stupidest and most unnecessary battle scene in cinema history (seriously, I think the pyrotechnics guy was holding the directors kids hostage at a couple points). One black hole. The movie was set in the 70’s and was almost the 80’s, two decades I hate with the burning passion of 10,000 suns. One black hole (this is a personal one, so if you are OK with bad hair, clothes, and music disregard it). The Air Force colonel’s complete disregard for any kind of consequences of his or his men’s actions (setting the countryside on fire, more or less destroying a small American town, holding civilians without regard for any of their rights, etc.). One black hole. A massive vagueness of the aliens motivations, actions, or powers (if he could take control of a ton of tanks and jeeps in the middle of a town, why didn’t he use that power to escape when he was held by the military or being transported on a train?) One black hole. J.J. Abrams or any of his supporting writers apparently don’t really understand how magnetism works. One black hole. Total: seven black holes.
I also have a few points in my new “irksome but not black hole worthy” category. First of all, this film was rated PG-13, but it seems like it was designed to appeal more to the 10 year old crowd. Unfortunately I think a younger kid would feel the lack of tone a lot more than an adult, as it shifts gear from “cute kids doing kid stuff” to “pee pee pants scary” rapidly and without warning. Bad planning on the directors part, I think. Also, I found the dead mother subplot with the girl’s father involved really unnecessary. It didn’t detract from the story but felt crowbarred in to add a few dramatic scenes. They also did the thing where you never really got a good look at the creature. It was annoying through the first 2/3rds of the film and then, when it is finally revealed (looking remarkable H.R.Giger-ish), still doesn’t show us most of what he really looks like. It’s like they were paying for the CGI by the pixel. Finally, the actual ending was pretty predictable and remarkably sappy. Again, not really hurting the movie, but if J.J. had wanted a movie to actually stand next to E.T. I think he could have put a little more effort into it.
So a total of five. It would have been funny if I could arrange this to end up with eight, but I have too much integrity for that (LOL). I guess I will call this Super 5. I think it definitely worth seeing in a theater, and it is entertaining enough to hold your interest. However, it is a lot like watching an Ramones tribute band. You will enjoy the performance, but at the end of the show more or less forget about it and move on with your life, content in the knowledge that the original Ramones will never be topped. See it once, but pass on the DVD is my advice. By the way, it will be well worth your time to stay for the credits.
Nerd Dating: the greatest date ever-movie night in Part 6 even more what to watch
Yes I am continuing with this. It amuses me.
Action-this is a fail hole like no other. If you suggest an action film she will make the (probably correct) assumption that you are an insensitive jerk who does not care one bit about her or what she wants to do. If she suggests an action film, this is absolutely, 100% a test to see if you are in insensitive jerk who does not care one bit about her or what she wants to do. It can occasionally be colored by a desire on her part to make you happy, but even then the test is still there and to say anything other than “I don’t know if that’s appropriate” is to fail miserably. Don’t fall into this trap.
Porn-are you really dumb enough to even need instructions on this? Unless she is actually a sex worker, as far as she knows you never even watch porn, much less have a Congressional Library sized collection.
Sexy comedy/drama-these are films which are good stories and acting combined with some hot sex scenes. These are excellent for movie night as they show her you’re interested in sex without looking like you are obsessed with it (which, odds are, you are). Also, while porn will in most (normal) cases just disgust her, seeing two attractive people roll around in bed showing a rated R amount of skin will actually peak a lot of women’s interest. Unfortunately, this is a genre that has really been dropped by Hollywood in the last few years. I guess they feel the need to cater to the freaking ankle biters. God forbid we should make a movie you can’t bring your screaming three year old to in order to make the hapless nerd movie reviewer three rows behind you miserable. But I digress. You have to go back a few years to find something that is both of good quality and has the appropriate amount of nudity. Risky Business and Fatal Attraction are two that spring to mind. Also, don’t fall into the trap of assuming anything rated R will work for this. Both of the Hangover movies were rated R and for the most part had a lot of man penis and cussing in them and not a lot else.
Romantic Comedy-ah, now you are thinking. These movies should get her laughing and also thinking about how miserable her single life really is. If you suggest one it will make you look sensitive and cool. If she suggest one she is throwing you a life preserver. Don’t fail to grab it. Modern ones are fine, but I personally find classics from the 80’s work really well.
Comedies-these can be hit or miss. She could be the type who really likes comedies and will get turned on by laughing at one. Or she could be the type who puts these in the same mental category as action films. Also, there are varying levels of crudeness in comedies and while one film might make her laugh her clothes off another film might well disgust her to the hilt and you by association. Picking a comedy is a lot like the white trash sport of noodling; sometimes you get a delicious catfish, and sometimes you lose a finger to a snapping turtle. Stay away, and if she suggest one assume it is a test similar to the action film test.
The Princess Bride-why does this film deserve it’s own listing, last on my list? Because it is possibly the greatest movie night date of all time. There isn’t a woman I have met who doesn’t love or get turned on by this film, and better yet it is cool and funny enough to hold the most macho guy’s interest. This is one you really can’t go wrong on (actually, failure is the mother of invention, so there is probably a decent chance you will still find a way to screw this up. However, I hold that unless your date is some kind of alien it will never be this movies fault). In a weird twist of mental fate no woman I know would ever actually suggest this, possibly because they assume you would hate it of perhaps for fear of being perceived as too girly. You, on the other hand, will gain massive props for having suggested it. (Inigo Montoya image courtesy of the movie t shirt category).
That’s it for movies. I need to think about where I am going next with this topic, so I may well give it a rest for a day or two. New movies coming out this weekend so look for some movie reviews soon. Talk to you soon.
Nerd Dating: the greatest date ever-movie night in Part 5 more what to watch
Just continuing with my thoughts on genres and specific movies with regards to how they will work for movie night.
Horror-it is something of an urban myth that all women react to horror movies with a need to be held and an increase in libido. This can be true of some women, but a lot of others might be so creeped out that they just want to lock all the doors and sleep with the lights on, especially if the movie in question featured a young couple making love while the monster sneaks up to impale them both on a sharpened lacrosse stick. If she suggests a horror film than odds are good that she is in the former camp, but if she doesn’t you should not be the one to do it. Also, be aware of the gore factor. I can’t imagine any woman wanting to do anything remotely physical or intimate after watching Dead Alive.
Artsy foreign films-regardless of who suggests these, your date and your future relationship have just been smeared with the pungent oil of pretentiousness. If she suggests it and you like foreign films than by all means go with it. Just plan on being the couple all your friends secretly hate. If she suggest them and you don’t like them, do a quick mental calculation of how horny you are for her versus how much inane artsy film school prattle you can stomach in an evening. If you suggest it and she doesn’t like them know that she is doing the same exact calculation, only odds are she is a lot less horny. Also, subtitled films tend to require more attention from the two of you, giving you less opportunity to pay attention to each other. Furthermore, be aware that you can never really predict what a foreign art film is about from the title. Man Bites Dog really isn’t about dogs, and has a grim violence level that will most likely put her off. City of Lost Children really isn’t about children, and the surrealness of it does not make for great date material. Do your research.
Artsy domestic films-a weird phenomenon is when trying to think of movies to suggest, your brain will tend to fall back onto the artsier films in some kind of attempt to impress her with your depth, rather than just pulling out something you will both enjoy. The fact is most artsy films do not make a lot of money for a reason. I won’t say that reason rhymes with “muck”, but you really have to be of the right mindset and mood to appreciate movies made for the art of it. Don’t get me wrong. I love artsy independent films. I just would not suggest one of them for a first time hanging out with a girl.
Firefly-believe it or not, Firefly episodes make for a great date, as well as an awesome coolness test for your date. Even if she has never seen it before, it is hard not to love it. If she sees it and loves it you will have a great date and will have helped to create a new fan. If she sees it and doesn’t like it then kick her ass out of your newly cleaned apartment for being a soulless, evil robot probably bent on extracting your life essence in a painful and protracted process. You are better off without her. If she is the one to suggest this then when you finally screw things up be sure to send her phone number to me (Jayne image courtesy of the Firefly t shirt category).
Actually, any decent Joss Whedan will work.
That’s it for tonight. More tomorrow.
Nerd Dating: the greatest date ever-movie night in Part 4 what to watch
OK, you have cleaned out your apartment (bulldozers are not not an option, BTW) and have her coming over. However, it now falls upon you to help figure out what the hell to watch. DO NOT make the mistake of just letting her pick. First of all, she will feel like you are a total wimp for not even having an opinion. Also, most women will feel a lot of pressure from unilaterally picking out a movie, for fear you will judge her negatively and/or be really bored with the movie. The women who don’t feel pressure are either so over opinionated that they know what you should be watching (“I just know you are going to love Love and Other Drugs!”) or just a total sociopath who will have no problem subjecting you to Thelma and Louise. In either case odds are you would have a more pleasant evening dropped into the scorpion pit, so just hope she will not want to just pick out the movie (by the way, if your progress in the relationship her hesitance to pick movies without discussion will dry up like paint. Eventually , you will watch Thelma and Louise).
This, however, does not give you license to subject her to the Wrath of Khan or whatever other sci fi movie you want (Khaaaaaaan image courtesy of the TV show t shirts). You need to engage in a dialog, and understand that she will be judging you based on how you interact with her in this discussion. You have to dance along the thin line of not being a dominant jerk or a spineless wimp.
At this point I usually start off by suggesting 3-4 movies that would seem like good compromises. She will probably shoot the first three down, so keep the one you really want to watch for fourth. If she shoots down all your initial suggestions at that point ask her for her suggestions. If she says something like “I really want to see …!” you are pretty much committed to that and need to respond with “I haven’t seen (insert lame movie name here) but it looks interesting.” However, that would tread down the path of her being the controlling jerk. The best response is if she comes across with 3-4 suggestions of her own. Let her reel them off and then pick the one that has the highest chance of not making you pray for death. Try to not fall into the trap of suggesting other movies as if you drag this out your chances of saying the wrong thing or suggesting something stupid will increase dramatically.
Because I love doing these and feel like they are really funny, I am going to list off a number of movies and/or genres and what I think her opinion will be or what it says about her.
Titanic-this is a Billy Zane chick flick. If you suggest it you will look like you are pandering to her or possibly in the closet. If she suggests it she might just be that aforementioned sociopath. Also, as a rule try to avoid movies with guys that women swoon over. If she spends two hours watching weedy pretty boy Leonardo di Caprio die to save the girl you will look terrible in comparison, especially if you failed to put yourself between her and the creepy homeless person the other night.
The Empire Strikes Back-or any of the Star Wars franchise. If you even suggest this flick you will most likely never hear from her again. If she suggests it try to discretely determine if she was actually born a man, or possibly had a brain transplant of some kind. If she is in fact female and suggested this film than prepare to either marry her or receive the heartbreak of your life when the perfect woman dumps you.
Generic chick flicks-if you suggest this see the listing for Titanic. I guarantee she will suggest at least one as a test of your machismo. Don’t fall into that trap or you will end up with a new friend and no sex.
I gotta run, but I will do more of these tomorrow. Have a great day.
